Never to drive with my husband again

[FrankReynolds]

Learning to drive, pay for my own lessons. Because of Covid backlog, instructor has recommended an hour of practice driving a week between lessons because lessons aren't as regular as they would be under normal circumstances.

So husband got me insured on car, bought L plates and said he'd take me for some practice. I am anxious by nature, hence only just learning now. We've been put together 3 or 4 times for some practice and today has been the worst session yet. As soon as I get in the driving seat, he's white-knuckle clutching the door handle every time. We had gone to a supermarket and I was going to drive us home. We live fairly rurally, and it's an uncomplicated drive home that I've done a few times with my instructor. So at almost deserted end of supermarket car park, I needed to reverse out of parking bay around to the right and then steer round to the left. About 8 meters behind us there was a parked car at a right angle to ours. I start the engine, he's already chanting "sloooowwwwlly" so I reverse slowly, steadily steering right when suddenly he bellows "BRRRRAAAAAAAKKKKEEE!!". Rattled, I smoothly but quickly stop. I look behind us, parked car is still 3 meters away. I ask him what on Earth the matter is, he says I wasn't steering quickly enough. So I say "well you said slowly, so that's what I did. Which is it that you want?!" He then shoves open passenger door, rips off L plates, rips open driver door and orders me to get out immediately. I comply and we sit in silence all the way home.

He's like this each time, bellowing and holding on for dear life and snatching the steering wheel. This is on 30/40 mph flat and non-windy roads but he acts like we're in GTA and I'm driving like a maniac. I'm not, I'm always below speed limit and am getting really smooth with gear changes. I'm tired of being treated this way and he's now said I'm being taken off the insurance. I was driving for less than 30 seconds today before he lost it. He did the same to me on a corner once in front of a crowded pub because I stalled when trying a hill start. I was so embarrassed.

I suggested my dad take me instead in our car but he said no, we'd be breaking the law because me and Dad "wouldn't have the owners permission". He turns into this repugnant person that I don't know and he talks to me the same way he does our two young children. I've been trying not to take his help for granted but he's such a control freak and I come home from our practice with aching arms from tensed muscles.

Firstly, don't ever again let him give you driving lessons.

Secondly, attend to your ducks. If he's like that with you and your children, you'll be leaving him eventually. Why wait?

Well this is why teaching takes so much training- lots of people are absolutely terrible at it, with your H the worse I"ve heard of so far. Rest assured everyone in that pub thought he was the wanker and felt very sorry for you. You sound like a great driver, and YANBU about never having him in your car again, I'd bloody crash if there was someone shouting like an idiot at me in my car like he shouts as you.

YANBU to stop going out with him, you will never gain any confidence.

When I was learning I only had my mum to practise with and she was herself a nervous reluctant driver. It took me 5 goes to pass.

Ah, marvelous- you'll have a way out

I am privy to the fact that all of my student's exchanges are fraught when their partners are supervising them in between driving lessons. Some partners just refuse outright. So it doesn't surprise me that crosswords have been said in this scenario.

You point out certain traits your husband has that you find disrespectful and unsupportive both towards you and your children. According to you his personality, therefore, is not suited to supervising your children or your driving. If this is the case you may find you regress and end up spending more on driving lessons in the long run.

Speak to your driving instructor about it (not all the details just that you feel you are not gaining anything from being supervised by your partner). Sometimes I may advise only to practice manoeuvres (I always allow my students to do all their manoeuvres early on in their instruction) in a car park when it is empty with their partners for a few weeks til trust and confidence have improved on both sides. However, judging by what you have said I'm not sure your problems are contained to your partner's supervisory driving role.

He is being a knob in the way he's going about it. Hardly helping your confidence, is it? Although to be fair you don't seem too affected by him 😁 Good on ya!

Do you have an expensive car? Is he worried about having to pay for potential damages whilst you're on mat leave? He does sound like he is very tightly wound, in my experience that's usually financial strain showing it's ugly head? If you've got a fancy car and it would cost a lot to repair, OR you aren't very well off overall, I don't think he's being unreasonable by not liking it being practiced in. I own my car and have let my partner use it in the past, but then I was the one stuck paying for all the repairs he caused through bad driving because he couldn't afford to put towards it.

Just do normal lessons. Easier.

I never went out with my Dh when learning and I never drive with him in the car now since I've passed...well, I did once.🙄🤣

Literally never been so pleased to see a woman’s studying. He’s being horrible to you and you might need a way out one day.

Personally I don’t think it’s a skill everyone has , to sit patiently teaching someone to drive that you know very well . Driver instructors are calm , patient and know how to teach not everyone is like that .
I personally couldn’t do it , I refuse to teach dd until she’s near test ready and can drive for practice until then no I don’t want the pressure and I’m normally calm . Dh wouldn’t sit in the car with me until I passed , at the time I thought he was a arse but actually now I’m a driver I don’t think I could or want to teach anyone.
the op sounds confident driver but he will just hold you back and make you feel more nervous so I’d find someone else .

My kids have both been driving safely for over 10 years and I still have to concentrate very hard to look relaxed and normal when they are driving me (inside I’m your husband 100%/screaming in terror).

