Falling out on family holiday

[Lemonickle]

At Easter we went away for a weeks holiday with the grandparents and my brother, his wife and baby. We booked a 4 bedroom lodge to share so plenty of space for each family. Brother constantly complained we where making too much noise waking baby up at night, we basically sat in the lounge whispering but apparently we weren't quiet enough. He puts baby to bed at 7 every night without fail. We are understanding, we have a 7 year old but we even got told off for going out into the garden while baby was napping during the day. Since we have been home there's been an atmosphere and no one has been as friendly as usual.

We are supposed to be going away together again in the summer holidays for a week. It's expensive, costing us over £4000 which we and the grandparents agreed to go halves on (£2000 each) as brother claimed they can't afford to pay towards so we invited them and said it's ok we won't ask for a contribution so brother gets a free holiday. So Easter lodge holiday we cooked our own meals in the lodge as we couldn't afford to order out. Brother ordered takeout every night and went shopping and came back with designer clothes (but can't afford to contribute towards the summer holiday)

AIBU to think I'm being treated like a mug or am I as my dad's says that I am being oversensitive?

My mum made a couple of mean comments about my son, saying he's hard work and doesn't communicate well. She never speaks to him. As we had looked after my brothers son so they could go out for a meal, I mentioned to my mum that we would sneak out for a few hours one evening without our son and she refused to let us go, even though they where all in the lodge all evening and he is 7.

I mentioned to my dad that maybe we should cancel going away in summer if the situation isn't working for us. It's costing us a big chunk of our money and we are struggling to get it together. We don't want another week of being told off. My parents got in a bad mood with me and are now being difficult about picking up my son from school. My hours at work change soon and occasionally they where needed to walk around to the after school club at 6pm to collect my son as I don't get home till 6:15. This isn't even a regular arrangement maybe 3 or 4 times a month at the most. They are both retired and have said they will if I pay them £10 a time.

Part of me thinks I'm in the wrong. They don't have to babysit if they don't want to. But without those 15 minutes help every now and again I won't be able to do my job. I can't do anything about my hours, it's a rubbish job but it pays the bills.

Cancel the holiday, why put yourself and your son through being sidelined and criticised by your mother and brother? If your brother can’t afford to pay then he doesn’t get to go.
Your son probably picks up on the way his grandmother feels about him. Don’t let them do this to him.
Use the £2.000.00 saved by cancelling the holiday on a holiday for the three of you.
Your parents see you as a cash cow. It’ll continue it you let it.

I agree with trying to find a teenager or other local to do the 15 minutes a few times a month. I'm sure there are plenty who would jump at the chance to make a tenner for such little work. You might even be able to talk one of the staff at the after school club into doing it for you.

Work on distancing yourself from both your parents and your brother. Don't think of them as people to turn to for anything. Increase your social network with other parents, friends, local childminders, etc. Try some technique like medium chill.

Canceling the summer holiday sounds like a sensible move. But if you think your parents would really leave you high and dry over the pick up or you would lose your money and feel like you have to go don't be cowed into not enjoying the space by either your brother or your parents. Just do your thing. If it wakes the baby say "That's a shame, but we're not making our holiday miserable to make yours perfect." If your brother's buying takeout tell him he should be buying it for all of you if he isn't contributing to the rental (he probably won't, but you making it clear you aren't buying his claims of poverty isn't a bad idea). Don't offer to babysit for them. Don't lend any of them money or take on anything on the promise of something from them later. Center the holiday around you and your DC and don't sway to your parents or brother's demands. If they say they've decided something that you don't want, just say "That doesn't work for us." Go out with out them. Don't tell them your plans, keep everything vague. If they try and surprise you with something (like babysitting) after you've said you're doing something that makes it seem like you could, just say something like "Oh, we really don't want to do that on holiday. I'm sure you understand." Don't back down, but don't raise the stakes by being confrontational. Just say you don't want to or change the subject. Make the best of it for yourselves and when you get back, do more of that distancing.

Totally!

Have you done any reading around dysfunctional family dynamics OP? I reckon it could be very enlightening for you.

