Live-in nanny hints

[AdifferentGoat]

Wasn't sure how to title this. I have a good nanny and currently she takes care of my toddler DD when I'm working (father isn't around much and we are currently going through a contentious divorce). So, as far as wages go, she's paid a decent amount and she had her own room/bathroom(given) and I pay for her food (she is welcome to eat anything in the fridge & pantry plus I buy her items she needs) alongside basic toiletries and of course health insurance. I mention the above not to reiterate some kind of 'generosity' on my part but more-so, to give context as to my dilemma.

Recently, she's been dropping hints as to things she needs but can't afford. She doesn't explicitly say she cannot afford them but more-so will say something like: I'd love to replace my contact lens but it's XXX amount of dollars. This will be followed by a sigh and she'll resume whatever she was doing. To be fair, she hasn't done this too often but it's made me uncomfortable. Naturally, I don't want her walking around half-blind but having had experience with a previous nanny who kept asking for more and more, I'm a bit cagey about a slippery slope. Now, I wouldn't have minded if she'd asked me directly and while I could afford it, I'm somewhat hesitant. Am I being unreasonable here? A part of me feels bad like she was waiting for me to offer up paying for her contact lens but another part is wondering why she's asking me? Has anyone faced this and how do you deal with it? Is this the nature of having a nanny? Is there hope out there that I can find a nanny that won't inevitably ask for loans and my buying her things. At risk of sounding redundant, yes I could afford it but there is a part of me that just feels I keep being asked for things or maybe I'm misreading the situation and she was just informing me that the cost was too high.

I know I'm also a bit high-strung these days with my ongoing divorce proceedings.

I know it's a pretty silly problem.

I was expecting you to say a very low wage. 43k with nearly zero living expenses is incredible money. Is she funding dependents, sending money to another country, anything like that? If not, I don’t understand what she’s doing with it. She could be buying semi-regular designer clothes, a couple of fancy holidays and having some to put in savings if she wanted to.

Thank you so very much. Interestingly your post brought up something she said. I had let her know DD would be starting nursery at a staggered pace but once she settles in, I'd be moving her full-time and would drop her off in the mornings and pick her up once I'm done work. She then did say that there was no need to put DD in nursery full time and several days a week was sufficient. I did NOT think anything of it at that time but now in retrospect...

Other things include sighing over laundry. Ex to be was wracking the keyboard and she entered his study randomly talking about how hefty the laundry was. Bear in mind this is just DD's laundry. A few onesies can't be so arduous! This is also part of the job description. I'm not a messy person by any standard and always clean up after myself. In fairness, she will do dishes as well but when I cook, I cook for us all. Sometimes she will cook too but nothing elaborate. I just need her to focus on DD and her needs with light housekeeping. What I did notice though was she'd change DD every single day even if the outfit was clean so I suppose that is why laundry keeps piling up. I'll often send ex to be clothes to dry cleaning (we still live together), imagine my surprise when I saw DD's bedsheets nicely dry cleaned!

She started off so strong.

Just FYI, she is paying off a house mortgage but like another poster said, that's not my problem. I have enough on my plate! I budget like a mad-woman and it's not easy when I want to blow it all on boxed wine (sadly days of vintage far behind me!!) as to get past this horrible divorce!

I would really hate that. She's obviously trying to push our luck and the hinting is extremely manipulative.

Every time she hints I would I ask her if she needs any help making a spreadsheet for budgeting her finances.

Yes. She has a mortgage. I suppose that is where it's going. But like you said, it is not my issue. I feel more confident now so thank you. I really just needed to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable here.

Jesus i nearly fell off my chair when you said 46k, is that pounds sterling ? Can I be your nanny? I'll do it for £45k and buy my own contacts and trainers.

😂 I definitely thought you were going to say you were in Dubai and that you let her use your water AND sleep on the kitchen floor !

What??? £46000? My daughter is a qualified teacher on a bit less than that. She is sole provider as dad is a sahd to avoid childcare costs. She pays the mortgage, runs a car, keeps food on the table and all that her children need. So far she hasn't rocked up at work and hinted/asked her employer to pay for her sports shoes or contact lenses. 🤣🤣🤣🤣. You are paying her a professional nanny's salary, quite rightly as she sounds well qualified. It's time for her to act like the professional she is and stop hinting for extras which might be stretched to if she was a poorly paid Au Paire on pocket money wages.
If you are looking to change send for me, a very reliable retired teacher fun granny. I promise that if you pay me even half of that I won't ask you for trainers, contact lens or anything else. 😱😁😱😁

Are you a "high caliber" nanny that sighs over baby onesies? Do you send baby sheets to the dry cleaners to be pressed? Do you hold your back in pain as you chronicle the trials the bed mattress poses?? Are you able to groan while trying to figure out how you are going to "transport" yourself to a bus station so you can visit your niece even though you have lived in this country far longer than I have and there is an excellent transportation system in this place that can take you anywhere! If no, sorry. You fall short of my standards...

