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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

412 replies

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 30/05/2022 19:13

My DPs paid for ours as my DM insisted she would. We were very grateful and they have great pensions and loads of money for their retirement, so it wasn't leaving them short.

In retrospect although it was a wonderful day, and I hope the guests all had a good time, it was a ridiculous amount to spend on one day even though we didn't go particularly overboard with anything.

It's absolutely fine not to pay for the wedding OP, unless perhaps you said you would all the way through her childhood. But presuming that's not the case and also presuming you aren't going to tell her who to invite and what type of wedding to have, then you have no obligation.

If you are able to give them a cheque towards it of whatever you can comfortably afford, I'm sure they'd appreciate that.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/05/2022 19:14

has she asked you to?
I think it’s nice to pay for maybe her dress- not the whole wedding

LaurieFairyCake · 30/05/2022 19:14

Who paid for your wedding ?

(If you can't afford it - and it sounds like you can't - you don't have to pay anything Smile)

Tiani4 · 30/05/2022 19:14

You haven't said that your daughter has asked you to pay toward her wedding, I tip of all else you paid for and are now retired with limited income.

So can't tell if YABU or not bc if she doesn't have Any expectations and it's all in Head about obligations the n we can't see how this is an issue

girlmom21 · 30/05/2022 19:14

I don't think it's very common for the brides family to pay for the wedding anymore. It'd be a nice gesture to maybe pay for the dress or cake.

NewYorkLassie · 30/05/2022 19:14

I expected my parents to contribute but that because I knew for sure they would insist (and I was right!). They paid for my dress and then we were selective about what they paid for after that (they suggested wine and flowers, but I knew their idea of budget for those items would differ to ours, so i let them pay the venue fee and also the evening buffet which I really couldn’t get excited about).

SickAndTiredAgain · 30/05/2022 19:15

YANBU - is she even expecting it? I got married a few years ago and never expected my parents to pay. Friends of mine who have got married recently haven't had parents paying either - some have had some contributions but nothing has been expected at all.

Mommabear20 · 30/05/2022 19:17

We paid for our wedding ourselves! My aunt bought my dress (her and my uncle have no children so bought me, my sister and 2 female cousins our wedding dresses) but other than that we didn't want, need, or expect anyone to contribute as it was our choice to get married! My brothers wife's parents paid for the entirety of their wedding, because it's 'tradition' and by the end of it they were barely speaking to her parents!

ICanSmellSummerComing · 30/05/2022 19:21

Have they demanded you pay?

My df contributed, I didn't ask him too, it was a very small wedding.

He also got us a Very useful wedding present that I was very grateful for.
I didn't demand anything.

With my own DC I'd like to think I could contribute proportional to what I could reasonably afford.
However I've been to so many weddings and I much prefer the smaller one's. But weddings are a time for family to come together.

motogirl · 30/05/2022 19:24

Contributing towards her dress is nice but wouldn't expect anything more

Ponderingwindow · 30/05/2022 19:27

You do not need to pay for her wedding. Even if you were flush with cash, you would not. I’m of the view that providing a good education is the only parental obligation. If you would like to make a contribution and are financially able to do so, make a flat offer amount and let them budget it as they wish.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/05/2022 19:28

Out of interest did your own parents pay for yours?

I think if you can it would be nice to make a contribution but if it’s 50k at the Savoy then equally expecting you to stump it all up is unreasonable.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/05/2022 19:31

I don't think it's very common for the brides family to pay for the wedding anymore.

I think it is. But obviously not the case for everyone and some have elaborate tastes.

But in another way it’s limiting - I knew df would want to pay for mine, so I kept it simple.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/05/2022 19:34

I am another one who doesn't think it's that common for parents to pay anymore.

I'm early 30's and engaged, neither my family or my partners family are spending a penny. Out of all the people I know, only one has had parents pay any money.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 30/05/2022 19:34

My Uncle paid for my wedding but I didn't expect it at all. My Mum paid for my dress, again unexpected.

user1471457751 · 30/05/2022 19:35

Have you paid for any of your other children? If not, then no problem although it may be nice if you make a contribution as a wedding present if you can afford it. If you did, then yes you should for this child too even if it impacts on the number of holidays you can have.

grapewines · 30/05/2022 19:36

No, you're not unreasonable not to, and she'd be unreasonable to expect it.

timestheyarechanging · 30/05/2022 19:37

When I got married 20 years ago we didn't expect any parents to contribute but knew they would want to. We ended up going three ways on the overall cost - us, my parents and his parents.
My neice 29 is getting married next year, my sister and her husband (who brought her up from aged 6) are contributing 15k, my lovely retired parents another couple of k but her dad is not contributing a penny - says he can't afford it as he chose to have another 3 children after they split - but he gets to walk her down the aisle. I feel bad for my BIL.

Songoftheseas · 30/05/2022 19:37

You are not obliged to contribute, but I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to if you are able too, even a token amount? My parents paid for our wedding and DH’s mum paid for our honeymoon as her wedding gift to us. We never expected it and were hugely grateful. I would like to at least partly pay for my DD’s wedding, should she get married one day. If not then the money can go towards education or a house but we want to give her as much assistance as we are able to. Life is difficult enough as it is.

Songoftheseas · 30/05/2022 19:37

To, not too - wish there was an edit button..

BrioNotBiro · 30/05/2022 19:39

The bride's parents paying is a bit of a hangover from the days when most women didn't earn much, once married they would often give up working, and they married from the parental home.

Happily thinks have moved on, so there's no need to carry on the old tradition if you don't want to/can't.

DinoWoman · 30/05/2022 19:40

My parents paid for my dress and contributed to my honeymoon as a wedding gift. I was very happy with that! I never expected them to pay anything towards the wedding.

My in laws paid for the venue and flowers, which was very kind. Whatever you do, it just needs to be fair amongst all your children.

SundayTeatime · 30/05/2022 19:41

I think it’s not usual for the bride!s parents to pay. It is outdated, and has been for years. A contribution perhaps -the dress, or reception, or honeymoon - if you can afford it.

AnnaMagnani · 30/05/2022 19:42

Has she asked you?

I would never have dreamed of asking my parents as 1. I knew the money didn't exist and 2. DH and I were adults with jobs by the time we got married.

My parents donated the invitations which were beautiful - a friend of theirs made them.

DH's parents gave their standard 'very generous' contribution - barely covered their plates. They could have paid for it twice over and not noticed the difference in their bank balance but we had more sense than to ask them.

Jeansgoals · 30/05/2022 19:42

I think a contribution would be nice, such as I'll pay for your dress, or we'll pay for the car etc.

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