MIL possessive over my son

[peachy3]

I don’t really know how to go around this with her or if this is normal grandparent behaviour. I suppose I want to know if I’m BU to be fed up with her.

MIL and I have an okay relationship, we’ve had big issues in the past but we are civil and said issues have been left in the past. My DP and I have a two month old baby, first child for us and second grandchild for MIL. DP’s nephew was born at the start of the pandemic so MIL didn’t get any time with him as a little baby which I suppose is rather upsetting as he’s her first grandchild. Now that we’ve had our baby after all restrictions have been lifted we cannot seem to catch a break from her and her possessiveness over him is too much. Every time we see her she makes an instant grab for him, takes his bottles out of his changing bag so she can make it up and then won’t give it to me or DP because she wants to feed him. We’ve been out for a couple walks with her where I’ve let her push the pram and she’s power walked way way ahead of us with the baby (I can’t walk fast or far due to a lifelong condition). Just the other day we were out for a family meal and she got visibly angry at DP’s auntie for holding him and letting him fall asleep on her because she wanted him. She fully had a go at her in front of everyone and had a face like thunder until said auntie passed him over, it was honestly very childish. She will not stop going on and on about having him overnight which both DP and I have agreed wouldn’t be a good idea (she’s not very safety conscious and is incredibly forgetful, for example leaves stove/oven on on a weekly basis, will leave front door keys on the outside of the door overnight…)

Saturday we received a £150 gift card to a nice restaurant in the post from her with a note detailing all the items she bought for DS to stay with her when we go out for food. It’s like she’s trying to bribe us into handing him over and it’s made me really uncomfortable. My DP called her and told her she shouldn’t have done that and as much as we appreciate the gesture we’re not comfortable leaving the baby to go out as he’s barely two months old. She had a strop and hung up on him and hasn’t spoken to him since.

I don’t know what to do without it causing a row that I don’t want to start. She’s just too much and she’s causing herself emotional distress by expecting him to be in her arms 24/7. I can’t let this go on though as it’s causing me serious anxiety every time we go to see her. AIBU?

Agree with others that theres huge early warning signs of dementia with her leaving the stove on once a week and her having aggressive outbursts. I would get your Partner to have that frank discussion with her about her unreasonable/erratic/possessive behaviour and perhaps a health check for her forgetfulness if she can be persuaded…although can imagine that might be a battle!

Would be interesting to hear from OP now since it's been 6 months since this post.. baby must be 8 months old now. How have things been with your MIL during this time? Hope you managed to establish boundaries xx

@PurplePixies it actually came up on my trending so I didn’t even think to look at the date, no idea why if it’s such an old thread.

Oh dear, she really does sound unhinged.

Tell her no to overnights, no no no. Even if she was a safe pair of hands you shouldn’t be pushed into it, and she isn’t anyway.

Unless you ever want to leave him overnight say the earliest date would be when he is school age. Tell her that every time she asks, you will add a year. She’s being childish so treat her like a child.

Buy or borrow a sling. They are wonderful. She won’t be able to just grab him from you. if she tries, scream and push her off you.

Think of a bottle plan, some way to carry or store them that she can’t just rummage in. I would say ‘Excuse me, keep out of my bag, thank you’ as you might say to a nosy child. How dare she refuse to hand him back to you for feeds.

What's with all the reanimation of zombie threads over the past few days? It's so annoying.

If I were you I would stop going to her house and wouldn't let her anywhere near mine. If your partner wants to go see her let him but you stay home with your baby until she can behave in a way that respects you and your child

You are the mum. What works for you and the baby are number one. No one else’s needs or wants are important at the moment, your baby is very small and the primary need is to recover from the birth, bond with the baby and get a good relationship going between both of you.

Anyone else can butt out.

It’s not hard to look at the date when the thread was posted.

Prime opportunity here! There is already an open ‘disagreement’ over her involvement with the baby. It’s a chance for DP to have a firm conversation with her!!

something along the lines of … you were rude to hang up. You’re behaving very poorly, DS is my and DP responsibility only and we don’t appreciate you trying to take control of decisions that are ours to make. You’re clearly very fond of DS but I need you to understand that there are boundaries and you can’t do what you please. Please respect that and try to control any impulse to take control in future!’

Theres no better time honestly.

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM 6 MONTHS AGO

I never understand Grandparents wanting a small baby overnight. I remember my own kids at 2 months, and it was exhausting!

God if DH wasn’t an only child, I’d be sure we were sharing a MIL.

Please put up good boundaries now. Trust me. Learn from my mistakes!

@Coi123
Ah, ok sorry about that. 👍😊

Of course. Apparently, not a lot of people know this, though.

Wowsers. She's bonkers. Stone cold bonkers. Why do some grandparents go like this?! It seems to not be hugely unusual and I just don't get it. 😳

OP buy a baby carrier or sling for you or dp to babywear when you see her. Make sure you're both there with her and don't be shy to put boundaries in place. And I'd be seeing her WAY way way less. I'm not sure how often you see her now??

For the Thursday just say you already have plans.

If her son can't be direct with her just do it yourself. Tell her your child isn't a dolly, isn't her baby or possession, won't be doing overnights, and to be blunt she's being weird. When she inevitably throws all her toys out the pram and sulks with you just enjoy the blissful silence!!

Is there any general concern about her if she's leaving the stove on, losing keys etc. Is this new behaviour or just her long term personality??

Keep up your boundaries and ignore her strops. If she wants to stop talking to you like a teenage girl leave her to get on with it. Don't apologise and if she wants to have a relationship with you and your dc she will have to play by your rules. I guarantee she will as long as you can stand firm. Once she realises that this is your child, you are in charge and won't be manipulated she will behave very differently.

I hear my SIL probs with her own MIL and thank god everyday for mine (her Mum.)

Your MIL is weirrrrrrrrddddddd. Good luck x

I'm a gran myself and the way your MIL is behaving would set my children of in no time. Grandchildren are the most precious gift your children can offer you, but there's no law saying you have a right to them. They're not yours, they're your son's or daughter's. So what you do is you wait till your child says you can pick up their baby. If and when your child lays your grandchild in your arms, that's when you know you must've done something right. And yes, I admit, I've been spoiled 💝

does the older grandchild live nearby as maybe suggest she visits her other grandchild

If I were you I’d ask my own mum to babysit and go enjoy a meal with the lovely voucher lol. Make sure to let MIL know how grateful you are :)

QUESTION:

HOW MANY ZOMBIE THREAD ALERTS DOES IT TAKE FOR POSTERS TO REGISTER?

ANSWER: YET TO BE DETERMINED

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I suffered with separation anxiety over my baby & the thought of anyone doing what your MIL is doing to you & especially 2 months PP where hormones are raging, ah man that would set me off in different ways. I understand she probably really loves your son but she is not respecting you and your DP as parents and really needs to take a few steps back. You are the mother, put your foot down in a respectful way and make it very clear that it is not normal to behave that way.

My SIL did similar things and would grab my baby and say things like "come to your mummy" or refer to herself as mum and she's honestly lucky I didn't choke her right there and then but no one has the right to disrespect you that way. I don't like confrontation but I couldn't stand it anymore and I made myself very clear to never say that to my kids again.

She is crazy. Do not leave your baby with her it’s not normal behaviour. She needs a puppy to mother.

I would just tell her that if she doesn’t change her behaviour then you’ll both feel too uncomfortable to be around her and she will see baby less because of that…

I just came here to say it sounds like MIL may be experiencing symptoms of dementia, with the memory issues and obsessive/unusual behaviours. Then I saw the date! I really do hope this lady has been assessed by her local memory/mental health service.