DP and his smelly friend

[ThatSmellIsntMeHonest]

DP and I have a shared hobby, and we drive an hour each way every Saturday to take part in it. We started dating as lockdown eased and I’d stay with him on weekends when it was allowed and we would travel in together. I never knew about the friend. Once mask rules were relaxed, DP said his friend, Jim, would be coming back to join us for the hobby. Jim drives but doesn’t have a car and lives a fair way away and so he gets the train, DP collects him from the station. Then we drive another 45 minutes- then the same in reverse in the evening. This has always been their arrangement and it only stopped because of Covid (friend refused to wear a mask so couldn’t travel by train).

The first time we collected Jim from the station, Jim went to get in the back, but DP indicated to him to get in the front and Jim asked if he was sure, DP said yes (not mentioned this to me before!) and so he got in the front and I got in the back. I quickly realised that Jim smells. Badly. A mix of body odour, urine and… damp? I’m not sure but it’s really quite horrific. DP claimed he couldn’t smell it at first but would always open a window (even on freezing cold days) as soon as Jim got in the car! DP now admits that Jim is “starting to smell a bit”. The smell is getting worse. It’s so strong I can smell it in the car for days afterwards.

A few times recently when we’ve gone to go out on a Sunday (we now live together), I’ve noticed the smell is still pretty bad in the car. It never occurred to me how it must’ve been in the fabric of the chair, etc. it just smells. Once after a day out I thought I could smell a similar, but not as strong, smell on my own clothes as I put them in the wash, but I decided I must be imagining it. Fast forward to this Sunday and we went to hell a friend move and after a while she asked what the smell was. I wasn’t sure what she meant and she said there was a strange smell. Eventually after sniffing her kitchen cupboards etc she clearly realised it was coming from me and asked if everything was alright. We’re very close and I asked her what it smelt of! She said she wasn’t sure but she was certain I had an… odour. Then it dawned on me. I took her to the car which had been closed in the warmth for a couple of hours by now and when we opened then door she said “that, you smell of that!” I told her everything. I was mortified. We went home and I washed my clothes and then washed them again, and took a long hot shower. I could smell it on my jeans. I don’t think he actually messed the seat (it was dry!) but I think somehow the smell is… seeping into the fabric? I’ve just gone to check the car (we haven’t used it since) and it still smells faintly.

I’m really at a loss of what to do! It’s the front passenger seat so I travel in it several times a week (I don’t drive). I’m wondering how many other people have thought I smell vaguely of BO and urine 🤢 This has been going on for months. My DP doesn’t see a problem and quite honestly would probably think it was funny if he knew what had happened on Sunday (I was too annoyed to tell him and have him laugh and find it funny). All I can think of is I start travelling in the back whenever we go out together (which will look and feel very weird, it’s also not the most comfortable of cars and I have back problems). I’m sure DP will be annoyed at this and say I’m over exaggerating, nagging, being difficult etc (and it would be pretty weird when we are the only ones in the car) but I don’t want to smell of someone else’s pee!

We are due to go out in a couple of hours and I’m dreading sitting in the car. It isn’t just the seat that worries me now, it’s the headrest, the belt. Since my friend said I smelt I’m paranoid and I don’t want to sit in a cinema smelling for 2 hours! I’m fully aware people have much bigger problems than this but what can I do that won’t cause issues with DP but also won’t make me feel uncomfortable whenever we go out in his car?

Bizarre that posters are suggesting OP "show him how the washing machine works" "give him tips on how to clean it" "extra tips about drying clothes" even "buy him washing tablets, deodorant and shower gel".

FFS, he's not 12 and she is not his mother!

I would have been turned off by a boyfriend who treated me so disdainfully as OP has mentioned.
And mortified that the smell is lingering on me that a friend mentions it.

Being a clean freak I wouldn't put up with any of it, sitting in a smelly car or a partner who dismissed my genuine complaints.

Next!!

Your DP needs to sort this out. He has no business expecting you to tolerate this sort of unpleasantness. Its his friend, its disgusting, and its your DPs problem to deal with. Tbh your DP sounds a bit odd too if he doesn't see a problem. But thats up to him i suppose. But if he expects you to put up with it, it says a fair but about how he views you, and none of it good.

You’ve had a couple of threads before, right? Not about this specific problem but about other stuff, maybe relating to getting together with your DP?

I can’t remember any details. I just remember wondering what the hobby was because it played a prominent role in both of the earlier threads I’m recalling

Anyway — like everyone else has said, this is grim but the real problem is how your DP is not handling it.

Is this the first big conflict of points of view since you got together?

