Could you forgive someone if they'd said this to you?

[OhHiRocco]

"You didn't give a fuck about X when they were alive and you're only interested now because you're getting their money" (meaning inheritance)

And "you only used to do A for them because they were paying you"

I'm due to see the person that said these things to me tomorrow after almost 6 weeks of NC and I feel like I will just be expected to forgive and forget it all, but I don't know if I can. I can go into more detail if anyone wants/needs to know anything more to make an accurate judgement on if they could themselves forgive, but what they said is very much not true and it hurt me very much.

YANBU. Ignore them and tell everyone who comments what this vile person said to you.

Usually, if something isn't true - than it doesn't hurt me.

Was this a family member?

YANBU. Rude, says a lot about them and 0 about you.

It would depend on my previous relationship with them and in what context the things were said. Emotions run high after a death and people do react poorly and say things in the heat of the moment. My dad had a similar situation with his brother after my nan died and they’ve never spoken since. But after my grandad died my Nan went a bit loopy and said and did some mad things and we forgave her.

Whatever you decide, I’m sorry for your loss.

Even if I could eventually forgive, I don't think I'd ever forget.

Was it said immediately after the death of the person in question, ie in the heat of the moment? Was the person saying these things left out of the will? Was the person saying these things perhaps talking out of guilt from their own lack of effort towards the deceased?

It hurt me that that is their opinion of me and it made me realise that they think so little of me.

Yes, it was a very close family member.

Why do you have to see this person?
Are you on their own with them 1-1 or is it a family event?
Do you have back-up or are you going to be ganged up on?
In your shoes, I would be civil/speaking when spoken to if relevant to paperwork etc but I would not be tolerating abuse or snark, nor would I be playing happy bloody families. Get in, do the job/reason you are there, get out again.

I suppose it might depend on who it was. If it was, for example, my grandma who had died and my mum said it due to not coping well and being overcome with grief causing her to lash out, I could probably forgive her. If it was someone saying it purely to have a go, then I probably wouldn't.

I'm guessing you did something for this person and they did pay you, but that wasn't your main reason to do it. Could it be that this person has misunderstood your motives?

If it wasn’t true then no I wouldn’t forgive them for nasty comments

Well if that's what they believe then let them, you know the truth. If they start saying it to other people thats a different matter.

Assuming the comments aren't true (of course) I could forgive if they were grieving and lashing out in an out of character way, or if they had been led to believe this by someone they trusted, especially if they apologised once they realised what they'd done.
If this is typical of them, and/or they said it just to be unkind and provoke you then I would be keeping them at arms length or more in future, especially if they are not sorry.

If they profusely apologised, and I believed they were sincere, then I could forgive it if they were very upset and irrational when they said it. If I thought they really meant it, then no, there would be no way back.

I've said "this person" a lot about different people! I mean, could the person accusing you have misunderstood your real motive for helping the person who died, and mistakenly think it was solely down to money.

It was said about 6 months after the death when a property was being sold and everything being finalized. This person was the executor of the will, and one of the 4 people who would benefit.

I think there may be an element of their own guilt, as they wished this person dead many times in the years prior to their death and only did the bare minimum out of obligation.

It is one of my kid's birthdays and they want to see them to give a card and gift, they are coming with someone else who I am still on good terms with and who knows what was said and thinks they were out of order for it. They are piggy in the middle tbh. I have said I will be civil for the sake of my children so they can see them. My DH refuses to see them because he will absolutely blow his lid at them so in that sense it is just me.

Hard to say. If it was not true, I would have told the person that right away to their face. We completely fell out with dh sibling when PIL were old/dead. Sibling did nothing to help us with PIL when they were alive. When we fixed problems, sibling criticised us on the phone to PIL. And when PIL died, sibling was no longer too busy/far away, sibling was at the house on the bloody take.

Why did they wish this person dead?
Was it out of sheer nastiness or coups it have been because the deceased was suffering and in pain.
Its hard to know without more details.
I think I would do whatever is necessary, be civil but don’t make any other small talk. Then leave.

I don't know if I would believe an apology is genuine. And I do think that this is something they truly believe. They have always had a very low opinion of me in a way, always called me selfish and sneaky since I was a child, I was constantly told that I was just like another relative that they absolutely hate.

I just thought that opinion had changed now, and they would see that I am not the same person I was at 16. I am almost 32 years old and not a self absorbed child anymore.

Sorry cross posted.
Still just be civil but nothing more than that.

It is one of my kid's birthdays and they want to see them to give a card and gift, they are coming with someone else who I am still on good terms with and who knows what was said and thinks they were out of order for it

The piggy in the middle person needs to come and drop the present off alone - s/he isnt joined to the other person at the hip presumably? & then stop being piggy. Too much drama.

Honestly if you dont want to see someone, then dont. Why all this angst? Life's too short. I bet said person + piggy in the middle know you're stressing, yet they'll still show up at your door regardless

Presents can be posted there is such a thing.

I cant see why you're allowing this, much less letting it get to you. Id have knocked it on the head at the outset, maybe your child will miss out on a present but so what?

Basically because they were just too much hassle and too demanding. Sorry for being vague on the relationship, but the person who died was their parent. They would repeatedly say, I wish they would have died instead of Y (their other parent who died 7 years ago), Y should have never been the one to go, X should have. X doesn't deserve to be here, they don't care about anyone but themselves. And even just out and out say, I wish X was dead. They would moan about them constantly, about having to do things for them, if they couldn't remember things, if they asked the same questions over and over. They were in a care home for the last 2 years of their life and the person who said these things to me didn't have to do a thing for them, but was such a martyr about going to visit, but was on the other hand overly lovey dovey with them (it was actually a bit cringey to watch). They told me they wouldn't hold it against me for not going often but they evidently did. I have 2 kids, soon to be 3, and was diagnosed with a serious health condition last year, and tbh I just do not like care homes and cannot stand seeing people I love unwell. They were frail and skinny and couldn't remember me in the end, it was too devastating to see.

For a bit more context on the "being paid to do A", before they went into a care home I would do their weekly shopping for them and take it to them. It wasn't a problem and I didn't mind doing it. I would pay on my card and give them the receipt, and they would give me the cash. If it was say, £17.50, they would round it up to £20, and tell me to put the £2.50 in my child's money box (I was pregnant with DC2 at the time). And then every few weeks they would give me £5 for petrol that I would tell them wasn't necessary at all and if I refused to accept it they would just give it to DS.

I'm doing it for my kids. I won't punish this person by not allowing them to have a relationship with them. And it's difficult for the piggy in the middle not to be the piggy due to the relationship iyswim? They want us to make up, and they partly feel responsible as they half forced the conversation that lead to the comments that were made.

I'm not angst, I'm just pondering how to deal with any attempt to reconcile and wanted some opinions.

For me it would depend if there was an element of truth to what they said.

are you only bothering now cause of the money and did you only help out to be paid?

I think there’s quite a lot in the second paragraph here to unpick- but there’s clearly a lot of history on both sides.

I don’t know whether I would forgive them straight away. But as a bare minimum this person did the care home visits, and is making an effort with your nuclear family now. They’re trying - which makes me think that down the line something might be possible.

with the additional context you’ve given, no I wouldn’t forgive and I’d also consider if contact with them was really beneficial in anyway.

Is this your children’s aunt/uncle?

the reason I ask is because of your mention of the relationship between them and your children. Is it really possibly for this person to think so lowly of you, and apparently to think bad of you since you were a child, but to also be a positive person for your children to have a relationship with?