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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Falling out on family holiday

134 replies

Lemonickle · 03/06/2022 20:40

At Easter we went away for a weeks holiday with the grandparents and my brother, his wife and baby. We booked a 4 bedroom lodge to share so plenty of space for each family. Brother constantly complained we where making too much noise waking baby up at night, we basically sat in the lounge whispering but apparently we weren't quiet enough. He puts baby to bed at 7 every night without fail. We are understanding, we have a 7 year old but we even got told off for going out into the garden while baby was napping during the day. Since we have been home there's been an atmosphere and no one has been as friendly as usual.

We are supposed to be going away together again in the summer holidays for a week. It's expensive, costing us over £4000 which we and the grandparents agreed to go halves on (£2000 each) as brother claimed they can't afford to pay towards so we invited them and said it's ok we won't ask for a contribution so brother gets a free holiday. So Easter lodge holiday we cooked our own meals in the lodge as we couldn't afford to order out. Brother ordered takeout every night and went shopping and came back with designer clothes (but can't afford to contribute towards the summer holiday)

AIBU to think I'm being treated like a mug or am I as my dad's says that I am being oversensitive?

My mum made a couple of mean comments about my son, saying he's hard work and doesn't communicate well. She never speaks to him. As we had looked after my brothers son so they could go out for a meal, I mentioned to my mum that we would sneak out for a few hours one evening without our son and she refused to let us go, even though they where all in the lodge all evening and he is 7.

I mentioned to my dad that maybe we should cancel going away in summer if the situation isn't working for us. It's costing us a big chunk of our money and we are struggling to get it together. We don't want another week of being told off. My parents got in a bad mood with me and are now being difficult about picking up my son from school. My hours at work change soon and occasionally they where needed to walk around to the after school club at 6pm to collect my son as I don't get home till 6:15. This isn't even a regular arrangement maybe 3 or 4 times a month at the most. They are both retired and have said they will if I pay them £10 a time.

Part of me thinks I'm in the wrong. They don't have to babysit if they don't want to. But without those 15 minutes help every now and again I won't be able to do my job. I can't do anything about my hours, it's a rubbish job but it pays the bills.

OP posts:
CatSeany · 04/06/2022 05:33

I'd sort my own childcare and cancel the holiday. Clearly all of the good things they've done for you in the past have been at a cost, even if they seemed free at first. Your compliance and your continued presence on family holidays that you no longer enjoy are the cost. Now that you're raising concerns and thinking about not going, they want payment. (Also I can't believe they wouldn't facilitate you going out for the evening!)

ivykaty44 · 04/06/2022 06:18

Use childcare dot co dot U.K. to find ad hoc babysitter

£10 isn’t jyst for the 15 minutes, it’s for getting there, petrol and getting back

minum charge would be one hours work otherwise it’s not worth it

as it’s only a few times a month it’s probably going to suit someone for some extra money if you don’t want your parents doing it

as for the holiday go on the condition you can make some noises

Introvertedbuthappy · 04/06/2022 06:36

I absolutely wouldn't want to be spending time with my parents and brother if they were like this (my brother is the golden child in my family too). Particularly the trying to paint your child out as difficult (assuming of course that he isn't).

Just do your own holiday without them. When they take the hump, just point out breezily that it didn't work so well last time. In the meantime, get someone else to pick up your child on the occasion you need it.

OverEggedPudding · 04/06/2022 06:48

Part of me thinks I'm in the wrong.

No, part of you has been conditioned by your parents to think that you are in the wrong, so you always concede to keep the peace for what they want.*

I used to have family members like this. What I found was I had to tip the scales of power back in my favour. For you, that may mean getting someone else to pick up your DS e.g. friend and trade playdates. When you don't need something from someone, you owe them nothing.

I used to have someone like this in our family. They are still there, but have no power over me whatsoever as I do not use them for anything, nor do I owe them anything. I often get asked to go away for the weekend, on holiday or day out and I say no, because like you, I came off worse whilst there. As this person has got older I have also made it clear that they are not my responsibility to help, as they never helped us.

Stopping being your DB and DP's whipping boy.

SmartCarDriver · 04/06/2022 07:24

Your parents accept £10 for 15 mins childcare? To be honest I'd rather pay double than pay them.

YANBU, don't go on the holiday!

givethatWolfAbanana · 04/06/2022 07:31

Find a local teenager to pick up your DS and look after him for 15 mins for £10

scrap the family hols, just say it’s too expensive

then do your own thing

why be beholden like this???!!!!

thedogshatonthematt · 04/06/2022 07:42

Doginthewindow · 03/06/2022 21:03

’Only 4 times a month’ is once a week..quite a lot to expect. If you don’t want to go on the holiday, then don’t. You don’t even need a reason.

15 mins with your grandchild once per week is asking a lot?!

Blaze1886 · 04/06/2022 07:48

I wouldn't have agreed to go on holiday again after the first time

You're brother is taking you for a mug yes

daisychain01 · 04/06/2022 08:11

You must be rolling in it, if you are planning to spend £2K on a holiday, having already come back from a holiday where you claim to have been miserable.

it all sounds exhausting.

cost of living crisis, whazaat?

Beautifulmonster87 · 04/06/2022 08:13

Wow sounds a nightmare! Your brother gets a free holiday yet moans about your child and orders food he can afford?! Your parents make you feel like your son isn’t doing well for his age and expect payment for a favour?! Change the holiday… lose a deposit, do something without them on your own terms. They don’t sound like kind family members to me!!

theremustonlybeone · 04/06/2022 08:34

It’s not clear from your post if you have a partner but if you do have you both discussed this ? As I wouldn’t have put up with this if my DH was being treated like this by his parents and I certainly wouldn’t be using them for childcare or paying for my brothers holiday

ringemoooo · 04/06/2022 08:35

Don't go on the holiday.
Just say the last time didn't work for you and you don't have the 2K, and won't be able to save it in time, so for those two reasons you won't be going.
They can then kick off and threaten all they like, just ignore it.

