Live-in nanny hints

[AdifferentGoat]

Wasn't sure how to title this. I have a good nanny and currently she takes care of my toddler DD when I'm working (father isn't around much and we are currently going through a contentious divorce). So, as far as wages go, she's paid a decent amount and she had her own room/bathroom(given) and I pay for her food (she is welcome to eat anything in the fridge & pantry plus I buy her items she needs) alongside basic toiletries and of course health insurance. I mention the above not to reiterate some kind of 'generosity' on my part but more-so, to give context as to my dilemma.

Recently, she's been dropping hints as to things she needs but can't afford. She doesn't explicitly say she cannot afford them but more-so will say something like: I'd love to replace my contact lens but it's XXX amount of dollars. This will be followed by a sigh and she'll resume whatever she was doing. To be fair, she hasn't done this too often but it's made me uncomfortable. Naturally, I don't want her walking around half-blind but having had experience with a previous nanny who kept asking for more and more, I'm a bit cagey about a slippery slope. Now, I wouldn't have minded if she'd asked me directly and while I could afford it, I'm somewhat hesitant. Am I being unreasonable here? A part of me feels bad like she was waiting for me to offer up paying for her contact lens but another part is wondering why she's asking me? Has anyone faced this and how do you deal with it? Is this the nature of having a nanny? Is there hope out there that I can find a nanny that won't inevitably ask for loans and my buying her things. At risk of sounding redundant, yes I could afford it but there is a part of me that just feels I keep being asked for things or maybe I'm misreading the situation and she was just informing me that the cost was too high.

I know I'm also a bit high-strung these days with my ongoing divorce proceedings.

I know it's a pretty silly problem.

The sighing is manipulative and you should never give in to manipulation because it encourages more. This behaviour is a cue to tighten your boundaries, you are her aunt not a benevolent aunt.

Not unreasonable for you to refuse to pay for them. You’re paying her a good wage, providing food and lodgings. If she needs new contact lenses then she needs to pay for them

As someone said earlier, you need to manage her. Be very clear (though kind) about your expectations. If you want her to make lunch, then ask her to. If you don't want nuggets, ask her to make something else. You don't need to get emotional or cross, just be straightforward and assertive. This is a skill that needs practising but it will come in extremely handy in life (and work).
I sit down with my team members once a week for half an hour and give them feedback /ask them how everything is going/offer support. It really helps
Best of luck!

Honestly? She sounds useless. This is from the perspective of a former nanny! She sounds like she's just coasting and can't really be bothered to do a proper job. I would probably make do for the time being (although have a word with her about activities etc, could you get her to do a meal plan & schedule for the week to avoid her asking what to cook etc?) and then find someone better for after nursery starts.

With regards to the food, in one job I used to do the food shopping and cook dinner for the whole family - it's not really a normal part of the role but the adults were happy to eat the same as the kids and it wasn't any extra work for me to make extra portions! Always healthy balanced meals cooked from scratch. My sister also did the same for one of her families, if she cooked lasagne or something she'd do enough for the parents to have some too, they really appreciated it especially as they worked long hours.

I recommend treating these comments as if it's just conversation. "Oh dear, it is hard to budget" " the first time I took a bus, it was hard too but now it's second nature"

My guess?

If she's a lot older... She's putting all of her salary aside...(funding her retirement /future holidays?).
And on 46k this will be substantial, if you're in the UK

Absolutely. I promise I have never said anything to her with emotion or been cross. We have a warm relationship. It's just that it gets frustrating that no matter how many times I show her something, she will revert to the nuggets. I'm not against nuggets per say but isn't it part of being a nanny to be on top of meals for DD. It's exhausting that the second I get home, and as soon as DD wakes, that's when she walks out and asks what's for lunch even though DD is just a toddler and giving her pasta three days in a row unless I specify otherwise is what she does.

I have now batch cooked food for DD. She just doesn't show any initiative. I can't continously manage her (and I don't want to) as with her expertise, I suppose I assumed she'd be a guiding hand. Not sure if that makes me unreasonable.

I think money management course is an excellent idea or letting her know we can go over her finances/budgeting if she requires help with that. I just don't know where the money is going.

This is also just not your problem. Don’t get drawn in, because inevitably it’ll transpire that she needs £x more to live comfortably (somehow, magically) and then she’ll resent you not offering.

