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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have suggested that new dad should visit new mum

115 replies

LovelyBranches · 04/06/2022 14:32

Yesterday, my DH’s best friend phoned at 8am to say he’d become a father. There were congratulations given and the new dad was talking about the birth, name and weight.

The new mum had clearly had a very rough birth via c section and baby was in special care. New mum doesn’t have any family or friends in this area.

Then the new dad said how he was going to chill at home and get some sleep and go in to see his partner and baby at about 2:30. Having gone through a c section myself and being left alone in hospital for great lengths of time after the birth, I said “oh please go in earlier, it’s tough having a c section-you can’t move very much and she’ll need you to help her”.

DH’s best friend then replied by hanging up the phone. DH spent the rest of the day shouting at me for this comment, and when I tried to speak to my mother she said I was a gobby interfering cow. My mother has a long history of being abusive to me so I’ve learned to take a lot of what she says with a pinch of salt but My DH’s reaction has really upset me.

I genuinely was only expressing concern for the new mum. I didn’t feel like I overstepped the mark but everyone else’s reaction makes me feel like I’m a horrible person.

Was I unreasonable to make this comment? In hindsight I wouldn’t have done it, but it didn’t come from a place of malice, just concern.

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 04/06/2022 15:37

It wasn’t your place at all, no idea whether the ND is a dick but your DH definitely is one.

Original poster
LovelyBranches · 04/06/2022 15:39

@Mally100 The baby was born the day before yesterday in the early afternoon. There had been a c section and baby was taken to special care. It sounded like new Dad had been there all afternoon and evening and then gone home to sleep.

DH was called at 8am yesterday to say that the baby was born. I have known the new dad for 15 years and DH put the phone on loudspeaker so I could hear the news too. I have known the new mum for a couple of years but I don’t know her very well-her family live a couple of hours away and she visits regularly.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 04/06/2022 15:40

When you say your husband spent the rest of the day shouting at you about it, do you mean that literally? He spent the entire day randomly shouting at you about it?

Womencanlift · 04/06/2022 15:44

You have no idea what their situation is. The mum might have said herself she wanted him to come back then. No input was needed except from congratulations!

So yes you are unreasonable for saying what you did but your DH and DM were out of order too

Original poster
LovelyBranches · 04/06/2022 15:47

@IncompleteSenten My DH was annoyed with me for saying that one sentence. From 8am until about 3pm he was having a go at me, saying that I interfered, that he’s embarrassed by me, I’m too opinionated etc and it also brought up a lot of the arguments where I felt abandoned after my own labour’s, and he felt he did nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Spohn · 04/06/2022 15:49

Can you explain why you’re with a man who shouts at you at all? Never mind all day? How can you find that in any way acceptable?

Babyboomtastic · 04/06/2022 15:51

It sounded like new Dad had been there all afternoon and evening and then gone home to sleep.

Did he say he'd come home the previous evening or are you assuming? He may well have been up all night with the baby and cover give for a few hours to shower, change and rest.

I think your partner was OTT in going on about it all day, but you really should have minded your own business.

Blossomtoes · 04/06/2022 15:52

statetrooperstacey · 04/06/2022 14:43

i think you should have kept quiet, he probably needs to sleep as well, and perhaps 2.30 is visiting time?!

This.

Original poster
LovelyBranches · 04/06/2022 15:53

@Spohn I can’t explain it. I’m very shocked and upset by DH’s reaction. All I can say is that it’s out of character. I feel utterly exhausted by it and I feel that my one sentence doesn’t warrant this much of a reaction even if I did give unwarranted advice.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/06/2022 15:55

I think you were really wrong to say what you did but he’s been over the top and it sounds like there are other problems.

Is there any way of getting some space to think through how your relationship as a whole is going?

Andromachehadabadday · 04/06/2022 15:55

Did he possibly hang up because you have a habit of interfering m? You know him well and said just what you posted here. Most people with a good relationship would have responded with something like ‘oh the hospital said that time’ or something like that.

Hanging up feels more like a ‘ffs not dealing with this again’ reaction.

Your husband shouldn’t have shouted at you all day. But I would be pissed off with dp for interfering and kissing off my best friend when they were trying to give us some good and important news.

