SIL - nephews birthday party

[lollipoplips]

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is a really shitty thing to do so interested to hear what people think.

I have 2 sons 18m and 3.
SIL has 2 sons 3 and 5.

It's my nephews 4th birthday next week and my mum gave me an invitation today for his party with just my youngest name on. I assumed it was a mistake and text SIL saying invite only says DS2 is that a mistake. She replied and said no, her son chose who he wanted to attend and he only said DS2, I replied and said I felt that was unfair to exclude 1 nephew from the party and she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.

For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play even if he doesn't get involved. There's no issues between them, no fighting/arguing he just keeps his distance, doing his own thing or watches everyone else. He's a happy boy, rarely has tantrums or meltdowns in public.

The party is at their house, in the garden, they have lots of space so numbers isn't an issue.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive and heartbroken for my beautiful boy as I feel this is the start of how he will be treated growing up.

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all.

I find it very hard to believe that a 3 year old would have the capacity to exclude just one cousin but even if he did, why on earth wouldn't your SIL and DB step in and explain to them about being inclusive etc.
Dreadful people.

Definitely do not go!

I would never, ever, ever force my child to invite someone they didn't want, just because I was a virtue signaller. I would also, as someone who was actually diagnosed with HF Autism, never want to be forced on someone who wouldn't want me there. And you know if you're not wanted somewhere, trust me, you know. NT virtue signalling is incompatible with autistic children either being forced on someone, or forced to spend time with someone they don't want to, because the parents/relatives whatever what to try to make me/the child with autism appear normal and do normal things and fit in. It just does not work! I am extremely pro children's rights and childrens liberation and I would never force my child to invite someone they don't want, I would never break their spirit like that and force my view on them.

What a cunt. I can imagine a child saying I only want to invite one of the sibling cousins but as the adult you simply say no they both come, you can't leave one out.

Oh that’s awful, your poor boy. Glad you won’t be going, you’re showing solidarity to him (even though he doesn’t know) xx

Please don’t go - you’ll set a precedent for the future if you give in to this hideous and cruel behavior. Just a thought @lollipoplips, you mention your DM has a strained relationship with your SIL.
Could this be a deliberate attempt by your SIL to stir up shit between your brother and you and the rest of your family? You mention he always has her back to so possibly she’s counting on this to turn into a lot of drama which will involve him, you and your parents and will possibly cause a falling out. Whatever you do, don’t get too emotional in your response to her, keep it very clear but very polite because this could be some kind of nasty trap.

@Alb0 OP hasn't yet done anything as far as we know. Her other son is 18 months old so will be blissfully unaware of anything. And the birthday boy is barely four, so can easily have it explained that his family members are a given at parties.

I agree with you though, that causing a wider family split is the worst thing that could happen to all the children. So a calm but firm approach that makes SIL and DB actually think, is far better than going in guns blazing, which will just make them angry and defensive too.

I agree with this. This is not about your DS or even her DS - your SIL sounds divisive and might be looking to cause a rift to isolate your DB. So just calmly withdraw from their lives / be “busy” etc don’t get drawn in to give her the agitation / rift she might be seeking.

I am sorry that such a character has joined your family. New set of management skills needed from now on in.

Do you think she realises how mean that is? You know your brother and sister in law but just spell it out when you respond - the 'invite who you want/like rule' only applies to classmates, not family.

I'd get in touch with your brother rather than SIL. Yes, he might just back her thoughtlessly but he's the one your closest to (I'd have thoughts) and he might hav a lightbulb moment if its laid out dispassionately to him.

Honestly though, it speaks very poorly of them that you need to spell this out in the first place. I'd keep it civil but distance yourself and your boys massively.

That’s no way to treat family.

You are not wrong at all. No child should be left out by their own family. She is an awful human.

I wouldn't be going either. It's really mean to invite one sibling and not the other when it's family. We aren't talking about much older kids here either who might have different relationships with each other. They're all just little.

My ds ASD/PDA loves family gatherings. Sometimes he's in the mix, other times he's happy knowing everyone is there and he takes himself off to read somewhere. ALL of our family, on both sides, just let him get on with it. Even my in-laws in-laws just go with the flow. They'd never leave him out.

Tbh at the ages these children are, I wouldn't have allowed my child to only invite one cousin (who's a baby) and not the other. Potential ASD or not. Just logistically it's unfair on the parents.

