Partner has really upset me - is it him or me being sensitive??

[stressedmum22]

I've NC because there's a lot of personal information in this post.

The gist of the problem is I don't feel my DP is massively supportive with helping to maintain a work family balance and sees me as the default childcare, expecting me to fit in with the demands on his job and never have the status quo upset for him with his job.

We have a 1 year old. We both work. My job is a 9-5 with some flexibility around times worked so long as I work my hours. I work 4 days a week. His job is a nightmare - FT, long shifts, unsociable hours inc evenings and nights and weekends. We have lots of arguments about how his job impacts on me and means I end up with the bulk of the childcare around my own job (we have no family support so I'm very much solo when he's not around to help).

Last night we spoke about this yet again, because he has recently finished a week of night shifts and has to do more night shifts in July. Nights impact particularly on me because DD doesn't sleep well and sleep deprivation causes a significant deterioration in my MH (DP copes a million times better than I do so he tends to most of the night wakings when I'm at work). We spoke about it a while ago and he agreed to speak to work and try and swap these shifts with colleagues who don't have children (there are usually people willing to swap as they get a week off after a week of nights). Last night I asked if he had made progress with trying to swap these shifts. He said not yet but he's asked a few colleagues. I said what's the plan if they all say no - he said I don't know. I said could you speak to your manager to see if there's any flexibility given the situation?

He then snapped at me saying "what would you do if you were a single mum? You'd have to just get on with it". I said yes but I'm not. And there's no need to snap, I'm only asking what the plan is if no one can take your night shifts.

This is part of an ongoing problem where DP hates to "rock the boat" at work - he'd rather let me and the family down than ask for support or flexibility with his manager at work. He puts work and their priorities first, all the time. He often isn't even willing to ask at work what can be done to support his family situation.

I said I don't feel that you are supporting me here; you seem annoyed by me raising this. He said yes, he is annoyed, because he doesn't want to sacrifice his week off after his July night shifts, because it precedes 2 weeks of annual leave and it would mean he got 3 consecutive weeks off. Now he will only get 2 weeks off. I said Ok, but we need to work this out as a family and what we all need, not just what you want (ie 3 weeks off). My MH could decline quite significantly with that week of nights on my own, and I might end up off work sick. But as long as you get your 3 weeks off? Seems a bit selfish.

He then said "don't say I don't support you - I took time off work when you got admitted to hospital". Two weeks after giving birth I got admitted to an MBU in an mental health crisis situation. He referenced the fact he came home from work and asked for a few extra days off on top of his paternity leave, as an example of how he supports me. I was a bit stunned tbh. He thinks this is worthy of special mention? Isn't this just what any loving partner would do? I wouldn't hesitate to ask for time off work if he was admitted to a hospital, especially 2 weeks postnatally. Maybe I'm unreasonable there and should feel grateful, who knows ...

Also, by raising the MBU experience he's rehashed a lot of trauma that I have tried to bury. I drove to work this morning with it all whirling round my mind. He knows mentioning this is triggering for me.

Who is unreasonable? Is this my problem?

I'm willing to accept AIBU if that's the majority opinion. Please, please just find a way to say it as nicely as possible. I'm not in a good place. 🙁

@rainbowstardrops

The baby wakes me; and then I struggle to get back to sleep due to the anxiety of work going over and over in my head and the fact that I now have only x hours left until my alarm goes off and I need to be on the ball in that meeting and what if I fall asleep at the wheel..... etc,

So - a combination

I may have missed this detail but how bad is baby's sleep that even one week doing night wakings would have such an impact? And if it is that bad even though your husband copes better it is bound to take his toll on him too?

Op i do mean this kindly but it seems you are very much in a place of you're doing everything right and everyone else needs to sort themselves (promise I'm not trying to be unkind). Sometimes trying ti see where others are coming from is helpful for resolution. After first dc my MH wasn't brilliant and made so much worth by sleep deprivation. I got to breaking point so we tackled the sleep.

I look back now and feel sorry for my DH as thingd would have undoubtedly been hard for him too (although he was very supportive) as i resented the fact he was coping better than me.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable, i think you need to work together to find a solution as equal members of the team. Both your jobs are important, both your needs are important, both of you getting sleep and having some time to yourselves is important. If he was prioritising nights iut that would be different but it sounds like he is maybe reluctant to keep asking for favours at work. I can understand this too. Wishing you both luck and hope you find a way to work this all out.

I'm off to a meeting now, will catch up with replies later.

I can see how frustrating this is for you, but as a shift worker who does the bulk of childcare, I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Why should his child free colleagues cover his nights? What will you do if this isn't possible? How will he cope with the night wakings and working during the day instead? Both of you have to find a solution to this. Foe us it was sorting out the night wakings as I was literally broken by them within a couple of months of returning to work. Within a week DC slept through and we could then manage. If the situation had continued I'd have been off sick long term.