The childcare is a separate issue. You can't expect grandparents to do childcare, even if it's picking the kid up once a week for 15 minutes. Still, most grandparents would probably be glad of the opportunity to spend some time with their grandchild and would also want to help out their own daughter. They are entitled to say no if they don't want to do it and also to ask for some money towards petrol costs if necessary. What they are not entitled to do, is to use this as some kind of blackmail tool.
Pull the rug from under them. There must be a way to cover those 15 minutes 4 times a month. Find a solution to that ASAP.

Blinky21 · 04/06/2022 08:36

Ideally don't go away with any of them ever again, but if you have to to stay in separate lodges or hotel rooms. I cant believe your parents charge you to pick up their grandchild from school, sorry to say it but your family sounds horrible. Next year book a lovely holiday without any of them

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 04/06/2022 08:39

Randomness12 · 03/06/2022 20:55

This is two separate issues. The holiday should absolutely be cancelled. If your brother can’t afford to go, you shouldn’t be subsidising him whilst he is clearly taking the mick.

As for the childcare, I agree that you can’t expect it. However, if they did it for your brother they should do it for you on holiday so you could have a meal/go out.

The regular childcare for work - no chance. I’d find another solution. Your parents actually sound very difficult and I wouldn’t be relying on them. Either change your hours, but if not possible then find a childminder/another parent who needs help to swap babysitting with.

Totally agree with all of this ⬆️

Am disgusted by your parents attitude, and your brother is taking advantage. Very sad for you - such a shame

Skyeheather · 04/06/2022 08:40

I would never share holiday accommodation with another family as I like my own space and it's bad enough the four of us having to share a bathroom on holiday (we have one each at home).

Separate hotel room or SC accommodation is the way to go, you can have days out etc together but you have your space to live out with that.

Jonagirl · 04/06/2022 08:50

I wouldn't spend time with these people for free, I cannot imagine spending 2k for the privilege!! Your family are a shower of prices. Cancel the holiday, cancel the "childcare "

And your son deserves better than a granny who doesn't talk to him and has to be paid £10 to walk with him for 15 minutes. Fuck me, ditch the lot of them

muddyford · 04/06/2022 08:51

It didn't work last time. Why on earth do you want to repeat the experience?

Whatafustercluck · 04/06/2022 09:09

Wow, they charge you for looking after their grandson?! Yet they're prepared to finance your brother's holiday? Have they always treated you both so differently?

I totally understand why people say sort out your own childcare for your own child but for most functioning families, helping each other out when needed is normal family life.

The only thing you've done wrong here is agreed to pay for his holiday and then complain about it. Also, if there's history of them all behaving this way then you should have said no to going with them again rather than expect them to behave differently. £2000 for one week is an awful lot to pay to stay with selfish, entitled pricks who cannot even extend you the courtesy of an evening out.

I'd be saying to your mum that as she finds your son such hard work, you'll be making your own arrangements and pulling out. And if they're really that toxic, I'd be distancing myself generally too. Honestly op, plenty on here will tell you yabu for expecting free childcare. But the reality is, this is simply not the way most families behave, however imperfect they might be in other ways.

Herejustforthisone · 04/06/2022 09:13

Your brother the golden child per chance?

Dotn waste your hard-earned money on these people. Your mother and brother sound especially awful.

ElsieMc · 04/06/2022 09:17

I am a grandparent carer and two of my gs's live with me. I childmind my gd for a full day once a week as does her other grandparent. It is just one day which I enjoy, sometimes it can be tough and sometimes I feel a bit taken for granted.

I could not contemplate asking my own dd for £10 for fifteen minutes time with my own gc. Whilst I fully support a grandparents' right to say no, this is not the norm at all op. I am sorry you are being treated so shabbily by your own parents.

But you are allowing it. Do not go on this holiday. You are subsidising your spoilt brat brother and your parents, as hard as it is to hear, have a very limited relationship with your ds and tbh, I would not want to leave him with them. They are not nice and you deserve better.

Need2P · 04/06/2022 09:20

How much deposit have you paid hor this holiday?

TheHighStreetsAreDying · 04/06/2022 09:29

Forgetting the childcare issue for a moment, at the very least you need to cancel the summer holiday OP.

If you don't, you'll literally be the living, breathing embodiment of the definition of insanity - that is, doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result.

Cancel the summer break, then you can deal with the other things without any other distractions.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/06/2022 09:33

Jesus, your own parents expect to be paid £10 to pick up your son occasionally and yet they are happy to pay 4k for a week holiday to treat your brother?

Cancel the holiday. I could almost forgive our brother until the bit about shopping and ordering takeaways. Who would order in takeaway in these circumstances? It's just rude, you all cook together and split the shopping costs.

Is there no-one else that could pick up DS when they collect their own child and either take him home for a few minutes until you collect or walk slowly from the school so you can grab him on the road? You can offer to do the same. Even if it's someone with a child in a different class?

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 04/06/2022 09:35

Definitely cancel. That sounds so un fun! The Easter lodge hol sounded rubbish too! You had to sit inside the lodge during the baby’s nap?? Cancel and hire a teenager to pick him up from after school club. Or maybe a friend get him and you grab him from their house.

PelicansPandasandPuppiesOhmy · 04/06/2022 09:39

Put your son first, I bet he didn't have a good time constantly being told to be quiet and knowing his grandparents and uncle disapprove of him, and the general air of tension. Cancel the holiday. For 2k you could have an amazing holiday with just your family unit, heck you could go to Disney with thay much!