To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

[WhereDidTheYearsGo]

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

I think the "sad" reason they didn't put aside money for their DDs wedding is that they were too busy paying for a private education for her and their other DCs to set them up for later life so they could afford to pay for their own weddings.

Traditionally the bride and groom wouldn't have been cohabiting for 12 years and have their own well established careers. OP never led them to believe she'd be paying for a wedding, so why would they expect it ?

I don’t think you should pay for the wedding No but making some sort of contribution would be nice the cake or something

I’d maybe offer to buy her dress and / or the flowers. That’s what I did and my daughters Fiancé’s parents paid for the photographer.
My husband and I didn’t have the money to pay for the whole thing and honestly why should we just because we are the girls parents ! I don’t think it’d be reasonable to expect you to anyway especially as they are both working and you’re retired now..

YANBU

if you don’t have the money then you don’t have the money. Nobody should be expecting anyone to pay for their wedding other than themselves anyway.

if you can make a contribution I’m sure they’d be pleased but there shouldn’t be any expectation of you contributing.

@Dnaltocs jesus you’ve got problems! It doesn’t matter how they spent their money….it’s their money! They’re not responsible for paying….even if that was tradition!

@Dnaltocs do you live in the Dark Ages, we have moved on, thankfully

This from @LaughingCat rings very true..."It sounds more like you feel a bit guilty, as you have been used to providing your children with as much as you guys could afford as they grew up and it’s hard to change a habit of their lifetime."

Yes. This.

Not at all. I didn’t expect anyone to pay and my family offered contributions towards the cost. It wasn’t expected they wanted to gift it.

I didn't expect my parents to pay for my wedding, I didnt think it was on the table until we got engaged, and it was a lovely surprise. It was very generous and we very much appreciated it as we'd just bought our first home and we would have struggled to afford a large wedding.

I hope to be in a position to make a substantial contribution to my own children's weddings.

If you're in a position to do so, then I would at least make a large contribution but if you're not don't. It's really that simple.

👏👏👏

you have educate your children so they are independent and self sufficient

Supporting their wedding is not something you need to do
Of course- you can gift them something - but remember that you need to save money for grandkids and trips to disneyland with them, and your own needs as you age. I dont understand why you can't speak with them. My parents would rather put themselves in debt than refuse to support us at wedding time- but we can't refuse them as it is their need, not ours. It can get so complicated. I am sure a heart to heat with your children - XY and Z- I am going to give each of you the cake / dress/ a treat on honey moon is fair.

I agree kids want to fee equal
I would also like to add that kids may have multiple marriages ( or none) .. and varying grandkids .. so it can get confusing..

Your heart is good- hope you can talk it out and enjoy the family you made

the OP has clearly said she would help with the some aspects of the wedding both on her 12:20 post and one at 13:04.

We paid for own wedding but nothing parents gave decent cash amounts as presents on day of wedding

We got married twenty two years ago . We were in our thirties and living together . We didn’t ask our families to pay for the wedding
(Anyway that seems very old fashioned)
if they haven’t asked you to contribute don’t worry. However as pleased parents you could ask how the wedding plans are going and if they do ask for a contribution be as honest as you can.. This might help them to manage any expectations they might have regarding you paying or helping to pay for their wedding. .

i didn't ask my parents for a penny when i got married - it never crossed my mind to! do parents still pay for weddings?

I was very fortunate in that my dad bought my dress and my mum and stepdad, and PILs, each gave a sum, but I never asked, nor would I have. If you are going to offer to buy a dress I would give a value you are willing to pay up to too, as obviously prices vary massively! I got mine from Wed2B and loved it.

Times have changed. Parents don’t pay for Weddings any more. Nor do they give dowries (not in most British cultures, anyway).

It sounds like they already live together? So you’re not handing over the naive blushing Bride to her new family(!)

A Wedding can be as expensive or as inexpensive as the couple choose.

We have friends who spent thousands. We have friends who went to the local Registry Office and then hired a Pub for the afternoon and evening.

