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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Live-in nanny hints

133 replies

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 08:43

Wasn't sure how to title this. I have a good nanny and currently she takes care of my toddler DD when I'm working (father isn't around much and we are currently going through a contentious divorce). So, as far as wages go, she's paid a decent amount and she had her own room/bathroom(given) and I pay for her food (she is welcome to eat anything in the fridge & pantry plus I buy her items she needs) alongside basic toiletries and of course health insurance. I mention the above not to reiterate some kind of 'generosity' on my part but more-so, to give context as to my dilemma.

Recently, she's been dropping hints as to things she needs but can't afford. She doesn't explicitly say she cannot afford them but more-so will say something like: I'd love to replace my contact lens but it's XXX amount of dollars. This will be followed by a sigh and she'll resume whatever she was doing. To be fair, she hasn't done this too often but it's made me uncomfortable. Naturally, I don't want her walking around half-blind but having had experience with a previous nanny who kept asking for more and more, I'm a bit cagey about a slippery slope. Now, I wouldn't have minded if she'd asked me directly and while I could afford it, I'm somewhat hesitant. Am I being unreasonable here? A part of me feels bad like she was waiting for me to offer up paying for her contact lens but another part is wondering why she's asking me? Has anyone faced this and how do you deal with it? Is this the nature of having a nanny? Is there hope out there that I can find a nanny that won't inevitably ask for loans and my buying her things. At risk of sounding redundant, yes I could afford it but there is a part of me that just feels I keep being asked for things or maybe I'm misreading the situation and she was just informing me that the cost was too high.

I know I'm also a bit high-strung these days with my ongoing divorce proceedings.

I know it's a pretty silly problem.

OP posts:
sueelleker · 01/06/2022 08:46

She gets room and board, plus a wage. She should be saving her own money for things you don't provide.

hedgehoglurker · 01/06/2022 08:48

Depends on the undisclosed wage, location, etc. Contact lenses may be considered a basic healthcare item. Not enough info.

Ducksinthebath · 01/06/2022 08:57

Is it that you think you pay her a decent amount or is the going rate actually higher in your area?

Skinnermarink · 01/06/2022 08:58

Are you paying market rate?

it’s not very professional of her no, if she feels underpaid she should ask to sit down with you and address it properly.

i’ve been a live in nanny in London though and I certainly wasn’t short of a big or two during those times!

Skinnermarink · 01/06/2022 09:01

*a Bob or two

neverbeenskiing · 01/06/2022 09:02

Would you lend an employee in any other context money or buy them things? I realise boundaries are blurred because she's living with you but she is still your employee, not a dependent so as long as you're paying her the going rate then you shouldn't feel responsible for providing extras.

WatermelonSugarEye · 01/06/2022 09:03

It's an anonymous forum. How much are you paying her?
If I was paying the going rate or more, I'd just say something like "oh you should always prioritise your sight".

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:06

Just to answer some questions. I'm paying her above the market wage (I would say approximately 15% more). She's definitely not underpaid by any means. Contact lenses aren't part of the health care necessities. I suppose it's not buying her the contact lenses that bothers me but the hinting. The last hint was needing sport shoes (which I did happily get for her). We do live in a more expensive part of the country but like another PP mentioned, we cover all her wages/board/food/healthcare as ordained. Another thing I should mention is I paid for pretty much every express turnaround PCR/vaccination she needed (even though this isn't my responsibility). It's the way she says it that bothers me. For eg, when it came to the PCR, she'd say something like: Oh I don't know how to make this appointment (eh, just call the clinic and make an appointment). If there are any other questions, let me know. It could be that my previous experience is making me a little salty.

I do have to say that I am wondering what she does with her wages. She lives with us and has no bills as it's all covered. Feels like I'm missing something. I could have a sit down with her re her wages feeling insufficient but I cannot afford to pay her more and I'm already paying higher than average!!

OP posts:
Maireas · 01/06/2022 09:06

How much are you paying her, and what are her hours and responsibilities?

Skinnermarink · 01/06/2022 09:08

Are you in America? I feel like this might change things a bit as wages will be different with food and board factored in.

Maireas · 01/06/2022 09:10

You're paying her a good wage, so why are you buying her sports shoes?
She's not your daughter, she's your employee. The wages and health insurance are enough.

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:11

WatermelonSugarEye · 01/06/2022 09:03

It's an anonymous forum. How much are you paying her?
If I was paying the going rate or more, I'd just say something like "oh you should always prioritise your sight".