TheGoogleMum · 04/06/2022 15:56

I think they've overreacted. The new mum would probably think you! The new dad probably took it the wrong way as though you were suggesting he was being selfish not seeing his partner sooner

IncompleteSenten · 04/06/2022 15:57

Your husband is bang out of order.

itsgettingweird · 04/06/2022 15:57

Your reason your mum called you a go by cow is because you say she abuses you.

Your dh then called you too opinionated. This sounds like it's something he's feels in general and not just about this one situation?

Casting aside your reasons you say you made that comment - you probably need to sit back and reflect about whether you are too opinionated on things where it really isn't your place to comment.

My sister is like this. In her head she's being helpful all the time imparting her opinions of wisdom about how things should be based on how she felt about things.

The rest of us roll our eyes continuously, ignore and always joke about her.

She just can't see that no one needs her opinion on everything and genuinely thinks people not wanting her option on everything are being unkind as she's only trying to help 🙄

strawberry2017 · 04/06/2022 15:59

Good for you for thinking of the mother. I think you were right

Spohn · 04/06/2022 16:01

Surely you’ve corrected him? Told him he does not speak to you in that manner?

PurpleDaisies · 04/06/2022 16:04

Tbh if dh had made an equivalent comment to one of my best friends, I’d be annoyed with him. We’d have a short discussion about it and then let it go.

I wonder if this is the straw that’s broken the camel’s back and tipped him over the edge. Maybe he’s been resentful about comments you’ve made without saying anything before.

You need a proper talk about why he’s reacted like this, that it’s not an appropriate way to have a disagreement and work out how to resolve it.

ChocolateCroissantCafe · 04/06/2022 16:05

I think you were right to suggest it, he could have clarified if 2pm was the start of visiting. New dads might not realise that many wards have low staff levels and/or a real get on with it attitude, even when the mums aren't physically able to move much.

imperialminty · 04/06/2022 16:09

I honestly don’t blame your DH. I’d have been mortified if my partner spoke to one of my friends who had just had a new baby like that. None of your business. I’m so embarrassed for you.

PurpleDaisies · 04/06/2022 16:11

ChocolateCroissantCafe · 04/06/2022 16:05

I think you were right to suggest it, he could have clarified if 2pm was the start of visiting. New dads might not realise that many wards have low staff levels and/or a real get on with it attitude, even when the mums aren't physically able to move much.

Starting witg “Oh please go in…” changes it from a suggestion-it was telling the friend what to do. That was always likely to be perceived as a guilt trip or criticism and wasn’t appropriate not knowing any of what had actually happened the previous day.

Sirzy · 04/06/2022 16:16

You shouldn’t have interfered.

your partner shouldn’t have shouted at you.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 04/06/2022 16:16

Your mum sounds awful.

Your husband sounds horrible. Why would he ever yell at you? If he disagrees, surely he can tell you that without having to raise his voice? Does he often over react?

I'm worried he may have a history of verbally abusing you?

The best friend is ridiculous for hanging up due to your comment, as another poster said, he could just respond with his reasons for going in later, no need to hang up.

With regards to what you said, I guess it would be a bit annoying to be told by someone how to act. Your sentiment isnt wrong, ideally he'd be in hospital the whole time helping, but in reality, their relationship may not work like that and you have to allow them to work out their life for themselves. This is probably a bit of a lesson to just let people get on with their own decisions

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 04/06/2022 16:17

You did nothing wrong OP! The new Dad and your husbands reaction is very over the top and your mother is just bloody rude!

Does your husband usually shout at you?

Sirzy · 04/06/2022 16:18

PurpleDaisies · 04/06/2022 16:11

Starting witg “Oh please go in…” changes it from a suggestion-it was telling the friend what to do. That was always likely to be perceived as a guilt trip or criticism and wasn’t appropriate not knowing any of what had actually happened the previous day.

Show quote history

Exactly and if he was already feeling stressed and exhausted then it could have been the straw that broke the camels back.

him being well rested will put him in a better position to support his wife when she comes home and when they bring their baby home.

PurpleDaisies · 04/06/2022 16:18

The best friend is ridiculous for hanging up due to your comment, as another poster said, he could just respond with his reasons for going in later, no need to hang up.

Or he was really emotional and exhausted with everything that had happened in the last 24 hours and the unexpected criticism was just too much.

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