SILs Behaviour. U or NU?

[TastyToeBean]

I was at my partner's place, we only get 2 nights a week together (kids, jobs etc) & we'd just settled down in bed after a lovely evening. His phone goes, it's his youngest sibling (40+ yo) sister video calling him & their big brother. He rejected the call but she tried again, so he rejected again. Same happened a 3rd time so he rejected & sent the message 'sorry, sat naked with TasyToeBean watching TV'. The message was read.

Would you, or would you not, after receiving that message, try to video call again?

So as not to drip feed, yes she did fucking call again!

YANBU she's an attention seeking pain in the arse who has no fucking respect.

YABU perfectly normal to call again.

Interpreted as flirting with her own father??

That's almost as weird as your boyfriend telling his sister he's sat there naked.

Strange family.

Flirting with her father or yours?

Hers.

The concensus of maternal family opinion is that step mum is making it up. Others who know the family can easily imagine the behaviour that step mum has taken offence at. I DON'T think that she will have been intentionally flirting, but it's that lack of boundaries, it's uncomfortable to witness.

So you don’t like your sil then. Ok.

There is definitely something not okay in that family.

My heart goes out to SIL actually. Not hard to guess what's happened.

So you're saying she and her father and another brother 'flirt' to the extent it makes his wife uncomfortable, and all of the family accept this and are OK with it?

If you're going to let your kids hang around with those people, then get some counselling.

And yes, the naked joke was creepy. You can't see that?!

Some families are batshit (mine certainly are) but they are still family.

Theres also often reasons people are odd, my family are not medically well between family members with autism, depression, dementia and angsty teens living under 1 roof of course its batshit its a literal 'mad house' of screaming, throwing things, constant arguments etc...

People often ask how I put up with the 'toxicity' of my family and quite simply its because they are my family, a lot of its not their fault and Im not as horrified by it as everyone else. It actually quite horrific to me that so many are willing to turn their back on family so easily.

Maybe they are 'wierd' and maybe YOU dont understand why but they are still his family and if you keep interfering it will likely be you get left behind not them.

No one understands the madness of a shared childhood like a sibling - its a unique bond no one else will ever truely understand or replicate.

Maybe try not being so threatened by her since its ridiculous to be, maybe she does have a 'flirty' personality but its her family for god sake... I highly doubt shes phoning constantly to see her brothers wang or wants to actually sleep with her father.

It seems this family just have different boundries to you and you are trying to isolate him from his family because you dont agree with it (even though he shares their boundries clearly).

Exactly @Coffeetree rather than being annoyed with his sister, I'd be feeling sorry for her.

If my sister called me repeatedly I'd answer. I don't care if it was the middle of the night - id answer.

Texting your sister that you're naked is weirder than her calling you a few times. It's possible to have a video call with someone without seeing their penis.

I’m not sure why she bothers you so much. Personally I think she can ring her brother as often as she likes…what’s it got to do with you? It’s up to him to put her straight or not…why are you rearing up?

She may well be an attention seeker with no boundaries or respect but your partner doesn’t sound much better. Why couldn’t he just message her to say he wasn’t available to video call and would catch up with her tomorrow or whatever? Saying he’s sat naked with you is equally attention seeking and disrespectful.

Maybe. At minimum she is a product of a very strange family and a desperately inappropriate stepmother and her behaviour probably reflects that.

OP, there’s obviously a lot of backstory to this, but the video call in itself sounds more like a mild irritation than some kind of “gotcha” representation of everything that’s irking you.

Your determination that your partner isn’t truly “one of them” does read as hopeful. If he’s enmeshed in this potty dynamite and gives into the manipulations, what’s actually differentiating him from them, and what’s attractive about engaging in a long term tug of war with this family, with your boyfriend as the rope? It all sounds exhausting and ultimately doomed.

You sound controlling and egotistical.

You clearly have different family dynamics/expectations/relationships than your partner.

Rather than try to change him, and subsequently alienate him from his family, just accept you're two different people and call it quits.

Get over yourself and let it go.

If I'd called my sibling and they texted back they were watching TV, I might try calling again because watching TV isn't a sacrosanct appointment that can't be interrupted and I'd assume they'd just accidentally rejected/missed the first call.

The naked part is creepy - because it's completely irrelevant. You can answer a video call with just your head or with your camera off. It's really odd information to give a sibling which is probably why they thought he was joking.

I find it interesting that you obviously believe that watching TV with someone is more important than talking to siblings.

Ford she’s not your sister in law - she is your boyfriends sister.

secondly why are you so angry about his? It seems way over the top? It is up to your boyfriend to manage his relationship with his sister. Why are you getting so emotionally involved?

I really don't see why him talking to a sibling is such a big deal in the first place. Does your DP have to give you his complete and undivided attention for the entire two evenings that you are together?

I agree with others though that there is something 'off' about the family dynamic. I can't help but feel sympathy for SIL for having grown up with it.

I mean, it’s abundantly clear you think she’s shit on your shoe. Fine. That’s your lookout.

The ‘daddy issues’ revelation makes me feel a bit unwell, but giving you the benefit of the doubt that you don’t dislike her so much as to make it up, and coupled with the weird ‘I’m naked’ message your partner sent his sister, plus the fact that she called again and he answered, I’d put the whole sorry lot of them in the bin and move on.

So you have already split up over it and then got back together?

Stop moaning then you already know what they are like, why get back with him?

The step mother sounds jealous of any female getting attention. It sounds like a really dreadful situation.

you sounds jealous and territorial.

I can’t imagine ever having this much rage over a boyfriend talking to his sister.

all very weird.

Re the specific incident, I would have texted back checking she was ok, and saying I will speak to her later. And set boundaries around contact, and sticking to them. However op, I think the likelihood of this working out long term is low if your bf can’t un-enmesh himself from them - they do sound a bit odd..

Wow you really don’t like her do you.

Surely your title should be SIL AND BIL - as they were both there trying to call their sibling.

It’s nothing to do with you how often they speak and the weirdest thing about all of this is your bf saying you were both naked.

I find it hard to believe she fancies her own dad and I can’t help thinking you think she fancies your partner (her brother).

I have someone in my family who sounds a bit like your 'SIL'. She has lack of boundaries including with male family members. It's because she was abused sexually as a child by her father, she doesn't understand boundaries because as a child there weren't any with her. Years and years of therapy has unravelled this.

Now I'm not accusing her father or anything but sometimes there are reasons why people act like this and it's not always their fault.