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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Live-in nanny hints

133 replies

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 08:43

Wasn't sure how to title this. I have a good nanny and currently she takes care of my toddler DD when I'm working (father isn't around much and we are currently going through a contentious divorce). So, as far as wages go, she's paid a decent amount and she had her own room/bathroom(given) and I pay for her food (she is welcome to eat anything in the fridge & pantry plus I buy her items she needs) alongside basic toiletries and of course health insurance. I mention the above not to reiterate some kind of 'generosity' on my part but more-so, to give context as to my dilemma.

Recently, she's been dropping hints as to things she needs but can't afford. She doesn't explicitly say she cannot afford them but more-so will say something like: I'd love to replace my contact lens but it's XXX amount of dollars. This will be followed by a sigh and she'll resume whatever she was doing. To be fair, she hasn't done this too often but it's made me uncomfortable. Naturally, I don't want her walking around half-blind but having had experience with a previous nanny who kept asking for more and more, I'm a bit cagey about a slippery slope. Now, I wouldn't have minded if she'd asked me directly and while I could afford it, I'm somewhat hesitant. Am I being unreasonable here? A part of me feels bad like she was waiting for me to offer up paying for her contact lens but another part is wondering why she's asking me? Has anyone faced this and how do you deal with it? Is this the nature of having a nanny? Is there hope out there that I can find a nanny that won't inevitably ask for loans and my buying her things. At risk of sounding redundant, yes I could afford it but there is a part of me that just feels I keep being asked for things or maybe I'm misreading the situation and she was just informing me that the cost was too high.

I know I'm also a bit high-strung these days with my ongoing divorce proceedings.

I know it's a pretty silly problem.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 01/06/2022 09:19

Don’t buy her anything. You pay her a wage and she needs to budget.

I think you need to come up with a few standard responses to her comments and repeat each time. Then you don’t need to think about it.

Things like “I’m sure you’ll work it into your budget”.

Meraas · 01/06/2022 09:19

However the situation is a bit tricky as ex-to-be mainly handles the cost but I pay for all the food etc.

Does she know this? She could be (ridiculously) entitled because she thinks you're not paying her.

Haus1234 · 01/06/2022 09:19

Gosh well I am not and don’t have a nanny but I’ve earned £46k as a qualified professional paying my own London rent and I of course bought my own sports shoes and contact lenses too! She’s really taking the p I would say OP.

summerlovinvibes · 01/06/2022 09:22

Blimey! Can I come and work for you with that package?! 😂 I wouldn't be buying her extra things, even though you live in an expensive area , it shouldn't make things like trainers / contact lenses / PCR tests much more than any other part of the country. The expense will be housing costs etc so I think 46k without having to it rent / food is bloody amazing!

Sally872 · 01/06/2022 09:22

I might offer an advance on her wages but definitely not offer to buy them. As you say she doesn't have many expenses.

Mamai90 · 01/06/2022 09:23

That's more than our household income and we can more than afford sports shoes and contact lenses on top of all our bills. She's taking the absolute piss. Surely you should realise that someone living on 46 grand a year with no bills can afford their own stuff?

withsexypantsandasausagedog · 01/06/2022 09:27

Wow. She is taking the piss. Next time she hints I would say something like oh yes really could do with some new xxx but it is going to be a while before I ca get myself them with my current expenses!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/06/2022 09:27

She could be (ridiculously) entitled because she thinks you're not paying her

Possibly, yes - but if she's developing an entitlement mentality I'd worry that the "sweet lady" thing could slip if they don't cough up

I'm not saying this will happen of course, but it's something to keep an eye on

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:30

I think what's happening here is she sees what my soon-to-be ex has. We don't live in an outlandish home nor are we insane spenders but he has a tendency to talk about money A LOT. He brings his deals 'home' and is often heard hollering about 'deals' that are X amount of money. See, it's not like those 'deals' are coming home to us hah but could she be thinking that there is just so much money floating around that contact lenses are but a prick in the sea? I'm private when it comes to financial matters but it's hard to remain private when your partner walks around bellowing about numbers and/or potential numbers. She's costing us A LOT but it was something we budgeted for and it was his insistence on a 'top calibre' that had me short-list and she seemed the nicest. That coupled with my urgent need to get back to work and no nursery at the time.

Thank you everyone. I feel more well-informed now.

OP posts:
AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:33

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/06/2022 09:27

She could be (ridiculously) entitled because she thinks you're not paying her

Possibly, yes - but if she's developing an entitlement mentality I'd worry that the "sweet lady" thing could slip if they don't cough up

I'm not saying this will happen of course, but it's something to keep an eye on

This is it. She didn't start of this way (I think I may have mentioned in a previous post). But the last month or so, well, there has been a shift. Further, if she's so 'top caliber', surely she knows discretion. Her previous employer makes us seem like paupers (from the stories I have heard). Ah, am I just a pushover?? I'm seriously working on this.

OP posts:
AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:34

In my soon-to-be ex's defense, he did mention she was getting more entitled. I took this with a grain of salt as was annoyed at him for talking about money to begin with. But in retrospect, he may have been right.

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 01/06/2022 09:34

There’s no way she can’t afford contact lenses on that salary with no living expenses?!

