To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

[WhereDidTheYearsGo]

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

Is she your only daughter? If not, you will have to treat any others in the same fashion. Money spent on weddings is ridiculous but, if she pays, please let her choose her guests, her style and respect her decisions. If your friends are her guests, be sure that they know it.

Well of course not, do be careful though. You really don't need to have a conversation unless she explicitly asks or implies and leaves you in no doubt that's what she expects.

I had never expected my parents to pay - both v good jobs at the time, never intimated any expectation either. Chatting to my Mother on the phone a couple of months after getting engaged and excitedly told her we'd been to look at wedding venues - when she asked what I'd been doing at the weekend - and that we were going to book and set a date. Quick as a flash her tone of voice changed and she said well don't be expecting us to pay for any of it, it was just so unexpected (as in I'd never mentioned or implied I wanted that, I'd just answered her question). She then continued to be frosty with me. It was so horrible and out of character.

I have never forgotten it. We kept plans quiet and top line for a while and in the end, she approached me and offered to pay for my weddding, I'd love to pay for your wedding dress!! Nearer the time my Dad asked to speak to DH and his Dad and suggested splitting it three ways. All very odd and it was probably the start of our souring relationship and as I said I have never forgotten it and how uncalled for it was 15 years on.

I’ve got two daughters aged 21 and 23 and my parents asked me recently if we’d started saving towards their weddings (at the moment both girls are single). I said I haven’t, and that I wasn’t intending to. My parents became quite distressed, and said over and over again that they paid for mine.

They did, and I hated every minute. It was a huge event, with extended family, family friends I hadn’t seen since I was little, a free bar, and so much waste. I’m a massive introvert, and have never felt more uncomfortable.

My girls have vague ideas of what they’d like. One wants afternoon tea as a reception, the other wants everything second hand and mismatched. They’re both introverts. I want them to have exactly what THEY and their partners want. It’s not our business. If we’re in the position to give them a lump sum of money (this may well not be likely), I’d like to give it after the wedding towards their mortgages, not just for a single day.

I’ve been married 25 years next week, and I don’t regret marrying him for a second, but I do regret the way I married him. It cost over my years salary then, and I’ve never been able to look at our wedding photos.

Ive got nothing against marriage, but I really hate weddings!

I don’t think there’s an expectation now!

My parents hosted my wedding (as in we put the marquee up on their property), but didn’t give any other kind of gift or contribution (I was a little surprised).

I was expecting a token from my in laws, but the gifted us the cost of the wedding. We didn’t know this was coming and it didn’t factor in our planning or spending.

So maybe a contribution afterwards would be a pleasant surprise? Unless they’ll struggle to raise the funds to plan it in the first place, then maybe gift earlier?

But again, no…I don’t think you pay!

I wouldn’t pay for the entire wedding no. Maybe a contribution towards it. Surely your DD’s finances parents can also chip in. The rest they will have to find themselves!

Unfortunately it was usual practice for woman’s family to pay as we were effectively paying DH family to take the daughter off our hands. This is no longer the case and is no different to woman taking on their DH surname on marriage - all patriarchal trope . So no you shouldn’t be sat wringing your hands worrying about paying for your dd wedding as surely you have brought her up to realise that is no longer acceptable anymore

😘

When I got married almost 30 years ago when I was mid-20s my parents paid for everything. My husband’s family were from abroad and financially couldn’t contribute plus only a few of his family could come due to the distance. My parents were very happy to pay and in fact my mum mostly organised the whole thing (with our approval) and invited all of our extended family. Had we got married later in life (when we were in a better financial situation) we would definitely have paid for it ourselves and also had a much smaller wedding with close family and friends only. I loved our day and no regrets at all! I think for my son (if he gets married) I’d offer to pay for some.

I would take a longer term view that what you start now for one off spring needs to continue for the others. If this is unaffordable, then it’s more than fair to say at this point in time, x offer is your contribution for the current bride.

it would be interesting to hear how much the wedding planning may be scaled back once the couple know what to expect. I would be leading the way on having a chat to them upfront… no more hinting.

My parents paid for my dress and the food. Very generous and we certainly didn’t expect it. I wouldn’t have wanted them to curtail their own lifestyle for my wedding so please only do what you can afford, and what you want to do obviously!

It depends in how they're talking about it, but I wouldn't assume talking about how expensive something is as hinting. Rising expenses is a pretty common talking point.

I can see why with the decline in income and feeling like your kids don't understand it might make you more on edge about what you 'should' be spending for them though. YANBU for not spending more that comfortable with, if at all on a wedding.

