Could you forgive someone if they'd said this to you?

[OhHiRocco]

"You didn't give a fuck about X when they were alive and you're only interested now because you're getting their money" (meaning inheritance)

And "you only used to do A for them because they were paying you"

I'm due to see the person that said these things to me tomorrow after almost 6 weeks of NC and I feel like I will just be expected to forgive and forget it all, but I don't know if I can. I can go into more detail if anyone wants/needs to know anything more to make an accurate judgement on if they could themselves forgive, but what they said is very much not true and it hurt me very much.

I am guessing this was said by a parent, who has a long history of being mean to you. I would be careful about contact between them and your kids, so they don't transfer this behaviour to them. As for what is said - it was not in the first throes of grief, it was a mean and nasty statement designed to make you feel bad about yourself. I think it says more about the person saying it than you, and I would tell them that - these kind of statements reek of projection. I would not reconcile- they sound toxic, whoever they are.

I'm sorry but I don't understand why you would want to allow this person to see your children. Whoever they are, they have deeply insulted you, and now they want to play nicey-nicey with your children. And your DH doesn't want to see them either.

I'm doing it for my kids. I won't punish this person by not allowing them to have a relationship with them

I could sort of understand it if you said you were allowing this meeting FOR for children.

Personally I wouldn't be accepting the gift, even through a 3rd party, wouldn't allow the meeting and that's that. You've be NC for 6 weeks, keep it going, don't step back into their sphere of influence now. The only other person who matters in this decision making is your DH and he doesn't want to see them.

This person holds beliefs about you that are hurtful. Are they likely to change their mind? Probably not. I don’t think I’d want to meet up with this person but would do so briefly to keep the peace. If there’s any more bs projection about your character I’d be inclined to tell them that it says more about them than you.

The whole "only bothered now" thing doesn't really make sense to be honest, because this relative died 6 months ago, so in a sense, there is nothing to bother with now if you see what I mean?

I've explained above about the whole "being paid" thing. I did some weekly shopping and the added a couple of quid on for my DS and would offer money for petrol that again, they would give to DS if I refused to accept it. It wasn't like I was getting an hourly rate.
I did it because I wanted to. I barely had to go out of my way, I would do my own weekly shop at the same time, take theirs to them (2 mins up the road) put it away for them, stay and have a chat, run the hoover round, and check if they needed me to do anything before I left (they had carers 4 times a day so very rare anything needed doing). I only stopped doing it because covid happened and I was heavily pregnant. I had a c section and couldn't drive after, then shortly after that they went into hospital then the care home.

I completely understand you being offended @OhHiRocco . I think someone saying something like that would upset me more if it were untrue than if it were true, as they're making a false personal attack on you and probably slurring your reputation falsely to others too.

Buying someone's shopping and them rounding it up a couple of quid or insisting on paying for petrol you use isn't the same as being paid for it anyway.

This person sounds really nasty in many ways- not just to you but also about their sick parent in the past. I would have as little to do with them as possible, and can only imagine how unpleasant it is to see them after what they said to you.

My kids aren't old enough to understand why they wouldn't see this person on one of their birthdays, especially my eldest. The kids have been to their house since the conversation was had, which was facilitated by piggy in the middle so they don't really know there is anything wrong right now.

My DH has very strong opinions on this person and that could be another thread entirely in its own right. He would have gone to their house and given them a mouthful the day it happened if I'd not made him promise not to. But, he is happy for them to see the kids and knows it would kill them not to be able see them and as much as he dislikes them, he knows my kids love them very much.

I think the kids are loving someone who is highly likely to upset them, as the person has you.

Kids can love all sorts of people; it doesn't necessarily mean that having anything to do with them is the best thing for the child. x

Why you care about what this person thinks or has said is a mystery. This is all about them and how they feel about themselves. You're just their punching bag.

Well, I'm generally a big proponent of forgiving people...but NEVER of forgetting. Forgiving allows you to move forward, no longer tied to the hurt. No need to tell the other party that you have forgiven them...most of the time they think that their comments were justified, and it wouldn't make any difference.

We swallow a lot for our kids. We really do. Do your best to not have any interaction with the person while they are there, and hope for the best.

I was in a similar position to you OP when my dad died. I'm still NC with my sibling as a result. My children still ask to see their cousins and family. Dh never wants to see them again but won't stop us. I don't think I'll ever get over it (wasn't just hurtful comments, but more lies and back stabbing/secrecy).

I’d probably “forgive” if it was one of my parents. Probably not if it were an aunt or uncle. Probably stay civil and very distant if it were a sibling. But from any of these people I would just expect more abuse later and be prepared to deal with it. Unless they have a very sincere apology and explanation.

Whoever it is, they are an asshole. I’ve limited contact with relatives who are messed up like this. They don’t contribute anything to my life and I certainly can’t help them (jerks like this that say or do such hateful things are beyond help.)

Oh and as my kids are older now, I've explained what happened and why we don't see that side of my family any more, so they kind of understand better.

