Husband wants to go away for a night when our baby is 4 weeks old…

[SnowBall86]

My husband wants to go away to celebrate his nephews 21st birthday for 1 night and take our son who is 5 with him whilst I will stay at home with our 4 week old baby (recovering from c-section). The drive is around 5 hours. I have a couple of problems with it. Firstly, I think tagging our 5 year old along for a 5h drive each way is a bit too far for one night. Then, I know there might be some alcohol involved since it’s a 21st birthday celebration, so I’m not too keen on what our son is going to experience… also, I think that with 4 week old baby I might need all help I can get including looking after me considering that I don’t know how I’m going to feel recovering from c-section. My DH argument is that his nephew is 21 only once and that he’s helping by taking our son with him…. Am I being unreasonable by not feeling too happy about the whole situation?

I've had two emcs - one of them a crash CS involving a haemorrhage and double transfusion- and I would have no qualms in my dh going away overnight after 4wks. I understand you're nervous op and that's because it's an unknown but a month post surgery, you'll almost certainly be up to it.

In fact, having a DH who does 14hr night shifts and who was back on shift when the babies were a week old, I'm pretty confident in saying that you'll manage.

All of the above is with the caveat that of course if you aren't managing or there are unforseen difficulties, then he simply won't go. But that's a given.

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall Again if you used this thing called reading comprehension (which you clearly lack) you would see that post was in response to posters saying op can lie in bed the whole time her DH is gone sleeping and eating pizza and watching Netflix and having a wonderful time. I simply pointed out the assumptions around that and how op may still be in pain, may need to be up and down stairs to make bottles (may not have the money for expensive pre made bottles 🙄) so it may not be as simple as lie in bed.

of course instead of reading the thread you just took the opportunity to get the boot in about how much you did post c section on a thread where a woman is worrying about hers and her recovery🙄

I hope you feel sufficiently superior now having done that…..

I'd have had no problem with this four weeks after my section. I was immensely lucky to marry into a very close and caring in-law family, and someone's 21st would have been an important reason for a family gathering. I'd just have been frustrated that I couldn't go!

But I think that agreeing the trip in principle, with the option of him withdrawing if you have any unexpected physical or PND issues is probably the fairest way to go.

I’d have been completely fine with this.

Is it a suitable occasion for a 5yo and will he have fun? If not, I’d suggest he stays with you as well. It’s only one night.

It wouldn’t bother me

id recovered from my c section and was walking within 4 hours or so. So a month post op I didn’t even know if I’d had an operation

i trust my husband too so that if he felt what my child was seeing is inappropriate then I know he’d take them out.

@ForestFae Hurrah, & Well Met Old Blood!! 🐺
There are a few of us about, somebody popped her head over Buckkeep wall just yesterday funnily enough ...

I don't think Hobb is capable of being off-topic in any situation to be fair 😂
What a prize she & her insight into the human condition is 😍

Wouldn't have a problem with sh going.
If its a family party then great take 5 year old too, if its a piss up in a pub then leave 5 year old at home with you.

Says you who has already said if I wanted to be helpful I could have said that 4 weeks after a csection I would have been fine

Which is exactly what I did say on my first post to the op

And that if there's any problem post Cs he could always cancel

But you carry on, I'm sure going on about all the negatives and having a go at anyone who would have been perfectly fine to have one child for 1 night is helpful to the op

Pity about the partners who have to go to work then.

OP's DH is going for two days/one night. The only difference between that and two normal working days, is that he's not going to be there in the evening and overnight (and morning if he helps then)

OP has to be responsible for the baby alone for about 12 hours (including time asleep) more than she would normally be, assuming that her DH works.

The night is the worst part though - she will have a very disturbed night sleep if she’s doing it alone. Speaking purely from personal experience, DH and I took the night in shifts, which ensured we at least got some sleep that was unbroken. I’d struggle with the broken sleep of having to do a whole night myself, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for OP to not want to do that.

But whether she is capable is not the issue.
What other mothers do is not the issue.
His working routine is not the issue.
I'm with @ForestFae - the issue is respect.

But then I think that too many men view the mothers of their children as convenient wombs who miraculously snap back into their previous body 8 seconds post-partum, & fail to consider the physical & psychological enormity to her of carrying & birthing his child.
I think men should worship at the feet of women who have just given them a baby, not feck off to parties if she prefers them to stay home.

Cue outrage & competitive "my husband was landing Apollo 9 when I was giving birth to triplets, I didn't see him for months, but resumed my role as CEO of a major bank 12 hours after leaving the labour ward" ...

I’m aghast at some of these replies. At 4 weeks, the only place DD slept was on me or DH. DH going out for an evening would mean I lost the 5 hours in 24 when she wasn’t attached to me and my only chance for sleep. Perhaps if OP has one of those babies that manage to sleep in a cot she will be fine, but at this stage how will she know?

i think it also depends on wider context, like how much wider support you have and how much DH is around during the week. When I was horribly sleep deprived with a newborn I was just trying to get through the week for the one day on a weekend when I could get a lie-in or a nap when DH could take the baby for a bit. Him going away for a weekend potentially means a fortnight for OP with no let up.

in those early days when every (sleepless) night feels like it stretches on for ever, a fortnight without a break is a long time.

I’m not saying the DH is totally unreasonable, but should be prepared to make a plan to go and then change it if OP is struggling.

and how op may still be in pain

I don't think it's helpful to OP to keep suggesting she might be in pain 4 weeks after CS. The chances of that are vanishingly small. Some discomfort if you push yourself too hard, maybe, but it's very important to be up and about as soon as you can. Moving around is recommended.

Perhaps if OP has one of those babies that manage to sleep in a cot

You mean like the majority of babies?

You can drive as soon as you can perform an emergency stop

i know people who were driving after 10 days.

m the old information used to be 6 weeks. But it’s changed now

You are about to have a second child with your DH, so surely you trust him enough to know what’s right for your DS and look after him properly, even at an event where alcohol will be available? Also I’m sure you’ll cope fine on your own for 24 hours 4 weeks after a C-section.

What about parents who’s partners are in the military?

who go and not see the child for a months after? Serving their country

are they disrespectful? Do they not deserve to be parents?

sheesh. What a shitty thing to say.

As long as he is willing to be flexible should op or her baby be unwell or the birth and recovery not as anticipated I would tentatively agree to his plan. Ideally have a family member or friend on hand for company and support.

It’s very normal for very young babies to need the closeness of a parent to sleep

Oh for fuck sake. The thread is about a man wanting to go to the party. Clearly I was not saying it’s disrespectful for people in the forces to be on deployment.

Sounds OK to me. Family party. Taking 5yo. You will be fine with baby. A 4wo will be easy now you've raised a 5yo. Nephew's 21 only happens once.

Are they the majority? Among my NCT group there was very little cot sleeping going on in the first few weeks and you see people posting on here all the time, asking for ways to get their baby to sleep in their cot.

You’ve never met a baby in your life have you? FFS

They are in my experience. They’re put in their cot or Moses basket when they’re brought home from hospital and it’s assumed that’s where they sleep. I wouldn’t have had the time or patience to have mine attached to me all the time. No wonder today’s new mothers are broken.