Could you forgive someone if they'd said this to you?

[OhHiRocco]

"You didn't give a fuck about X when they were alive and you're only interested now because you're getting their money" (meaning inheritance)

And "you only used to do A for them because they were paying you"

I'm due to see the person that said these things to me tomorrow after almost 6 weeks of NC and I feel like I will just be expected to forgive and forget it all, but I don't know if I can. I can go into more detail if anyone wants/needs to know anything more to make an accurate judgement on if they could themselves forgive, but what they said is very much not true and it hurt me very much.

And also just to add, as I didn't take in the last bit regarding care falling to one person the first time. She was NOT one person doing everything to be able to resent me or anyone else. I did his weekly shopping, my dad did other bits of shopping for him and fixed things when needed. He had carers 4 times a day and a weekly cleaner. In the 6 months before he went into the hospital/care home, she did nothing for him, she had an operation and couldn't drive for a long time and absolutely loved using it as an excuse to back off completely. She didn't even see him in this time, and only spoke to him on the phone. After I had my youngest, my sister took over my role doing his shopping and helping him with bits and bobs (tbh, she didn't really see him much or do anything for him before this point), and then when he became very unwell, she got POA for him as she is very level headed in a crisis and has some medical knowledge so she was the main point of contact iyswim. My sister was the only person allowed to see him in the care home for a long time, she dropped things off for him regularly etc. We all helped clear his house to sell (before he died, to pay for the care home fees) including my DH and my sister's DH.

She was not left to deal with anything on her own. If anything, she had the least amount of involvement in the last 2-3 years.

My child got the money, not me, and as I said, it was a couple of pounds here and there. And that was because SHE didn't want to do the shopping.

Not sure what you mean by back tracked posts, if you look back I actually said, she said she wouldn't hold it against me for not visiting OFTEN. I didn't say I didn't visit at all, and I've clarified that multiple times. And for a majority of the time as I have repeatedly said, there were Covid restrictions anyway, so I couldn't have gone even if I'd have wanted to. I clearly didn't distance myself or opt in and out when things got hard so I don't know where you have gotten that idea from?

It was my grandfather, and the money was split into 4 equal shares that went to my Mum, my Dad, me and my sister, after care home fees were paid and money left to my kids was put aside too. There is no other extended family, no aunts or uncles, that is literally my entire family.

For all her faults, she does love them and they do love her, they'd be devastated to not be able to see her again, I can't do that to them. She's an entirely different person with them than she ever was with me, I've never seen that loving side to her before.

She has lashed out, out of anger, grief, resentment, jealousy, bitterness: take your pick. If she is a good grandma, then enabling her relationship with your children is a nice thing. Repairing your relationship with your Mum depends on being the better person. It might happen in time, it may not. Just do baby steps for now.

Yes, I think baby steps is the best approach in this situation.

I just can't imagine saying something like that to someone. Even if it was what I thought, I'd never say it out loud.

My mum is also a bitter twisted old woman. But, despite not being around for me when I was growing up, she adores her grandkids and treats them way better than she ever did me! I have had to reduce contact with her since Covid (from once a week to once every school holiday), but hope to never have to cut it completely. My kids would be just as upset not to see her as she would be not to see them.

It's hard isn't it when you see them for who they truly are and your sweet innocent kids don't and hopefully never will have a clue.

If it isn't true then I'd look at why they said it. Are they hurting? Feeling guilty? I wouldn't assume they believed it unless I had other reasons to. So yes, I'd probably forgive them if our relationship was otherwise good.

Being given money for fuel /giving kids a couple of pounds is in NO WAY BEING PAID!!

If you were getting nmw per hour... That would be being paid!!

This person sounds bizarre!

There are two meanings to the word 'forgive'; the first is that you move past what they did, and things go back to how they were before.
The second is that you accept them the way they are and don't expect them to change, and this second meaning allows you to change the way you relate to them.

You don't have to forgive and forget it all. Accept your mother is not there for you and has no right to continually hurt you, and take steps to protect yourself. Perhaps after you get through this, you might also want to consider why she is so nice to your children.

So, they have been and gone and I'm happy that the kids had a good time with them. They helped keep things light and fun, and my Sister also arrived at the same time, so it was more of a group conversation rather than any 1 on 1, so it wasn't awkward. I did answer questions politely when my Mum spoke to me directly, which was mostly just questions about the kids/baby.

There was no attempt to discuss what had happened which I think is because of the kids being around and her not wanting to say anything in front of them which I do appreciate. But, knowing her, I do think that I will get a text later saying something along the line of, thank you for letting me come round and see the kids, as she said it about 3 times on the way out. And I predict she may use that as a precursor to an apology. We will see.

Yes, I definitely don't think everything can go back to how it was before. Not from my side anyway.

I won't ever forget what she said, and it has definitely changed the way I feel about her and our relationship.