Never to drive with my husband again

[FrankReynolds]

Learning to drive, pay for my own lessons. Because of Covid backlog, instructor has recommended an hour of practice driving a week between lessons because lessons aren't as regular as they would be under normal circumstances.

So husband got me insured on car, bought L plates and said he'd take me for some practice. I am anxious by nature, hence only just learning now. We've been put together 3 or 4 times for some practice and today has been the worst session yet. As soon as I get in the driving seat, he's white-knuckle clutching the door handle every time. We had gone to a supermarket and I was going to drive us home. We live fairly rurally, and it's an uncomplicated drive home that I've done a few times with my instructor. So at almost deserted end of supermarket car park, I needed to reverse out of parking bay around to the right and then steer round to the left. About 8 meters behind us there was a parked car at a right angle to ours. I start the engine, he's already chanting "sloooowwwwlly" so I reverse slowly, steadily steering right when suddenly he bellows "BRRRRAAAAAAAKKKKEEE!!". Rattled, I smoothly but quickly stop. I look behind us, parked car is still 3 meters away. I ask him what on Earth the matter is, he says I wasn't steering quickly enough. So I say "well you said slowly, so that's what I did. Which is it that you want?!" He then shoves open passenger door, rips off L plates, rips open driver door and orders me to get out immediately. I comply and we sit in silence all the way home.

He's like this each time, bellowing and holding on for dear life and snatching the steering wheel. This is on 30/40 mph flat and non-windy roads but he acts like we're in GTA and I'm driving like a maniac. I'm not, I'm always below speed limit and am getting really smooth with gear changes. I'm tired of being treated this way and he's now said I'm being taken off the insurance. I was driving for less than 30 seconds today before he lost it. He did the same to me on a corner once in front of a crowded pub because I stalled when trying a hill start. I was so embarrassed.

I suggested my dad take me instead in our car but he said no, we'd be breaking the law because me and Dad "wouldn't have the owners permission". He turns into this repugnant person that I don't know and he talks to me the same way he does our two young children. I've been trying not to take his help for granted but he's such a control freak and I come home from our practice with aching arms from tensed muscles.

It may technically be a “family” car, but that doesn’t mean that any member of the family gets to use the car to do whatever they please. As the only driver in the household, the person who relies on the car for work, the person who drives the family around, the person who bought the car, is liable for any repairs, pays the insurance etc, it’s not outrageous to consider the car as DH’s, but used for the overall benefit of the family.

Any accidents could affect his insurance premiums, no claims bonus, leave him without a car for work, leave the family without a “family” car to get around in. Of course he gets the final say in whether he is willing to take the risk of using the car for driving lessons.

How many of you would seriously take the risk of allowing a non driver to use your (non dual controlled) car to learn to drive in? Not me!

They are both liable for repairs though, since it is a marital asset and his money is her money too since she is a sahp looking after their kids. That's kind of the deal when a couple decide that one of them should sah and withholding access to money/car is financial abuse.
But the problem isn't that he thinks it's risky or doesn't feel comfortable - not one person on this thread thinks he should take her out practicing if he doesn't feel confident to do so. The problem is the way he is speaking to her and treating her like a child who has no right to an equal say. He very much views it as his car alone, his money etc and that's not right.

I think that's quite common. It was my grandmother who taught me to drive both a tractor and a Land Rover.

Probably not a good idea to go out with him again so try and find somebody else or just stick with your instructor.

Once you have passed you can tell him to sit in the back and face the window.

You get an allowance?!

Tbf I haven't contributed financially to the car at all so far because he's the only driver. I'm a SAHM and get an allowance along with child benefit and some UC. I'm studying atm as well as full time mum so maybe it'll be a shared asset once I'm earning and a valid member of society (this is how I feel quite a lot of the time)

I feel that this is probably yet another of those financial abuse situations where the studying SAHM is not considered a fully paid-up member of the team despite her contribution to the childcare and running of the household, and whose financial situation is controlled and in the long term likely to be damaged. OP, if you are married, it is already a shared asset even though it is in his name, his legal possession, and he does have to be the one who adds people to the insurance etc. unless he's given permission with the insurance company for you to do so as well. If you are not married, your situation is more precarious. OP, get advice and plan carefully so that you are not dependent on this man for longer than is absolutely necessary, and so that you don't end up in low paid/part time work with low savings and poor pension prospects while he's fine. This happens too often. If he thinks this now, he is unlikely to change and you may find yourself screwed over in 1, 5, 10 or 25 years' time.

Vivio - I did

Sounds like FA.

Depends on how they arrange their finances. We have pooled family money and we each get an allowance (pocket money as OH would say). Not much its just for odds and ends. We all sort our finances out different.

It is so stressful supervising driving. I have supervised my husband and DD when they were having lessons. Not everyone can do it.

You say he's started treating you like he treats the kids. How long has he been bellowing etc at them?