But can't you see he is becoming increasingly frustrated with having to manage his work around your mh? He shouldn't have to change shifts, or even change jobs! He isn't off on jollies here, he's working. I can see why he is highly frustrated. You need to work on a solution together- one that doesn't involve his job. It makes sense to get 3 weeks off rather than 2, use that time to work out something together.

I know how awful it is to suffer with your mental heath, especially post-natally, it's bloody terrifying (I narrowly avoided an MBU stay myself), but your DH does sound like he's doing as much as he can to support you and is really between a rock and hard place with work.

Unfortunately, no matter what employment law/government policy states, there comes a point when frequent requests for support/accommodations for family commitments will impact your career prospects and/or chances of getting another job. It shouldn't be that way, but sadly that's the reality.

I think you need to sit down calmly with your DH and talk through all your options - it's possible that as a family you need to completely overhaul your work/life situation with both of you making changes to facilitate your jobs and your health.

@stressedmum22 I didn't mean you're not doing anything about your MH, more that you're expecting everything to revolve around it. I get it, I've been off with severe stress induced anxiety the past few weeks, I have a toddler who doesn't sleep well sometimes, my partner has a very full on job that sometimes feels like his priority over me and DS, but really it isn't, he's just trying to keep going and fundamentally my MH is not his responsibility, it's mine.

You're expecting a huge amount from your husband - to risk his position at work (not his job, but how he's perceived, his chances to take part in all aspects of the work, the benefits he's entitled to such as the additional week off) all while not allowing your MH to be discussed because it's "triggering".

You haven't engaged with any posters about taking steps to improve your child's sleep - or how you manage your wellbeing. It's all on him and now you're having a go because he hasn't instantly changed shifts again. Honestly I'm not surprised he snapped if your attitude at home is as inflexible and confrontational as in this thread.

So what would he do if he was a single dad?
Bearing in mind you are in recovery from very severe mental health crisises, I would expect him to be much more supportive and aware of the gravity of things.

Ah. Apologies. I hope you manage to sort it out. 7 nights with a toddler who doesn't sleep well is very mentally taxing

I agree with everything Kettricken said and I have no idea why you are getting a hard time!
Bringing up your stay in the MBU as if it were a heroic act of his was such a low blow. It is clear that he does not value your contribution at all. I'd hazard a guess that at full time salary you would probably be the higher earner?
I've been there with sleep deprivation, it's hell.
Once there is this level of lack of respect for you and everything you do, even without the need to protect your mental health (which should be something he supports you with as a family team), I'm not quite sure how you come back from that without massive resentment on both sides. Could you suggest some counselling for you both? Or go away for one of his weeks off so he bears the brunt of the everyday?

I'd hazard a guess that at full time salary you would probably be the higher earner?

Yes by some way.

What do youcwant him to do give up his job. How would that help. He already deals with most of the night waking.

Is he going to be doing the bulk of the child care in those 3 weeks he has off?

It sounds like things aren’t working as they are, but unless he has colleagues that genuinely don’t mind and are happy to do lots of swaps then he also can’t expect to get shifts swapped to suit you either. Can he look at changing jobs to something more suited to your situation?

I've been there with sleep deprivation, it's hell.

Considering he does most of the night wakings, I don't suppose he is getting much sleep either.

As usual double standards.

Op is unwell, is doing everything she can to be and stay well.

Yet she should carry the load and her DH do as he pleases without making any significant changes that are possible - change jobs, consider his life as a single parent.

Perhaps he needs to use his time off to sleep train then baby, you know be a parent and support his unwell wife.

Fucking hell that’s an unpleasant post. What is your goal here, to ram the knife in? For someone who claims to have insight into MH difficulties you are extraordinarily lacking in sensitivity.

OP your partner needs to be totally on board in helping you stay well, just as he would if you were dealing with cancer or injury. It’s a family issue, not something separate and distinct from your relationship. And it’s bloody debilitating. You have my every sympathy.

The thing is, if mama goes down the whole family goes down. Staying well is every bit as important as paying the rent/mortgage.

Wishing you strength and hoping your partner can find a bit more compassion and sense of responsibility.

Honestly i think the mental health is a red herring

The reality is some of the responses on this thread are why womens careers are impacted more than mens when they have children

The dh has a job with is not family friendly. In order to facilitate this the op is told

His job takes priority (why when hers is more specialised/highly trained etc)
She should get a new job presumably at a lower level
She should drop her hours
She should sort out sleep training (the dh shares the night wakings, why it is solely the ops job to sort this out)
The dh will jeopardize his promotion prospects if he asks for changes to his shifts so the op should change her hours to work around his
If hes not out drinking then its fine at she is the default parent and to expect more is unreasonable

If the op worked the family unfriendly shifts it would seem entirely reasonable for her to change jobs after having a child, but somehow entirely unreasonable to expect her dh to.