Chances are I'd never want to see that person again. Why would I want to be around someone who has such a low (and false) opinion of me? And I wouldn't want them around my children either because I wouldn't know what that person might say to, or in front of, them. They can keep their gift and their card. If they don't care about me, their mother, then they need to be around my my children.

What I don't get is why, since they received an inheritance too, they feel you shouldn't have gotten one. Do they think they did 'more' than you and that the inheritance should have been 'portioned out' based on the amount of time spent with the deceased or how much work one did for them? Did you receive a larger portion? Or perhaps you're a more distant relative or friend and the executor feels that only 'their level' of relative (children? siblings?) should have received an inheritance?

And please accept my sympathy 💐

My neice that I barely know and was trying to forge a relationship with called me a crook recently. It was a bit like calling me a giraffe actually as I have no idea of any basis. I actually think she’s just crazy. But it still made me so very sad.

Was this your mother ?

I do understand where you're coming from, I really do, but as horrible as they have been to me, they are completely different with my kids to how they were with me growing up. My kids are the only good thing in their lives and some days, they are the only reason they would even get out of bed.

As I said above, my DH strongly dislikes them, but even he can see they love our kids and wants them to have a relationship. He would be the first to stop any contact if he didn't think it was a good idea. He cut off his own DM for not bothering with DS1 when he was a baby, she'd go 6-8 weeks without seeing him or even texting/calling to ask after him. He cut off his DB for similar.

Your children are unlikely to benefit from having any relationship with a toxic individual.

How would they feel f the person starts speaking to them about you in this way? That would be very unsettling and worrying for young children.

...then they DON'T need to be around my children.

I can think of a similar situation between two siblings, although there will not be an attempt at reconcillation.

The comment came from a place of anger and frustration where there was fraud within the family (one sibling helping themself to deceased parent's bank account prior to estate settlement) with that same sibling wanting a quick cash out from the estate's funds to purchase another vehicle they had their eye on.

So to the other sibling, it just seemed like the deceased parent was still being used as a cash cow.

This may or may not assist you in understanding why the comment you received was said and may be an inappropriate comparison. However I don't think I would be presenting myself in front of the sibling ever again.

I am aware in the situation that I know of, that person will never forgive nor forget and its best that all parties move on.

Who organised the party and thought it a good idea to bring the pair of you together?

I don't think it's even about the money. It was split equally between 4 relatives. So them, piggy in the middle, me and my sibling (this may make the full relationship clear now but oh well).

I think it was more to do with how quickly they believe that I had planned to use the money. Before the comments were made was a conversation about us selling up and moving house (we need more space, having DS3 in a week).

We don't actually even need the inheritance money to move, after getting it valued we have a lot of equity and having received asking price offers before we've even had any viewings.

This is also despite the fact that they themselves have marketed, sold and had an offer accepted on another property before we had even put ours on the market.

Make it make sense.

They would moan about them constantly, about having to do things for them, if they couldn't remember things, if they asked the same questions over and over. They were in a care home for the last 2 years of their life and the person who said these things to me didn't have to do a thing for them, but was such a martyr about going to visit, but was on the other hand overly lovey dovey with them (it was actually a bit cringey to watch)

Ah, I think you may both be misjudging each other from a position of extreme stress.

Having a parent with dementia is so so hard and distressing. Everything you say about this person here, could be said about me by someone watching from the sidelines without genuine understanding of how hard it is. None of us are saints.

I just do not like care homes and cannot stand seeing people I love unwell. They were frail and skinny and couldn't remember me in the end, it was too devastating to see

For this other person too, of course, but they did it, didn’t they? Doggedly, until the end. And out of their trauma, came some anger, and some words they may now regret.

Don’t turn this traumatic and painful episode into a feud.

Yes, if anyone hadn't figured it out yet

“My kids are the only good thing in their lives and some days, they are the only reason they would even get out of bed.”

sorry op but this just sounds toxic also. Children shouldn’t be in a relationship with adults to meet the adults needs. Especially adults who are toxic to that child’s mother, because in reality it would be almost impossible for that person thinking so badly if you, not to have an impact on your children. Even children understand when there is an atmosphere….I’m assuming they have\will notice their father doesn’t see this person or know there is something happening that feels uncomfortable.

The only question I have is if there is some significant piece of context missing. Did you do something to wrong this person in the past. If not then I really don’t see why you allowed them in your life.

I think that saying this shows that the person has serious difficulties showing empathy and that all sorts of brakes, and checks and balances in their head, are not working properly. You just don't say bald things like this to people. It's indecent; it shows a lack of finer feeling.

I would send a message by text or whatever saying that you can't get over what they said, and you can't trust them to always behave appropriately in front of your children, but you are going to let it go for the sake of the kids. But please, don't mention other family members to you again, and keep it about creating jolly experiences for the children. You have no desire to ever again discuss what has caused you such pain.

"I'm doing it for my kids. I won't punish this person by not allowing them to have a relationship with them"

Nah! Fuck that! You're other half is already ready to deck them! You don't want to see them. The kids will get over it.

If someone spoke to me the way you have been spoken to...like fuck would they ever lie eyes on me or the kids again. Shitty behaviour shouldn't be rewarded!