Never to drive with my husband again

[FrankReynolds]

Learning to drive, pay for my own lessons. Because of Covid backlog, instructor has recommended an hour of practice driving a week between lessons because lessons aren't as regular as they would be under normal circumstances.

So husband got me insured on car, bought L plates and said he'd take me for some practice. I am anxious by nature, hence only just learning now. We've been put together 3 or 4 times for some practice and today has been the worst session yet. As soon as I get in the driving seat, he's white-knuckle clutching the door handle every time. We had gone to a supermarket and I was going to drive us home. We live fairly rurally, and it's an uncomplicated drive home that I've done a few times with my instructor. So at almost deserted end of supermarket car park, I needed to reverse out of parking bay around to the right and then steer round to the left. About 8 meters behind us there was a parked car at a right angle to ours. I start the engine, he's already chanting "sloooowwwwlly" so I reverse slowly, steadily steering right when suddenly he bellows "BRRRRAAAAAAAKKKKEEE!!". Rattled, I smoothly but quickly stop. I look behind us, parked car is still 3 meters away. I ask him what on Earth the matter is, he says I wasn't steering quickly enough. So I say "well you said slowly, so that's what I did. Which is it that you want?!" He then shoves open passenger door, rips off L plates, rips open driver door and orders me to get out immediately. I comply and we sit in silence all the way home.

He's like this each time, bellowing and holding on for dear life and snatching the steering wheel. This is on 30/40 mph flat and non-windy roads but he acts like we're in GTA and I'm driving like a maniac. I'm not, I'm always below speed limit and am getting really smooth with gear changes. I'm tired of being treated this way and he's now said I'm being taken off the insurance. I was driving for less than 30 seconds today before he lost it. He did the same to me on a corner once in front of a crowded pub because I stalled when trying a hill start. I was so embarrassed.

I suggested my dad take me instead in our car but he said no, we'd be breaking the law because me and Dad "wouldn't have the owners permission". He turns into this repugnant person that I don't know and he talks to me the same way he does our two young children. I've been trying not to take his help for granted but he's such a control freak and I come home from our practice with aching arms from tensed muscles.

Initially I was thinking of the old adage about NEVER being taught to drive by a family member or spouse. But ... this problem isn't limited to driving practice, is it? I think your H has form for being a bit of a sergeant major.

I suggested my dad take me instead in our car but he said no, we'd be breaking the law because me and Dad "wouldn't have the owners permission"

He then shoves open passenger door, rips off L plates, rips open driver door and orders me to get out immediately. I comply

He's like this each time, bellowing ...

What would have happened, when he lost his temper & "ordered" you out of the car, if you has chosen not to comply?
And where TF does he get the notion that he is sole owner of the car, & it's within his gift to refuse your dad permission? You are married, so the car belongs to you equally. I know there has to be one legal named owner, but your H making a song & dance about this is ridiculous - he's creating obstructions, almost as if he doesn't WANT to have anyone else teach you.

Does he enjoy making you tense & unhappy?
I come home from our practice with aching arms from tensed muscles.

And why the hell are you allowing him to get away with this?
He turns into this repugnant person that I don't know and he talks to me the same way he does our two young children.
I'm not asking about how he speaks to you. I'm asking about why you feel it's unacceptable to be spoken to like this - but it's ok for him to do it to your DC?
Who is sticking up for those children?
Who is telling their father to stop being horrible to them?

I'd love to witness the conversation he'd be having with the police, if you were able to put your dad on the insurance without his consent and used your shared marital asset!
The registered keeper of a car is not necessarily the same as the legal owner, so worth looking. Years ago I bought our family car, even though I couldn't drive at the time. First car I paid for with my money and another time DH was working and I went to look at cars with my dad and ended up getting one and paying from our shared money. But it was my name on the paperwork because I had physically purchased it.
Either way though, he'd struggle to get the police to take him seriously and he'd totally blow up his own life. He's a prick for even going there though!

Just because someone can drive it doesn't follow that they can impart that knowledge expertly, which is why a good instructor is always best. If your horrible DH behaves like that I'd stick with the proper lessons and refuse to go out with him until you get to test standard.

An old friend of mine passed her test but her DH still behaved like he was instructing her when they went out. She stopped the car and told him that she'd passed the test now and if he didn't shut up he could jolly well walk home. I hope your DH doesn't follow suit OP but I have my doubts.

