Could you forgive someone if they'd said this to you?

[OhHiRocco]

"You didn't give a fuck about X when they were alive and you're only interested now because you're getting their money" (meaning inheritance)

And "you only used to do A for them because they were paying you"

I'm due to see the person that said these things to me tomorrow after almost 6 weeks of NC and I feel like I will just be expected to forgive and forget it all, but I don't know if I can. I can go into more detail if anyone wants/needs to know anything more to make an accurate judgement on if they could themselves forgive, but what they said is very much not true and it hurt me very much.

Children manage fine without grandparents and the most important thing is they have stable happy parents. So you should do what works for you- your mother has been horrible to you for most of your life and that’s a huge thing. You should not be thinking of her in any decision on contact. It would be perfectly reasonable to cut contact. If she can’t be civil to you then it would be best to cut contact.

"I'm sorry but I don't understand why you would want to allow this person to see your children. Whoever they are, they have deeply insulted you, and now they want to play nicey-nicey with your children. And your DH doesn't want to see them either.
I'm doing it for my kids. I won't punish this person by not allowing them to have a relationship with them
I could sort of understand it if you said you were allowing this meeting FOR for children.
Personally I wouldn't be accepting the gift, even through a 3rd party, wouldn't allow the meeting and that's that. You've be NC for 6 weeks, keep it going, don't step back into their sphere of influence now. The only other person who matters in this decision making is your DH and he doesn't want to see them."

^ this is sound common sense.

Don't allow toxic people into your life so they can drag you down.

Just because they are family doesn't give them a free pass to be nasty.

Please don't inflict this person on your children! She will only add poison and negativity to their lives in the long run.

Just to clarify, I DID visit the care home when it was allowed but for a long time they restricted visiting to no one at all, then just to 1 designated person only, and then finally 2 people which is when my Mum herself first started going every week out of obligation, not out of want to see him. She went so when he died she could make it seem to other people she was the doting daughter who visited every week. I just didn't visit weekly. I even went a couple of times and was turned away because he just wasn't up to it.

Your dm sounds like a narcissist.

No way on earth would I be allowing her to see my dc's - comments re death of gp nonwithstanding - she sounds like a miserable, nasty cow who has everyone jumping through hoops for her. Your dh is the only one with any common sense!

If you'd read all of my posts you would see that what she said is not true. We are an extremely small and (I thought) close family, I am not some distant relative, this was my grandfather. I saw him very often, I lived a few minutes drive up the road from him. I didn't just start caring before he died so I'd get his money.

I think you have already drawn a boundary with your mother by not speaking to her for several weeks since your fathers ill fated attempt at mediation. If you have decided the part of your mother that performs well as a grandmother is worth keeping and you see value for your children, then that sounds like a decision. You don't have to pretend that things haven't changed though by being polite and civil, you can still be a respectful communicator but now speak from a place of honesty. Tell your mother her words to you were unforgivable in your opinion, you will support your children's relationship with her so long as she treats your children well. You have reflected on the relationship you both have and are saddened that she has said/held very negative beliefs about you and you will no longer be tolerating that. She needs to speak kindly or keep her angry hurtful views to herself, if not she can leave. A very honest and boundaried opportunity awaits you - you have nothing to lose from what you say as the next option is to cut her off but in so doing your father is probably put in a difficult place of choosing and he sounds like he would struggle to do that. Not every position has to be all or nothing but neither do you have to tolerate the intolerable,

Why you want your kids to have a relationship with a person who says such things about their close family members?

Just be civil and polite, for your dads sake.

Everyone knows the truth.

Why on earth would you allow a woman who is so bitter and nasty contact with your young impressionable children?

what if she starts bad mouthing you to your children and manipulating them?

I don’t see this going well as they get older.

Your mother sounds like a deeply unpleasant person who must be exhausting to be around....sounds like she can suck the joy out of almost any occasion. So unnecessary, does browbeats and depresses everyone around her and it sounds like she often oversteps the line between being unpleasant and being downright offensive and nasty. It sounds like shes gotten away with this vile behaviour for a long time. As tempting as it is just to say, cut her off, I know in real life the complexities and web of family relationships make that really hard. If it were me, I would allow the contact but supervise it really closely to make sure she doesnt start imposing this poison on your kids. And keep it to a minimum . If she ever opens her mouth to say such vile things again, do not allow it to go unchallenged - that implied its true and you agree. stand up for yourself and state the truth.

How old are your children op.
I wonder, if your mum speaks so badly of her own mother and child, how long will it be until she acts like this with your children. If they are young right now they might meet her needs (to be loved, cuddled etc). I wonder how she will feel as they get older, if the don’t visit her as much as she’d like, or if they get back chatty.

OP i would never forgive and never forget because they sound awful. Why do you want to facilitate a relationship with them and your DC even though they were awful to you, you don't like them and your DH doesn't like them?

In what way will they enrich your child's life beyond what you can give your child? It's batshit.

But if you insist: Just answer any questions they ask with brusque yes and no answers, don't ask them any, don't offer them refreshments etc etc.

I tend to agree but it's not the whole picture. If someone you care about says something like this then you can still be upset they'd think that of you even if it isn't true.

They were projecting their guilt about how they felt about the person who died. It sounds as if they are not very mature emotionally despite their age, and have a lot of baggage about their upbringing and this has repeated its self, in the way they treat you. You can break this cycle and it doesn't have to be by going nc. Just bear in mind that they are not emotionally stable, and can be toxic. Dont let their outbursts and nasty words affect you, but if that is impossible then you will have to withdraw from them.

