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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL possessive over my son

107 replies

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 22:28

I don’t really know how to go around this with her or if this is normal grandparent behaviour. I suppose I want to know if I’m BU to be fed up with her.

MIL and I have an okay relationship, we’ve had big issues in the past but we are civil and said issues have been left in the past. My DP and I have a two month old baby, first child for us and second grandchild for MIL. DP’s nephew was born at the start of the pandemic so MIL didn’t get any time with him as a little baby which I suppose is rather upsetting as he’s her first grandchild. Now that we’ve had our baby after all restrictions have been lifted we cannot seem to catch a break from her and her possessiveness over him is too much. Every time we see her she makes an instant grab for him, takes his bottles out of his changing bag so she can make it up and then won’t give it to me or DP because she wants to feed him. We’ve been out for a couple walks with her where I’ve let her push the pram and she’s power walked way way ahead of us with the baby (I can’t walk fast or far due to a lifelong condition). Just the other day we were out for a family meal and she got visibly angry at DP’s auntie for holding him and letting him fall asleep on her because she wanted him. She fully had a go at her in front of everyone and had a face like thunder until said auntie passed him over, it was honestly very childish. She will not stop going on and on about having him overnight which both DP and I have agreed wouldn’t be a good idea (she’s not very safety conscious and is incredibly forgetful, for example leaves stove/oven on on a weekly basis, will leave front door keys on the outside of the door overnight…)

Saturday we received a £150 gift card to a nice restaurant in the post from her with a note detailing all the items she bought for DS to stay with her when we go out for food. It’s like she’s trying to bribe us into handing him over and it’s made me really uncomfortable. My DP called her and told her she shouldn’t have done that and as much as we appreciate the gesture we’re not comfortable leaving the baby to go out as he’s barely two months old. She had a strop and hung up on him and hasn’t spoken to him since.

I don’t know what to do without it causing a row that I don’t want to start. She’s just too much and she’s causing herself emotional distress by expecting him to be in her arms 24/7. I can’t let this go on though as it’s causing me serious anxiety every time we go to see her. AIBU?

OP posts:

Basilbrushgotfat · 30/05/2022 22:31

Yanbu, she's batshit.

Just keep repeating that to yourself whenever she starts up. She needs to get over herself.

Keep up the boundaries and try and put some distance between you and her - you're still recovering from childbirth and dealing with a newborn, you don't need this crap.

Isitcake · 30/05/2022 22:33

DH needs to sit down with her and have a very frank talk. He needs to tell her your expectations, what is and is not acceptable and finish with maybe you can have him overnight in a year or two. Very vague, don't promise anything.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/05/2022 22:33

Of course yanbu. That isn't normal. Your partner really needs to lay down the ground rules with his DM.

Thedogscollar · 30/05/2022 22:36

Good grief. I'm a new grandma and I wouldn't dream of behaving like this with my grandson.

I'm his grandma not his Mum. Don't be forced into leaving your baby overnight with anybody.

OwlinaTree · 30/05/2022 22:38

She sounds a bit much. I would stick to your guns about the overnight stay, just keep repeating that you are not ready to leave him overnight yet with anyone.
I would let her hold him as soon as she arrives at your house, but if I wanted him back I would say - 'I'll take him now' and stand up and take him. If she tries to resist or protest get your DH to say 'no he needs his mum' or something like that.
I think the pram pushing I'd just let her get on with it.
Good luck op. Do you get on with your sil/bil? Could they offer any support with this?

Regularmumnetter · 30/05/2022 22:38

YANBU how bizzare - especially the £150 gift card (Like who has the money for that!!!) Is there anyway you could agree with DP to go low contact and if she comes round tell her babies gone out with partner for the day or change the subject if she asks to keep him.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 30/05/2022 22:40

DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER.

The £150 is her way of bribing you into handing over your child.

If you give her an inch she will bite your hands off.

Start saying a firm NO. Every. Single. Time.

Your baby, your choice. Put the boundaries in place now and keep them there.

Your DH can deal with his mother's tantrum.

BashfulClam · 30/05/2022 22:42

You need to remind her who his parents are. If she gets annoyed at someone else holding his say ‘we’ll I’m his Mum and I’m ok with Auntie holding him.’ When she mentions overnights Laing and say ‘oh no I’d miss him too much, he’ll stay in his own wee bed.’ Stop her grabbing him by putting him in a fling or turning away candy telling her to calm down. As long as you manage her behaviour she’ll realise she’s pushing things. Let her stew if she’s not talking to you she can silk like a child but she’s the one cutting off her nose to spite her face. Leave her to not talk to you and I guarantee she’ll break first and realise that the silent treatment didn’t work.

declutteringmymind · 30/05/2022 22:42

This is not normal behaviour.

Is she ok???

Original poster

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 22:43

@Isitcake I totally agree, but my DP is a bit of a sugar coater which means it never comes across to her as a serious conversation. When I say something to her she just says “I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way” but then does the same things the next time we see her. My partner did finally man up a bit on Saturday when she started to tell him to stop being stupid and just accept her “help” which is why she now isn’t speaking to him…but she’s text me asking me to bring the baby over Thursday.

