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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL possessive over my son

107 replies

peachy3 · 30/05/2022 22:28

I don’t really know how to go around this with her or if this is normal grandparent behaviour. I suppose I want to know if I’m BU to be fed up with her.

MIL and I have an okay relationship, we’ve had big issues in the past but we are civil and said issues have been left in the past. My DP and I have a two month old baby, first child for us and second grandchild for MIL. DP’s nephew was born at the start of the pandemic so MIL didn’t get any time with him as a little baby which I suppose is rather upsetting as he’s her first grandchild. Now that we’ve had our baby after all restrictions have been lifted we cannot seem to catch a break from her and her possessiveness over him is too much. Every time we see her she makes an instant grab for him, takes his bottles out of his changing bag so she can make it up and then won’t give it to me or DP because she wants to feed him. We’ve been out for a couple walks with her where I’ve let her push the pram and she’s power walked way way ahead of us with the baby (I can’t walk fast or far due to a lifelong condition). Just the other day we were out for a family meal and she got visibly angry at DP’s auntie for holding him and letting him fall asleep on her because she wanted him. She fully had a go at her in front of everyone and had a face like thunder until said auntie passed him over, it was honestly very childish. She will not stop going on and on about having him overnight which both DP and I have agreed wouldn’t be a good idea (she’s not very safety conscious and is incredibly forgetful, for example leaves stove/oven on on a weekly basis, will leave front door keys on the outside of the door overnight…)

Saturday we received a £150 gift card to a nice restaurant in the post from her with a note detailing all the items she bought for DS to stay with her when we go out for food. It’s like she’s trying to bribe us into handing him over and it’s made me really uncomfortable. My DP called her and told her she shouldn’t have done that and as much as we appreciate the gesture we’re not comfortable leaving the baby to go out as he’s barely two months old. She had a strop and hung up on him and hasn’t spoken to him since.

I don’t know what to do without it causing a row that I don’t want to start. She’s just too much and she’s causing herself emotional distress by expecting him to be in her arms 24/7. I can’t let this go on though as it’s causing me serious anxiety every time we go to see her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Coi123 · 15/11/2022 13:31

I had this problem with my first baby OP and it made me feel a bit unwell. I almost couldn’t bare to even be in the same room as her in the end. My husband had to tell her to calm down or it would affect their relationship. She wouldn’t calm down so I just saw less and less of her. With my second baby I had firm boundaries from day 1 and she was much better. Both of my children have never stayed over at her house (for similar reasons to yours) although now that they are older she will come to our house to baby sit for a few hours. She’s had her time with her babies and now it’s your time with yours, don’t let her guilt trip/coerce/push you into doing anything that you are not comfortable with. Your baby, your rules. Good luck :-)

SarahSissions · 15/11/2022 13:38

The reason you don’t know how to handle this without causing a row is because she is looking for a row. Whatever you do she is going to keep pushing until something is said and then kick off. At least she is being unpleasant to everyone, so everyone can see how she is.

stick to your guns, be firm but fair. Maybe ask the restaurant if your dinner voucher can be used for lunch and take your baby with you? Just use the voucher and tell her you had a lovely time- when she asks where was baby just say they came with you.

Mumof2boys17 · 15/11/2022 13:47

Ohh this is too much. Feel sorry for her that she didn’t get the time with the first grand child but she needs to calm down or she’ll push you away more.

I avoided this kind of issue by breastfeeding only. I know not an option or not always easy, had to see a specialist myself to keep at it but it keeps baby with me always. Maybe say you are trying a new parenting technique like baby wearing or something that way you have a reason to have baby with you all the time.

saraclara · 15/11/2022 13:56

Jeeze. I normally stick up for MILs when I can, but I've got nothing here. That's appalling. Is the aunt her sister?

I'm not remotely like her, but even I only had my DGD to sleep over for the first time when she was two and a half years old (and that was at my daughter's request, I didn't push for it) and if I'm visiting I don't do anything with her or my new GC without checking first.

There something definitely wrong here, and your DH will have to be firm.

Velvetween · 15/11/2022 14:12

I don’t know what to do without it causing a row that I don’t want to start

As a mother and in order to advocate for your DC, you need to accept that sometimes you will have to have the row. This is one of those occasions. You won’t be starting it - she has already kicked it off!

Kitkatcatflap · 15/11/2022 14:22

I know this may sound a bit of an odd suggestion but is there any chance of roping in her sister if DH is too casual and never has a serious conversation with her. Perhaps is your DH and his Auntie meet with her. Clearly her sister is not shy of telling her off and maybe her appealing to her .....imagine if someone had behaved like that with your first baby etc.

Out of interest is there a background story to her behaviour, I say that as I worked with a colleague and her MIL was strange about the baby, quite obsessed. When confronted, FIL said after their son was born she had a late miscarriage and lost the second. She had a breakdown and never conceived after that but longed for a second baby. It was a big family secret and my colleague's DH didn't know.

2bazookas · 15/11/2022 14:25

Stick to your guns. It's important for the rest of your DC#s childhood, that MIL learns NOW where the boundaries are and to stay within them.

If you give in to her now, she will escalate her possessive demands and tantrums for years to come.

WhenDovesFly · 15/11/2022 14:36

This thread is six months old. Hopefully OP has had boundaries in place for a while now and learned to stand up to her crazy MIL.

SafferUpNorth · 15/11/2022 14:43

ZOMBIE THREAD!

Really hoping the OP and her DP have managed to keep crazy MIL at arms' length!!

