Falling out on family holiday

[Lemonickle]

At Easter we went away for a weeks holiday with the grandparents and my brother, his wife and baby. We booked a 4 bedroom lodge to share so plenty of space for each family. Brother constantly complained we where making too much noise waking baby up at night, we basically sat in the lounge whispering but apparently we weren't quiet enough. He puts baby to bed at 7 every night without fail. We are understanding, we have a 7 year old but we even got told off for going out into the garden while baby was napping during the day. Since we have been home there's been an atmosphere and no one has been as friendly as usual.

We are supposed to be going away together again in the summer holidays for a week. It's expensive, costing us over £4000 which we and the grandparents agreed to go halves on (£2000 each) as brother claimed they can't afford to pay towards so we invited them and said it's ok we won't ask for a contribution so brother gets a free holiday. So Easter lodge holiday we cooked our own meals in the lodge as we couldn't afford to order out. Brother ordered takeout every night and went shopping and came back with designer clothes (but can't afford to contribute towards the summer holiday)

AIBU to think I'm being treated like a mug or am I as my dad's says that I am being oversensitive?

My mum made a couple of mean comments about my son, saying he's hard work and doesn't communicate well. She never speaks to him. As we had looked after my brothers son so they could go out for a meal, I mentioned to my mum that we would sneak out for a few hours one evening without our son and she refused to let us go, even though they where all in the lodge all evening and he is 7.

I mentioned to my dad that maybe we should cancel going away in summer if the situation isn't working for us. It's costing us a big chunk of our money and we are struggling to get it together. We don't want another week of being told off. My parents got in a bad mood with me and are now being difficult about picking up my son from school. My hours at work change soon and occasionally they where needed to walk around to the after school club at 6pm to collect my son as I don't get home till 6:15. This isn't even a regular arrangement maybe 3 or 4 times a month at the most. They are both retired and have said they will if I pay them £10 a time.

Part of me thinks I'm in the wrong. They don't have to babysit if they don't want to. But without those 15 minutes help every now and again I won't be able to do my job. I can't do anything about my hours, it's a rubbish job but it pays the bills.

The money you will save not subbing him on the holiday will pay for the occasional child care

You need to step back and remove any reliance on them.

Sounds like he's the golden child and your the family scapegoat.

The most upsetting thing of your whole post is your mother and her dislike of your son as “she never speaks to him”, her grandson, and she’s made “mean comments about” him.

Your parents have also been petty in retaliation of your concerns about the summer holiday and are now being difficult about picking your son up from school. And they want to be paid £10 each time just to pick up their own grandson!

For me that puts a different slant on your family dynamics and I’m sorry to say this but they don’t sound like very nice people.

I certainly wouldn’t want to go on holiday with them and I definitely would not be paying for your brother. Designer clothes? - yes you’re being taken for a mug.

I’m sure there there would be countless other Mums at the school who would be happy to pick up your son and keep him for 15 minutes for £10, for the 4 times a month you need, so I’d look into that as soon as possible.

From your description of being refused the chance of a night out on holiday and family saying you are too sensitive, it sounds like your brother is the golden child. I would not be going on holiday under these circumstances.
Your seven year old and your brother's baby have different needs. These have to be negotiated when the children are siblings but more difficult if the children are cousins. Of course your 7 year old should be e able to relax and p look at in the garden on holiday. Naturally your brother wants quiet when this baby goes down for a nap.
Holiday time is precious. I would not be spending mine where the expectations are so incompatible. It takes vompromolise on both be sides to be work and if your pare bets are more sympathetic to your brother's family needs, it's your family who will miss out.
Why would you pay extra towards repeating this scenario in the summer op?. If your brother really wanted to come he would stop the spending money on designer clothes in order to pay his way. Not your business how he spends his money but I be wouldn't be helping to fund another holiday together. Apart from the expense, why would you do that when the last holiday was unsuccessful?It is difficult in a family dynamic where you are expected to fit in but being a people pleaser never works op. In that family dynamic you will always be expected to be the one to give in.
I think your parents are being very unkind in charging you for the 15 minutes chil care you need. Sounds like a bit of 'tit for tat' is going on. Do as we want over the holiday or we won't look after your child.
If you have to pay £10 I would be inclined to get a childminder wher you can't be made to feel as though you are getting a big favour. You could get an hour for that ...get a bit of shopping done or chill out at home.or have a coffee with a friend 💐

Excuse typos 😬

This just sums up nicely why I never invite relatives on family holidays! I couldn't be bothered with all the agro.

Hate hate hate family holidays. Love my family but every holiday I’ve been on with extended family have been awful. Sorry you had a hard time.

God I hate that remark.

Why does the OP sound like hard work?

Her parents sound horrible. And who charges £10 a throw to go and pick up their grandchildren?

I wouldn’t be going in the holiday and I’d be looking for someone else to pick up my child.

