To be nosy and ask if anyone is a Police wife here?

[Macbeth8]

My DH has taken on this new career path.
Hes had to do a 17 week training course which includes most weekends! He will hardly see us for the next four months.
Weirdly, met a woman at dds art club whose husband is a Detective..got talking to her and her words being a police wife is extremely hard! She then went on to mention all the affairs they have which is rife in the force!
This really hit me..Im already feeling low/worried. Not to mention I honestly feel like a single mum and its only been 3 days since hes gone away 😢
AIBU to think bad thoughts now about his new career?

I’m a police daughter (and sister and niece and grand-daughter). I’d never marry a policeman. I see it as a very hard way to make a living with a huge impact on family life.

It's a vocation.

If he was training to be a nurse or paramedic for example, it would be the same. Everyone who does it will tell you how bad it is 🤷🏻‍♀️ That's what it's like with any of these professions.

But if it's what he feels he needs to do with his life, both the training period and the job will feel worth it.

I have been a police officer’s wife for 15 years. Before that I was an army wife (same DH) for 12 years.
Army is easier as you know where you stand with the job and army life is a family all by itself.
My DH was so absorbed he couldn’t leave the police job at the front door. He still can’t. It’s highly pressurised as they are so few of them.
I’ve brought my kids up as a single mum (DC1 was 2 and I was pregnant with DC2 when DH was training) and ran the home alone even though DH has been around more as a police officer.
He’s never had an affair (as far as I know).
Try and meet your DH colleagues and meet some police wives if you can. They are a great support and the only ones who will understand.
In my own experience it’s a great career for the copper (although the salary rarely goes up) to but no so much for the family.

Police wife here! Honestly, you'll be okay as long as you both take time to support each other and don't take things personally. It's tough but any job where you experience things they do, is going to have an impact.

Didn't you discuss this before he went into it? I thought it was pretty common knowledge that it's a vocation and not a job. Shift work, long hours, traumatic situations, assaults etc are not entirely conducive to family life. And yes, people are thrown together, spend a long time together, and depend on each other which does tend to result in very close relationships.

I know people who have made it work, but I myself honestly couldn't be married to a police officer unless I was prepared for my career to take a back seat and to spend a lot of time alone with the kids.

@pinkstripeycat

Thanks, that is a brilliant and reassuring reply.
I worry as this is a huge change for us all. My youngest dd is extremely close to him - didnt help that she was born in lockdown where DH was working from home in his previous job all the way through until a few months ago so shes had his undivided attention from the word go.
I guess that hurts more than us being a part as I can see how much she misses him..I am dreading this career move in all fairness. Doesnt sound pleasant for the family at all.

Hello OP. I am a police wife and have been for 18 years. Is it hard? Yes, at times and particularly when our children were young. Shift work is tough on the police officer and the spouse - who can feel like they are left to do a lot of the childcare, housework etc. Weekends are tricky as your husband will often be working, you attend events on your own or not at all. And of course there is Christmas…..

However, there are a lot of positives. It’s a stable job, you know their shift pattern in advance and mid week days off mean they deal with the kids on those days! As for the affairs, people have affairs regardless of the job they do!

I quite enjoy the house/bed to myself when my husband is on nights. I get the remote and can watch whatever rubbish I want on the tv!

You will find a way to make it work. Good luck!

@Ollybjolly

What negative aspects did you experience from it being the daughter? I have 3 dds so would be interesting to hear it from that view.

It’s actually so nice for me to read replies from other wives/partners too!
I agree with everything you are all saying!
You guys are great! 🥰

What HopelessBlue192 said is true. My DH isn’t good at supporting me sadly. I do all the supporting but I have a strong mum and sister to hold me up.

@thepinkpigrocks

Thanks.
Dh has mentioned overtime is needed and he would happily do this as its paid time and a half.
Do you know if its frequent?