Either “Hmm, yes, it’s a shame contact lenses aren’t on the NHS for us” or whatever, or a frank conversation saying that lately you can see there’s a lack of clarity about who is financially responsible for what, so to lay it out plainly (or reiterate whatever is in the contract?) you pay for food, this, that, whatever- and that’s it.

Thank you so much. This is so reassuring to read. I generally take care of myself and begrudgingly the food for my ex to be (have to maintain cordial relations for now). Often when I cook, she also partakes. I do all the shopping aside from small items we are missing. She said she is big on healthy food and how complicated can toddler food be? I eat toddler food too haha. Usually eggs for breakfast or oats. Snacks is just yogurt and some fruits. Lunch something basic and dinner whatever we are eating. But even so, she can't seem to plan anything. Her go to is chicken nuggets (because dd won't eat anything else) but somehow Dd does eat the stuff I made (not all the time but usually at min a forkful). Part of her role was exposing DD to various foods but instead she just defaults to chicken nuggets and says DD won't eat anything else. So what am i supposed to say? I'm making do for now but come nursery, I may reconsider.

This.
She's doing it because you let her.
For overnights you ask her to take the baby monitor. For DDs meals you point her to an approved recipe book and she picks something. You ignore whinging about laundry and contact lenses and you never buy her anything again.

She thinks she has you over a barrel because you're getting divorced. I'd be researching alternative options asap.

You guessed right. I know she has a mortgage. She said this in the interview but I assumed that's normal as most people do have mortgages. So just to give you an example of something else that grates my nerves. I was making some baked goods for DD's snacks and she changed the setting on the oven and they came out burnt! I told her that it would burn on that setting but she was adamant they wouldn't so I let it go assuming maybe she knows something I don't...well nope. And another instance, I made DD some muffins and told her to give some of those muffins to DD the next day and some for her playdate friend. She didn't. I came home and they were standing on counter stale. I asked why she wouldn't give it to DD but she said DD didn't like them...oddly DD had wolfed them down the day prior.

I’ve only ever been a live out nanny so slightly different but I have stayed with my work families from time to time

I would get the (4) children up, organise their breakfast and dress the younger ones while the older ones did themselves. They’d all do their teeth and I’d do their hair

the morning would be spent outside (weather permitting) or inside doing crafts/baking etc

id do luck for the children and myself and then the little ones would have a nap after lunch if needed. The older ones could watch 20 minutes of tv giving me time to sort out some laundry

after naps it was back out side somewhere or an activity I’d arranged. Then I’d make supper for the children, empty all of the bins and dishwasher (so the parents had a tidy kitchen) and then get all four children bathed and into bed. I’d read to the younger ones and the older ones would read to themselves.

if I was staying over, I’d have the baby monitor too (and got paid a small overnight fee)

I don’t give in to hints…..I expect people to ask or tell me if they need something. I suggest you do the same.

You are paying £46,000 a year plus free rent and food to someone who is giving your child chicken nuggets every day and sighs every time she needs to spend any money, hinting that you should give it to her? You must be crazy! I would get rid of this woman in a flash.

Thank you. I'll look into something new once DD starts nursery. For now, I'll keep her on as I do know I can trust DD with her while I'm at work. Personality wise, I have nothing bad to say at all about her (her demeanour) but work-wise, it feels like I have asked a nice elderly neighbour to watch my child! One thing I do feel guilty about (since I have already said so much, why not throw this in), is if I let her go, will she find it hard to find other jobs since she's near-ish to retirement age. Yes I know it's not my problem but since I do really like her warm nature so much and I do care about her, I feel a bit bad for her.

Ultimately DD is my main focus and I will do what I must but it's a little niggle. I'm going to give her one more chance as DD starts nursery and see if she whips herself into shape but if not, I'll be forced to let her go in time.

You are absolutely right! I can't dispute anything you have said including the crazy bit haha. I suppose part of why I am hesitant is, I have so much going on with divorce and work and if I let her go without a back up, I'm screwed. Also a new person would involve more training and what if I end up in the same situation. Nursery should really help. Nursery was delayed due to my ex to be stomping around and finding issues with everything but we have finally settled on a place.

I still can't believe you're putting up with this crap while paying a small fortune for the honour! A nannies role is to deal with all childcare related things, cooking,/washing for the child etc! Although in my job I also do the parents washing, it's not in my job description but I did it to be nice as they have such busy jobs and it doesn't take much more effort to chuck an extra load on, I also cook from scratch every day, although I have more time now the kids are at school(been in this job over 5 years) and I make enough for the parents too if they want it, things like lasagne, chicken korma, shepherd's pie, macaroni cheese etc and loads of other things, the parents help themselves if they want it, if not it goes in the freezer for another day. Oh and they do have chicken nuggets occasionally, but I make them from scratch too!

