Page 3 | To be nosy and ask if anyone is a Police wife here?

Shmithecat2 · 01/06/2022 09:21

I know 2 couples - MET police/police officer and MET SFO19/part time working mum. Both happy enough, but both do/did have a lot of grandparent support when their kids were preschoolers. No affairs. It's a rythym you have to get into wrt shifts etc but it can be done! Kids are happy. My dh isn't police but we only see him for approx 8 weeks a year as he works in another country. You just need to get on with it.

Cherrytree333 · 01/06/2022 09:34

Macbeth8 · 31/05/2022 22:25

My DH has taken on this new career path.
Hes had to do a 17 week training course which includes most weekends! He will hardly see us for the next four months.
Weirdly, met a woman at dds art club whose husband is a Detective..got talking to her and her words being a police wife is extremely hard! She then went on to mention all the affairs they have which is rife in the force!
This really hit me..Im already feeling low/worried. Not to mention I honestly feel like a single mum and its only been 3 days since hes gone away 😢
AIBU to think bad thoughts now about his new career?

I don’t wish to de rail the thread, but saying you ‘feel like a single mum’ after being on your own for 3 days does sound disrespectful to actual genuine single mums.

Whilst I understand you likely didn’t mean your comment that way, as a single mum (and I guess I can speak for others), we are on our own continuously! Day, night, weekend in, weekend out. We also don’t have the advantage of a second income, or to know we can get emotional support from our partners, even if that support means it’s on the end of the phone if they’re working away.

popandchoc · 01/06/2022 09:39

Probably won't help but i was a police wife and we ended up divorcing and he married someone he works with. It was hard with the shifts. He has changed role slightly now which is better for him seeing the kids.

Cherrytree333 · 01/06/2022 09:40

pinkstripeycat · 31/05/2022 22:39

I have been a police officer’s wife for 15 years. Before that I was an army wife (same DH) for 12 years.
Army is easier as you know where you stand with the job and army life is a family all by itself.
My DH was so absorbed he couldn’t leave the police job at the front door. He still can’t. It’s highly pressurised as they are so few of them.
I’ve brought my kids up as a single mum (DC1 was 2 and I was pregnant with DC2 when DH was training) and ran the home alone even though DH has been around more as a police officer.
He’s never had an affair (as far as I know).
Try and meet your DH colleagues and meet some police wives if you can. They are a great support and the only ones who will understand.
In my own experience it’s a great career for the copper (although the salary rarely goes up) to but no so much for the family.

With respect, you haven’t bought your kids up as a single mum. Please don’t compare the fact that you had a partner (who would bring in a wage etc) to the life of an actual single mum (or dad for that matter) who really do do it all alone, with no financial or emotional support usually from their dc’s other parent.

Shmithecat2 · 01/06/2022 09:52

Cherrytree333 · 01/06/2022 09:40

With respect, you haven’t bought your kids up as a single mum. Please don’t compare the fact that you had a partner (who would bring in a wage etc) to the life of an actual single mum (or dad for that matter) who really do do it all alone, with no financial or emotional support usually from their dc’s other parent.

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Yeah, I was a bit at the single mum comments. As I've said, my dh is only home 2 months of the year and I don't consider myself a single mum.

AllOfTheDwarves · 01/06/2022 09:52

My DP is a police officer and has been on the force for over 20 years.
A lot of how it is for the couple/parent dynamic depends on the role. My DP, in his current role, never has to work bank holidays or do nights, for example, which makes the experience more stable.
He does work days and lates and some weekends and occasionally does overtime. His shifts do sometimes change but he is always consulted over this and doesn't have to change if it doesn't suit him.
I would say it's far more flexible than the job I do and he can sometimes leave for parents' evening etc, especially if he's having an admin day. Warrants are arranged several days in advance so we know when he's likely to be needed for overtime/out of contact for the shift.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/06/2022 10:38

Not a wife but best friends with a policewoman. She's right about the affairs. Everyone's fucking everyone at her precinct tbh (including her).

Also the misogyny is vile.

Bigtruth · 01/06/2022 10:44

You can normally spot a police wife from the bruises.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/06/2022 10:45

I wouldn't say every policeman has affairs but from what I know from a friend a lot apparently do.

High stress levels don't help.

YerAWizardHarry · 01/06/2022 10:46

Ex police wife here. He’s married to a fellow cop now. Affairs definitely rife, bound to happen when you’re spending long shift in close quarters with people in tense situations.

Butterflystar76 · 01/06/2022 10:52

Police daughter and wife here… always said I would never marry a policeman!
However it works well for us, and I am very proud of the job he does and he is very supportive of me

nevergoingback · 01/06/2022 10:58

The occupation is one thing, the worrying about him having an affair is completely different why do you think hes going to run off with someone? If you are worried about that then thats an underlying issue and nothing to do with his job

mumonthehill · 01/06/2022 11:04

Police daughter here, my parents separated in the end. I think it can be a very difficult job and often they witness horrific events which are then hard to process within a family. They can become hard because they have to. My dad was in the Met and it made him someone I did not like very much. He was not around often, called out a lot and it does disrupt family life. Having said that he loved his job, a stable career and good pension. He is much nicer to be around now he is retired!

