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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Never to drive with my husband again

109 replies

FrankReynolds · 05/06/2022 13:32

Learning to drive, pay for my own lessons. Because of Covid backlog, instructor has recommended an hour of practice driving a week between lessons because lessons aren't as regular as they would be under normal circumstances.

So husband got me insured on car, bought L plates and said he'd take me for some practice. I am anxious by nature, hence only just learning now. We've been put together 3 or 4 times for some practice and today has been the worst session yet. As soon as I get in the driving seat, he's white-knuckle clutching the door handle every time. We had gone to a supermarket and I was going to drive us home. We live fairly rurally, and it's an uncomplicated drive home that I've done a few times with my instructor. So at almost deserted end of supermarket car park, I needed to reverse out of parking bay around to the right and then steer round to the left. About 8 meters behind us there was a parked car at a right angle to ours. I start the engine, he's already chanting "sloooowwwwlly" so I reverse slowly, steadily steering right when suddenly he bellows "BRRRRAAAAAAAKKKKEEE!!". Rattled, I smoothly but quickly stop. I look behind us, parked car is still 3 meters away. I ask him what on Earth the matter is, he says I wasn't steering quickly enough. So I say "well you said slowly, so that's what I did. Which is it that you want?!" He then shoves open passenger door, rips off L plates, rips open driver door and orders me to get out immediately. I comply and we sit in silence all the way home.

He's like this each time, bellowing and holding on for dear life and snatching the steering wheel. This is on 30/40 mph flat and non-windy roads but he acts like we're in GTA and I'm driving like a maniac. I'm not, I'm always below speed limit and am getting really smooth with gear changes. I'm tired of being treated this way and he's now said I'm being taken off the insurance. I was driving for less than 30 seconds today before he lost it. He did the same to me on a corner once in front of a crowded pub because I stalled when trying a hill start. I was so embarrassed.

I suggested my dad take me instead in our car but he said no, we'd be breaking the law because me and Dad "wouldn't have the owners permission". He turns into this repugnant person that I don't know and he talks to me the same way he does our two young children. I've been trying not to take his help for granted but he's such a control freak and I come home from our practice with aching arms from tensed muscles.

OP posts:
ItWillBeOkHonestly · 06/06/2022 09:16

Is he like this in other areas of your marriage? Domineering and or condescending? If not, then perhaps just accept this as a weird flaw and acknowledge you're better off without his instruction.

However, if he's like this in other areas of your relationship, then you have bigger problems, I'd say!

DixonD · 06/06/2022 09:22

I passed two years ago - I still don’t drive with my husband in the car!

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 06/06/2022 09:58

There is so much more going on here than the driving issue.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/06/2022 10:00

My ex husband used to do this and it was ME that taught him to drive. He turned into a monster as soon as he got his driving license.

Newestname002 · 06/06/2022 10:13

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 06/06/2022 09:58

There is so much more going on here than the driving issue.

I'm afraid I agree with this. This man lacks empathy either for his small children or his partner. I also do wonder whether he dislikes the idea of you being more independent from him either with learning to drive or after you qualify.

Do make sure you have a bank account in your own name, to which he does not have access, in case you need a discreet emergency fund in the future. Good luck with your studies OP. 🌹

mydemontoddler · 06/06/2022 10:23

He sounds abusive and controlling. Nasty to your kids and financially abusive too.

I hope you don't wait til 2024 to leave him.

Pugdogmom · 06/06/2022 10:33

I took my DH for a practice session a few times when he was learning. Most stressful thing ever , and I'm a patient sort, however even I shouted . I abandoned that idea. No problems in our marriage as this was 23 years ago.
I did take my DD out before her test, but we hired a dual control car, and that was definitely better. It was only to give her practice, and I didn't " instruct" her. Only advised her to watch her speed. Am not geared up to teach people.

However going by your post OP, I think your problems are far bigger than learning to drive.

2muchtimeonline · 06/06/2022 10:58

FrankReynolds · 05/06/2022 13:50

Tbf I haven't contributed financially to the car at all so far because he's the only driver. I'm a SAHM and get an allowance along with child benefit and some UC. I'm studying atm as well as full time mum so maybe it'll be a shared asset once I'm earning and a valid member of society (this is how I feel quite a lot of the time)

You have contributed to the car, you mind the children allowing him to work. Having a partner at home is a huge financial and practical asset to the working spouse. I’m afraid this imbalance is the root of the issue. You are an equal partner in the marriage but not being treated like one. Please keep learning to drive. Don’t let him put you off. You need your independence.

FrankReynolds · 07/06/2022 07:21

Thank you everyone. I've got a lot to think about, I'm feeling anxious about what the future holds for my boys and me.

OP posts:
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