To have suggested that new dad should visit new mum

[LovelyBranches]

Yesterday, my DH’s best friend phoned at 8am to say he’d become a father. There were congratulations given and the new dad was talking about the birth, name and weight.

The new mum had clearly had a very rough birth via c section and baby was in special care. New mum doesn’t have any family or friends in this area.

Then the new dad said how he was going to chill at home and get some sleep and go in to see his partner and baby at about 2:30. Having gone through a c section myself and being left alone in hospital for great lengths of time after the birth, I said “oh please go in earlier, it’s tough having a c section-you can’t move very much and she’ll need you to help her”.

DH’s best friend then replied by hanging up the phone. DH spent the rest of the day shouting at me for this comment, and when I tried to speak to my mother she said I was a gobby interfering cow. My mother has a long history of being abusive to me so I’ve learned to take a lot of what she says with a pinch of salt but My DH’s reaction has really upset me.

I genuinely was only expressing concern for the new mum. I didn’t feel like I overstepped the mark but everyone else’s reaction makes me feel like I’m a horrible person.

Was I unreasonable to make this comment? In hindsight I wouldn’t have done it, but it didn’t come from a place of malice, just concern.

You have no idea what the hospital has suggested as most appropriate for the new mum. MYOB, this is not about you.

I have no idea, but it sounds like your DH is being a dick about it.

God people are horrid here these days.
I think you were empathetic and right. Either way, your DH's friend should have said 'ah, actually they told me to come at 2" or whatever. That's not normal, he's a prick and likely a shit husband/father. Your own DH sounds like an unsupportive arsehole too.

i think you should have kept quiet, he probably needs to sleep as well, and perhaps 2.30 is visiting time?!

DH needs to get a grip if he genuinely spent the day shouting at you over anything, never mind something as daft as this.
Your mother sounds like a horrible person, don't know why you bothered asking her.
The friend sounds like a right stroppy knickers, even allowing for the tired emotions he will have been feeling.
Bottom line, he can take your advice or not, ignore your lived experience or not, it's his wife that will suffer if he ignored you, not you.
Whatever. Bollocks to the lot of them.

My comment about horridness was to @2bazookas .

Your DH sounds like a dick but I'm not sure I would have told your friend's husband to go in earlier as it's none of my business. I sent DH home to sleep for about eight hours after my EMCS. My mum came in to visit during that time, but I wanted DH to be alert and awake because then he came in and was able to hold DD for a few hours while I slept! And wasn't a zombie driving to and from.

Can I check if this was, word for word, the exact version of events? This sounds like a huge overreaction from both of them to what’s a fairly minor comment?

If so, I’d forgive the new dad a bit more - he’s likely very sleep deprived, high on emotions at the moment and actually, in my EMCS there wasn’t much that dad could do, a decent sleep for him so he could take the baby when I was home and I could rest made much more sense to us.

Your husband is an arsehole if he really did spend all day shouting at you though. His comment about being a “gobby cow”- do you usually do this / same stuff that isn’t really to do with you etc?

Let me guess, your Dh left you in the hospital for hours on your own? And seems to think it’s okay for his friend to do the same? Both being dickheads in my opinion.

I'd have done the same as you and shouted back at anyone who criticised me!

You absolutely did nothing wrong. You were just concerned about a new mum and showing kindness and empathy.

My H had to book a slot to come visit me on the ward after birth! It's probably not his choice! And tbh, it was a god send to have a t least one of us that had had some sleep!

I think your comment was unwarranted. 8am to 2:30pm is six and a half hours. And the new dad hadn’t slept yet and probably not for over 24hrs as you said it was a rough birth that ended in c section. So the new mum is likely to be sleeping during these hours as well in that case. Him popping home to make calls, shower and have a 5-6hr nap before going back in is actually a fast turn around and I think it’s insulting frankly to tell him to “go in earlier”.

You are surrounded by arseholes

you shouldn't have said it, he shouldn't have shouted.

It's absolutely none of your business. You should have kept your mouth shut. I'm sure the woman is capable of speaking for herself.

I think you were out of order. Your don't know what the visiting times were, how long he had been awake for, when the baby was born, what her wishes were etc.

He may have only just got back from the hospital when he phoned, having been up for several days. It may be that him getting some sleep, and then is going in to allow her some rest.

Equally, he may have been awake all night to maximise his partners rest, and now was his turn to rest.

Either way, it's between them, and you shouldn't have been interfering.

You were just looking out for another woman in a vulnerable situation and that was lovely of you. Your DH going on about it all day is absolutely ridiculous and your abusive mother sounds horrific.

They are the real issue here, not if your comment was unreasonable or not.

YANBU. I remember being in the ward and DH strolling in at midday having had a lovely lie in. Meanwhile I haven't even managed to go to the loo and was desperate for him to come in and help me out. I was upset and angry.

I do think you were unreasonable to say what you did.

He possibly felt judged. Poor guy probably feels bad now and unable to sleep because he's got it wrong in day 1.

He possibly felt conflicted between getting some rest while his DW was being cared for in hospital, so he'd be fresh to look after her and baby when he visits.

The first rule of communicating with new parents is never to offer advice unless asked for.

But if your DH really spent the rest of the day shouting at you, then he is also out of order.

And your mother is too.

If you genuinely said what you've written here then this was a massive overreaction from everyone surrounding you. It was a reasonable and non offensive comment to make, had you taken it further and kept on at him I could understand but if this is an accurate summary then YANBU.

You absolutely are not being unreasonable. my ex turned up at midday when all the other dads had been stood with their nose is pressed through the window waiting from 9 am to come through the door like it was the first day of the sales. I hadn’t even had a Caesarean and I still found that upsetting.

doesn’t bode well for this ones parenting career does it

Honestly none of your business I was happy for DH not to be around just sat there after my c section and wanted time on my own with my babies

@ShirleyPhallus Yes this was word for word.

The gobby cow comment was from my mother, who was already upset with me because I was taking my children to a theme park over the jubilee and she was spending it alone. I’m pretty used to her ways and know how to filter a lot out. On this occasion because both DH and mother had reacted against me, I questioned it more.

Yes it‘s true that I spent a lot of time on my own after giving birth and had a similar c section/traumatic birth. My DC are also Disabled so I didn’t get to see them after birth. I admit that I responded the way I did because of my own experiences-I know how much support I wanted after birth and I felt like the new mum probably deserved support too.

YANBU. Unfortunately it seems you are surrounded by wankers. Out of the frying pan to your husband.