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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL possessive over my son

107 replies

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 22:28

I don’t really know how to go around this with her or if this is normal grandparent behaviour. I suppose I want to know if I’m BU to be fed up with her.

MIL and I have an okay relationship, we’ve had big issues in the past but we are civil and said issues have been left in the past. My DP and I have a two month old baby, first child for us and second grandchild for MIL. DP’s nephew was born at the start of the pandemic so MIL didn’t get any time with him as a little baby which I suppose is rather upsetting as he’s her first grandchild. Now that we’ve had our baby after all restrictions have been lifted we cannot seem to catch a break from her and her possessiveness over him is too much. Every time we see her she makes an instant grab for him, takes his bottles out of his changing bag so she can make it up and then won’t give it to me or DP because she wants to feed him. We’ve been out for a couple walks with her where I’ve let her push the pram and she’s power walked way way ahead of us with the baby (I can’t walk fast or far due to a lifelong condition). Just the other day we were out for a family meal and she got visibly angry at DP’s auntie for holding him and letting him fall asleep on her because she wanted him. She fully had a go at her in front of everyone and had a face like thunder until said auntie passed him over, it was honestly very childish. She will not stop going on and on about having him overnight which both DP and I have agreed wouldn’t be a good idea (she’s not very safety conscious and is incredibly forgetful, for example leaves stove/oven on on a weekly basis, will leave front door keys on the outside of the door overnight…)

Saturday we received a £150 gift card to a nice restaurant in the post from her with a note detailing all the items she bought for DS to stay with her when we go out for food. It’s like she’s trying to bribe us into handing him over and it’s made me really uncomfortable. My DP called her and told her she shouldn’t have done that and as much as we appreciate the gesture we’re not comfortable leaving the baby to go out as he’s barely two months old. She had a strop and hung up on him and hasn’t spoken to him since.

I don’t know what to do without it causing a row that I don’t want to start. She’s just too much and she’s causing herself emotional distress by expecting him to be in her arms 24/7. I can’t let this go on though as it’s causing me serious anxiety every time we go to see her. AIBU?

OP posts:

Iamnotamermaid · 30/05/2022 23:09

She most definitely needs winding in. Some big boundaries need to be put in place & expectations managed here, plus a bit of respect for you as his mother. She does not grab him, she asks if she can hold him.

He is your son and you decide when MIL can see him. Return the £150 gift card with thanks but no thanks. Let her sulk - she has been completely out of order.

shas19 · 30/05/2022 23:10

This stops now. Don't worry about upsetting her. She's not worried about upsetting you when she's hogging your newborn baby and bribing you to go out and leave him. Just tell her this behaviour isn't acceptable and it stops now, you'll always be his nan but not his parent and to take a step back. You appreciate the help and spoiling him but there are boundaries she needs to respect. Your husband needs to put his foot down as she's his mum but if he won't then that's a discussion you will need to have with him also. She definitely sounds mental though so probably won't go down well but don't make yourself feel uncomfortable just to keep the peace! Enjoy YOUR baby on YOUR terms!

namnamnam22 · 30/05/2022 23:11

My DD was born in September last year and honestly the first time you say no to a family member will be the hardest but it’s worth it. My DM was very overpowering and I felt horrible that I might hurt her feelings but she’s MY child. Honestly once you stand up to people once it’s a walk in the park from then on x

BreadInCaptivity · 30/05/2022 23:16

Firstly you need to talk to your DH and tell him quite clearly you are not having this precious time as a family ruined by his mother.

That means he needs a very straight adult conversation with her to say:

you will not be leaving the baby in her sole care for hours, never mind overnight

she needs to pack in the manipulative "gifts"

if you go out with her again and there is another embarrassing scene then you won't go out with her again ever

She's been a parent and needs to back off overall - she's not the star of this show. No more stealing the bottles and she gets to hold baby and hand them back when parents say so. If she refuses/sulks/strops then she doesn't hold him at all.

If she can't agree to this then it's not a negotiation and she doesn't see any of you until she starts behaving appropriately.

If she agrees then flouts then rules then the boundaries get even firmer.

It's good she wants to be involved and cares, but she's massively over-stepping and you need to nip this in the bud now or prepare for years of stress.

Her behaviour is not normal nor is it sustainable. Both my parents and in laws were very (still are) active in their grandchildrens's lives but leave the parenting to me and DH and have never, ever behaved in the ways you describe.

That why when the children were tiny we were happy to hand them over for cuddles because we knew they would always hand them back, never make a scene if asked to do so.

Your MIL is setting up a situation that's hurting everyone, including herself.

Original poster

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 23:17

Just so you all know, Thursday is not happening at all. Not even just for the fact that I need some distance from her and to distance her from my son a little bit but because my own mother actually hasn’t seen him in a while as she’s been away. I know it sound very “my mum is better than yours” but my mum is nothing like this and DS is her first grandchild. She’s of course excited and I’ll be honest as she’s my mum I was expecting her to over step a little bit but she asks me or DP every time before lifting him out of his pram/car seat and actually does things to be helpful. Even DP says he would be 100% comfortably leaving DS with my mum because being a grandmother hasn’t made her crazy.

We left DS once with MIL for less than 5 minutes to pop to a cash machine on the corner, DS was fast asleep in his pram when we left and when we came back he was awake and being bounced around and sung to by MIL. I can’t trust her to let my baby sleep more than anything.