I am.
Yes it's hard! But I like the shift patterns; cuddles in bed when the kids have gone to school, or lunch dates when we don't need to pay for a babysitter. Sometimes he gets the kids up dress and to school and I have a lay in!!!
It turned him quite hard though as he's used to seeing things or people trying to manipulate him. He made me cry tonight and turned on his heels and walked off saying crocodile tears don't work on me darling. I shouted after him I'm your pregnant wife not some shop lifter trying to manipulate you! But every couple will argue. I laugh about it --- afterwards.
Some partners say the police bring the work home with them. He doesn't really but sometimes he comes home and disappears for half an hour to the loo or stops in the car and plays games on his phone. I just don't nag that he needs that time to separate work and home.
I used to worry that he never talked to me about horrid stuff from work and I would honestly listen and be there for him. One reason he does not talk is the police humour can be quite harsh. The other was explained by a friend who bloke was in the army and never talked to her about fighting. She said partners, kids and home become the safe place away from the horror they see. If they start talking then that horror enters their safe place. Keep the home safe if they want to talk let them if they don't hug them and watch a film.
Yes police are full of affairs, he does talk about those with me. But I have to trust him. He is very handsome so i worry but then sometimes it feels like affairs are happening all over now. I'm not sure it's just a police thing tbh
All in all I'm very proud of him. I wouldn't change his job. You will find bit you like bits you don't.

It can be depending on the type of role they are in.

From a different perspective

I’m a police officer. 15 years in. If it helps at all, we don’t all have affairs. Never even crossed my mind in the 20 years we’ve been together

My wife is a nurse, so we have both experienced shift work etc. We both know how hard and shitty it can to be work with the public, but also know how rewarding it is. Both jobs are really hard so we support each other, I don’t feel I take more from her than she does from me, and she agreed when I just asked her.

Family life is what it is. We both work Monday-Friday now, mostly, although I do have to cover the occasional set of nights/weekends, and she does a couple of late shifts every week. We both found our way into roles with more steady hours, but when I had our son I was working a full shift pattern as a detective. We just made it work.

I both hate and love my job. I can’t imagine doing anything else, and my wife would never ask me to change my career. It’s never changed our relationship, who I am with and for her has never changed.

I'm a police wife. I agree the shifts mean you are often holding the fort. It's not necessarily true about knowing the shift pattern. They can change it at the drop of a hat. Depending what job they do. Sometimes they don't come home on time and have shift changes regularly.

Only last Christmas my partner had Christmas Day off and they changed it and put him on duty so someone else could have the day off because they fucked up the amount of staff on duty and because they can.

As for being a kid to a Police officer, I've had to explain may times to my young daughters that daddy cannot see them on special days. Christmas was a killer. I don't think he has ever had an Easter Sunday or a New Year's Eve off.

There's also annual leave restrictions. Embargo's when big events are happening so no leave is granted. The olympics was fun. Not. My partner can only have one person off out of the 7 on his shift which makes summer holidays a bastard if you don't get in quick enough. Then they can cancel your rest days and annual leave.

To top it off I'm also police although I'm a civilian so whilst I understand I also have to juggle his shifts with my own. We are different forces now but when we were the same force there were many a time they'd change his shift and refuse me leave so I could handle childcare.

But as long as you behave, you get paid every month and have job security with a reasonable pension.

My Friend's DH joined the Police Force (career change) and did end up having an affair. He left the force and they stayed together.

I think if someone is going to have an affair they will no matter what the career.

It's rife in the industry my DH is in, but I trust him otherwise I wouldn't be married to him.

I was a police wife for 17 years, he was a police officer when we met. We didn't have kids, we married in 1987 at that time we got free police housing! It wasn't easy, I couldn't count the number of times we had to change plans last minute because he was late finishing or had to go to court at short notice.........very frustrating!!! Not sure if that is as bad now.
Police officers have to deal with some horrible things that most of us don't want to think about and it can take a toll.........eg suicide, housefires, domestic abuse, and sudden deaths. My ex was a typical alpha male who didn't like to show his feelings, it wasn't healthy.
We divorced after he had an affair. The "job" was his first love. The divorce rate for police officers is very high.
I hope it works out for you.