I need to take a course on how to not be an idiot

I'm afraid to ask her this. She may say she can't see a spreadsheet now that I'm effectively forcing her to work half-blind 😀

I will bring it up though as it seems rather insane that she polishes through her wages. Maybe she's bad with money or loses track?

I think the problem is you've set a precedent. In buying her the shoes, you've told her through your behaviour that if she wants something and hints at it, you may buy it for her. Stop being so generous and she will likely stop the hinting.

I was just thinking I couldn’t imagine walking around work moaning about my roles that are in my job description and how I can’t afford contact lenses in ear shot of my boss.

Then I realised I have one of these at my work!
Constantly moans about every little thing.
She asked us recently if she could do lunch duty every day (school) as she needs the extra money and then complained about not being able to sit and eat her lunch at the normal time. We said we’d be happy to take our duties back as we could do with the money too but she said no.
And there’s loads of examples where she just moans - I think some people like people to feel sorry for them and are just moaners.

Although she doesn’t hint for money to buy things which would actually push me over the edge!

Just hold your ground OP. It won’t be long until your DD is old enough to not need her anymore.

Off to find a job that pays £46k whilst looking after a cute baby.

Let her hint till the cows come home. She can easily afford that with her wage and lack of rent/bills.

You are absolutely right. I still remember where I was standing the day I offered to buy the shoes. She walked out of her room and I recall telling her it was a pleasant day and herself and DD should go to the park and enjoy it. It was then, she looked down at her feet and said it is very difficult to walk without sports shoes.

It really is my fault when I think about it. I suppose I was looking it as just making her comfortable? Also, all the "lost" looks because she cannot figure out how to "transport" herself to some place she needed to go to and was "scared" to hail down a cab or take a bus as it was very late at night. Maybe she is that hapless? Who knows. It's just awkward when someone tells you how they "don't know something" and feel lost and what do they do? She knows I live on my computer. Maybe she's that technologically unaware? Very confusing indeed. However doesn't change reality that I have to take ownership of this and try and shift it somehow.

It's very late where I am but I'm working on a plan re a chat about budgeting for her

Well it beggars belief to be honest. In 15 years of high-end nannying I’ve never come across anything like it.

Wow, I can't believe what you're paying her, I've been a professional nanny for 30 years and I'm on £40,000 but I live out and have obviously worked my way up to that over the years! What you're doing and putting up with just doesn't make sense!

And this is someone you trust and pay to look after your child… all very odd.

When DD goes to nursery why don't you get a younger, more adaptable and helpful nanny on a reduced salary. Your soon to be ex probably won't care as it will be saving money.

Which country are you in and which country is she from?

£46k fuck me I need to change career.

She is taking you for a ride!

Practice blank face when she makes these hints or even better join in and hint that you can’t cope without the vintage wine.

Me too @MaryBeardsShoes - full-time teacher with an Oxford degree, Cambridge postgrad, and over ten years’ experience and I don’t earn that! 😂

Thats what I am thinking. My work involves travel at times so it would be hard to get babysitting at short notice. That and for all his spewing, I cannot relay on ex at all. There have just been too many incidences in which he said he would babysit and bailed last second due to a work "crisis". I can't afford this kind of money and further, even though ex has already said he's fine with continuing to pay for DD's nanny, I assume anything could change..

So to answer a few questions, she has over thirty years of experience (along those lines). She came with glowing references so aside from calling two of her employers, I figured we were set (there was a time urgency too). She is a professional nanny and has been doing it for so very long that I felt quite at ease. Further, our communication was great. I know salary seems a lot but I do think where we live in the US plays a role (cost of living is high) and that factored in with her experience level alongside covid and the amazing repercussions. It all added up.

I suppose I wouldn't have even raised an issue if not for the hints. That and she's never done one overnight. I asked for the occasional overnight as I was working 16 hours one time (incredibly unusual at all, it was just a very time sensitive project) and I'd come home at midnight and sure she had the baby sleeping but I was shattered and had to be up 6 am the next morning and assumed she'd at the minimum do overnight so I could rest that night at least! I didn't think much of it them but I kind of think she should have at least offered especially considering the 'extras' I have given. Maybe this makes me sound a little tit for tat but surely it's not crazy unusual to do a overnight here and there?

Her usual routine with DD is breakfast and potter about, a walk and a little play and then it's nap time! During this time she does some of her work/rests and then I'm usually back and take over. DD will wake but she doesn't really take initiative to make lunch for her (sometimes but these days it's very hohum). I end up standing awkwardly around and end up usually doing it myself (which I am happy to) but it's hard as sometimes I'll have calls or just need even 30 minutes to myself. I'll take DD out then and/or play with her or just hang out. She will...I don't know? Sometimes she will take her out to the park around five and occasionally bathe her but it's more a request. Honestly I don't expect this around the clock, it does somewhat feel like I am "asking" her to do things. I do know she loves DD and I have never seen anything to give me concern but I think she's just...not all there??

I don't know where I am going with this but just explaining

I have thirty years experience with glowing references too, but still don't earn that! I don't behave like that either, I do everything in my job description and more besides without complaining as I'm happy to 'muck in'

100% CF - you are generous so she is hoping you will pay for even more bits.