To have suggested that new dad should visit new mum

[LovelyBranches]

Yesterday, my DH’s best friend phoned at 8am to say he’d become a father. There were congratulations given and the new dad was talking about the birth, name and weight.

The new mum had clearly had a very rough birth via c section and baby was in special care. New mum doesn’t have any family or friends in this area.

Then the new dad said how he was going to chill at home and get some sleep and go in to see his partner and baby at about 2:30. Having gone through a c section myself and being left alone in hospital for great lengths of time after the birth, I said “oh please go in earlier, it’s tough having a c section-you can’t move very much and she’ll need you to help her”.

DH’s best friend then replied by hanging up the phone. DH spent the rest of the day shouting at me for this comment, and when I tried to speak to my mother she said I was a gobby interfering cow. My mother has a long history of being abusive to me so I’ve learned to take a lot of what she says with a pinch of salt but My DH’s reaction has really upset me.

I genuinely was only expressing concern for the new mum. I didn’t feel like I overstepped the mark but everyone else’s reaction makes me feel like I’m a horrible person.

Was I unreasonable to make this comment? In hindsight I wouldn’t have done it, but it didn’t come from a place of malice, just concern.

Branches, what concerns me most is how your relationship with your mother - & your defence mechanism of "just filtering it out" when she verbally abuses you - has translated into your marriage.

Do you think you might have accidentally married your mother?
(btw this is NOT a goady question - I made the same mistake ...)

Because being shouted at for 5 hours straight for makimg an ecouraging remark from a place of direct experience is ... hellishly abusive.
It also sounds like he let you down very badly after having your own baby.

What part of being with him makes you genuinely happy?

Was I unreasonable to make this comment? In hindsight I wouldn’t have done it, but it didn’t come from a place of malice, just concern.

No.

But you are worrying about the wrong thing. Forget what you said - your H shouted at you for 5 hours straight. THAT is what you need to be worrying about.

Well your husbands obviously shouting because he’s embarrassed you’ve eventually called him out on his own bad behaviour when your children were born and he wants to make sure that doesn’t happen again doesn’t he.

Do you find you’re often the peacemaker abd one who compromises?

The best friend is ridiculous for hanging up due to your comment, as another poster said, he could just respond with his reasons for going in later, no need to hang up.

Why does he have to justify himself to OP?

Why doesn't she trust that the decision was made between him and his DW?

Why did she feel the need to interfere in someone else's life and then act surprised that 3 people are calling her interfering and handing up on her.

There's a saying of some sort which I can't remember about if everyone's telling you something - it's time to listen.

There's a saying of some sort which I can't remember about if everyone's telling you something - it's time to listen.

There's a saying I've just made up about if somebody's shouting at you for 5 hours straight, it's time to divorce the bastard.

Normally you can have the birth partner there regardless of visiting hours. They're allowed on the wards from around 10.30 am till 8pm and then they need to leave. Probably varies slightly hospital to hospital. I don't think you said anything wrong OP but I suppose it depends on the way you said it.

Well rested? The guy had already had a night at home and was chilling out all morning.

SMH at all the women falling over themselves to make excuses for this lazy prick

I don't blame the dad for hanging up on you. He's probably tired, stressed and worried about his baby, and then someone who doesn't know the full circumstances (e.g. visiting hours or discussions he's had with his partner) decided to interfere. Hanging up was one of the politer possible responses there!

That said, your husband and mother shouldn't be shouting at you or insulting you for it.

I read your initial comments as in he'd finally come home for a break/to process a tough, long experience and rest up before he went back. So whilst you were rightly looking out for the new mum, your delivery patronised & guilted a new parent . Well done. I can understand why he hung up tbh. Was probably kinder than what he might have said to you!

Your husband & mum though? No, not on at all.

Do you usually stick your oar in though where it isn't wanted? Maybe he'd just had enough? Clearly he was embarrassed by what you did?

You came across as a smug know it all so no wonder everyone is pissed off

You came across as a smug know it all so no wonder everyone is pissed off
Wow, where are you getting that from @maythe4thbewithme?

Because I think OP comes across as someone who was woefully unsupported by her DP when she gave birth, & response was affected by that.

I also think she's in an abusive relationship - but you go on ahead & stick the boot in, it's much easier & more satisfying than taking a moment to use your brain.

Given that her mum and husband have given her a hard time, as well as the new dad hanging up on her, I suspect OP has form for interfering where she isn’t wanted.

Pretty much this.

He hung up the phone and your bloke spent a chunk of time shouting at you. It doesn't sound as if they have a lot of respect for you in general.

Tell your bloke to fuck off telling you off over nothing. He sounds like an arse.

@maythe4thbewithme I genuinely feel lost on how one sentence makes me a smug know it all. My thoughts were immediately with the new mum who has nobody to care for her and can’t see her baby until the new dad get’s there.

I have already said that in hindsight I wouldn’t say anything-I certainly don’t feel very smug about the situation.

Keep victim blaming.

5 hours of shouting isn't having "a hard time" - it's serious domestic abuse.

You probably should have kept your nose out, you have no idea what's happened, what conversations have been had and that their baby is in special care unit.
They have gone through a tough time. As you did. People cope with things differently.
I was in hospital for a while before and after birth, I kept sending my husband home, to clear up, keep things a float and rest. I wanted him to be in tip top shape to support me and our baby other people wanted their OH there all the time.
The strong reaction of DH friend hanging up the phone shows you did overstep the mark. He rang up for you to say congratulations and that's it

Completely agree with you OP I would have said the same, if the new mum knew what you said she would more than likely be grateful too that you said it. As she will be in pain, new dads seem to think they can come and go as they please!

Completely agree! This new dad seems to be starting as he means to go on. Lazy know it all first time dad

@LovelyBranches

She does have someone to care for her....a whole ward of nurses 🤷🏻‍♀️

What you did was akin to "mansplaining" if it was directed at you by a man

A bit of sense at last.

So not taking instructions from someone who knows very little about the situation makes him a lazy know all?

Of course YABU, why would you even ask? What is going on between him and his wife has absolutely nothing to do with you!

You seriously overstepped the mark with that comment.

Well, he's a prince amongst men, isn't he?

Is he often horrible to you?

You were very unreasonable. It's actually none of your business, but it's not like the new dad could do anything if he went to the hospital besides keep his wife company. My feelings (if I had been asked and if it was any of my business) would be that it's better for him to be as well rested as possible before the mom (and hopefully the baby soon) come home and he is really needed for practical help.

But having said that, your husband literally shouted at you all day? That's just not on. Even if you had said something absolutely awful that wouldn't be ok.