OP posts:

mrsfollowill · 30/05/2022 23:18

I always remember MIL saying to me (in all seriousness) that if DH and I both died our DS should go and live with her as children 'belong' with their fathers family. Yes MIL you are 75 yrs old and FIL has dementia- would be perfect!
Never mind DH's brother/my sister who had young families and would be an obvious option.
Bloody hell she is still going and will be 90 soon! DS is a full grown adult these days so not an option. She is so blunt - it's lucky I'm v easy going- she once said to me - MrsFollowill- you are a fattish [how is that even a word!] woman! how do you feel about XYZ? I told her to bugger off
Seriously be blunt with her - he is not 'hers' he is your DS- I once said this to MIL- she had her time with her babies (she had 5!) I wanted my time with my DS and it's what's up to me! I also reminded her how her own MIL treated her (as she moaned about it all the time) so how would you feel if your mil said this to you?

declutteringmymind · 30/05/2022 23:19

Maybe your mum can look after him while you go for that meal.

Aria2015 · 30/05/2022 23:23

@peachy3 you have my sympathies. My in-laws got me British Airways vouchers in a bid to get rid of me and leave my lo with them! It's was very overwhelming. I suffered in silence and really wish I hadn't. Boundaries are so important. Get your dh to step in and set some asap.

Original poster

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 23:25

@declutteringmymind £150 gift card is going straight back to her. I’m not selling my son for a meal that I wouldn’t enjoy know my son is probably knackered and being played with like a toy at crazy grandmas house😅

OP posts:

DuggeeHugPlease · 31/05/2022 00:14

If you want to go for the meal (and I get you may not yet) I'd go but leave DS with your mum. Then when MIL asks you when she can babysit while you go out for dinner you can just say casually oh we went last week - was a lovely meal thank you again for the voucher.

MinnieGirl · 31/05/2022 08:10

If she leaves the stove on once a week and her keys in the door, there is no way on earth my child would ever be left alone with her. And that’s without her crazy behaviour.
And I would be very blunt in telling her that.
Nor would I be seeing her so often. If she kicks up a fuss, tell her you are not putting up with her nonsense and she will see baby on your terms if she behaves.
This is your precious baby not hers.
Can you move?

Bobbins36 · 31/05/2022 08:14

@peachy3 tell her Thursday doesn’t work for you. Start saying no, it will get easier the more you do it! She sounds batshit YANBU!

JennyForeigner · 31/05/2022 08:19

That restaurant thing is so weird.

YANNNBU.

Roselilly36 · 31/05/2022 08:20

It’s DP mum, let him talk to her. If she refuses to listen, that is her problem and will mean she will see less you you all. Probably a bit of over enthusiasm, but it’s your baby, of course you don’t want him to stay over with MIL why he is so tiny. Help and support is fantastic but this way over the top. Good luck and many congrats on your baby boy.

Zonder · 31/05/2022 08:41

I'd keep the restaurant voucher and go for dinner but take baby in a car seat. We did that lots when ours were little. They slept, we had a nice time and nobody even noticed they were there.

Hathertonhariden · 31/05/2022 08:51

My exMIL was exactly the same. She also used to undress dd and redress her in something she'd bought whenever we saw her. Xh would never say anything to her and she justified all her actions by saying her own dcs were horrendous as small children so she was robbed of having the nice experiences she was having with my dc.

She was a major factor in our divorce.

Sexnotgender · 31/05/2022 09:09

8 weeks old and she’s pushing for overnights? Fucking hell she’s a lunatic.

You need to start pushing back. This is such a precious time in your babies life, don’t let her ruin it.

SallyWD · 31/05/2022 09:27

I'm all for encouraging good relationships with the grandparents but this is too much. Your baby is tiny and your first child. She needs to understand you're not going to part with him for now. Maybe when he's older you might welcome a child free night but only when you're ready and comfortable with it. I really don't understand these grandparents that are obsessed with having babies overnight. Sleeping with a newborn is hell! Why on earth do they want to do it?! Sorry OP - your DP needs to be very firm with her no matter how upset she gets.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2022 09:40

You need to be more assertive.

As soon as you realised MIL was badgering Aunt you say to Aunt "actually I'LL have him when you've had enough cuddles" and then you keep him with you.

Can you sling wear when you do visit?

Buy a cheap little lock for the nappy bag or leave the feed in the car until its needed.

Let her sulk

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 31/05/2022 09:55

DuggeeHugPlease · 31/05/2022 00:14

Oh, I do like that. She can't say anything about it as she'd be admitting it was a bribe to get access to the bairn. Lovely stuff.

CaptSkippy · 31/05/2022 09:57

OP, with everything you describe, especially with the stove and keys, could it be that there is something going on like dementia or alzheimer's?

Calphurnia88 · 31/05/2022 11:17

Agree with everything that other posters have said.

Just came to add that it's a real bugbear of mine when family insist keeping DC awake for their own entertainment, especially since he's at an age where he needs to nap regularly to avoid getting overtired.

It's one of the reasons I don't want certain family members to babysit as I don't think they understand what looking after a baby actually entails.

Basilbrushgotfat · 31/05/2022 11:19

CaptSkippy · 31/05/2022 09:57

OP, with everything you describe, especially with the stove and keys, could it be that there is something going on like dementia or alzheimer's?

Very good point. Dementia and associated diseases often lead to mood swings and aggressive behaviour too.

Borisblondboufant · 31/05/2022 11:44

I know someone who thought that her grandchildren were basically another chance to have another go at parenting.
she had been quite a distant parent because of circumstances at the time. When GC was announced she rearranged her whole house for the baby (and subsequent babies). The few times she had them overnight she would force babies/toddlers to sleep in her bed even though they didn’t want to.
When she was babysitting she would drive child one hour home to hers to play mummy. Parents very much took control and she does see them lots but there are guidelines now.
children aren’t toys.

SlatsandFlaps · 31/05/2022 23:36

She sounds like she's going senile or whatever the official/pc term is for that.

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