In a previous job I had a volunteer who smelt very similar to how you describe. After asking some of the other volunteers who had palled up with him to try to have a word, I had to take things in hand and speak to him directly. It was excruciating, but actually he was fine about it. He started to make more of an effort, and there were times when he did slip, but the urine smell stopped and the dirty clothes smell got much better. There were days when I’d open my office door and think ‘X is in the building’ but a quiet word would mean an improvement which would last for a long while. I was in a position of authority though, and if things hadn’t improved I would have had to ask him not to come back.

One of the problems with X was that he knew he smelt and he didn’t care - he didn’t think it was worth making an effort. I expect no one has dared point it out to him, and someone really needs to. I asked advice from someone who had been in a similar situation and they suggested the phrase ‘personal freshness’. It shouldn’t have to be you though, your DP should be assisting in this.

Ditch your BF. He asked you to sit in the back seat and didnt support you. He is the horrible person

Sorry, I can't get past the bit where he kicked you out of the front seat for his mate 😳

I think the bigger issue is this

"I’m sure DP will be annoyed at this and say I’m over exaggerating, nagging, being difficult etc"

You have a legitimate problem that has been noticed by others (your friend) and you cant speak to your partner as he would turn it round on you and start accusing you of things.

That's not healthy, OP

That's not healthy, OP

It's really not, but I have a feeling that OP will not be returning, because she's decided to put up with her b/f's abysmal disrespect, Stinky Jim or no Stinky Jim.

Thanks for all the replies. I’ll reply to them when I can but some questions so far-

yes I have a car and I’m having lessons. It’s a bit of an old banger really so not the most comfortable and I only use it when someone can take me out for a drive. We could use it as DP is insured on it (I don’t want Jim in my car ever!)

I could get public transport to the hobby. I love it and would miss it a lot but 2 hours each way and such an expense seems a lot when DP is leaving to go to the same place…

I used to live closer to where we go. In fact I moved to be closer to it at one point. Then my housing situation changed and I moved to be with DP, moving further from the hobby but thinking that was fine as it’s a joint hobby, same day etc!

I didn’t say anything when told to sit in the back as I was a bit shocked! I suppose I thought as I hadn’t really even heard of Jim that he was an occasional visit kinda guy, when in fact it’s been almost every weekend for months (and this looks to continue)

and I know it’s a little unbelievable just how bad the smell is but I promise you- it’s awful. Disgusting. I’m not even that bad with bad smells and I’ve dealt with all sorts in jobs I’ve had but it’s fucking vile. I’d like to say it’s just stale clothes and not drying them properly but I know that smell and it is so, so much worse. I definitely get whiffs of urine, general body odour, staleness, and everything in between (never shit though, if we are looking for the positives). I couldn’t even begin to describe how bad it is and it’s definitely getting worse as time goes on.

I’ve realised now the being told to sit in the back is a bigger issue than I’d realised. I need to think about what this means.

DP absolutely won’t speak to him about it. He does now admit that he smells, and that it’s getting worse. He had a mental breakdown years ago it seems and now he doesn’t work. He lives alone, no family since his mum died. DP is his only friend and he only has this hobby and he is part of a walking group but that’s not very often. He has no one else to tell him. And I just think he probably knows and doesn’t care. He barely leaves the house. He is probably depressed. I’m not sure I can be the one to address it with him although I can see the benefits of that for me, for Jim and for everyone else at our hobby who has to smell him!

It isn’t a sport but actually there is a shower available. I just can’t think how to bring up him needing to use it… it wouldn’t solve the issue (one shower per week) but it’s got to help.

I really appreciate all the replies.

That's really sad, op, I can see why your DP is reluctant to address it with him. He does need to though, for Jim's sake.

It's not just the making you move @ThatSmellIsntMeHonest, it's the whole 'DP' that's problematic.

Your relationship doesn't sound healthy at all from the foundation up.

Do you want to spend your life with someone who is only happy with you if you put up, shut up & smile? Would you be happy being told every time you express a differing opinion or state an actual truth that you are being 'difficult, nagging and overreacting'?

Because this ^ is what you are saying you will accept when you put up with this sort of behaviour. It's not ok. You deserve better and there is much, much better out there.

Ewww I just couldn’t cope with that op. I’m no good with bad smells.
I once had the misfortune of working with a guy who absolutely stank. He was the same, pee, body odour, must 🤢. I had to hold my breath for so long when he came near that I always ended up feeling faint! 😁
I don’t know what you can do. I really feel for you.