Cma1988 · 15/11/2022 14:51

does the meal gift card have an expiry date? Most are for one year - maybe you could tell her you are really grateful but you have decided you will wait to use until DS is older (12 months) and you would feel more comfortable leaving him for a few hours. Or you would use it and even take baby with you. Either way, I wouldn’t be letting her have him alone for a few hours yet let alone overnight. YANBU

MixedCouple · 15/11/2022 14:55

Ok her behaviour is extreme BUT I think your need to be diplomatic about it.

Be thankful for the help I had 0 with my baby. And use it to your advantage. The amount of times I cried wishing some one would hold Bubba so I could shower / eat / pamper myself.
Paternity leave should be at least 10weeks!!!

Allow her supervised visits for now.
Aaaand that card use it, go out to eat take her up on it once bubba is 6/8 months old. But go get Bubba at the end of the night / no to hers and spend the night. That day she has the evening with him and puts him to bed but then you are both there at night.
I would turn this around and use it to my advantage.

There will come a point where her health will be worse and she won't be able to help.

Yummymummy2020 · 15/11/2022 15:04

You are most definitely not in the wrong with this she sounds like a nightmare!!! I agree with previous posters keep as much distance as you can and I def wouldn’t be encouraging any meet-ups without dp. People can be so odd, it sounds like obsessive rather than doting granny and honestly there is no excuse to stress a new mother out like this. Your dp needs to do more and set her straight!!!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 15/11/2022 15:04

Is there no way that, unless there's a very recent update by the OP, Zombie threads like this one can automatically have a Zombie warning from MN added to the title, a bit like a trigger warning?

fairycupcakes · 15/11/2022 15:10

Oh wow if I was in your situation I’d be telling her that we won’t be seeing her for a while. Baby will not be staying with her. And that she needs to get some professional help. This is not normal behaviour. Genuinely, she may have something wrong with her and she needs to see a medical professional.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/11/2022 15:19

That all sounds intense :/

ivykaty44 · 15/11/2022 15:33

You need to sit down and explain that she is a wonderful caring grandma, you know her thoughts are in the right place but that if she continues to dominate the baby, give examples then you'll push her away and thats not what you want to do.

explain you understand she missed out with dear nephew but trying to make it up with your baby is just going horribly wrong

reiterate that you think she means well and want to say something so you both don't pull away

also suggest that if she is worried she won't know when she is dominating, then your dh will say something simple - like thats enough now mum.

be clear, kind and concise

Okaaaay · 15/11/2022 15:37

Her behaviour is totally totally unreasonable. However, it’s not rare. My Dad was a bit the same (not as extreme) and I’ve read a number of threads on here and elsewhere with people reporting the same experience. I don’t get it - something to do with control, power etc and it’s batshit, but just to say you’re not alone and neither is she in her batshittery.

N27 · 15/11/2022 15:39

Someone needs to have a very frank conversation with her and lay down some ground rules. Ideally it would be your partner, but if he can’t or won’t then I would potentially ask your mum to watch DS while you and partner visit her and have thee difficult conversation. It’s for her own good as if she doesn’t rein in this behaviour she’ll push you both away and see him less.

she needs to be told very firmly she is not his mother. She is a grandparent and comes se come in ALL things to his parents

FinnysTail · 15/11/2022 15:46

Yanbu, she's batshit

The very first sentence in the replies sums your MIL perfectly. I’m a GP but will never understand GP’s who WANT a newborn to stay overnight.

Totally Batshit!!

MeridianB · 15/11/2022 15:46

There is a thread like this at least once a month. MILs demanding alone time and overnights with tiny babies, pushing new mums to stop breastfeeding so they can take the baby, waking baby when she visits, swiping first experiences like foods, Santa etc, buying cots and prams ready to look after baby. Often all in the guise of giving parents a break.

You will get posters on here saying ‘I bet you will be using her for childcare, so you can’t say no to her demands’ which is tosh.

Her behaviour in the restaurant and when Dh stood up to her tell you all you need to know. This is all about her, not what’s best for your baby. If she takes him from you or someone else and you want him back, you should physically take him back. If you go out again, DH needs to tell her there won’t be any marching off. Boundaries are crucial!

Suggest Dh has a calm chat with her. Baby won’t be going anywhere without parents for quite some time, but we’ll be happy to see you when you visit.

MeridianB · 15/11/2022 15:48

Oh rats. It’s a 🧟‍♀️ ZOMBIE

MysteryBelle · 15/11/2022 15:51

Your mil is acting like your baby is her baby and she’s let you borrow him but doesn’t like it and wants him back. Totally bizarre. She thinks this is her chance to be a mother all over again and that’s why she got angry that baby was held by someone else. Insisting on a 2 month old to spend night with her? She thinks that’s her baby. She’s trying to keep you from being with your own child, because in her mind, the baby is hers.

Maybe fewer, supervised visits are the way forward. Once a week for a couple of hours visit, while supervising. I think her behavior sounds really weird.

MysteryBelle · 15/11/2022 15:52

Ah, a zombie thread. Good grief.

Hellybelly84 · 15/11/2022 15:58

Absolutely do not let her hsve your child for the night…my kids do the occasional sleepover at my parents but there would be no chance if I thought for a second my parents would ever leave the stove on or anything that compromised safety at all. If you are not 100% happy, say a firm no. It sounds to me like your MIL has serious issues (jealousy for a start!).

PurplePixies · 15/11/2022 16:02

@Coi123 why did you decide to resurrect a Zombie thread? 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s been 5 months.