SIL - nephews birthday party

[lollipoplips]

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is a really shitty thing to do so interested to hear what people think.

I have 2 sons 18m and 3.
SIL has 2 sons 3 and 5.

It's my nephews 4th birthday next week and my mum gave me an invitation today for his party with just my youngest name on. I assumed it was a mistake and text SIL saying invite only says DS2 is that a mistake. She replied and said no, her son chose who he wanted to attend and he only said DS2, I replied and said I felt that was unfair to exclude 1 nephew from the party and she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.

For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play even if he doesn't get involved. There's no issues between them, no fighting/arguing he just keeps his distance, doing his own thing or watches everyone else. He's a happy boy, rarely has tantrums or meltdowns in public.

The party is at their house, in the garden, they have lots of space so numbers isn't an issue.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive and heartbroken for my beautiful boy as I feel this is the start of how he will be treated growing up.

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all.

I follow a blogger on Fb called “finding coopers voice” who has an autistic child. Her next child isn’t autistic and one of the things she written about is how her next child was upset and asked her when he was very young if his brother didn’t like him, it was because he never wanted to play with him. So your nephew may very well be feeling like his cousin doesn’t like him and so in his 3 year old mind it is logical not to invite, however this is here s in law should be stepping in and explaining things.

She's either nasty or stupid. I wouldn't want my kids around her in future, unless she is normally very kind to DS1. I doubt that, so I would be very clear to my DB, that she has behaved like this, and you will be avoiding contact with her, and the reasons why. Your DB may have no idea who is/isn't invited.

Do not go.

Yeah you dont exclude family.

It MIGHT have made sense if DS2 was left off because the part was age specific or something and he was too young (but even then he should either be invited or it would be drop and go so you could take the youngest elsewhere like a softplay) but to leave DS1 off is not acceptible.

What does she expect your 3 year old to do by himself while the whole rest of the family is at this party hes not invited too?

No way would I be going and I’d be telling the hosts why and every other family member who asked me. Even if the birthday boy had decided that, it’s his parents job to teach acceptance and kindness.

Your sis-in-law sound like the type who wouldn’t care if you didn’t go anyway.
To piss her off I would still go and take both children!

“How do you suggest I explain to DS that he isn’t invited?”

Who does she think will be looking after your son while the rest of you go? Or does she not want you there either?

This is very important.

Your SIL already has form for being difficult. At least you have your DM in your side - but there is zero point engaging with HCPs = high conflict personalities (Google that) as they love a conflict.

Don’t get drawn in. Detach, be vague and vanilla. Withdraw slowly from their lives. Your DM will likely choose to have a strained relationship for connection with her own son.

You don’t need to endure that and infact you need to actively seek supportive and inclusive environments for your own son so give this lot a swerve.

Agree - keep shining a light on it with other family and friends - not in an aggressive or confrontational way - just calmly as this will have more impact.

I also like the suggested response from timeisnotaline. This is awful. I can understand perhaps the little boy struggles to communicate with your ds. However, a decent aunt would never exclude your ds.

Brilliant response.

I hope it rains on their party.

That is ridiculous! and very mean. Definitely don’t go. Why is she allowing a 3 year old to decide to exclude his cousin. If it were a class party at a venue with limited numbers it would be different but a party at their house, presumably with other family members attending she is just being very rude. Also how does she expect you to take one child and leave the other.

I'm autistic. I have a 45 year life experience of not being included in things.

Yet I still say it is unfair to force yourself on others, and to force children to spend time with people they don't want to. I think it takes away children's free will, their agency. It's deeply unfair to not give children a choice, or to totally disregard their wishes. You won't earn children's respect by being a dictator and breaking their sense of agency and choice. Besides, if your DS1 is anything like I was growing up, he'd find going their awkward and would prefer to be at home doing his own thing anyway, so why force it on both children? Let children make their own choices and find their own way. And don't cut off your nose to spite your face with SIL. Choose your battles, the wishes of the birthday child is not one of them.

Toddlers are not old enough to make informed decisions of this sort. This is just her being nasty. I doubt her son has even expressed a preference. However, if he had forgotten to mention his other cousin then a good parent would explain that it is necessary to invite both on this occasion so that no one feels left out. She would point out hw sad he would be if his cousin invited his sibling but not him. He would then learn an important lesson about being kind.

I cannot actually believe there are adults as nasty as your SIL- I would never ever speak to her again. She's devil spawn ! I am actually furious for you and your little boy !

That's awful. Yes her child can choose when it comes to friends but you dont choose between cousins at that age. She doesnt want your eldest there. What is going on with all this exclusion of children lately. How can people be so mean?

I would take my own children out for the day instead and tell her why.

That’s horrible. Does your brother know? How does he feel about it?

if I were your mum, I wouldn’t be going either.

I'm saddened at some of the responses advocating actions or wishing for things that will hurt the nephew. Come on now.

Absolutely right for OP's family not to go. Mean to wish rain or his grandma's absence on him. He's about to be four and has no concept of what's been unleashed. And even if he did say he only wanted the toddler there, he has little understanding of why and what it means to say so.

While I completely agree she is being mean and unreasonable, not going at all is just as bad! You're basically then telling your younger son that he's not as important as his brother.

I wouldn't go, that's really horrid.

Yes, this. And she is setting up a life where if her older son is not included, her younger son can't have friendships. It's so fucked up. I can see why she thinks the ways she does, but with children the adult's NT mindset doesn't work. Ultimately the younger son will miss out and will resent that he can't have a life without his brother tagging along. The OP means well, I don't doubt that. But she is absolutely fucking everything up. Let kids be kids, let them choose and make up their own minds. Now OP has caused a split in her family, too. She has that on her conscience.

Never expose your children to people (family FFS) who disrespect and exclude others - especially vulnerable children.

That is truly awful on your SIL’s part. I wouldn’t go either. No way would I exclude one of my children from a family party