Partner has really upset me - is it him or me being sensitive??

[stressedmum22]

I've NC because there's a lot of personal information in this post.

The gist of the problem is I don't feel my DP is massively supportive with helping to maintain a work family balance and sees me as the default childcare, expecting me to fit in with the demands on his job and never have the status quo upset for him with his job.

We have a 1 year old. We both work. My job is a 9-5 with some flexibility around times worked so long as I work my hours. I work 4 days a week. His job is a nightmare - FT, long shifts, unsociable hours inc evenings and nights and weekends. We have lots of arguments about how his job impacts on me and means I end up with the bulk of the childcare around my own job (we have no family support so I'm very much solo when he's not around to help).

Last night we spoke about this yet again, because he has recently finished a week of night shifts and has to do more night shifts in July. Nights impact particularly on me because DD doesn't sleep well and sleep deprivation causes a significant deterioration in my MH (DP copes a million times better than I do so he tends to most of the night wakings when I'm at work). We spoke about it a while ago and he agreed to speak to work and try and swap these shifts with colleagues who don't have children (there are usually people willing to swap as they get a week off after a week of nights). Last night I asked if he had made progress with trying to swap these shifts. He said not yet but he's asked a few colleagues. I said what's the plan if they all say no - he said I don't know. I said could you speak to your manager to see if there's any flexibility given the situation?

He then snapped at me saying "what would you do if you were a single mum? You'd have to just get on with it". I said yes but I'm not. And there's no need to snap, I'm only asking what the plan is if no one can take your night shifts.

This is part of an ongoing problem where DP hates to "rock the boat" at work - he'd rather let me and the family down than ask for support or flexibility with his manager at work. He puts work and their priorities first, all the time. He often isn't even willing to ask at work what can be done to support his family situation.

I said I don't feel that you are supporting me here; you seem annoyed by me raising this. He said yes, he is annoyed, because he doesn't want to sacrifice his week off after his July night shifts, because it precedes 2 weeks of annual leave and it would mean he got 3 consecutive weeks off. Now he will only get 2 weeks off. I said Ok, but we need to work this out as a family and what we all need, not just what you want (ie 3 weeks off). My MH could decline quite significantly with that week of nights on my own, and I might end up off work sick. But as long as you get your 3 weeks off? Seems a bit selfish.

He then said "don't say I don't support you - I took time off work when you got admitted to hospital". Two weeks after giving birth I got admitted to an MBU in an mental health crisis situation. He referenced the fact he came home from work and asked for a few extra days off on top of his paternity leave, as an example of how he supports me. I was a bit stunned tbh. He thinks this is worthy of special mention? Isn't this just what any loving partner would do? I wouldn't hesitate to ask for time off work if he was admitted to a hospital, especially 2 weeks postnatally. Maybe I'm unreasonable there and should feel grateful, who knows ...

Also, by raising the MBU experience he's rehashed a lot of trauma that I have tried to bury. I drove to work this morning with it all whirling round my mind. He knows mentioning this is triggering for me.

Who is unreasonable? Is this my problem?

I'm willing to accept AIBU if that's the majority opinion. Please, please just find a way to say it as nicely as possible. I'm not in a good place. 🙁

@Innocenta

Yes. It can mean multiple and various things, can't it.

a) It can mean they are dismissive and don't give a fuck.

b) It can mean they are take nothing in life seriously.

c) Or it can mean they are upset and scared at losing their long term therapist and so they make light of that, using humour to defend themselves against how painful and scary it truly feels.

Clue.

It's not a or b.

And rightly so? She simply asked him if he’d swapped shifts yet as per an understanding they have and was met with a load of abuse where he brought up a traumatic time in her life and implied he’d leave her! Negotiating childcare between 2 working parents is always difficult; it works best if you can both discuss it like adults where you go over all the demands and prioritise them and not resort to those sorts of triggering comments.

I am going to be try and be as gentle as I can here OP. Your DH does sound like he is generally very supportive and has tried over a prolonged period to ensure there is some balance that works for you as a family. I do not agree with his comments about your mental health, of course not. For someone who is already feeling fragile, that must have been a really low blow for you.

But, and there is a but...

I think you need to take a step back a minute and look at the wider picture. Clearly having a baby has had massive consequences for you-you mentioned that the baby crying for example is triggering. It is shit that the support you were given by the perinatal team has been unceremoniously withdrawn and now you on on the waiting list.