We do different things at the hobby and barely saw each other. I knew DP existed, and his name. I have never met anyone on his “team” until we started dating. The rest of them are lovely and don’t smell at all btw. Same as he didn’t know any of my friends there particularly, maybe by face. DP’s been there years (20 or more) and I’ve been there almost 7. It just isn’t the sort of place where everyone knows everyone and his team do keep themselves to themselves a bit. I honestly had never seen (or smelt!) him before. I now split my time between what I used to do, and what DP and Jim do. But it’s all part of the same hobby… if that makes sense!

Yep, it has been mentioned by a number of people. Just not to him! I can only assume he knows he smells and doesn’t care, it’s too bad to not notice at all and he mustn’t wash very often at all for it to be so strong.

You’ve just reminded me- last weekend we drove past some homeless people just after we collected him. He started making comments about “how the other half live” and then saying he walked past a homeless person recently in his town and they smelt bad and he was laughing! How the fuck can he smell them if he can’t smell himself?!

I don’t think he can actually be incontinent as there isn’t an obvious wet patch or anything. I honestly don’t know how he can smell so bad. Some of it is definitely urine but maybe it’s just dirty pants and a wee smell from that? God I don’t even think I want to know!

Can you imagine being the poor buggers stuck in an enclosed train carriage with him 🤢

Then my housing situation changed and I moved to be with DP, moving further from the hobby but thinking that was fine as it’s a joint hobby, same day etc!

Thinking back to the time before you moved in - was your partner less inclined to mock you & laugh at your discomfort in those days?

Did you used to speak up, voice your feelings more then, & have now learned not to since cohabiting?

Because it's worrying that you are now adapting yourself & policing your own speech in order to avoid a display of contempt from him -
My DP doesn’t see a problem and quite honestly would probably think it was funny if he knew what had happened on Sunday (I was too annoyed to tell him and have him laugh and find it funny).
... so I wonder if his disrespect has ramped up since you moving in: significant changes like cohabitation, engagement, pregnancy etc can be the precursor to an escalation in unreasonable behaviour from men who have been hiding their ... less reasonable characteristics.

You couldn't tell him about what happened at your pal's on Sunday because you knew he would mock you.
You have far, far bigger problems than Stinky Jim.
So I am wondering what the pattern of behaviour has been, & gently suggest you devote some time to mulling that one over.

I'm not that fond of your boyfriend to be honest. As for the smelly guy, I feel for him but he is his own worst enemy really. I would be looking at moving out and mixing with new people.

@Miscfeminista Nobody needs to shower EVERY single day that's ridiculous! Every other day (except in hot weather or after anything that makes you sweat loads of course) is perfectly acceptable, especially in autumn/winter. This new trend of daily showering is totally unnecessary and in fact my dermatologist has specifically warned me against it! Massively dries your skin out, reduces its natural barrier and has recently been discovered to cause premature ageing!

@Miscfeminista Nobody needs to shower EVERY single day that's ridiculous! Every other day (except in hot weather or after anything that makes you sweat loads of course) is perfectly acceptable, especially in autumn/winter. This new trend of daily showering is totally unnecessary and in fact my dermatologist has specifically warned me against it! Massively dries your skin out, reduces its natural barrier and has recently been discovered to cause premature ageing!

'He started making comments about “how the other half live” and then saying he walked past a homeless person recently in his town and they smelt bad and he was laughing!'

^ regardless of whether he smells or not I would have taken him to task about his disgusting attitude towards those less fortunate.

I would not want to be friends with someone who has such a rotten attitude.

Hi OP, another non-Brit here. With this embarrassment-heavy topic I guess that matters.

I'd want to have a very long conversation with d?p. Why did he deny the stench at first, rather than, say, warn you about it? Is he maintaining the friendship out of kindness, pity, loyalty, due to particular strengths of stinky Jim? Why does he think that letting him go about stinky is preferable to having a difficult conversation, if he is fond enough of SJ to maintain the friendship?

Why be rude to you in a bid to hide the fact of the smell rather than address it? If SJ really is too depressed to wash, why not encourage him to get help? All this pussyfooting just makes no sense. Hope you get some sense out of him.

-Put tarpaulin on back seat tuck it all round
-Tell Jim he sits in the back now or you will be sick in the car
spray some perfume/ air freshener towards back seat-couple squirts
-Wind your window down full and let it blast fresh air through car the whole journey (if you're asked to shut it say 'no sorry I can't or I'll be sick'

One you've dropped Jim off and got home immediately remove tarpaulin out of car to back garden, dettol spray it and hose it off. If you hang it on line it should be dry in a couple hours but certainly for next week.

Tell DP you'll be doing this every week until he no longer gives his smelly Friend a lift or he is a good friend to Jim and tells him to take showers and wash his damn clothes more often as he stinks 😷