SIL - nephews birthday party

[lollipoplips]

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is a really shitty thing to do so interested to hear what people think.

I have 2 sons 18m and 3.
SIL has 2 sons 3 and 5.

It's my nephews 4th birthday next week and my mum gave me an invitation today for his party with just my youngest name on. I assumed it was a mistake and text SIL saying invite only says DS2 is that a mistake. She replied and said no, her son chose who he wanted to attend and he only said DS2, I replied and said I felt that was unfair to exclude 1 nephew from the party and she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.

For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play even if he doesn't get involved. There's no issues between them, no fighting/arguing he just keeps his distance, doing his own thing or watches everyone else. He's a happy boy, rarely has tantrums or meltdowns in public.

The party is at their house, in the garden, they have lots of space so numbers isn't an issue.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive and heartbroken for my beautiful boy as I feel this is the start of how he will be treated growing up.

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all.

it is very sad and shocking. If that is the way they raise their kids!

This stuff drives me nuts. This situation is when a responsible parent sits down and explains to their child why excluding a family member is not ok. Children aren't born knowing this stuff - it us up to us to teach them. She's an idiot.

SIL may think he doesn't want to be there or is bored if he's distant when he is there? I'd be tempted to explain to SIL that he may look distant but is actually enjoying himself.

The party is for a kid who is about to turn 4. It is highly unlikely that they have been asked to write out the invitations. They would have little to no say in who was invited at all. The SIL is the one who has the final say in who is invited and if she genuinely wanted one cousin there, should know automatically that when it comes to family events, all siblings should be included.

Current situation aside (and I think the suggestion made by @SarahDippity is excellent as is what @timeisnotaline suggested), but in your post you wrote:
It's my brother and his wife. There's no point speaking to him as he will always back what she says whether it's right or not.
There are so many threads on MN where we ask for our DH's to back us up when we're in a family dispute and it seems like your DB is doing just that for his wife.

Getting back to this situation, I'd recommend replying to your mum, your brother and your SiL with some form of wording like what SarahDippity or timeisnotaline have suggested or both. It's clear, concise and gets your frustration and disappointment to be dealing with these issues in your own family across very clearly.

I wouldn't go either. Fuck SIL and fuck your brother.

Totally shit behaviour from her
What a way to treat family

The older school hasn’t got a choice or free will though he’s not invited so if he wants to go and that would be his choice he still can’t go. Not all autistic kids want to stay at home all the time

Interesting that she (they?) already have your DM adapting and tap dancing to their tune not wanting to rock the boat. This is very controlling. They are dysfunctional. Get off their boat!

Sorry is this your brothers wife?

sorry just read the rest, honestly, I’d be more furious at my brother for this. They are awful. Yup don’t bother with them.

If she had invited the older dc who is a similar age to her dc, and not the 18m old, then that would be sort of understandable (toddlers can be tricky! And the activity might not have been suitable for the wee one) but this just seems mean. I just wouldn’t go.

If ,as you say your son causes no issues, then your sil and brother are a nasty vindictive pair.

I'd announce why publicly on social media or at least a family group chat.

She sounds like the type that would make you out to be the bad guy for not going.

Out of order. It's a bloody garden party as well so nothing your DS can't duck out of if needed. This sounds like sheer spitefulness and I wouldn't indulge in it. Don't cause drama. Just as pp have said explain that you can't allow one of your similar aged cousins to come and not the other. You encourage inclusivity and not discrimination in this household. You are happy to engage in playdates which include both children but cannot allow your DS to be excluded. The end

this is such a sad way for your SIL to behave

Can you explain to her that although it doesn't appear that your ds wants to play he loves attending his cousins house and it would be great if all the family i.e. both boys were to attend as leaving one person out is hurting you. Say have a think about it and let me know

Timeline's response is good. Send a card and gift and that response. Take your DC out for a fun treat.

Sadly, your eldest may find himself excluded from more things than if he were NT. Family parties are the one place you would expect him not to be.

Your SIL is bad mannered and inconsiderate. Allowing a 4 year old to choose which friends from school to invite is fine - but the parents should be managing it, ensuring they are not excluding one kid from a friendship group, or inviting the whole class bar one or two. If they don't want your older child at that party, they have 2 parties - one for school friends and one for family.

Good for you. Let us know how it goes

Everyone is talking about SIL. But she's not the only parent. If anything it's OP's blood relative who is more in the wrong for letting this happen. And not talking to him 'because he'll just back her up' is defeatist and not holding him to account.

Agree. This is why I advised telling the brother to fuck off.

Your likes and wants are not everyone elses - you dont like parties but you are not OPs DS and cannot speak on his behalf.

Many people DO feel upset at being excluded, and teaching a child its ok to exclude people just because they are different is abhorant especially in a situation of excluding 1 family member from and event all the other family members are attending.

Its abhorant for mannerless and cruel adults to do it too and would be bad parenting to allow your child to be excluded in social situations where the are blatently being discriminated against.

Its not just something children are 'forced' into it something all decent people learn about society.

Unkind because you’re family, but maybe it’s more of a party for friends than a family gathering?

If your child doesn’t join in with games and playing and just watches, perhaps it makes other children feel uncomfortable and scrutinised?

or SIL thought he wouldn’t enjoy the party? Or the birthday child feels disliked by your son (or dislikes him) if he won’t engage with anyone?

It’s unwise to ask such a young child to choose who to invite, but at the same time a bit unreasonable to insist on inviting someone ‘because they’re a cousin’ if the birthday child dislikes them, is uncomfortable around them or they make the party awkward by not joining in at all.

Different if all cousins and relatives are invited.

I’d work on social skills like joining in party games even if he just joins in one or two, greeting people politely, saying thank you, engaging a little bit if he can. Otherwise I think parties will be an issue at school; if he just watches and declines to take part or play, people will assume he doesn’t want to be there?

It may be a big garden but I’m guessing SIL capped numbers so it doesn’t get hard to manage, expensive to feed everyone etc. Maybe she told her son to choose 10 friends and your youngest was one of those regardless of being related?

If your child doesn’t join in with games and playing and just watches, perhaps it makes other children feel uncomfortable and scrutinised?

This is the most bullshit thing I’ve read on this thread.

I’d work on social skills like joining in party games even if he just joins in one or two, greeting people politely, saying thank you, engaging a little bit if he can.

Did you even read OP’s first post?

Why invite the baby then? If it’s more for friends and not a family gathering why invite just the younger sibIing and exclude the autistic one of same age if the birthday child. Ican’t see the baby being able to join in properly with the games either

What an awful post! Have you read the OP? The 18th month old DS2, is invited? So I presume they're more "liked" by a four year old?

I'm glad that you and the SIL are well in the minority!