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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

412 replies

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 12:54

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 12:45

Many people getting married don’t curtail their holidays, lifestyle choices before they get married. They just accept contributions from their families to make up the shortfall. Seems mean to expect the parents to go without holidays etc so they can contribute more to the wedding.

It's true that my daughter has not curtailed her own holidays.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 31/05/2022 12:54

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 12:53

So you were a SAHM for all your life, not earning, and now want holidays over contributing to your DDs wedding?

Hmmmm............is all I can say.

Wow. I'm glad that's all you can say.

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 12:56

@JinglingHellsBells why are you so determined that OP should fund her daughter’s wedding? Her daughter has been with her partner for 12 years, it’s not like they are just setting up together and need funds for that?

Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 12:57

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 12:52

@JinglingHellsBells OP hasn't said she is poor. She is just saying their income is less than it was.

She did not budget on spending money on her DCs weddings so that lump sum does not exist. If I had the choice between seeing a country I really wanted to before I was too infirm to travel or going to rainy Wales in a modest cottage off season ( not that there's anything wrong with that) in order to fund my DDs wedding then I'm going for the former. Or if it were possible to do the holiday but stay somewhere slightly cheaper and give my DC a contribution to the wedding, Id probably do that.

You're on my page

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 12:58

This thread is pointless
Op is unwilling to contribute to the wedding and has dug her heels in.

No one can or will change her mind

She has raised her child. She done!

Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 13:01

Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 12:58

This thread is pointless
Op is unwilling to contribute to the wedding and has dug her heels in.

No one can or will change her mind

She has raised her child. She done!

Actually I've found it very helpful. Both the people who can see where I'm at and the people who disagree. As we all know on Mumsnet, as a parent, you tend to continually worry about whether you're doing it wrong. And believe me, that doesn't not change even when your DC are in their 30s.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 31/05/2022 13:02

Of course not! Is that even a thing really? (unless you're ultra rich)

2bazookas · 31/05/2022 13:02

A couple who've been together 12 years have already publically demonstrated their love and commitment. Surely no need for any multi-thousand performance-art scripted, video filmed stage performance of "marriage" in front of an audience with a cast of attendants and support-actors.

Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 13:04

Also the prevailing view is that it would be nice to contribute in some way. I was unsure about whether this would just be seen as an insufficient gesture, but I now feel that it would definitely be the right thing to do and will hopefully be appreciated.

OP posts:
Ownedbymycats · 31/05/2022 13:04

My daughter got married recently and had a budget of 3k for flowers.If I had been paying that would have almost made me feel ill and caused lots of rows. Choose one item such as the dress to assist her with.

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 13:05

I would feel awful if my parents had to curtail their lifestyle, holiday choices just so I could have a fancy wedding., What self respecting 30yo would expect that?

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 13:05

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 12:56

@JinglingHellsBells why are you so determined that OP should fund her daughter’s wedding? Her daughter has been with her partner for 12 years, it’s not like they are just setting up together and need funds for that?

I think she comes over as cold and a bit heartless.

Of course we older people want to enjoy life, but what strikes me is the OP shows no enthusiasm about the wedding, she doesn't seem happy that her DD is now engaged, maybe she doesn't like the fiance- who knows. It's all very cold- "DD is working, she's in her 30s, I paid for her private education, so I've done my bit and am going to spend my money on me now."

Fine.

Why ask strangers for their opinion and only agree with those who agree with you?

Another mum is the same circs may have said 'I really want to help them have the big day they want, without being stupidly extravagant, and although it might mean I can't have the holiday I dreamed of, a wedding is more of a memory than visiting another country'.

blobby10 · 31/05/2022 13:11

I got married in the early 1990s - both sets of parents were very traditional and mine had told all us siblings that if we got married after living together or got married abroad then they wouldn't pay for the wedding. It was borderline whether we had to still be virgins but we were all in our mid-late 20s when we got married so that would have been a bit mean! At that time it was still usual amongst our circle of family/friends to date for a year or so and then get married and start to live together.

I don't think you are unreasonable to not pay for a the wedding after a 12 year relationship!

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 13:12

Maybe I'm hard and bitter too, but I'd find it difficult to whip up enthusiasm - and a blank cheque - for a big wedding after 12 years together, particularly as the DD appears to be showing no signs of cutting back to afford it herself.

I think the OP sounds pragmatic and sensible - but then we've already established ourselves to be kindred spirits Grin.

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 31/05/2022 13:24

My mum bought my dress. My in-laws paid for the cake. Both were gratefully received but not expected.