She’s taking you for a mug and is a CF of the highest order.

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:36

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/06/2022 09:27

She could be (ridiculously) entitled because she thinks you're not paying her

Possibly, yes - but if she's developing an entitlement mentality I'd worry that the "sweet lady" thing could slip if they don't cough up

I'm not saying this will happen of course, but it's something to keep an eye on

The more I think about it, the more I think you may be right. Ultimately, when DD starts nursery, her hours will be cut and overtime, no reason for a live-in. But for now, it's needed. But you are giving great advice as the 'sweet elderly lady' face might slip.

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/06/2022 09:38

My ex used to ask his boss to pay for things but like e.g. his expensive health club membership, because he knew he could afford it, but also his own (ex's) bills had gone up. He'd also worked for him for 6 years. Ex also had a bit of dirt on him (mostly that he had a mistress) but I don't think the boss minded about that!

Personally I think that is cheeky but if you don't ask you don't get.

AdifferentGoat · 01/06/2022 09:39

RenegadeMatron · 01/06/2022 09:34

There’s no way she can’t afford contact lenses on that salary with no living expenses?!

She’s taking you for a mug and is a CF of the highest order.

I earn just a tad over her and I'm paying bills, contributing to household in a substantial way, paying off my own car, a loan and not to mention incidentals. Even though ex earns far more than I do and I have to be seriously frugal, I'm still able to get by on life albeit not as freely as before but still shockingly getting by. I need to give my head a good wobble and stop this mentality of mine.

OP posts:
Emmelina · 01/06/2022 09:40

£46,000 with no outgoings is a lot of play money. She can afford her own lenses.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/06/2022 09:41

So i'm guessing your nanny is approx 40's, it sounds like she's also a bit entitled (from a certain background)?

I've known/worked with women like this and it's basically how they behave because they think they're entitled to do it/to what they ask for.

You just have to shut her down and say no every time.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/06/2022 09:41

if she's so 'top caliber', surely she knows discretion

You'd hope so, yes, and while it may not be the best idea for your ex to carry on quite so much about his deals in front of her, that shouldnn't create an expectation that some of it will come her way ... providing you're paying her decently of course, and it seems you are

As said, it's very much something I'd want to keep an eye on

StickyFingeredWeeNed · 01/06/2022 09:41

Fuck me. I’m on waaaay less than that and I’ve got to pay for new glasses this week £500 - guess what? I can afford it.

unless her tax rate is 98% I have no fucking idea what she’s up to.

i don’t use contacts myself - but aren’t they like £30/month on subscription or something like that?

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 09:42

Just to answer some questions. I'm paying her above the market wage (I would say approximately 15% more). She's definitely not underpaid by any means.

Then she’s a CF!

Do not buy her anything as she sounds the type to just keep asking for more.

I wonder if she thinks now the ex has gone you’ll be more of a push over.

If she says about her contact lenses I’d say about looking for somewhere that does a payment plan.
If she says about them again I’d ‘jokingly’ say that she must be able to afford them as she has a decent wage and no rent to pay - say it nicely but firmly as she needs to know you’re not a mug.

Flatandhappy · 01/06/2022 09:52

You know she has been cheeky and will continue to be if you let her, buying the shoes was a mistake. I would ignore the sighs and I can’t afford comments completely, preferably leaving the room as soon as she starts, and if you can’t do so give vague hmmmm, really, distracted responses. Unless you are living somewhere like Africa where it seems to be the norm to expect an employer to pretty much take responsibility for your entire family people buy what they need/can afford from what they earn and save for things they can’t afford.

komoreb1 · 01/06/2022 09:54

I think she's taking advantage of you OP. You sound like a very caring person. I feel angry on your behalf as you have enough going on with a complex divorce. How dare she be asking you to buy her trainers and contact lenses in these circumstances!

Maybe she sees her days in this cushy job are coming to an end when your DD starts nursery and she's decided she's going to push the boundaries a bit while she still can?

Don't second guess yourself. Next time she mentions not being able to afford something in a way that is aimed at you, just ignore. She'll soon get the message.

You have a child and you need to look after yourself at this difficult time. This woman is an adult on £46,000 with no rent / mortgage and you even buy her food. How dare she be trying to take advantage of your better nature when you're in the midst of a divorce! Some people have no shame frankly.

Hope it all works out for you and please don't worry about this nanny at all.

Viviennemary · 01/06/2022 09:54

I think if you are paying her the going rate she is really cheeky dropping hints about money. She should be up front and ask for a rise if she feels she deserves one. Don't give her any more presents. In fact a sit down talking to saying you think her salary and conditions are very good might be an idea. And all this askng for extras is embarrassing and has to stop.

nannynick · 01/06/2022 09:55

Maybe she has a mortgage, maybe she is paying solicitor fees from a divorce, maybe she has lots of consumer debt. There are many possibilities but they are not your concern. You have agreed to pay her for the job she is doing and even if you are central London based the salary looks good to me.

Just say no. It may open up a conversation about money troubles, if it does then you can direct her to sources of help. Books, Podcasts, Debt Charities.

MissMaple82 · 01/06/2022 09:59

She earns a wage, she can pay for her own lenses! If you give in now, she will constantly be dropping these hints. I think you are doing more than enough