To be nosy and ask if anyone is a Police wife here?

[Macbeth8]

My DH has taken on this new career path.
Hes had to do a 17 week training course which includes most weekends! He will hardly see us for the next four months.
Weirdly, met a woman at dds art club whose husband is a Detective..got talking to her and her words being a police wife is extremely hard! She then went on to mention all the affairs they have which is rife in the force!
This really hit me..Im already feeling low/worried. Not to mention I honestly feel like a single mum and its only been 3 days since hes gone away 😢
AIBU to think bad thoughts now about his new career?

I am married to a police officer and have two children under 5.

We don't live in a high crime area so to be honest, it's fine. My DH is a lot happier doing this than the mental health job he did before which was all consuming. He finds it varied and likes that there are lots of opportunities to try new roles.

The shifts work well for us for childcare because I work office hours, so I'm always here at evenings and weekends, and he often has days off in the week or late starts/early finishes to do school runs. In our experience, he does generally get finished on time; if he's going to be late it's usually when he is finishing late at night.

I've met lots of his colleagues and their partners at barbecues and things. He was keen for me to join myself but i've decided to stick with my own sector.

I am and I don't mind it. He generally does Mon-Fri now and daytimes but does get called away or shifts changed at last minute which is the most frustrating part.

They were flexible when our children were pre schoolers and he had a weekday off with them every week while I worked. They were also supportive when I was unwell and needed him home more to help. We all did find it hard when he was on night shifts keeping children quiet so he could sleep and he got ill a lot as was run down.

He's quite senior now so pay is reasonable, pension good (though know new one isn't quite so good), stable employment, great sick pay. He hasn't had an affair (and I do really believe that!) and says it isn't rife in the teams he's worked in when I've asked him before.

I have a part time and flexible job which helps as I am able to do the lion's share of day to day parenting like school runs etc.

Another for from a different perspective, I'm an police officer. Like most have said it's hard missing family events, parties, invites in general and Christmas but if your relationship is strong you will be fine. Communication is key and understanding from both sides. Sometimes I'll come in from a difficult shift but my wife has also had a difficult day with the kids, you need to support and understand each other. It's the best and worst job in the world!
I'm a little confused that the training is over weekends too? I've never heard of that? Initial training is usually conducted Mon-Fri.
He'll have good days and bad days and if he doesn't feel like talking after a bad day understand that he's probably protecting you. We become quite hardened to seeing the worst in society and it's often easier to talk to colleagues who understand what we have been through. Affairs happen but they do in any workplace. Definitely meet colleagues- there's always a night out! Good luck, it will take some adjusting but proud of what he's doing

weird how many women seem to define themselves yby the job/career of who they are married to.
Semantics maybe, but I find it bizarre - surely you are the wife of a policeman?

I don't think DF ever came to see a school show or go to a parents' night. There were loads of arguments because he always missed any family events. I think overtime is almost compulsory so it's not just working a set shift as a PP says. Major events (and there's loads - football games, royal visits, political conferences) mean leave is cancelled at very short notice. There's also the violence. DF and DBro both hospitalised at times as a result of assaults.

On the upside, the police in my family were able to retire quite young on a good pension with a nice lifestyle.

@ThinWomansBrain I think "army spouse" or "police spouse" is a legitimate way of thinking because for people in the emergency services, military etc then the job defines life for the whole family. My DH is a software engineer - my life is so much more my own than my mother's was.

Same as @pinkstripeycat; I've been a police wife for 8 years and was an army wife before that.

It works fine for us but we do have a lot of family support. I work full time (teacher) and we have one DC and one on the way. You have to be very relaxed about shifts not ending when they are supposed to: that has probably been the most frustrating part.

DH is now a firearms officer and is posted away occasionally so will be completely away for three months this summer. I'm not too worried about the separation but we haven't done it before with children so I'm hoping it's not too hard on DS!

I should add, one of the things I've had to get used to is doing a full day of work myself (senior leader at secondary school) and then coming home to do dinner time, bath home and bedtime for DS on my own. During term time, it can feel a bit like Groundhog Day!

I don't agree with previous posters that your own career would need to take a back seat though: certainly isn't my experience or the experience of one of my closest colleagues who is in the same boat. We've both been able to dedicate time to our own careers but it does take a bit of juggling!

I am a full time teacher, two kids, married to a police officer. My husband is in CID now so he works Mon to Fri but he did sixteen years of shifts. It took a bit of planning and meant we couldn’t set regular days with nursery etc but we managed.

I do hear of affairs but I think it’s wrong to blame the job. Nothing forces people to cheat, it’s a choice they make.

I was going to type out a reply but you’ve just said exactly what I was going to say!