You mentioned your job often keeps you awake at night and is a source of stress for you. You also said that sleep deprivation is a massive trigger for you, which is why he does the night wakings when possible-you later mentioned that regardless of whether your DH gets up physically or not, the baby will wake you during the night at those times.

I don't think your DH deserves a medal for parenting, but I do think he needs a bit of recognition for how difficult this is for him as well. Whilst obviously the past year has been immeasurably difficult for you, I imagine your DH has had times when he has felt alone, stressed and struggled too. It must be very hard watching this happen to your partner and feeling powerless to help. Has your DH reached out for any therapy or support? Him snapping at you, whilst not OK at all, might be a warning sign that he is not coping. Don't ignore it.

I think you need to look at what can actually be changed and as unpopular as this may be, I think for your sake it needs to be your job, not his.

I was in a similar position (not perinatally though) when I had a breakdown last year. I was in a very stressful job, but it was secure and well paid. I trained for years to do it as well and like you, every day decisions had the potential to mean life or death. DH was the main care provider for the children for years, so financially I felt trapped.

I walked away. It has been huge financial upheaval. I got a NMW job after I worked for myself for a while. I am rebuilding. It is lovely to be able to leave work at work. I can spend more time with DCs and DH. I am able to give head space to hobbies long forgotten.

I feel guilty because I cannot provide the children with what I once could. My DH has had to put up with A LOT, including resurfacing childhood trauma-which seems to have been some kind of PTSD episode triggered by the amount of stress I was under. I have been very difficult at times. Whilst he has been very good, he has snapped at times. At the time, I felt the same as you. But now I am recovering, I can see he was under a lot of stress from it all.

I think you really need to look at your options in this regard. If you quit your job, you will be replaced fairly quickly. That isnt true at home.

I responded to you? Saying we had considered downsizing.

There's absolutely no need to be so rude, OP. I'm far from the only one to observe that on this thread. You have received criticism but you'd be well advised to consider thinking outside the paradigm you seem attached to - i.e. you are the victim in all of this and your partner is the only one who has done anything wrong, and anyone who doesn't agree with that is unsupportive and uncomprehending. You're not going to benefit much from this long thread if that's all you leave with (since it's what you came in with).

@Karwomannghia

Thank you.

I'm not sure why I'm continuing to be on the receiving of shittiness, but there you go.

The issue I posted about yesterday is resolved by way of a practical solution (shift swap) and an apology for a below the belt comment by my partner.

What do posters want? More problems to get their teeth into? 🤷‍♀️

@Innocenta

What? Where on earth have I been rude now??

You are receiving varied and thoughtful feedback. Not 'shittiness'. @stressedmum22

This reply to me is blatantly rude. I'm not interested in a lengthy back and forth about exactly how rude, why, whether you felt justified, etc.

Just consider that perhaps, just maybe, you are not the angelic, beyond all criticism, victim that you seem to think you are. I am not saying you are 100% in the wrong or that your partner shouldn't support you - of course he should. But you are really stuck in one way of thinking, it seems.

@Lex345

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles and I'm glad you've found a solution that works for you.

Yes the perinatal team offered my partner support on multiple occasions, all of which he turned down and said he was fine.

@Innocenta

I fail to see how that is rude? My view is that being flippant and using casual language can have several meanings. In my case, it's a defence against pain and fear. How is explaining that rude? I'm simply being honest and transparent about my feelings.

I have never once said I am "angelic" nor a victim.

I responded to your reply this morning in detail. That’s great that you have considered this option. I suppose the next question is…what’s stopping you from doing that? All other long term solutions are off the table as far as I can tell. Or maybe you have found an alternative solution?

Thank you. I know it feels scary facing up to this as a possibility, but I really think it should be something you look at. For your sake-not the night feeds or DHs job. But because it is a modifiable factor.

I am glad he was offered help at the time, but it is possible that now he is not fine. I hope everything works out for you both.

Sorry op your all me, me , me .
Your a family now 3 of you not just you .
You have in my opinion over exaggerated your situation. Your highly stressful job that keeps you awake at night . You were posting on MN while working yesterday. Your huge mental load , partner was home ( early for once ) again you spend this time to yourself posting on MN.

You have the mindset you can't do the night wakes , you cannot sleep train .
It's you you you , me me me .

Please speak to your therapist the most important person in your life should be your child not you .

You said the issue is sorted but what about the next lot of night shifts?