And yes, it sets the tone going forward.

You don't break a child spirit by inviting all their cousins to a birthday party.

My youngest attends a SN school. Friendships certainly aren't forced but they are expected to behave decently towards each other.

Kindness and generosity does not equal virtue signalling.

@Alb0 - I am not sure that you know what virtue signalling means? The OP is not virtue signalling about anything - she is expressing the hurt and confusion of excluding a specific family member / vulnerable child from a family event. There is nothing nuanced about this - it’s straightforwardly socially unacceptable.

I'd take my two sons out for a nice day in the park and forget to mention to SIL DS2 isn't coming to the party.

Did she really expect you to roll up to a party with both kids then tell DS 1 "you can't go" and take him away again?

@lollipoplips What a mean, shitty thing for your SIL to do! I would be SO upset & angry in your shoes & definitely wouldn't go at all!
Of course kids can invite who they like to a birthday party & siblings don't always have to do everything together etc BUT that doesn't apply to family!! I don't even understand why she bothered with actual invites for family - you just tell them when/where & ALL the children are included - especially at this young age & the fact that the party is only at their house anyway - its not like it's an event with paid for spaces!!
Your eldest son sounds absolutely awesome & deserves so much better from supposed family. I'd have to have it out with her & your brother definitely needs to grow a pair & put her straight. She sounds vile.

I’m glad you’re not going, I can’t even imagine only inviting one of my DC’s cousins to their birthday parties and not the other - to be honest it’s such a given that the cousins all attend each other’s that we don’t really bother with official invites any more!

@Alb0 If your kids learn from birth every single will and want of theirs will be catered to, they're in for a truly bloody rude awakening when they're older an expect to get the same treatment from strangers, who'll obviously have no duty to bow to them. You better live to be 100 to pet them on the head when things get tough.

How could an adult be so mean to a young child? I wouldn’t go and if anybody asks why, simply explain that she wanted to exclude one member of the family. No need to expand, they will be able to work out themselves what a cow she is. I wouldn’t bother sending a gift, the child will receive plenty. Spend the money on a treat for your two.

God this is awful! I have two sons and eldest is autistic and I can see how my youngest gets favoured by certain relatives-I avoid them now and see those that value BOTH of my children!

@Alb0 but its not a child in the class its a family member who has done nothing wrong and is 3 ? So if your child wanted to invite 19 out of 20 in their class you would say ok ? You wouldn't explain that maybe thats a little unkind? In this situations there cousins and the sil could even explain in childlike terms that op child is different because of xyz and actually that we are all different and i can't believe he plays anymore with an 18 month old either
The sil is just being mean
We can teach our children that all situations need addressing differently , in life they will have to associate with people they don't like

I just popped back in to say that at least you know now and can protect you dc from that absolute gnome of a woman. You no longer have to pretend to tolerate her at all. Don’t waste your energy or emotions on her ever again.
BTW, I wouldn’t even RSVP to the party. This is one time I would deliberately bin my manners and let her (or more likely, your DB) come to you to find out why you didn’t show. Then either let her have it with both guns or simply say “You know exactly why…” and hang up.
Don’t get sucked into any future guilt trips about your kids having a relationship with their cousins. (From any family members - even your mum.) To do so, they’d have to have a relationship with their mother, and she’s shown herself to be someone extremely unsafe. (I would also ensure that everyone in your wider family knows about this ASAP and that her name is mud.)

There is no not evil reason for that, being a house party with garden and family. So sorry and I wouldn’t want to go with just one sibling either.

Really ? We don’t even know for definite that the child was even asked. It sounds like the SIL made up her own mind .

I taught my children to be inclusive and not discriminate and to consider the needs of others.

I have a nephew who actually is in care now , but we used to invite him to parties and make special arrangements that the parents were there with him if the need arose to intervene .

i am with the OP . I would decline the invitation. The SIL could have handled this so much better.

@Alb0
I understand where you’re coming from about being invited when not wanted. However, this is a small child being allowed to exclude his cousin because he doesn’t yet understand about empathy, not an attempt to break his spirits. The teen years will be very tough on parents of the pandered to children and adulthood very tough on those children. Op has not broken up the family and an 18 month old will not know he’s been excluded.