Fair question. We pay her approx 46,000 pounds yearly. I calculate over-time as needed. Currently my soon-to-be Ex is mainly funding this but it's his child too and until we have her in nursery, I need a nanny as I won't be able to work otherwise.

OP posts:
Skinnermarink · 01/06/2022 09:12

Wtf? For live in? I’m on £43,000 as a live out!

unbelievable.

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:14

Maireas · 01/06/2022 09:10

You're paying her a good wage, so why are you buying her sports shoes?
She's not your daughter, she's your employee. The wages and health insurance are enough.

I don't know. Very good question. There is no real good reason but that I feel bad? Does that make sense. But certainly I can't afford to be doing that anymore!

OP posts:
nannynick · 01/06/2022 09:14

Could you direct her towards money management courses, podcasts, apps? Maybe get her the Total Money Makeover book (Dave Ramsey).

You are covering all living costs, so if they need new shoes they use their money for that. You are not responsible for clothing and footwear.

Are they very young and perhaps used to having parents who paid for everything, and they have not yet adjusted to paying for some things themselves?

Maireas · 01/06/2022 09:14

£46k live in?
That's generous. Don't buy her any more sports shoes, and don't buy her new contact lenses.

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:15

Skinnermarink · 01/06/2022 09:12

Wtf? For live in? I’m on £43,000 as a live out!

unbelievable.

She had a ton of experience and unfortunately it's insanely expensive to have a nanny where we live. Aside from that, soon-to-be ex didn't want me to hire someone unless they were 'top calibre'. Don't get me wrong, I like her a ton and she's a sweet lady but I'm feeling the purse strings now. It's very stressful.

OP posts:
Bonjovispjs · 01/06/2022 09:15

Why are you buying sports shoes for her? She should be buying those herself.

I'm a nanny, although I don't live in anymore and if you're already paying her above the market rate, there's no reason to be buying her stuff, although even If you weren't paying that, it's still a bit weird to buy things for your nanny other than Christmas/birthday presents and food they may like to eat, I think by already buying things for her, you're on a slippery slope and she's trying her luck knowing you've bought things before, you need to nip it in the bud straight away by either ignoring her hints or sitting her down and telling her that she's already on a very decent wage and her comments are inappropriate!

TheFlis12345 · 01/06/2022 09:16

£46k?!? That’s nearly one and a half times the national average salary and she has zero living expenses! She’s taking the absolute piss saying she is hard up.

Whatalovelydaffodil · 01/06/2022 09:16

That isa good salary!

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:16

nannynick · 01/06/2022 09:14

Could you direct her towards money management courses, podcasts, apps? Maybe get her the Total Money Makeover book (Dave Ramsey).

You are covering all living costs, so if they need new shoes they use their money for that. You are not responsible for clothing and footwear.

Are they very young and perhaps used to having parents who paid for everything, and they have not yet adjusted to paying for some things themselves?

She's much older than me and I'm no spring chicken! I think money management course is an excellent idea or letting her know we can go over her finances/budgeting if she requires help with that. I just don't know where the money is going.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/06/2022 09:18

I suppose it's not buying her the contact lenses that bothers me but the hinting. The last hint was needing sport shoes (which I did happily get for her)

It might have been better to avoid that precedent, especially if the high wage means she believes you have money to burn

I'm wondering if there's a cultural aspect here? Some do come to regard the employer as a "provider" of things way beyond the contract, but of course that doesn't mean you can't say no

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:18

Whatalovelydaffodil · 01/06/2022 09:16

That isa good salary!

Thank you!!! I'm feeling more validated now. I barely earn more than she does haha! However the situation is a bit tricky as ex-to-be mainly handles the cost but I pay for all the food etc.

OP posts:
Skinnermarink · 01/06/2022 09:18

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:15

She had a ton of experience and unfortunately it's insanely expensive to have a nanny where we live. Aside from that, soon-to-be ex didn't want me to hire someone unless they were 'top calibre'. Don't get me wrong, I like her a ton and she's a sweet lady but I'm feeling the purse strings now. It's very stressful.

She’s not that top dollar if she’s taking the piss out of you like this, is she? Where the hell do you live? That’s well above market rate where I work unless the hours are insane and that’s Holland Park.

no nanny of calibre is going round with any please buy me sports shoes requests, believe me.

Meraas · 01/06/2022 09:18

The last hint was needing sport shoes (which I did happily get for her).

She is a CF and you should have never got her the shoes.

She sees you as a cash cow.

She gets a VERY good wage and room and board.

Does she see you as her surrogate mum or something?!

I

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