So she's basically taking you for a ride, not even doing the bare minimum half the time by the sound of it, I agree with a previous poster, she sounds useless!

I would recommend booking in a review meeting with her. Make sure you give her some notice in advance. Explain the purpose is it check in on how things are going from both her side and yours, and discuss any feedback or suggestions for how you work together.

Take the opportunity to give her some feedback on what you think is working well for you. Then set out your expectations on what she should be doing. Ask questions to help you understand why she's not doing certain things, e.g. making lunch for your child. Explain you have notice she doesn't do this sometimes but it's your expectation that she make all meals for your DD during her working hours and you expect any specific instructions regarding food to be followed.

Try to frame the meeting positively but make sure you spell out exactly what you expect her to be doing. If you need to then put it in writing, e.g. a daily or weekly schedule. That way of she's not doing these tasks you can refer back to it together and you can point out what she isn't doing.

Four children? I'm really impressed. So, our nanny doesn't get DD up. She waits for DD to get up and even so, she waits for me to bring her to the kitchen. Only then does she emerge and potter around making BK while DD hangs on my knees. I don't do any dramatic goodbye speeches with DD. Part of why I justified this is DD sometimes wakes at 6 am (some unfortunate days 530 am) so I gave nanny leeway but even on the blessed days she's up at 7 am, nanny still stays in bedroom until I bring DD out to kitchen!

She doesn't do any crafts. She'll take her to the park or a playdate occasionally. But nothing at the home. No sticker play or anything. NOTHING. No reading either. She told me her eye sight is poor. Since I'm very hands on when I'm home, I figured I'll do this with DD. Okay, I don't need her to read to my child but art&crafts ie crack some spagetti or I don't know, play with pots and pans, it can't be so hard right? My priority was keeping DD safe but now I'm wondering what I'm paying for? I'll have a direct sit down with her once DD starts nursery and tell her, I need her to do X and Y and Z on this and that date.

I just didn't think I'd have to tell her what to do all the time. I hired her assuming she'd come with a plethora of knowledge I too could learn from as a first time mum. That's why the salary is higher than normal because it was understood she would take the lead once a routine was settled but instead it feels like I have a elderly au pair in the home that I'm paying a ton of money for.

One question, if DD does get up earlier like say 530 am, should nanny take charge or do I wait till 6 am? This is something that is niggling at me. I never ask for help prior to 6 am but sometimes after a very rough night with DD (teething and so forth) and with me having to ready for work, it would be appreciated. She rarely works late and has plenty of down time during day and even when she's with DD, it's not labour intensive, more so, they sit around and go to the park. Is this exhausting? I figured while I'm on this board and venting away, I might as well ask this;-)

What does the nanny’s contract say about working hours and duties?

Between 10 to 12 hours flexi alongside one overnight. However, we also have a clause stating some days may require no more than several hours and some days more hours but alongside that, she can take a longer break the next day. Duties are childcare and meal planning alongside light housekeeping (professional nanny housekeeper role). At her price point, this seemed fair. However, we did emphasize that when she's with DD, taking her of her is paramount. To give you some context, some days, she works five-six hours and the rest is her time unless I need something urgently. Usually it's never more than 10 hours. But even so, there is a two hour break (on average). I like to spend an hour in evening answering e-mails (extra work calls if needed) but each time, I have to ask her if she can bathe DD and put her to bed. If I'm not home, she will do it but if I'm home, she stands around and waits. It just makes me feel awkward. I know the awkward feeling is on me. I also didn't realise I had to be explicit with each and every thing she does. A learning experience I suppose.

I manage to cook/bake while DD is playing or toddler walking around. DD is great with independent play. It doesn't take me more than 30 minutes to whip up a meal for DD and usually whatever I make, I'll eat too and she's welcome to have. It's just annoying that she will wait for DD to wake and then make lunch. I told her to batch cook, that way she doesn't have to 'think' about meals. All she needs to do is toss the meal into the microwave and chop a few veges/fruits. She'll do this one week and next week, it's as though the conversation never happened. Also, I won't lie about this but sometimes I just need a little time to myself but unless I'm shuttled in my bedroom, she won't do anything to entertain DD. I try hard to not 'infringe' on her space when she's with DD and tell her to take her to DD's bedroom and play there. I honestly do not think there has ever been an occasion where I have watched tv in the living room during the day ie she won't take charge of DD and steer her to her playroom/bedroom. I'm not asking for hours at a time, just even thirty minutes to an hour here and there. I know I'm prattling on but this thread has been illuminating for me.