It can we hard but it has its upsides too. I’m used to the shift work, though after a three year stint on response we’re all getting knackered of it and DH is looking for something more normal hours for a whole, if the right role comes up.

People always go on about affairs and domestic violence from police officers. All I can say is I know the man I married, as you do too, and him joining the police 5 years into our relationship didn’t suddenly turn him into the cheating abuser he wasn’t beforehand.

Not me but my good friend.

I think it’s made their life very hard indeed and yes, he’s had an affair.

I don't think DF ever came to see a school show or go to a parents' night. There were loads of arguments because he always missed any family events. I think overtime is almost compulsory so it's not just working a set shift as a PP says. Major events (and there's loads - football games, royal visits, political conferences) mean leave is cancelled at very short notice.

This isn't my experience and therefore not universal, particularly outside large cities. Sometimes he misses things; sometimes i can't make others. My DH only does overtime if he wants to. I can't do much overtime in my job, so the extra money comes in handy.

No but a very close relative was in police and have a few friends in force too
IMO it’s a very misogynistic culture and yes affairs are rife

Just to add reassurance/balance from my experience as well - I think the job has become more family friendly. This might be force dependent and we are lucky but most of the time my husband and his colleagues have managed to get time off for family events without any trouble. I can only think of one or two occasions where his leave has been denied, equally I work in a job where my leave can be denied if there are too many of us off already. Late finishes are also quite rare. They do happen sometimes where he can be an hour or two late home but really late finishes (several hours late) happen rarely as they have quite a good system where the next shift take them off and pick up where they've left. Plus this only really makes a difference when he's on his day shifts as the other shifts he's coming home
And straight to bed anyway. Also the chance of him being able to make sports days, assemblies etc when our daughter is older I think is higher than when he worked his 9-5 job. My husband does 6 on (2 days, 2 afters and 2 nights) and 4 off so there's always more chance it will fall when he won't be at work. Again to add some balance - I will also be working and might miss some of these events so it's not just police who miss out, I think it's working parents in general.

www-policechaplaincy-uk.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.policechaplaincy.uk/police-chaplaincy-uk-news/police-care-uk-children-s-book-launch?amp_gsa=1&amp_js_v=a9&format=amp&usqp=mq331AQKKAFQArABIIACAw%3D%3D#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=16540702297793&csi=1&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.policechaplaincy.uk%2Fpolice-chaplaincy-uk-news%2Fpolice-care-uk-children-s-book-launch

This is a lovely book. May be good for your youngest DD especially.

I’m a police officer married to a police officer. Last year he was promoted and went back on shifts ( 2 earlies, 2 lates, 2 nights) which was tough. I don’t have any family support for childcare so I have to now work around his work rather than sharing childcare duties. Getting annual leave over the summer holiday was bloody difficult and he’s had to call in favours everywhere. However, prior to this he’s been non operational for 6 years ( ish) or done jobs that were office hours so a big chunk of childcare has been shared over the years. He’s done jobs that he could WFH. I have a “back office” job that I can also WFH so career options are not all shift based. ( I’ve not done shifts for 12 years - I haven’t worked a Christmas over that time) My career has definitely stalled but that’s not so much about his shifts as my motivation to do it anymore. A lot of guys do not choose the family friendly route - they choose the “sexy” squad route or stay on team on the frontline because they enjoy the uncertainty and the action. That’s not compulsory it’s a choice. I’ve worked part-time and I have a flexible working pattern. ( I work less in the school holidays). I’m not saying everyone can do that in every role but it’s possible. I know men who’ve worked part-time or done compressed hours. There will be a couple of years of probation and learning and then after that other opportunities will be available.

Police wife and police officer here. Sadly the divorce rate in the Police is shocking. It’s very unusual to find a couple that have been together for years. Affairs are rife. I think it’s got to do with the fact that you builds very close bond with the people you work with and that can easily spill over and develop feelings for someone other than your wife at home. You are often spending hours in a vehicle with a member of the opposite sex and a closeness can come quickly.

I think you need to be prepared to spend many Christmas days, public holidays, birthdays, special mention assemblies, school plays and weekends as a solo parent. The impact on family is huge.
Newer shift rotas nowadays lend themselves better to family life because they get four days off at a time, which we never did. You will also find he gets rest days cancelled at short notice and that he has to work overtime frequently.

Ive been married to my husband for over 20 years. This is very unusual. I can think of only three or four couples who lasted this long. If your husband is the type to stray, when he says he’s working overtime, you’ll never know whether this is true or whether he’s off having fun with a colleague.

I don’t want to be doom and gloom but the reality is that it’s not a job that’s conducive to family life. I speak as someone who has seen dozens and dozens of marriages go by the wayside. Him telling you his intial training is over weekends would be a concern. In nearly 30 years of policing I’ve never known this to be true. It’s Monday to Friday.