You might feel like it’s sorted but your poor DH probably doesn’t, he’s the one that’s had to lose a week off and he’s the one still putting up with almost all the night wakings.

Just because you got your own way on this occasion, it doesn’t mean it’s all sorted?

I've said previously that I've asked to be referred elsewhere. Im waiting on the outcome of that before I seek private therapy. But I wouldn't rule it out

I think this is a good idea.

It sounds like your relationship is at breaking point and your DH is trying hard to keep things together.

It is not normal that he can’t do a couple of night shifts every few months or he can’t go away with his friends because you need him there every night (even though you say you wake up too and can’t get back to sleep afterwards so him being there is irrelevant).

It’s very controlling and I think it’s nothing to do with the night feeds it’s because you think he’s out cheating or something.

It’s also not ok to constantly use it as an excuse for your MH and guilt trip into doing anything you want because of your ‘declining MH’ yet any mention of you going to hospital because of your MH is triggering and he’s cruel for doing so 🤨

If your MH is so bad then you need to find ways to help yourself.
Your partner works shifts - you need to get over it.

What you can do is realise that your job is what’s causing you the most stress and you can’t sleep because you have so much anxiety.
So instead of blaming your baby, DH or your MH - realise that you can’t cope with your job right now and it’s time to find a different role.

@Onwards22

You seem to be enjoying creating your own fictional narrative there.

I have never once mentioned going away with friends. Where have you got this from?!

You think I think he is cheating? Whilst at work?? Based on what, exactly?

I think there is some projection on your part in that last post I'm afraid.

I also don't "guilt trip" him. I openly communicate my feelings with him and ask for support with matters relating to the family.

Yes. PND diagnosed after both children (who were born 16 months apart, one at the beginning of the pandemic when we weren’t allowed to see anyone while my partner was a key worker and never here), medicated. Unresolved trauma issues from years before from SA which came out through depression and and anxiety even before I had children. Been going through this cycle since for 8 years now.

It’s exactly why I’ve been “harsh” on this thread. I went through a period of blaming my partner for everything, I cried when we went to work, I would have a meltdown if he had to work a late shift, etc. It eventually got to a point where I had to put in place solutions that didn’t rely on him to make me feel better. He did a lot but he can’t do everything.

It’s still a work in progress but once I sorted solutions out (for me it was going for a promotion but moving into a P/T role so I had extra time during the week to recover from stressful shifts but also had extra time to cope with house admin, etc, amongst other things), I found it a lot easier to cope day to day. That’s exactly why I suggested dropping hours; your partner can move jobs but there will still be the fundamental issues that cause you problems. If you reduce your hours, you will be less stressed, you’ll have time during the week to recover from work days, you’ll pay less in childcare which should hopefully reduce the loss in income from this a bit, and as you’re more well rested you’ll be able to cope with nights much easier as the chances are you’ll be able to catch up on sleep the next day rather than having to always plough through with work.

Op what happens when he's on nights the next time ?

I have never once mentioned going away with friends. Where have you got this from?!

So you’re not ok with him doing a night shift at work but you’ll be ok with him going away with friends?

I think you are both being unreasonable.

You are clearly struggling with the stresses of your workload if they keep you up at night frequently and cannot work (so take annual leave) if your husband is not around for night wakenings. You sound frustrated and fed up. Your DH did lash out verbally, which was both unkind and unnecessary. I understand why you are hurt and upset.

BUT you also need to take a step back and see it from your partners point of view- there is a lot of detail about what you need and want, and why but not that much discussion about his wants and needs. Your partner does the majority of night wakenings to help you cope, he works shifts and longer hours than you- maybe he is tired too and a week of uninterrupted sleeps followed by a three week break seems like a great idea to him- but because it doesn’t suit you, you demand he is to try and change it. He should really have said no- and said why - if that was the case but perhaps he feels that would upset you/cause an argument so it was easier to say he tried but could not swap shifts. Not the right way to deal with the situation, I grant you, but maybe he is as fed up with you as you are with him?