Another police wife here. It's honestly not been so bad in my experience. We've been together a long time. He's been in the force a good few years now and we didn't have a baby until after he joined so we've just adapted and don't know any different (as in we've never parented without him doing shifts etc so nothing to compare). For us the shifts aren't bad and we make it work. Like others have said we know I'd advance his shift pattern and this has hardly ever been changed (although it can). I'm going back to work soon after maternity leave and luckily my work is really flexible so we're going to try and work around his shifts as much as we can. As others have said I quite like the shifts and knowing I can have the bed/tv to myself a few nights. Sometimes it can be tough when you feel like you're doing all the parenting whilst they're at work but my husband is good at pulling his weight on his rest days when he's home.

I don't worry about affairs. My friends have husbands who work in completely different jobs and talk about how affairs are rife where they work so I don't think it's exclusive to the police force. I'm not naive but trust my husband.

I was married to a Met police officer and hated it. We didn’t have any kids but nevertheless it was miserable. So many evenings alone and him not being able to get time off for things during emergencies (which seemed to happen a lot) so going to weddings alone etc. I’m glad we didn’t have children together because it would have been no life. I would never choose that.

My dad has been a police officer for 30 years and not long retired. The way the police can just cancel your leave if something happens can be within a few hours.
My mam worked part time and had to be available for childcare at the drop of a hat. She said if is very hard.
The social side when I was a child was fab but they closed most of the police social clubs and don't do many family days.
My dad says they are more flexible these days than when he started.
Yes there are normally a high number of affairs in high pressure jobs.

This, plus sadly my dad went down the affairs route too!

I am. I was also in the job myself, but not anymore. Yes, there are a few affairs - but there are a lot of affairs in the NHS, among teachers, in finance, law firms, loads of professions - I never considered cheating on my husband when I was in the job and I completely trust that he wouldn’t either. I think that if you’re the type to have an affair, you’re gonna have one 🤷‍♀️

Shift patterns and minimum strengths are a complete ball ache when you want to plan stuff, I can’t say they aren’t. You have to be really organised with your leave and be good at making friends on other teams in case you can’t get the time off because of numbers. My husband has a 9-5 now because he specialised. I also had a 9-5 when I left. You don’t have to spend your whole career on shifts if you don’t want to.

My husband has been really ill recently and he has been looked after extremely well. It’s not all roses, there’s a lot wrong with it (I did leave after all!) but it’s a vocation and it can be absolutely incredible. I made the right choice to leave but I still very much miss it at times. If you trust each other, don’t mind planning around shift patterns and accept that he will be late home/called in/have rest days cancelled sometimes, you’ll be fine I’m sure.

Also I've gone into nursing and have been for the past 13 years. Missing Christmas days etc but I like celebrate Christmas for the whole month 🤣🤣
I remember frequently my dad looking after us post night shift till my mam came home from work so he could fall asleep. I also remember keeping him company when he came home late and ate Christmas dinner by himself.
Overall he's a good dad and it didn't put me off doing shift work as I now work part time covering 24 hours and see the benefits of having more days off than in

Ex police wife, was for 10 years. It was hard, especially with young children.
He was never home on time, leave days cancelled at the last minute, shifts changed .
He ended up having an affair with another police officer, they are still together now

Also a police wife. DH had to attend initial training for 12 weeks. I actually quite enjoyed the routine we got into. Me and the kids were always so excited to get him home on a Friday for the weekend. I can recall him saying after a few weeks into training that a Sargent instructor joked “join the force, get a divorce”. I think that saying was more related to a poor work life balance rather than affairs.
My dh is 6 on 4 off. It works for us. I feel we see him more now than we did in his previous office job.
Although he doesn’t deal with many work calls at home , he does have a lot of contact with his colleagues out of work hours. They can relate to each other and have a moan if needed after a particularly stressful day.