@IncompleteSenten it's his method of discipline. Bellowing and banning screens. Then "good cop" (me) has to pick up the pieces with crying children. They're 3 and 6. It's how he was parented and me to a degree. I just don't see the point I shouting or losing me temper because it's a)unimaginative b)not helpful. I pull him up on it every time and we just end up arguing. I beg him to try and take a middle way/compromise of our methods but he's so stubborn and insists what I'm doing is wrong (gentle encouragement, discussion and lots of love and cuddles. He says I'm too soft and the kids walk all over me)

OP, if it’s any comfort, there were similar scenes around south London 30 years ago staring me, my mum and a 1970s Austin Maxi. I was actually a lovely teenager and my mum was, and remains, a reasonable person. There’s something about driving - the likelihood, cost and consequences of something going wrong I guess - that brings out the worst in everyone.

He sounds like a nasty bully!
Normally I'd say that parents need to agree on how to raise the dc and present a united front, but he trampled on everyone else's opinion.
You are the sahp, spending most time with the children and so if any parents gets more weight than the other in deciding rules and discipline, it should be you. You've both agreed that this is your main job right now so I'd see his role as supporting and not undermining. If he disagrees with your approach he should be discussing that privately to reach consensus. Instead he's jumping in and upsetting bullying you all.

Going out with a relative can work well though. My DS’s school was 20 miles away with no public or school transport so I had to drive him. After he’d had a few driving lessons, so he could mainly just practise with me, rather than having to be taught by me (other than the emergency instructions!) he used to drive there every morning with me as the passenger and ditto on the way home in the evening. This went on for a whole term and was brilliant for him, as he passed his test first time. It was very good practice as it was mostly on a dual carriageway then a narrow road.

My partner was like this at the start too Op. my driving test is next week now - we’ve been out a few times in a deserted car park and we practice reverse bay park and forward bay park. I tell him repeatedly do not help me unless I ask for advice or help. I ignore any clinging onto the door handle. (I need to or I just rant at him). This weekend for the first time he said I’m a really good and cautious driver. I had a silent sigh of relief. He’s much calmer now I’m booked in for my test. It does get easier. Your partner does sound like a bit of a dick though.

he is simply just not a confident enough driver to bring you out, it shows up his own issues. Even if you are really crap and just not saying, he is not capable or confident enough on the road and feels a lack of control. ix there anyone else at all that can help you have a few spins out in the car?

If one of your children has autism you will end up splitting up if he carries on like this because quite frankly- even without the autism thrown into the mix- his parenting is terrible but with autism added in he will end up seriously damaging that child. Autism doesn’t respond well to that type of authoritative parenting. It will make everything worse.

It won't benefit you to practice with him, so you need to find an alternative, unless you can find a friend willing to help, extra lessons are the answer. Your confidence (and marriage) will be damaged if you continue to practice with him!

Pass your test & drive yourself away from this knob.

I’ve taken both my DDs out for hours to practice their driving. It is a bit stressful to start with but there’s no need for your DH to behave like that!!

Well quite, but why doesn't he say that rather than being abusive towards OP? Alarm bells that he talks to the children this way as well. Surely after the first time if he wasn't comfortable doing it he could say, the real crux as PPs has said is likely to be he doesn't like the fact OP is going to gain some independence and feels like it's his car even though I bet its from family finances. Ew.

Reading your updates, about allowances, about not feeling like a valid member of society, about his parenting of your DC, I’d say there may be more significant issues in play than his being a twat about your driving.
How would you feel if a sister /friend described her life to you in these terms?

You need some serious and calm chats with him. Is he trying to stop you learn to drive? Would he really call the police if you go out in the car without his permission? It would be you, not your dad who was the driver, you just need someone with a full licence sitting with you. Is he happy for someone else to do that?

How does he see the car being used once you are a 2 driver family with 1 car? Will you have to ask his permission before going out, even if he's not needing the car? Will he ask if you need the car before driving anywhere?

Theres another thing in this, you live rurally and can't get to the supermarket easily without a car. Why do you live somewhere like that when you don't drive? Who decided that was a good ideas?

Is he worried about you gaining more independence from him?

My Dad taught me drive and he was great and relaxed and never showed signs of being stressed by my driving (or only once or twice). He’d get me to pull over and talk me through mistakes calmly once we were safely stopped. And probably get me to redo the poor maneuver. My mum on the other hand could not cope in the car with us learner drivers until we’d passed and gotten some experience.
Your DP can’t cope with being in the car with a learner driver. That’s ok. Not everyone can handle it. Leave it a few days and have another discussion about insurance and having your dad help you practice in your family car. You are going to learn to drive and be driving yourself and your kids around so eventually your DP is going to have to get used to you being a driver. He might calm down about it once you’ve passed your test.

So you have a 3 year old and a 6yr old with sensory issues and potential autism..... and their fathers method of discipline is bellowing and banning screens..... poor kids!

He needs some parenting classes!
He's right you are undermining him by shielding them from his noise - however I am very glad you are. What kid deserves to grow up in that atmosphere.

What's your housing situation? I'm assuming your course is health/social care related given your placement/job comments. There was a post on here a few weeks ago from someone who had escaped her abusive partner towards the end of a similar course. Good luck OP. You are going to need it!