When we married in 2009, my parents (retired) paid for a lovely Hotel for our Wedding night. My husband’s parents (who are comfortably off) paid for the Buffet in the evening and Tickets for our Honeymoon. We were equally grateful for all of these gifts.

We had saved for our Wedding. Looking back, whilst it was a wonderful day, we got swept up in the hype. I’d have been just as happy with a Registry Office and Pub. (And having all of that money for holidays in the years afterward!)

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.
Stop worrying and enjoy being involved in such a happy occasion.

N.B. *I mean no disrespect to any other cultures.

I would want to contribute to my dc’s wedding (I have a ds and dd and agree that it’s old fashioned to only help with a dd’s wedding). In their circles, with many of their friends having gone to independent school with them very few will be footing the bill with no support from the parents.

I also very much dislike the ‘we paid for private school so my bit is done’ narrative. In most cases the kids didn’t ask for that or expect it, it was a decision taken by the parents. It’s pretty nasty to then say that because you did that ‘for them’ you never have to offer any help again. We pay for school for our kids but that was our choice. We’ll still be helping as much as we can as they grow up because they are our kids and that’s what parents do.

My parents paid and I was grateful. I'll pay for my children's if we can afford it at the time. We were given a set amount of money, we spent less than they gave us on ours, my sister spent more and therefore funded it themselves.

I'd give them a financial contribution or a budget for the dress that you're willing to contribute (and she can pay if it's more) as otherwise she may feel restricted with what she can look at. My dress was more than my self imposed budget but decided to sell it after to get some of the money back.

Everyone knows where they stand then.

Maybe the way to answer your dilemma @WhereDidTheYearsGo is to ask yourself some questions.

1 If you had £1M in savings, would you pay for / towards the wedding?

2 If your DD had only lived with this man for a year or two, would you contribute to their wedding?

3 If they were saddled with a very high mortgage, in a very pricy part of the country, and couldn't afford much of a wedding, would you contribute?

4 If they had gone to a state school BUT your finances were exactly the same now (few savings, I assume) would you pay for anything?

5 Why is a holiday(s) more important to you than a family wedding which you could pay something towards to help your children?

6 Is this a matter of principle ( I've paid for their education, so that's enough) or is it genuinely that you don't have much in savings and it really is either/ or?

FWIW many of our friends are handing over early inheritances to their DCs and we've done the same - passed on inheritances from inlaws directly to the children towards property. House prices in my area are through the roof. I don't know about where you live, but maybe the conversation needs to be along the lines of 'we can give you £x, do you want to reduce your mortgage or pay for the wedding?'

Blimey, no you should not. If they want a wedding they can both pay for it. Both my children paid for theirs.

This is an old fashioned view. Not many brides are 18 year old virgins who have never left home. I don't see why the parents should pay for the whole wedding.

I know someone who paid thousands for their Daughters wedding. They split split up a year later (she went off with someone else). Her poor Mother who was a nervous wreck anyway took it really bad and was quite poorly.

I think it’s a nice gesture to offer something but suggest an item such as flowers, dress, cake, cars as you can afford or an amount towards something maybe even the honeymoon. I’m sure anything would be appreciated as a nice gesture.

Dnaltocs
The brides parents traditionally pay for the wedding. Some save for many years.
You say you don’t have the amount of money to previously had. Why did you not put money aside instead of spending what you did? For whatever reason sadly you didn’t allocate some money to your daughters big day.

Not much to say, you spent the money.“

what tosh. Married 34, years ago, we paid for everything. There was never any suggestion/expectation of any contribution from respective parents whatsoever.

The cost of weddings goes up and up, although Covid put a bit of a brake on it. Average now £17k. I would offer a financial contribution and keep it same for each child so they can choose what matters to them in the budget. Definitely would not even consider writing a blank cheque for whole event. I think it may also be a bit unfair if not all marry, so maybe tell each child they can have £2k (or whatever you want to give) at a certain age, which you put aside for them for a "life event" such as marriage, first home or first child.