You said multiple times in replies to posts that his work is less difficult/ stressful/ skilled etc and I wonder if he feels that you don’t really think he has any stresses whilst you have lots from work and your MH, but resents that implication because he will have stresses and your MH will impact on him too. The latter is not your fault- when I say that it is not to place blame on you (you’d hardly choose to be in this position) or said to make you feel guilty as it sounds like you have sought help- but as the ex-partner of someone with significant anxiety and depression, I can tell you it’s not always easy from the other side of the fence either. You worry about them, sometimes you find itself second guessing over all sorts of situations and worrying about if you do/say/go somewhere, how will they react/cope etc. It can feel like a lot of take and very little give, and in our case he still felt like I didn’t understand/ do enough/ think about his needs enough.

either way, the reality is you literally do work fewer hours and no shifts, as well as having a slightly more flexible employer. It is more difficult for him to swap shifts than if swapping days off on 9-5 because that clashes are more likely. I suspect he doesn’t want to “rock the boat” by going to his employer and asking to be taken off night shifts permanently (because his of difficulties with his child’s sleeping pattern) because he knows it will not be looked on sympathetically. This would mean other colleagues having to take on his share of night shifts permanently- not agreeing to swap shifts as and when it suits them. I imagine the majority of employers would struggle to make that concession, especially when it isn’t due to their employees health issue (when they may be able to temporarily alter work duties) but their partners. I would avoid having that conversation with my employer too, in his situation.

Then you float that he changes his job, but maybe he is happy where he works. If your job is causing you enough stress to prevent you sleeping at night, I suspect it is causing you enough stress to be contributing to your poor mental health. Perhaps you need to look for an alternative job? It sounds like he’s the one being asked to make the changes- try to opt out of certain shifts, change jobs- but perhaps you both need to make changes?

I think you need to sit down and talk about it all, honestly and without blame, to find a good solution.

I'm sorry you're getting a rough time here OP and I'm sorry about your struggles after birth. I hope you're feeling more stable now.

It seems to me that this is a classic mismatch/misunderstanding of one another's positions.

For what it's worth, if he has to try and swap shifts for all nights due to your MH, can't mention certain aspects of your health without that being very difficult for you and does the majority of night wakings, he probably does carry a similar burden to that of a carer even if you don't want to label it that.

Equally, he loves you and his daughter. I understand his anxiety/fear at becoming a potential 'awkward problem' at work if he keeps asking for flexibility but it's clear it's needed here. You shouldn't be the default parent (and that's completely separate to your health issues).

It's good to hear you're back on speaking terms - it may be worth you both putting yourself in each other's shoes a little. His job is clearly important to him, is there a potential that he doesn't see your health problems as significant as they are?

On the other hand, do you recognise the impact your health conditions have on your family?

Good luck

I think you both just sound knackered and resentful which is pretty standard when you have a young child. Nobody wants to be the person constantly trying to swap shifts so I don't blame him for that, it looks really unprofessional. It sounds like you could do with a period of sick leave if your mental health isn't good. I hope your child starts sleeping through soon and then life will be a lot easier for all of you

OP, I read your post with interest as it describes where I was about 18 months ago. My DH and I struggled to find balance for about 12-18 months after our first DC was born. DH and I both work full time. Like your DH's, my DH's job is a nightmare. It is high stress with lots of late nights and weekend working. My hours are more predictable, but the work I do is still stressful and demanding. Since having children, I've found myself doing a far greater share of the childcare - I cover the nights, mornings and evenings during the week, and do a lot of weekends solo. This has taken a toll on my MH, especially as DC1 was a terrible sleeper and DC2 (who is 6 months old) is shaping up to be the same and I went back to work very quickly (after 4 months with both DCs). Like you, I felt that my DH was prioritising work over his family. However, after lots of arguments, ultimatums and counselling, I think we've finally managed to find a balance of sorts. Trying hard to empathise with each other was the key. My DH now does slightly less work and sets firmer boundaries around weekend working and holidays. The changes he has made have been small, but I really appreciate them, as I can see he is trying hard to compromise. I have been more understanding of the fact that it isn't my DH's fault that his chosen career offers such a crap work/life balance. Also, night nannies! It is expensive, but it is an essential investment in your physical and mental health, in my opinion. We didn't use night nannies much with my DC1. With DC2, our nanny does one night a week for me and has done since I stopped breastfeeding at night at around 5 months old. Knowing that I am going to get 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep on that night keeps me going. So, keep the faith, OP! I think you can find a way through this. It does get easier. In the meantime, book a night nanny and know that you are not alone in finding it tough to find a balance. x

P.S. I found many answers to your post to be quite harsh and demonstrative of a lot of black and white thinking. Don't let those responses get you down. It's just what you get with AIBU.