OP posts:

GlitchStitch · 30/05/2022 22:44

The poor Auntie. Didn't anyone say anything when your MIL started having a go at her?

toomuchlaundry · 30/05/2022 22:45

I’d be moving if you live close to her

Regularmumnetter · 30/05/2022 22:46

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 22:43

SAY NO!! not until she can explain her weird behaviour

kweeble · 30/05/2022 22:48

Don’t go on Thursday - this is your time with your baby - she’s had hers. I would avoid seeing her alone - you need distance so she doesn’t ruin this special time for you.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 30/05/2022 22:50

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 22:43

"Sorry Thursday won't work for me. Maybe some other time x"

Isitcake · 30/05/2022 22:50

No,not bringing him over on Thursday, you need to chill out and realise we are his parents not you. Sorry to be harsh but you don't seem to understand. We still love you a d we'll see you soon.

Original poster

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 22:53

@GlitchStitch I didn’t actually know what was going on at first as I was talking to DP’s cousin who I was meeting for the first time but I could hear her just complaining at first that she wanted to hold him and then fully throwing a fit because DS was falling asleep on DP’s aunties shoulder. DP told her to keep it down as another table was watching and she tried to tell him that the baby shouldn’t be sleeping now anyway to which I said to her he can sleep when he likes, he’s literally 8 weeks old and that he’s clearly comfortable with auntie. Said auntie (MIL’s sister) then told her he’s tired and doesn’t feel like entertaining her right now. She absolutely hated being told in front of everyone and continued to press into auntie that she wanted him to be awake when she holds him because she “doesn’t see him enough” 🙄. Safe to say I won’t be going out for food in public with her again, it was so embarrassing.

OP posts:

LovePoppy · 30/05/2022 22:54

You won’t be causing a row. She will

let her fall out with you. Enjoy the silence until she can be an adult

until then, stop letting her run roughshod over you.

Tulips21 · 30/05/2022 22:54

Ignore the demands and say no.
Reply to her recent demand of " No we wont be over Thursday' Or simply ignore and block her number

Original poster

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 22:57

@kweeble MIL and I might be civil but hell will freeze over before I spend time with her without DP there. I feel as though I need a witness every time I’m around her at the moment.

OP posts:

catandcoffee · 30/05/2022 22:58

No this is not normal behavior. I say this as a very hands on Grandmother.

You are the Mother and the most important person in the babies life.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 30/05/2022 22:59

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 22:57

@kweeble MIL and I might be civil but hell will freeze over before I spend time with her without DP there. I feel as though I need a witness every time I’m around her at the moment.

Simple fix. Stop being around her. Say no. Shut the door. And let DH handle the rest. Enjoy this time with your little one because once it's gone, it's gone x

OldStyleIntroductions · 30/05/2022 23:00

Is this for real? If so she sounds unhinged and to be avoided at all costs. I'm a granny and wouldn't dream of acting so demented.

Anyone reading this thread who's not yet married, take heed, you marry a family not an individual. If his family are causing major issues, walk away and save yourself decades of anguish.

LittleOwl153 · 30/05/2022 23:03

I would take a massive step back from that batshit! I assume youbare on maternity leave. This is your time with baby - and baby's time with you!

I would say no to Thursday and any other time your husband is not around for the time being clearly she doesn't respect you so I'd keep well away.

I'd discuss with your partner exactly what you are prepared to accept and outline that to her the next time you see her together. I'd write it down so you have what's agreed to return back to and hold her to.

Learn to say no. Just no. She needs to accept that baby is your child NOT hers.

YarnHoarder · 30/05/2022 23:04

She sounds a little like my auntie, I'm one of the youngest cousins so my older ones were having kids as I was reaching adulthood. I remember visiting one of them when the baby was about 6 months old and my auntie (grandma to baby) wouldn't let me hold him longer than a few minutes or allow me to encourage play or read. She just wanted all his attention on her and it was hard to deal with, I eventually stopped visiting (visits were infrequent as I was 500 miles away at uni anyway) as it was just spent sat quietly making small talk. I know my auntie had some issues surrounding babies and little boys in particular having unfortunately lost a young baby boy in similar circumstances to my own birth (we also shared a birthday although I was several years younger) so I wasn't sure if it was personal about me or generally behaved a bit possessive.

I do think your husband needs to take the lead on this and it's his parent but at the same time if she won't take no for an answer you might have to say something yourself. Explain you want her to be involved but have very clear boundaries and rules. Reiterate baby won't be away from you for a long while yet (don't put a date on it) but you'll talk about it more when you feel ready. Don't be afraid to be a bit blunt, when she's speed walking away ask her to slow and stop, maybe even ask why she's doing this when you're all out together?

Don't go Thursday, while it's lovely she wants to be involved clearly the boundaries need work. Start meeting somewhere neutral (Costa, small park, etc) with a mental time limit for a few weeks so you're more in control of the situation and can leave when you're ready. I would keep any communication between you through messages, they're more easily ignored and replies considered rather than on the phone where she might be more likely to be a bit manipulative in her wordings.

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