My now exH was in the police when our children were little and it worked really well for us as a family. with hindsight, not so good for us as a couple but it wasn't just the job.

It really depends on the 'type' of police officer you are married to - what area of work they are in. My H was a bog standard beat officer, based in a city centre. He worked a 2-2-2 shift pattern with 3 or 4 days off so as I was working weekday mornings it meant we only needed to ask mum to look after the children on his two early shifts and after his first night shift. Yes it was often hard for me as I had the children all afternoon and evening by myself but in a lot of ways it was easier as they only had me to listen to! None of this 'if mummy says no I can go and ask daddy' stuff! He worked 2 weekends out of 4 but if these were late shifts, still had the day with the children. Usually got Christmas Day off as neither of us like NYE so he traded.

H didn't work in traffic or CID and the crimes he dealt with were generally petty so the worst stuff he brought home was moaning about his Sergeant/Inspector etc and how crap they were.

I'm a police wife. Also a police officer.

DH does mental shifts in his current role, but we always make sure to make time for each other when we can. I fill those lonesome weekends and evenings with friends instead.

I grew up in an army household so I'm wondering if maybe I'm just conditioned to it!

The working weekends thing, you do know this is forever?
Im an operational civilian with the police and have been for 20+ years. I’ve always said that I was glad I was married when I went into the job because when you’re working shifts/weekends it’s very difficult to meet someone outwith the job. From what I’ve seen over the years the most “successful” police marriages seem to be the ones where both partners are NOT in the job, so you have that in your favour.

Some people, male or female will have affairs no matter what the job is, and some won’t, but police officers do get a real closeness with colleagues because of the nature of the job, spending hours with 1 person who literally can have their life in their hand.

The flip side of having a partner not in the job is that it can be difficult to understand just how much a police officer is “owned” by their employer, and just how much, rightly or wrongly, an officer has to accept orders without question, and this can put a real strain on relationships.

I'm a police wife.
My DH is in a specialist role (at PC level) which is very fast pace but he is protected from being warned for general policing at events which has been great. Gets all weekends off. Biggest ballache is the best constant court warnings and having to make sure every key date/event is protected. As he's on a small team can say to his boss 'sorry need to get off on time today' and it's fine. Lots of overtime, some optional some needed to get through the workload, but he can WFH for a lot of the paperwork stuff. Sees DC lots.
TBH, I am a doctor and his job is much more flexible and forgiving than mine. Never marry a doctor!

*near

I think the key message is don't be a response officer, they get f*cked over.
(Met)

Not a police wife but a police officer myself and my DH is serving in the army. Having had a precious partner who was in the police I think the Army situation is worse especially with the role my DH does. Quite quickly I managed to move into a Mon-Fri role which made life an awful lot easier.

Early on in our relationship I was concerned about how much we would see each other however we both agreed that it was important that as soon as there was any mention that a shift or deployment may change then we would let the other know. That came with a caveat though that nothing is set in stone & we don't believe it until it happens.

Overtime naturally happens at time and a third because response officers will regularly be off late. They can't just be like oh it's 5pm I'm finished now & down tools whilst being mid incident. The time and half is overtime on a day off - unless there is an extingency in place this overtime cannot be forced and it's entirely voluntary.

In regards to affairs.... I've seen plenty HOWEVER I'm seen plenty outside of the police too. If someone wants to have an affair their job isn't going to be the cause.

Biggest thing I've learnt is to make sure I switch off when I come home (not particularly easy when I'm often oncall) however if it's a rest day with no on call element I do not mention work & prioritise my home life.

Not DH but have friends who are POs and/or are married to them. Some of them have had affairs but tbf they probably would have done whatever job they were in. Those who started in the job in good marriages, still are! I think in that kind of job, if someone is up for an affair there are plenty of opportunities - doesn't mean they have to take them.

I was pals with a police officer when i was younger, i remember her saying they all had affairs, it was just how it worked.
@Macbeth8 , did you discuss this career change with your dh? I dont think it sounds like you had any say in it.

Another police daughter here (as you mentioned you were interested in that perspective too).

My father suffered a great deal with his mental health as a result of the things he saw / experienced / had to deal with as a police officer. For him, this meant bringing a lot of anger home, and he drank a lot. He used to be quite explosive / emotionally unstable with us as kids and would sometimes snap and say inappropriate things ("I saw a body today (insert gruesome detail)... so can you be quiet?!")

He still struggles today and my parents have recently got divorced after my mother realised she didn't need to put up with it any more.

You will know what your husband's mental resilience is like. I know this is just one experience. However, I would recommend that you are both proactive around safeguarding his mental health and are comfortable with seeking professional counseling if required.

The flip side is he now has an excellent pension...!

Wishing you all the best with whatever happens!