We had a relatively simple wedding and reception and splashed out on the honeymoon as that was for us. I think having someone else pay for the wedding sometimes results in excessive budgets as it's easier to spend someone else's cash.

We were sensible as we also wanted to buy a house.

Don't feel pressured to pay but it would be nice to pay for something specific as a contribution (with an agreed max spend)

AryaStarkWolf · 31/05/2022 13:32

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 13:04

Also the prevailing view is that it would be nice to contribute in some way. I was unsure about whether this would just be seen as an insufficient gesture, but I now feel that it would definitely be the right thing to do and will hopefully be appreciated.

iirc my mother gave us a generous cash gift of 1k we appreciated it very much

Alaimo · 31/05/2022 14:21

I'm in my early 30s and got married to my long-term boyfriend relatively recently. Soon after we started planning our wedding both sets of parents offered to contribute about £2k. We didn't expect or ask for a contribution, but without it we probably would have opted for a simpler wedding (our wedding ended up costing about £6k, so still not super extravagant). I think both sets of parents were happy that their contribution enabled us to really have our dream wedding rather than it just upping our flower budget, for example. As an only child, my parents also did not have to consider future contributions to siblings' weddings, which will have also helped.

PurpleButterflyWings · 31/05/2022 14:29

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 13:04

Also the prevailing view is that it would be nice to contribute in some way. I was unsure about whether this would just be seen as an insufficient gesture, but I now feel that it would definitely be the right thing to do and will hopefully be appreciated.

Glad you have decided. Smile As many posters have said - anyone who expects their parents to fully pay for their wedding is an entitled arsehole. MOST people do NOT have the money to do that, and why should they? It may have been a thing many MANY years ago, but now? No.

However, contributing something is nice. (If you are able to.) Many people buy the dress, or the cake, or pay for the photographer and flowers. Or may offer a cash sum towards it .. As I said earlier, my DD's wedding later this year is costing £8,000, and me and DH are contributing £2,000, and her fiancé's parents are also contributing £2000. Then they're paying the remaining £4,000 themselves. EVERYONE is happy with this.

Going wedding dress shopping with her in mid July actually, with her and her cousin (my brother's DD,) and a coupe of her friends. Really excited about it! Smile

Dishwashersaurous · 31/05/2022 14:40

The only time that a parent should pay for a wedding is if they have chosen the groom. Or if they are insisting on 500 of their choice of guests.

Of course it's not normal for parents to pay.

It's nice to contribute something. Buying the dress or the cake are traditional.

Benjispruce4 · 31/05/2022 14:45

I think the tradition of parents of the bride paying comes from an era when people married younger and women didn’t earn as much. It was a handing on of the responsibility of daughter to a new male . Thank goodness times have changed!

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 14:49

Exactly @Benjispruce4 I'm glad I wasn't treated as someone's chattel

SAB50 · 31/05/2022 15:01

Just to reiterate most other posters, I really don't think it's expected. My husband's dad gave us £500 which was entirely unexpected and went towards the honeymoon. My parents made my bouquet for the day from wildflowers from their garden and helped with homecooked buffet food (they're really not well off so didn't expect anything else!). Both very much appreciated.

My friend is from a culture where it's still usual for parents to pay, and pay A LOT (massive three day Indian Hindu wedding). They'd been saving all her life for it - I can't remember exact figures but it was nearing 100k at least. That to me is crazy and certainly not commonly expected!

Buying her dress or maybe the cake would be a lovely gesture.

iklboo · 31/05/2022 15:07

DH & I got married 18 years ago but my parents still didn't pay for it. All the parents contributed something:

My mum & dad - photographer & my dress hire
MIL - suits & car hire
FIL - flowers & decorations

My dad made the wedding cake. Nobody should expect their parents to pay for the whole shebang these days, especially if they've been living together for years.

Norgie · 31/05/2022 15:49

@toomuchlaundry This may blow your brain, but I was delighted that my father walked me down the aisle. No chattel involved.
Different strokes for different folk.
You may think that you're oh so modern but you know some of us like tradition.
Shocker ...I also took my DH surname, our kids also have DH surname.
You say about education, helping to buy homes and flashy weddings..... newsflash, you aren't privy to any of that information, maybe that was also given, maybe the wedding is a low key affair. Nor do you know the culture or nationality of everyone.
Assumption is a dangerous thing.

Blossomtoes · 31/05/2022 15:53

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 14:49

Exactly @Benjispruce4 I'm glad I wasn't treated as someone's chattel

Nor was I - my adult son “gave me away”, it was a very special moment for both of us. I know a couple of non chattels who broke their father’s heart, for what? It really saddened me.