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AIBU?

To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

412 replies

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

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hopeishere · 30/05/2022 18:58

It's up to you. Can you make any sort of contribution? Do you think your daughter is expecting you to pay?

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user1471505494 · 30/05/2022 18:58

Have she asked you to pay

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OrlaOrka · 30/05/2022 18:59

No you’re not being unreasonable at all. I got married a few years ago and wouldn’t ever have expected my family to put money towards it, I chose to get married so I should pay. Don’t see how she can view it any differently.

my dad did pay for my dress as a token but I would never have expected it and we made sure we saved and budgeted appropriately

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Littlemissprosecco · 30/05/2022 18:59

i got married at 28, wouldn’t have dreamed of asking for a penny, let alone expecting it!

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Coldnoseandtoes · 30/05/2022 18:59

YANBU. I don't plan in paying for weddings, I think it feels quite old fashioned to do that. I would offer to give a donation, but the couple choose how big/small they want their celebration to be, so should pay for that themselves.

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Picklerick42 · 30/05/2022 19:00

Has she asked you to pay though?

Most adults I know work on the assumption that they will pay for their own wedding with their parents making a contribution if they want to.

My DP paid for half of mine. We paid the other half.

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GinaDonatella · 30/05/2022 19:00

Have you been parents of the bride or groom before
if yes did you contribute to that? If not then now is the precedence to set,

instead of paying for the wedding can you offer a contribution or pay for one aspect

my mil gave me and dh cash towards the wedding my parents paid for the party part of the reception (DJ buffet) but we paid for everything else and I wouldn’t have expected them to pay for everything!!

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ArtVandalay · 30/05/2022 19:00

Of course they should pay for their own wedding! Is your daughter expecting you to pay? If so, she's being utterly unreasonable.

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dementedpixie · 30/05/2022 19:01

No I don't think you're obliged to pay for it. Dh and I paid for our own but we went abroad and had no family with us

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onlyk · 30/05/2022 19:01

Has she even asked?

Most of my friends paid for their own weddings or with some help from mum and /or dad. None had 100% paid for by their parents.

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iex · 30/05/2022 19:01

You haven't said that they expect you to pay??

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potteringinmysocks · 30/05/2022 19:03

Of course YANBU.

If you choose to gift a contribution that's your choice. My mum wanted to buy my dress but I absolutely didn't expect her to. Parents paying for weddings isn't really the done thing now. Years ago when people got married young and were just about to embark on setting up home, and the wedding reception was a buffet in the local social club then yes it was the done thing. But now days generally the happy couple will shoulder the responsibility.

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Comedycook · 30/05/2022 19:03

I think some contribution from you should be made if you can afford it. Pay for the honeymoon or the food or the booze?

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ArtVandalay · 30/05/2022 19:04

My parents did actually pay for our wedding, with a generous contribution from my in-laws. But we were in our early 20s and did not live together and my dad would not have had it any other way.

But times have changed and if we were in our 30s and living together and my parents were retired, I'd never expect them to pay.

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Shmithecat2 · 30/05/2022 19:04

I think it would be lovely if you wanted to contribute towards it, but you shouldn't feel obliged to pay for the whole event.

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lassof · 30/05/2022 19:07

Why wouldn't you contribute if you can? Point of principle? Don't like him? Prefer to spend money on yourselves?
It is, of course, up to you if you contribute or not. It would be unusual not to, so in the context of having paid for so many things, perhaps suprising. Equally, it would be unusual to pay for the whole thing unless it's cultural expectation.
So who's expecting you to pay for everything?

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MadMadMadamMim · 30/05/2022 19:07

I don't think it's reasonable for them to expect you to pay. Weddings nowadays seem to be a ridiculous price. The pair of them are working adults and can have the wedding they can afford.

It's a daft tradition to expect retired parents on a pension to cough up money.

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Trulyweird1 · 30/05/2022 19:08

I think you should think what you can do for all of your children, and plan to make the same £ contribution to each.
The days of brides parents paying for everything are gone, and I assume your daughter is not expecting that you would.
hope it goes well

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lovingtheheat · 30/05/2022 19:08

No you're not unreasonable. Your daughter shouldn't expect it. When we married 10 years ago we put money aside and planned to oh ourselves. It never crossed my mind that my parents would pay. With that said, my parents insisted on paying but I would never have expected or asked them to do that.

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AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 30/05/2022 19:09

I was in.your DD's position when I got married and it didn't cross my.mind to ask.my parents to pay. Just ask her what she'd like for a present.

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Comedycook · 30/05/2022 19:09

At the very least I'd pay for her dress

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Bayleaf25 · 30/05/2022 19:10

You don’t have to no, but I think it would be lovely to make a contribution if you can afford to.

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fallfallfall · 30/05/2022 19:11

has she asked and can you make any sort of contribution?
could you pay for the invites and postage? could you pay for the cake?
or take care of the pew decorations or table centerpieces?
be it a big or small wedding there are tons of "little jobs and expenses" it need not be the massive catering bill?

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Tallulasdancingshoes · 30/05/2022 19:12

My dad paid for some, dh parents paid for some and we paid for some ourselves. Plus other family members contributed various things like the cake too. We didn’t ask, they offered. But we were really grateful because it meant we had a bigger wedding. I wouldn’t have expected or assumed that others would pay. Dh and I were mid 20’s if that matters.

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AuntieMarys · 30/05/2022 19:13

I wouldn't pay for a wedding....waste of money in my opinion. We paid for sd's wedding cake, but did pay stamp duty on their house. Much more worthwhile.

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