Married when we were both 30
Expected to pay ourselves but both sets of parents were really keen to contribute
They paid for meal,bar ,my dress
my godmother paid for the flowers
Was a while ago and I feel weddings were less expensive back then
We were very grateful

What did you do for her siblings? I think parents need to be fair to avoid creating problems among the children. If you feel like you don't want to pay for her wedding that's okay. My parents and my parents in law wanted to help out, and each one decided to cotribute something and my MIL wanted to pay for my wedding dress (it's a custom where I'm from, not sure if it's the same in uk), and my mum wanted to pay for her SIL clothing. But we knew that, we talked budget, and I chose a dress that was in my MIL's budget and that's it. I didn't demand bigger budget, nor I wanted to make her feel sad by offering to split the bill. I mean, it's a balance.

My Dad paid for my Wedding dress and I wouldn't have expected anything else as we had been living together and had a young child. DH had been married before. We gave my SD a chunk of money and said it was for her dress. She had been living with her partner too.

Unless you are really well off and want to I don't think you should pay for all of it.

People get funny ideas about incomes and private education. My grandparents lived in rented accommodation all their days in order to fund their childrens' education. They just had different priorities to later generations.

I think it’s fine not to pay, but be open now so she doesn’t think you might - and don’t then dictate the long lost relatives on the guest lists or what the menu should look like. Not saying you would, I’m just talking from experience 😬

For what it’s worth, I’m in my late thirties now and have been with my partner for 10 years. My parents stretched themselves and worked extremely hard to give my brother and I a private education, like you guys did for your kids. Should my partner and I decide to marry, we would NEVER expect anything towards the wedding from either of our parents - they did their bit when we were growing up and we are extremely grateful for it. We have good jobs and would have a celebration we could afford. I mean, a bit of money behind the bar for a few drinks on the day might be nice but nothing else!

But I also wouldn’t hide how expensive it is - I would definitely want to have a slightly shocked conflab about how much people charge for a few flowers or centrepieces as soon as the word wedding is introduced, never mind the venues, cakes and outfits! A bit like when you go to the cinema with kids for the first time and come out feeling like you need to remortgage the house to pay for it (don’t get me started on Legoland).

But it certainly wouldn’t be a manipulative attempt to emotionally blackmail my mum into coughing up any money towards it, it would just be to get a sympathetic ear as I shake my head and groan in amazement. Your daughter may not even realise her references have made you feel this way.

It sounds more like you feel a bit guilty, as you have been used to providing your children with as much as you guys could afford as they grew up and it’s hard to change a habit of their lifetime. My mum, especially, is struggling with that now (and that my bro and I are financially independent and are now in the position she would have been in at our age - so the roles aren’t quite reversed but…different).

Talk to your daughter. Tell her how you are feeling. And find out how she is feeling too (if she’s mentioning it, it might be that she is feeling a bit overwhelmed about it and could use some advice). Otherwise, you’re both just guessing at what’s going on in each other’s heads!

I got married at 34 and we paid for it all. Kind of. We thought we were paying for it all and got it all sorted etc and then as part of the speech my mum and dad gave us a cheque for it. We hadn't spent his amounts, about 3500 but it was very nice of then. The point is I didn't expect them to at all and was more than happy to pay for it ourselves. So no, yanbu.

The brides parents traditionally pay for the wedding. Some save for many years.
You say you don’t have the amount of money to previously had. Why did you not put money aside instead of spending what you did? For whatever reason sadly you didn’t allocate some money to your daughters big day.
Not much to say, you spent the money.

Me and my husband got married in 2014 we were 31 and 33 at the time. We paid for our wedding without help from anyone. We both decided on a relatively small wedding and didn’t even think to ask for any help and honestly I don’t think we took anything even when it was offered.
You can only do what you feel comfortable doing, if you want to offer paying for something then put it forward and see what the response is. Im sure your daughter will understand if you explain it to her.

I would not have been at all comfortable about my dad giving me a cheque as part of his speech

I think helping with the wedding dress or cake or something is perfectly reasonable and a lovely thing to do. You don’t even have to do that. My husband and I paid for our own wedding because I was 28, he 32, and it didn’t seem to me that my parents should have to pay when I was so independent and late 20s. Now, if I had been 19 or even 22, that would be a bit different but still not taken for granted.

You sacrificed a great deal for your children paying for private school. That is very expensive and they should be very grateful for that.

All depends what you done for your other children...they all should be treated the same.

@user1487194234 me either 😱

You're not being unreasonable unless you have previously paid for her siblings weddings