To be nosy and ask if anyone is a Police wife here?

[Macbeth8]

My DH has taken on this new career path.
Hes had to do a 17 week training course which includes most weekends! He will hardly see us for the next four months.
Weirdly, met a woman at dds art club whose husband is a Detective..got talking to her and her words being a police wife is extremely hard! She then went on to mention all the affairs they have which is rife in the force!
This really hit me..Im already feeling low/worried. Not to mention I honestly feel like a single mum and its only been 3 days since hes gone away 😢
AIBU to think bad thoughts now about his new career?

@Fionakl my ex wouldn’t step in if had kids with him but he has got involved out of work and ended up having his nose broken …

It saddens me so that many people are prepared to tarnish whole professions and therefore so many people, with the same brush.

Being with anyone who does shift work, especially in the emergency services now given all the cuts and crises, is hard and it’s something you need to seriously think about as a family.

The police have their institutional failings, we all know that, and yes, as a profession it can (like the Armed Forces) attract a certain personality.

But all police officers are not violent, cheating misogynists. Just like all GPs aren’t work-shy skivers or trying to kill elderly patients for their insurance. Just like all investment bankers aren’t utter wankers.

@Cotherstone - agreed you shouldn't tar all people with the same brush.

But when you like me meet/know police people and they tell you to your face that lots of cheating and misogyny goes on you'd have to be blind and deaf to ignore it.

This is also taking into account 4 police staff members I know (2 retired).

I also knew briefly the daughter of a police officer, I think ended up sergeant. She said he was very strict, she was also a heroin addict, told me it was mostly rebellion against her dad, another school friend, daughter of police officer, she had a teenage pregnancy and her and her dad on speaking terms but not close.

@Macbeth8 ah interesting! My OH is Met and is stationed away in a specialist from Jul-Sept. Baby due a few days after he arrives home so hopefully she hangs on! I've said it doesn't matter if he's not here for the birth, which I suppose is another example of having to be quite chilled out when it comes to police life/ home life conflicts!

DH trainee for this role last year. Similar to your partner but based in Kent Mon-Fri and home on weekends.

It's definitely tough with looking after children but you do just find your own rhythm. I agree with someone above who said they quite like the time to themselves in the evenings. I totally agree: means I can finish off some work bits when DC is asleep, cook whatever I fancy or curl up and read my book etc without considering someone else. You'll be totally fine. Plus, my DH has got a good group of work friends with similarly stable marriages; all of whom we see as a family and get on with well.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns But I am the daughter of a police officer, and the wife of one (who joined years after we had been together). I know how much cheating goes on, DH tells me all the stories, and I know plenty of people who cheated with other officers. I also know of officers who have commited DV against their partners.

The way emergency services and similar work in teams, on shift patterns, dealing with such difficult situations - there's enormous scope to easily cheat on partners if they want to. And as I said, no one is going to argue against the fact that certain professional attract bullies, and worse, who feel that role will give them a position of power.

But my husband is neither a cheat nor abusive. My father wasn't either. Our friends aren't (or at least, the police friends are no more likely to be cheating or abusive than friends in other jobs).

I am never going to stand here and say that there are not massive institutional failings within the current police system that have led to racism and misogyny on a level that cannot be tolerated. The entire recruitment and professional standards system needs reforming - but that has to go hand in hand with actually hiring enough police officers to effectively police.

But seeing sweeping statements that all police officers make terrible parents, and terrible husbands, and your relationship is absolutely going to fail? Seriously?

Ex police wife.

He's an ex for a good few reasons.

Same!

My ex husband wasn't in the police when we got together, he joined a bit later. Safe to say he had a personality transplant pretty much overnight. I also worked with the police at the time and although my husband never cheated (to my knowledge), I know lots of cops who did.

My brother is also a police officer and he's the biggest arsehole in the world.

So yeah, not a great experience from me I'm afraid.

My H has been a police officer for 20 years, in two different forces. Yes, the rate of divorce/affairs is high, and most jobs require at least an element of shift working.

There are ways however to make the job more family-friendly, and this mainly involves not pursuing the Big and Sexy roles when your DC are small. There are lots of back office type jobs with minimal evening and weekend working commitments, which are compatible with family life and the other parent having some semblance of a career. My H has one. However lots of men don't want to do these roles and prioritise their own career advancement and job satisfaction. My H has lots of colleagues who jump at the chance of overtime at the end of a shift because they like being at work, don't like being at home with the kids, and want the extra cash. But you can get away with doing a minimal amount a lot of the time. I work for the NHS including some on-call cover and so sometimes my job comes first.

The shifts aren't great and days of are cancelled with little notice, add in cancelled days for court/training that eats away at time off from the job.