Step away from them. You're not oversensiitve. You're being treated badly. And your brother is taking the absolute piss not paying his share.

cancel the holiday, say you can’t afford it and didn’t enjoy the last one

find alternative childcare but in the meantime pay the £10 for 5 minutes.

Cancel that holiday, book another one and tell your brother you're not going because
A. You want to be able to relax with your child and
B. You aren't prepared to subsidise his takeaway meals and designer clothes or his holidays any more

Your parents are trickier. Is there really no one else who could collect your son from school ? I would try to rely on them as little as possible but I know that can be difficult. They would probably deny favouring your brother if you mention it to them . Maybe going on holiday with him without you there as a buffer might help open their eyes to him

Cancel the holiday. Why on earth should you absorb half the costs so your brother can have a holiday???? Your parents can pay for golden boy and his family. CF’s!!!

ignore the posters saying you’re hard work. They obviously only read your last paragraph.

OP just uncomplicate your life..... my daughters were under school age then school age and I worked full time my husband worked away all week....do not rely on anyone EVER and plan ahead......have the occasional back up if necessary....in this it was my mum who is a fabulous Grandma but not a 'nanny' and they have the most wonderful relationship

Sod the holiday. Have a lovely time with your boy instead. Why would you pay for your rude brother? Let them all go and piss each other off. Save the cash and you have a child care fund. Find a local teen - way easier. They will be fun and grateful and entitled to pay. I would look at my mother very differently if she demanded - while being able to afford two grand holidays - payment for a few picks ups of my child.
invest in your son and your friends - build your own happy

Oh good god, you should absolutely cancel the holiday!

They are horrible parents and grandparents and I'd tell them all to do one. You're being royally taken the piss out of.

You sounds like a totally dysfunctional family

I am so sorry, your family sound awful...cancel the holiday and find other child care arrangements....Jesus I would never treat my family like this

I'd pull out if you can. You'll have £2000 to do as you please! Is there any backstory to why your parents speak to you like this? It's not nice at all.

A local teenager would kill for £10 for 15 minutes a few times a month.

Cancel the holiday; your brother was unreasonable on holiday, taking the piss financially already for the next one, and your parents back him, not you. Just tell them you're out.

Go low contact with your parents.

Reclaim your sanity. You're not wrong about their unreasonableness!

I agree with the others, do not go away with them again! Go away on your own, the three of you and you can make some noise!!

Also the £10 for collecting your son, do they use fuel etc, take him back to their house and feed him while your job prevents you from getting him earlier? (15 minutes?) I don't have a solution to suggest for that, but it seems pretty mean of them

Cancel the holiday. Use the money for
childcare. Let them Know the holiday is canceled but I wouldn’t have anything else to say for a while!! It would be better that way as if I said what I thought it would take longer to recover!

I would forget asking your parents for help and get someone to help you out for an hour from 6 til 7 rather than £10 for 15 mins. I would also forget the holiday. You can go on a nice holiday yourselves and relax.

Could your partner put in a flexible working request and do pick up on those days? Why is it you expected to do all the running around?

If not, use a childminder instead or ask a friendly / trustworthy parent who also uses after school club on the same days?

And definitely DO NOT go on that holiday. It will be awful!

like, this entire ridiculous situation is unnecessary. It’s fine to realise you have toxic, shitty relatives, and deal with that mentally, and learn strategies to remove these people from your life, but it is not ok to inflict vile people on your kids. Do better. Family is what we choose for ourselves. Genes are not an obligation.

Sack off the holiday. Tell work you either can't dothe extra time or find a friend to help in exchange for a reciprocal favour like babysitting so she can go out. Don't use your parents for childcare again. I'd steer clear. They sound nasty.

This.

Personally op i think your parents are being awful asking for £10. They either want to do it or they don't. If they don't that's up to then but then you can make your own arrangements. Your brother sounds awful too and seems to have his behaviour facilitated. I wouldnt be going on the holiday and I would take a step back. I wouldnt be relying on parents for childcare when they can hold it against me - they sound like the type.

Your family sound awful I would not go away with them if you can afford to get out of it. Have you considered a childminder who may be amenable to 615 pick up?