Your parents, and brother, sound like utter arseholes.

Will they be able to afford it if you don’t go?

I wouldn’t want to go given how the Easter holiday went

To be honest I am shocked at the behaviour of your parents. I agree that GP should not be expected to offer childcare, but to demand £10 to pick up their GC and keep them for 15 minutes takes the prize for CF of the year.

Is there another mum who could pick up your DS on the days GP collect him?

I would cancel the holiday with your family, there is nothing on earth that would persuade me to holiday with this level of toxic.

Let your parents subsidise their golden child and keep well out. For £2000, you and your family can go somewhere of your choosing and have a much better time.

if it was me in this situation, I would be going NC.

I would firstly speak to the after-school club first of all and explain about sometimes needing an extra 15 minutes, they may be able to help.

I wouldn't ask your parents for any help ever again.

I don’t think your parents want to commit to picking your child up on a regular basis and I think that is fair enough.

You definitely need to pull out of this holiday though. You don’t sound like a family that ought to be holidaying together, I just don’t think you all like each other enough for that.

For me that would be holiday cancelled and parents told to stick their kind offer of a £10 charge to collect your ds who it sounds like maybe doesn’t even have that nice of a time for those 15 minutes.
Holidays are precious (to most of us!), they shouldn’t be so constrained or tense. That’s NOT a holiday.
You shouldn’t be subsidising a grown adult, he can’t afford it - he doesn’t come. Jesus how many people don’t bother paying their own bloody way as adults??
Sorry, they sound dreadful and you and your son deserve better. Use the saved holiday money to put towards other childcare options for your son once a week.

Typical in many families, the son is always the favourite and the parents always enable him. As said up thread you are low in the pecking order, it doesn’t matter what you want.
I would NOT be paying £2K for a holiday and my brother go for free - fuck that. You need to make yourself heard!!!!!

Nail on head.

Has your partner any comment on the situation? I think there is one in the picture since you mention the two of you going out for an evening without your son (hoping he would be cared for by GPs). A very reasonable request given they did it for your brother.

Anyway, I would not go on the holiday. It would be a cold day in hell before I would travel anywhere to be treated like that. Be assertive and enjoy a break with your own family away from the vipers. Anything left over can be used to pay for the short time that care is needed for your son. Win, win.

As a pp said, large family holidays only work for some. They are idealistic for the most part, as you all don't live together day to day so it is a different environment. Do your own thing and enjoy.

Is the holiday paid for? Can you cancel without losing out financially? If you can, I would pull out without a second thought. It doesn't sound like it would be much fun for either you, or DS.
Going forward, I would look for alternative after school care for DS. As others have suggested, try neighbours including local teens that you know and trust. £15 for 15 mins work is an excellent rate of pay!
Or would a childminder be able to pick up DS regularly, at the normal school finish time and keep him until you are able to pick him up? Either every day, or just on the three times per month that you will be late?
I am guessing DP is at work, but could he change his timetable to pick his son up three times a month?

So your brother gets a free holiday + free food + free childcare?

I'd cancel. The resentment will only grow and you'll feel miserable not like you're on holiday. Stay at home or book something cheaper just for the three of you.

The holiday sounds like a nightmare. Cancel it and go and have fun somewhere else without them all.

Christ this with farking bells on…they have a hold over you as you are in a powerless position re childcare

Cancel the holiday and ask at the after school club if someone wants to walk him home and stay until 6:20 for £10. They may well jump at it as they probably get £10 ish an hour for the club.

Your family are ridiculous and your parents are being just mean about the childcare. Don't rely on them for anything and you'll feel better (I have a dad who I have had to take this approach with and it has bizarrely improved our relationship as he knows I don't have to take his nonsense).

Let your brother and parents holiday together! This situation is almost unbelievable….yr mother doesn’t talk to yr son! Your freeloading brother controls and dominates how everyone behaves at the holiday accommodation, spends showily without contributing, and yr parents want to be PAID for collecting their grandson! I mean this is just awful. I understand the ties of family are strong, but heck, what are the positives in this situation and you are paying for this neigh on misery!

@Lemonickle

Your family are all treating you like idiots really, aren't they - and they are really manipulative too.

Why oh why did you agree to go back on holiday with them again after the very UN-holiday you had last time? Now it's even worse as you are giving your "golden child" brother and his family a free holiday which you actually can't afford as you are struggling to get the money together. Why would you and your husband do that to yourselves?

As another PP said, cancel this arrangement (ASAP) and book something just for you, your partner and your DC somewhere else.

As far as childcare is concerned, don't be held hostage by your parents. See if you can find a childminder to pick your son up instead. Or see if you can have an arrangement with work where you have a shorter lunch hour or just slightly reduced hours instead. Don't rely on parents who would treat you like this - a bit more independence would be better for you. 🌹

Go on your own holidays.This sounds awful.