RewildingAmbridge · 01/06/2022 11:10

I'm not a police wife but work in an adjacent field and manage a multi agency team including police officers. Divorce rates are high, it's not family friendly, people who don't work on a very similar live of work just don't fully understand the impact of the work and why it's so frequent that you get home long after shift has ended. It's also the techniques you develop for your own emotional resilience at work don't translate well into a relationship. The only successful marriages I know if the wife is either also police, social worker, probation or grew up as the child of the above.

humptydumptysatonawall · 01/06/2022 11:22

Police officer rather than police wife- not everyone's experience of being a police wife/officer/friend will be the same so don't take "this will happen/he won't have any rest days" etc as standard.

It is a lot to take in, especially at first pity because there's so much you have to learn. I don't know the difference between forces, but we have to do a portfolio over the first two years which is a lot of writing up and there isn't enough time to do this at work.

There will be late finishes, it's unavoidable sometimes- if we lock up after the half way point of the shift, paperwork alone means we'll be late.

Days off in the week are nice, my oh has a shift pattern too so it's nice when we can go for dinner etc.

Affairs do happen but it's certainly not everyone fucking everyone where I am, I don't know how old you are, but I've found a lot of people at the start of their career are also young, early-mid twenties so it's a bit like a uni style vibe sometimes. Your H having an affair will still need to depend on opportunity and his choices, the same as anywhere else.

Original poster

Macbeth8 · 01/06/2022 11:52

@grosgirl

This is what my DH is doing! Becoming an AFO..Is your dh stationed in Oxfordshire? Has he started his course? I think the one that has started is running through the summer. It is so tough! Must be especially tough for you being pregnant with a little one.

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Overthewine · 01/06/2022 11:55

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Fionakl · 01/06/2022 12:00

Interesting thread. DH is thinking about changing careers and metioned out of the blue the other day becoming a Policeman. Not sure how serious he is but it would be interesting; I think it the months of being cooped up working from home has led him to think about more out and about active jobs.. Reading this I'm slightly concerned but would support him.

One question I have is are Police people ever off duty? I realise its not like normal jobs but can you go out and enjoy yourself not worrying about anything or are you always ready to act if needed? If on your leisure time you see a potential disturbance happening/ some other bit of law breaking would you feel obliged to step in even if it was in a different police area or could you just walk on by as members of the public?

Also is it advisable to live in the next county along to avoid coming into contact with people who you may have to question / convict? Are you always known as the Policeman/woman?

Restlessinthenorth · 01/06/2022 12:05

I'm an ex police officer. I'd say approximately half of my shift had affairs. 5 of my good friends all still in the police and married to police men. 2 out of the 5's husbands have had affairs. It's a perfect storm....spending hours on end in a car talking, experiencing traumatic situations together, lots of opportunities etc. i wouldn't date a policeman man

Original poster

Macbeth8 · 01/06/2022 12:12

Apologies about the single mum comment. It was said because I was a single mum when my teen was younger. We had two big break ups and it was awful because had no family around at the time. Also, his parents do a large chunk of childcare (when Im at work) so when we split they just didnt wanna know. Almost like it was some kind of punishment.
Anyway that is in the past, but just to state I know what its like to be a single mum so that was said in regards to that as I am doing everything myself at the moment. Not to mention, DH worked away when my eldest was young and I was not very maternal at all so it was difficult. Now, we have 3 children. Two under 5s so it is difficult. I am literally doing everything myself and I hardly hear from him.
It sounds very full on and intensive.

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Shmithecat2 · 01/06/2022 12:27

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😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 yeah, no. I mean, I'll entertain the 2nd family theory for a minute though - apart from the fact it's illegal where he lives, the authorities know exactly who I am (I still have residency rights there, we lived there with him for 7 years until 2 years ago), and he's the total opposite of a risk taker, he neither has the time nor energy. And if he did fuck me about, he'd not have the money either.

Unsure why it's not possible, unless he's in the forces, to maintain a relationship like that 🤔. Because we can and do. Becauae he's home once every 3mo for a few weeks. Because it's not forever. Because we're functioning adults that aren't co-dependant. Because we visit him in the holidays. Because we trust each other. 🤷‍♀️

AperolWhore · 01/06/2022 12:42

Unfortunately the lady gave a very accurate description of what it’s like to be married to a policeman, they don’t all have affairs but ultimately you will come second to the job

superplumb · 01/06/2022 13:10

I'm police. Never had ana affair. It does happen quite a bit but ime it seems to be young officers who live and sleep the job and its all new and exciting. I think you are either that way inclined or you are not the police wont turn non cheating people into cheating people....it just gives those who are opportunity .
You will both find it very hard at the beginning especially. Getting used to shifts, the pace the awful things you see...nothing can really equip you. My advice is to not moan if he does a silly shift ...I've done plenty of 24 hour shifts. Leave and rest days can be cancelled, leave not authorised, blocks on leave can occur too...dont worry about the cheating aspect is my advice

Justanothernametoday · 01/06/2022 13:14

Police daughter and ex-wife, my ex husband is now married to the colleague he had an affair with.

I would strongly dissuade my DC from joining the job or marrying into it, it definitely overshadows family life

ChagSameachDoreen · 01/06/2022 13:16

I'd never marry a copper.