Overtime is extremely frequent and being held on after the shift finishes almost a daily occurrence since it last not the kind of job where you can just drop stuff and leave and home time.
Christmases, birthdays, family occasions will be missed because they're working.
Affairs aren't part and parcel of becoming a police officer, they do obviously happen but it's not a given that they'll join the police and start relationships with a colleague, there's plenty of happily married officers that wouldn't dream of extra marital affairs.

I also work for the police so have understanding of what's involved and the stressful working conditions, emotionally upsetting jobs they attend and the mental drain. On occasion he worked 19hrs then back out after 5 hrs at home to finish off the job he'd dealt with. Shifts that he'd dealt with utter tragedy and devastation which is hard to switch off from and times he's been utterly exhausted just because of the volume of work.

@Macbeth8 Is your husband direct entry AFO?!
My force doesn't work like that, 2 yrs response then can apply for other roles, it baffles me that people with no policing experience can start straight into that area.

Yeah, one here. It's fine really. Just have to find a way of being flexible as a family as job comes first. DH does say the force is rife with affairs, but can only trust he isn't one of them!

Interesting thread and you need to remember these are individual experiences and everyone's will be different. I know of lots of friends who's parents were in the police and they've grown up totally fine. I also know of friends who's parents did very different jobs and they struggled. Ive seen it where both parents work professional, demanding jobs and emotionally the parents are absent and this can be damaging too. It's not specific to the police.

If you started a similar thread about any job/profession you'd probably find similar responses in that some have had good experiences, others not so good. My dad worked in a completely different field when I was growing up and he worked away, was rarely at home, rarely came to school events, work always came first etc and he had an affair and their marriage ended. If you asked my mum about that profession I'm sure she would say avoid and it's nothing close to being in the police.

I agree a lot with what @Cotherstone has said.

Police wife here too, soon to be ex. Been very tough and the affair was the icing on the cake. Wouldnt go near another cop if they were the last man on the planet. My dd commented recently that for dad work is more important than she is and I can see why she would feel that way. They have no idea where he is or when he'll be back. Dont imagine it getting easier once I've left either as shift changes and over time are so frequent, everything else is down to me

Police wife here. It’s worked really well for us, husband probably does/has done more childcare than me due to his days off/late starts on shifts and I enjoy having a couple of evenings to myself once DC are in bed. Weekends you’ll need to be organised to get out and do things if he’s working so you’re not at a loose end.

Also I don’t agree re your career taking a back seat, I’m a much higher earner, it will largely depend on your DH and if he’s willing to contribute to family life 50/50. But if he’s not I don’t think being a police officer or not would make a difference.

the biggest downside is the night shifts, they are a killer on my DH, especially as he has gotten older.

In my experience
Plus points:
Husband loves job and extremely motivated by it
He has lots of very good friends through his work
He can occasionally do childcare on some random days
Negatives:
We are like passing ships in the night.
He is often in the house asleep when I want to have guests/playdates so my social life has taken a downward turn!
He uses really annoying acronyms when he's taking about his day.
He is tired and groggy for at least his first off day.
Mealtimes are very difficult to plan. I don't bother cooking for him anymore as I never know what time he will be home. Sometimes he literally works 12hrs longer than he should!

I have neighbours in the police force and they get a full pension after 30 years, which is often early 50s.

I am the police officer and my husband is at home. There are lots of areas in the police which do suit family life, mainly more specialist roles. I'm a detective, I have an 8 and 6 year old (one with SEN) and I work in fraud. It's mostly 8-5 Monday to Friday. The roles are there once you get going x

I think when people talk about the great pension, they forget that officers pay about 500 a month from their wages for 30 years in order to get this lump sum at the end of their service. It’s not just a gift that they get given. Also the pension conditions are not now attractive in the way that they were.

DH was raised in a police family. His Dad was a PC years ago, long since retired. There was many a time they had annual leave organised, suitcases all packed then his Dad got a call and had to go into work leaving his Mum to take three small DC away on holiday herself.

Not very family friendly, but neither is the NHS🤷

@Shmithecat2 How is that a relationship though? 8 weeks a year? 😯

Because we make it work. It's not permanent. It's a means to an end. It's not as if being together every day is a guarantee to a happy marriage, is it? We've been married for a decade, together 14yrs. We're fine 🙂

Police wife here. It's hard at times and with 3 children (last one lockdown baby) I do a lot of the juggling childcare, school run etc. However, we try and make time for ourselves as much as we can and the affairs happen in a lot of pressured jobs (I'm nhs). We're good and the kids know daddy's not always about but he makes up for it when he's home.

Who do they start the affairs with to everyone that has answered they know Police officers that have had affairs or their own DP/DH?
Just a curious question as there is so few female officers? On this Police training hes on now there is 2 women (very young , basically Uni age) and 20 men. It seens similar with the other courses that have ran too. (I follow the FB page)
All the instructors and sergeants are make too.
Just genuinely interested, it cant be civilians can it?!

**sorry typing with left hand on mobile phone = typos And grammar mistakes! ^^

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