Hi OP - my DH is a driving instructor. He’s suggesting that your DH sits in the back of the car when you have a lesson. He might be acting like he is out of fear. I had huge rows with my Dad when he took me out & ended up in tears then getting out of the car at a busy junction & refusing to go any further! If your DH hears how your instructor speaks to you & how he/she anticipates possible dodgy situations then nips them in the bud, it might help your DH when he takes you out.

I was a bit like this with my DC. My DDs instructor suggested I accompanied her on a lesson. Just sitting quietly in the back of the car. Maybe this would be good for your DH. It did help.

Do you have any calm, laid back friends, who could take you out for practice sessions in their own car? My DD used to get v nervous and failed 3 driving tests, but her current partner is an absolute sweetie who got her driving all over central Edinburgh in his new mini without once raising his voice! She passed her test with no bother.
As a separate issue, you need to consider whether your DH is bordering on coercive control territory - the power balance in your marriage seems skewed all one way. Giving you an “allowance” and forbidding you the use of the family car for lessons, really sounds deeply unpleasant and worrying.

DH is a driving instructor. He can always tell when a pupil has been out with a parent / partner as they do quite a few things wrong (or not on the current test) or ask him if he's sure something as 'X said you do it like this'. He says 'would you be happy with X performing surgery on you? No? Well, since this is my trained profession and not X's, who do you think is giving you the right instructions?'

One pupil came to him after her dad had been teaching her and she failed her test because she had been taught stuff so out of date and not learned any of the things (manoeuvres & questions, following sat nav etc) that are on the current one.

I was going to add something similar to Babdoc - it sounds like there’s more going on with how your DH treats you & your DC. Maybe time for a serious chat.

You've got a bigger problem than just driving lessons.

If he can't keep his cool he should at least let your dad go on the insurance and teach you, my dad taught me, not a cross word between us and I passed first time

An “allowance”?

I remember my Dad teaching my Mum to drive on a private road. I was about 7 and insisted on getting out and running behind the car and the dog howled the whole time.
That was 60 years ago and funnily enough she never did learn to drive

Well firstly learning to drive with a family member will be stressful! Perhaps a friend would be best .I went with my calm laid back chum and it was heaps better.However your DH seems to be being rather unkind .You are a valid member of Society whether you are at work or not FFS!

I stick up for the kids and it's a massive bone of contention that we have such different parenting styles. He says if I stick up for them that I'm undermining him and im a "good cop". I parent with love and patience. My son is being assessed for autism and has a lot of sensory issues and problems regulating his emotions so im trying to give him as calm and loving a life I can. Not sure if husband had anger issues or control issues, he puts it down to him being "tired"

He is a knob. Dh and I taught ds1 to drive last year, calmly, no scares, no anger. Then he had lessons, and passed. There's no need for it to be as you described.

The worst rows I ever had with DH were when we taught me to drive. It was horrendously stressful for both of us!

But there is clearly WAY more to this and you need to look at your relationship, not worry about learning to drive with him.

This

I’ve been the white knuckle spouse when my DH was learning to drive. I found it petrifying, especially when he would be suggesting “it’s fine, it’s fine” as he proceeded to drive too close to parked cars and take off all their wing mirrors.
it wasn’t fine. It was hideous.

From your latest update he just sounds like a fucking prick.

Surely if you're married with kids, you share your assets? And you have contributed financially towards the car by staying at home and looking after his kids, allowing him to go to work and earn money. That money is yours too.

Oh dear. This isn't just about learning to drive is it?

My daughter learnt to drive last year. She bought a car and hubby took her out in it many times. He said she was a very good driver.
I refused. I'm a terrible passenger as it is, there's no way I could go with a learner! She passed her test last November and I still haven't been in the car with her!
However, your husbands reaction was extremely nobbish, and completely OTT. Don't go with him again, but remember not to be his taxi either once you have passed....

Buy and insure your own car then your Dad can take you out.

He’s a twat.

I was all prepared to give him the benefit r the doubt and say some people aren’t great with being the supervising driver for a learner, no matter how good they are otherwise, but no - he’s a twat.

He won’t let you help yourself with your dad doing it instead. He makes you feel like you’re not his equal. He’s short-tempered and irritable as a father.

He’s a twat. Good luck with learning to drive, I hope you pass your test soon and drive off into the sunset away from him.

If he can't do it he should really let you practice with your dad. I had a family friend take me out in my mum's car once a week between lessons. We started off with him driving me to an industrial estate and me driving around there. There were car parks for practicing to park, corners for indicating and gear changes. The only vehicles there in evenings and weekends were other learners driving up and down the length of the estate. When I had booked my test we expanded into driving around streets but for the most part the industrial estate was more than good enough.