When you pass your test don’t drive him anywhere unless he’s drunk and you’re sober, I found I was much more relaxed about the kids’ driving when I’d had a few and the taxi tables were turned 😝

Calling the OP’s DH a knob is a bit much.

Teaching someone to drive is obviously outwith his skill set. I can’t imagine how stressful it would be without dual controls, proper training etc.

I also don’t see the issue with him not allowing you to use his car to learn with your dad. I wouldn’t let someone learn how to drive in my car either! And the car is his. He bought and paid for it. The OP can’t even drive yet!

yes that's what hit me...the car is not the issue here....you care for him and raise his kids and you get an ALLOWANCE????? what the actual Fuck?

He doesn't sound very nice, @FrankReynolds

How did you get together with him?

You live quite rurally and he's such a control freak? He gives you an allowance and you don't feel like a valid member of society because you are not currently employed outside the home.

Hmm I can imagine a control freak who treats you like that being quite unsettled at the prospect of you becoming independent with transport and earning money.

If it was simply that he's not cut out to supervise you during driving practice then he wouldn't actively try to prevent you practising with someone else. A decent person would accept they lack the attributes necessary to make the practice productive and be glad there was someone else to help you.

I think he prefers you to be dependent on him for transport and money which is why you must make sure you are not.

I think some men are just not able to control their emotions when teaching family members to drive. My father was like this, he took me out once, he was swearing and shouting making out I was really bad at driving - I was a learner!! I came back a wreck with neither of us talking to each other.
Now I'm a parent, I took both mine out to learn to drive which I found stressful but I never swore, shouted or critised. I took them to quiet industrial estates at the weekends to build their confidence. I would never behave like my father did, he was awful.

I don’t think it’s a male/female thing just a personality thing when it comes to teaching to drive. You can be the best driver but still not comfy teaching someone.

but I agree in this case it sounds like the OPs husband is just an arse

Full time mums are valid members of society as well.

As for 'an allowance' we've been married 30+ years, both good careers and we both have 'an allowance' for odds and ends. Nothing wrong with having an allowance provided you both realise your a couple and the joint money is for you both. Learning to drive would have been an household expense. It was when the girls learned as was when they got their cars.

It's not a particularly expensive car but I get that he'd have to pay for any repairs. I think until I'm test-ready, I'll stick to my lessons. It's a shame my instructor doesn't do double lessons or the availability to do a couple a week.

As for the independence thing, I'll have finished my course, have qualified and be job-ready in Jan 24. I'm told that most people walk into a job from their placement so I'm very excited to get independence, my youngest will be at school by then. I can have my own car (which H won't be allowed to use )

You are a valid member of society. Full time parents are valid members of society.

It may be that your DH is an arse (sounds like it). In which case getting him to supervise you on driving practice while you are learning (and even having him as a passenger when you have passed) is a doubly bad idea.

Personally, I am not convinced parents and husbands/ wives teaching each other or their children to drive is a great idea, but I am probably projecting a fair bit because it really didn't work all that well when my Dad was teaching me. We were both always tense and just couldn't get on over it. I hated learning and until I got myself a professional driving instructor (my Dad had wanted to teach it all himself) I came back in tears from every lesson, and lessons were usually daily when going out with my Dad. Getting myself an instructor made a huge difference, even though I still went out with my Dad. The instructor had a lot more patience and built my confidence in myself much more. My Dad had the opposite effect to that, despite being a good man and having the very best of intentions.

This is about much more than driving with you though, is it not? You need to work out whether or not there is a future for your relationship anyway, but in the meantime I would just rely on your driving lessons. It otherwise isn't worth the tension and the hassle, plus your "D" H sounds like the type who will use it to belittle you.

One car in the house should be a family car

Tbh I think there are 2 different things going on here.

1. Your husband is not a good passenger for you - before or after your test. I get it I am a terrible passenger. My DH has been driving for 35yrs and I still do the white knuckle thing... the other day I ended up in tears I was so scared. That is not normal its my issue not his. I usually drive so not an issue I've dealt with. BUT my kids know I'm not the person to take them our between lessons - and they are years away yet!!

1. Your husband is horrible! I would not be happy with him treating me or the kids like that - what happened to basic respect. I've been a SAHM for longer than many as I have disabled child. There is no way I'd put up with being made to feel like that or dh would treat me like that.

Personally I think you need to plan to get rid and get him out of your kids lives before he does some real damage.

Drivers make the worst passengers. I can't drive with my mum. I make her sit in the back. Even years since I passed she braces against the dashboard at every corner.

Going on the motorway is a special kind of hell.

MIND THAT LORRY!!!!!

Mother, it's FOUR fucking lanes away!

It would be a shame to have to own 2 cars just because your dh was being so possessive over a lump of metal

I also agree with @LittleOwl153 and I had no hand at all in teaching our DDs to drive. Mostly neither did DH, although he did take DD1 out a couple of times and they were still on speaking terms when they came back. Neither of them liked it though.

DH and I both had bad experiences being taught to drive by parents and both were adamant that we would not teach our own children as we would rather continue to get on well with them.

He turns into this repugnant person that I don't know and he talks to me the same way he does our two young children

I'm worried that your two young children have to put up with this twatish behaviour too. At least you have a choice in the matter.