It sounds she is acting like a house guest helping out with a little childcare here and there.

This is on you because it sounds like when you are there instead of telling her to get on with her job, you just do it for her. And buy her extras on top!!

I feel this has gone too far to salvage. Get rid, find a new nanny. Give them clear instructions about what they are expected to do and let them do it.

You are right. I'll have one more chat with her when DD starts nursery ie lay out expectations again. I didn't want to be a stickler for rules and assumed as long as naps etc were adhered to, she would just 'bring her experience' to the table. If things do not improve, it's back to the drawing board for me. It'll be easier to hire someone new once she is in nursery. I think like many other posters mentioned, I'll go for an au pair this time around. I don't mind training and so forth but at least this time I won't be trying to train someone who apparently is an expert in their field.

She sounds rather unimpressive. It's hard to tell if she's a pisstaker or just lacking in initiative and imagination. Although the glowing references suggest the former - she feels like she has a cushy deal with you and she's milking it as much as she can. I think you need to have a performance review with her, spell out what parts of her duties she does well and what she falls short on and how she needs to improve. You can use the opportunity to clarify what expenses are covered in the role and what she needs to fund for herself.

If she doesn't improve because she either can't or won't then you'll have to make a decision on replacing her or if you can get your daughter into nursery and if you can then manage without a nanny.

it is possible that she was once much better at nannying but for some reason her performance has dropped. This happened with our part time (live out) nanny who worked for us for over 14 years. For the first few years she was fantastic, very high standards, lots of extra value stuff (she started teaching eldest to play piano etc.) I felt so lucky to have found her as my career - which went from strength to strength - would have been a considerably pared down version without her. My kids were in nursery but the arrangement was that she'd pick them up mid afternoon 2-3 times a week, take them home so they could chill out, she'd do homework with them, make dinner, play, do bathroom and get them into pjs. On those days I was able to work later/catch up and come home for cuddles and stories - everything else was done. She was wonderful. I did pay her well and gave Christmas bonuses and pay rises whenever i got one. If she was Ollie took holiday or her car broke down and she couldn't work, I still paid her.

Over the years though she got gradually lazier and sloppier. I did give quite a lot of leeway because she had personal problems which were very challenging. Her second child was diagnosed with autism, then she had a surprise third baby, a few years after that she then left her husband, was housed by council, then landlord sold up, went back to husband (who'd lost the former family home and was living in a caravan) so we are taking very challenging stuff. She was desperate to keep the job as she really needed the money ... But she just didn't seem much good at it any more. She kept dropping things from her role without discussion i.e. She stopped doing baths and put toddler to bed grubby. One of the days she was supposed to drop eldest at Cubs but he told me rather than taking him to the door she'd drop him at the park entrance and he'd have to walk there alone (in winter months it was dark).

She would make dinner at our house for her, her two younger children, and my youngest then just started to leave all the plates, pans etc dirty and dumped all over the kitchen for me to deal with. I d ask her to at least put the crockery and cutlery in the dishwasher but she'd giggle and say she "forgot". One of her kids seemed to have permanent loose bowels and if arrive home to find at least one of the toilets splattered and needing to be cleaned. It started to feel like she made life harder not easier. I did think "at least she takes good care of little one". But then my eldest - by then a teen- told me that she just sat in the kids tv room in her phone and ignored my little one and her own. Then our builder/decorator asked if I could have a word about keeping the kids downstairs while he was painting upstairs as they kept rampaging around, knocking into wet paint etc. I did but not much changed. I started to think I could manage without her and pay eldest some babysitting money instead but when I stated to discuss it she got very upset about how she'd manage.

Then covid/lockdown hit which kind of solved the problem! We now both work from home alternative days permanently. I paid her in full for six months then let her go, very politely, and sighed with relief. The kids sort of missed her but in a wistful way remembering the early days when she was a fab nanny.

Sorry what an essay! What I mean to say is if it's not working fur you and you can't get her to improve, you need to look at the alternatives.