We need to normalise fathers making sacrifices/changes to their careers to support their families needs, not just their financial ones, not just mothers

He sounds great and I can understand his frustration but the problem is that you don't have a choice about your mental health.

Also the poor sleep should hopefully stop soon and your baby should sleep better so it won't be an issue soon. It would be better if he avoided working night shifts until your child sleeps through the night.

I really don’t think “my wife can’t handle nights with the baby” is really a good enough reason for your husband to go to his boss and get off his booked in nights if it is part of his job.

If it is honestly that bad doing one week of the wakings then I imagine your husband is also struggling considering he does most of the nights usually. You can’t really have it both ways and say there is no way you can cope with a week but it’s no big deal for him to do that week on week with long work shifts on top.

I really don’t think this is a double standard at all, no one is saying OP should be doing 100%.

Op, I think there are a few issues to unpack here.

His comment on your MH was unkind and hurtful and shouldn't have been used against you. He needs to understand that it can't be used against you in future and he should apologise. Its damaging to the relationship and it impacts your trust in him.

Next is the practical issues of both of you working with a non sleeping baby. Do you earn sufficient to get some help for night time wakening? I had a similar non sleeping child so really understand how lack of sleep impacts. I did have to scale back my career as didn't have a supportive husband. I regret this as I should have acknowledged that I needed help. Could a nanny sleep over?

I suspect your partner believes that as you are signed off you should be better. Many men are solution focused and also self focused (aka selfish when compared to most women). In some ways I understand his point of view. Do you mean for him to swap nights forever or is this a finite time? Can you give him timeline for when there is a "solution"

Lastly, you are both struggling to adjust as the few few years post birth are incredibly difficult. Hang to the fact that generally after 2-3 years life does get easier. The period post mat leave (where you are now) is usually the biggest shock to the system.

I want to give you a big hug OP. You’re getting a bit of a hard time on here when actually what you need is a bit of support and understanding.

Your DH was BVU in making the comment about you being a single parent - agree with everyone else saying the response to this is what would HE do if he had to work nights as a single parent? Also using your hospital admission to score points was very insensitive. He needs to understand these comments are not acceptable.

On the wider issue of him working nights it is a lot harder. I agree if people are happy to swap and he’s only not swapping because he wants 3 weeks off in a row then he is BU. However, if he is genuinely unable to swap or it’s jeopardising his working relationships by repeatedly asking then neither of you are BU. It’s just a really difficult situation.

If he cannot swap - would you be able to book an extra day of childcare to catch up on sleep that week on your day off? would your work consider a week of unpaid absence if that was financially doable? In a worse case situation if your MH does start to suffer could you call in sick one day?

On this thread I don’t think anyone questioning what you are doing to support your MH or questioning who has the priority job is helpful at all. I’d just disregard those comments entirely.

That sounds really frustrating. It sounds like youre trying really hard to protect your mental health. Being really clear about how sleep has to be prioritised to give you the best chance of staying well.

How much does your child wake in the night. Have you considered melatonin to help with your sleep. Might make it easier to drop back off again.
It sounds like both of your jobs are incredibly stressful. Could either of you consider change of career or job in order to make family life easier?

My mental health suffers if i dont sleep enough. I have to pretty much write off the next day if i have a bad night.
It does sound as if there would be better solutions other than just having him do the nights.
I think that you need some techniques in order to not ruminate about work stress when you need sleep. Theres nothing you can solve at that time of night. You might find having a notebook by the bed so you can write down worries if you wake up, and tell yourself that you will look at these notes tommorow. Things are easier to deal with when rested. Anxiety might make some fixable issues feel like catastrophes at 3am.
Tbh the most useful thing for me for the nightime anxiety was actually doing a couple of mindfulness courses, as it really helped me identify the emotions and feelings without adding extra panic or shame onto them.
Medication is useful, but not anywhere near as much without strategies and toolkits like mindfulness techniques to self soothe

How was it unpleasant? The OP is expecting her husband to carry on all fronts and affect his career while she works fewer hours in a job affecting her MH (anxiety over enough sleep etc). I feel for him, it's incredibly tough living with someone whose mental health impacts on all aspects of family life. It shouldn't be all on him to risk his work life.

@stressedmum22 How often is your DD waking up? Have you considered paying for a sleep consultant? I would look at sorting out the sleep issues before giving up your career completely. Having said that, if your job is causing you sleepless nights it doesn’t sound like it’s making you happy.

Your DP was unkind to bring up your previous MH crisis. Hopefully he isn’t usually this cruel (if he is you should consider whether to stay with him). I agree that you should be asking him how he’d cope as a single dad. He would have to arrange his shifts around access arrangements, unless he plans to rarely see his child.

Can you work together by doing some sleep training with the little one? By July he could be sleeping through. It sounds like the time and/or money invested would greatly benefit your mental health, and the night shifts wouldn't be a problem if little one slept through.