They are 2 and 6. DC3 will be here next week. You raise a good point about when they are older and mqrdy teenagers. My eldest is already a bit cheeky.

To those who have mentioned it, she wouldn't dare bad mouth me to my kids, she knows that would be it from us if she did, she knows that we could cut off contact just like that.

It was my grandfather she spoke so badly about. She speaks very fondly of my grandmother, almost puts her on a pedestal tbh. Yes, she was an amazing grandmother, she was funny and quirky and so so caring, but it's only been since she died that my Mum seemed to speak or think of her the way that she does. When she was here, she was treated like an inconvenience much like my grandfather was. She became even more angry towards him after she died, but as many have said, caring for someone with dementia is awful and traumatizing and he did really struggle with it. He was absolutely devastated when she died and my Mum felt it was faux grief and that he didn't really love her or miss her as much as he said he did. They were married for 55 years fgs, he was so depressed after she died!

He was her dad and deep down she loved him, but she hated him.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with this, thank you!

Why do you want your kids around someone who will in all probability say these fucking awful things to them?

Tbh, next time they started I would say I'm not the person who said... Then reel off all the awful things they said. Don't take your guilt out on me.

Fuck them. You don't need that shit.

Are you me and is that my brother calling you things?!
My family all think he's an arsehole so we roll our eyes and bitch about him when I tell them the latest ridiculous comment. He's very very nasty, a proper keyboard warrior in the messages he sends. Apparently for example I killed our DF by wearing him out inviting his friends over to see him (as per dads wishes) after he was diagnosed with advanced cancer. Dad loved those 2 afternoons of visitors, he always loved a party. Meanwhile brother had left/run away and left me to get on with looking after my father. Dad had 12 days from being diagnosed to dying, it was a very rapid decline. Brother came back 2 days before dad died once he was admitted to the hospice. Promptly started screaming and shouting about "My fathers dying" and the fact Id chucked out a cracked vase that apparently was worth thousands. It was horrendous. In front of and also turned on my adult daughters which was a new low. I bought him another identical one off eBay for £100 to shut him up.

House is on the market now, he's buggered off back to the EU country he lives in after coming home without any warning sunglehandedly getting the place ready for sale according to his version of events told to me by the neighbour.
I comfort myself by thinking once this house is sold and the contents dealt with, I don't have to see him or speak to him ever again if I don't want to. He would be the loser in that as my family is all he's got, he's never been in a long term relationship I wonder why or had children
You have all my sympathy OP, it must be lovely to be part of a nice normal family who discuss things calmly and rationally rather than it always being creaming and shouldering and literally ending in tears. I have done my utmost to change my own family dynamic so history doesn't repeat itself.

I was disowned as a baby by my father, most of his family followed suit.

Dispite this a random cousin decided to get in contact upon the death of my grandma (only member who didnt turn their back on me) to tell me I was 'stealing their inheritance'. I have no idea what they expected of felt entitled to get from the inheratence but I can state as a fact I got sweet fuck all.

All I wanted was the photos of me and my grandma when I was a baby (I lived with her for a year as a baby and she had a photo album full of photos of me and her) and the family binned them just to spite me... I certainly got no money so no idea what they think I 'stole'.

I also looked after this grandma for 6 months when she first got sick (about 3 years before she died) before she went into a care home, cousin never did any such thing... maybe thats why they assumed I got something but I didnt and doubt I ever will get anything from that side of the family.

I just do not like care homes and cannot stand seeing people I love unwell. They were frail and skinny and couldn't remember me in the end, it was too devastating to see

To be blunt though - do you honestly think anyone relishes going in to care homes / or visiting sick people they love? It is distressing and draining. If everyone took this attitude nobody would be visited and comforted. Very often care falls to one person - everyone else makes excuses as to why they can’t and in the end it boils over in to deep resentment following loss. It is a complex situation but not unusual.

As I've said more than once in previous posts, I did go when covid restrictions eased and visiting was allowed. I just didn't go every single week. I found it really hard to go again after the very first time, as I was so shocked and upset at the state of him (I don't mean that in a nasty way btw) after not physically seeing him for so long, and I probably left it longer than I should have, but I did visit and facetime. I even took my kids once as the eldest was desperate to see him, and thankfully that day was the one good day he'd had for a very long time (and the last good day unfortunately), so they have a nice last memory of him.

So the deceased was your grandma and she split her money 4 ways. Was this equal? Did you, your sibling, your mum and the other person (your auntie/uncle?) get an equal share?

I'm not sure why your mum is angry that her mum left you and your dc some money. You’re her granddaughter and great GC ffs. Are you sure you think it would be healthy to allow your dc contact with this woman?

Gosh, this really resonates with me. I was previously very close to my family member, but he has said and done some extremely hurtful things. I know he is grieving but I don't feel he's taken my grief into account and has made me feel even worse (if that's at all possible). I've gone v low contact and I cant ever see the relationship recovering. I'm sorry for your loss and that you're having to deal with this extra unpleasantness. It's horrible, and you have my full sympathy.

This isn’t something I would cut my mother out of my life for.
From her point of view, you visited regularly, and got money out of it. Then when it got hard and he was in a home, you admit you couldn’t hack it and distanced yourself (no matter what your later backtracked posts say).
You don’t/shouldn’t really get to opt in and out of family life when it gets hard. You and your DH seem to have a habit of it.