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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

412 replies

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 16:46

My dad walked down the aisle with me, but he didn't give me away

TizerorFizz · 31/05/2022 16:55

@WhereDidTheYearsGo
Surely if you have a loving relationship with your DD, then you have a discussion about what she would like and what you can pay for. I certainly would not say all of it but you do need to show a bit of enthusiasm. Would you have preferred her to marry 10 years ago when you had more money? I actually know lots of people who saved up for weddings. Just so they could help and saw it as an important day. You won’t want to look back on it and feel you were not remotely involved. Have a chat with DD and come up with a plan.

Norgie · 31/05/2022 16:56

@toomuchlaundry Did he sell you to the highest bidder?
Charge your betrothed a fee?
Did you come with a guarantee?

DaphneduM · 31/05/2022 17:04

If you don't want to contribute, then that's fine. It's completely up to the individual how they feel about it. We have an only daughter and paid for her wedding in it's entirety. Her father-in-law gifted them a great honeymoon. We are comfortable but not wealthy. We were both still working at the time, now retired. Her wedding was something I had always thought about and saved for. It wasn't as expensive as some - but absolutely lovely and I'm glad to have done it. I would have felt very mean not to, and I think it would have been sad for our daughter. It's an expression of love.

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 17:20

@norgie you jest but this does happen in some families and it is not a joking matter. That is where the traditions come from

Blossomtoes · 31/05/2022 17:32

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 16:46

My dad walked down the aisle with me, but he didn't give me away

What’s the difference? Apart from what you call it?

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 17:42

Of course it's not normal for parents to pay.

@Dishwashersaurous Maybe not in your social circle, but it still is in many other people's.

It's tradition. It's like a final 'farewell' as the daughter sets out on a new life.

Okay many people live together first but lots of parents want to help out with the cost.

My friends have paid (recently) for their DDs weddings and even my DD's friends (20s and 30s) have had their weddings paid for by parents. Maybe not 100% of the cost, but a big chunk.

I can't get my head around anyone saying they'd rather go off on holiday than pay for a lovely memorable day - it's people who matter in life, not places.

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 17:43

@Blossomtoes he was there to support me (didn’t have bridesmaids) in the same way my mum supported me whilst I got ready, same way DH’s brother supported him as best man.

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 17:46

@JinglingHellsBells anyone paid for their son’s weddings? They are going off on their new life too

DameHelena · 31/05/2022 17:46

Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 12:58

This thread is pointless
Op is unwilling to contribute to the wedding and has dug her heels in.

No one can or will change her mind

She has raised her child. She done!

How spiteful.
Parents paying for weddings made more sense in the past, when people often married young and straight from living in the family home, and were not yet working or in low-paid work.
But these days (and certainly in this case), the couple's situation is quite different and parents paying just doesn't make sense.
But you know, if it makes you feel good to have a little dig at people.

angieloumc · 31/05/2022 17:53

My parents paid for most of my first wedding, back in 1987, I was a foolish 18. We had two DC then I was divorced by the time I was 22. My second wedding we paid for ourselves obviously, though they did offer.
My sister married six years ago (she's four years younger than me). She was very unhappy our then widowed mum couldn't help her out, so I paid for her dress.
Only one of my DC is married, I gave them £4000 though his dad didn't pay, nor did he attend. His stepdad (divorced again me!) gave them a couple of thousand towards their honeymoon.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 18:07

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 17:46

@JinglingHellsBells anyone paid for their son’s weddings? They are going off on their new life too

I understand what you are getting at (you've made that clear!) and YES I know parents who have done that.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 18:09

But you know, if it makes you feel good to have a little dig at people.

The OP asked for comments. This IS AIBU.
She's got to expect different opinions.

Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 18:10

@PurpleButterflyWings Your daughter's wedding plans sound very reasonable and you all have it well worked out. Enjoy the wedding dress shopping!

OP posts:
ehb102 · 31/05/2022 18:17

Give them the £5k tax free as a wedding gift and they can spend it on the wedding if they like.

scotscorner · 31/05/2022 18:18

FWIW OP, I got married in late twenties (couple of years ago, now expecting DC1 :) ) and I did not expect my parents to pay for the wedding, though they were relatively clear that they were intending to contribute. I think if you’re working and in a long term relationship you and your partner should absolutely be budgeting for it and that it’s totally unreasonable to ‘expect’ your parents in this day and age to cover you (very different to when daughters would get married young and not have income to speak of). We planned originally a small wedding which was proportionate to our income and savings.

My parents very generously did give us a larger contribution than I expected, but I know my mum in particular did that hoping I would increase the size of the wedding and do certain things (big church wedding, invite all her cousins, generous alcohol limit, younger female family members as bridesmaids etc) - all of which I pretty much did to make her happy and didn’t mind one iota.

I think one thing people forget is that taking budget does make parents feel like they have a say in how the wedding is run (which again I personally think is quite reasonable on the parents part! I considered my wedding a day for the family and not just all about me).

71Isla · 31/05/2022 18:21

No, you're not being unreasonable, especially at their age with jobs. Maybe offer to contribute to a part of it. Pay for the flowers, or the photographer, or the honeymoon, depending on how much you want to spend.

user1471538283 · 31/05/2022 18:23

I wouldnt have expected my DPs to pay for my wedding. My DF wanted to pay for my dress. I didnt get married so this never happened.

If you can afford it perhaps you would like to pay for something?

balalake · 31/05/2022 18:23

Your decision, perfectly reasonable, but don't give them any false pretences. It should be for your daughter and future son-in-law to then decide the wedding they want to have.

muddyford · 31/05/2022 18:30

When I married DH we paid for ourselves. I would not have dreamt of expecting my retired parents to pay.

N1no · 31/05/2022 18:44

You don’t have to pay for anything and feel you have done it by paying for private education. It’s a nice gesture to pay for the dress however this should include a limite as dresses can be very expensive. There should perhaps also be the option of buying a second hand dress as wedding dresses generally only get worn once and end up in landfill because very few people buy second hand. She could use the money for something else instead (mortgage, deposit).

Grrrrdarling · 31/05/2022 18:51

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

Take the bull by the horns & next time they are discussing the cost of weddings explain how it doesn’t have to cost a fortune to have a wedding.
The party & all the trimmings are lovely but all the trimmings are optional.
Remind your DD that she is basically paying to sign a piece of paper saying she truly loves the man she is marrying & this piece of paper also gives them some tax breaks, I believe.
I am personally quite happy to never get married for a few reasons…

  1. I can’t afford to & won’t ever
  2. my parents can’t afford to pay for a wedding
  3. I hate being the centre of attention & my anxiety is so bad I’d hate the whole day
  4. I am so physically ill right now that I wouldn’t be able to carry a wedding dress on my body let alone get through a wedding day without serious issues & repercussions for weeks after.

Registry office for marriage then have a nice buffet/hog roast & party somewhere flexible with a bar would be all we would
have if we did it then somewhere nice for honeymoon.
I’ve only been to a few weddings but the best were the simplest & most intimate ones.

Newbie20 · 31/05/2022 19:05

@WhereDidTheYearsGo I got married a few years ago, my husband and I paid for everything ourselves. We spent about £1000 for everything. My dad actually turned round to me when I got engaged and said I'm not paying for your wedding as I have too many daughters, it hurt a little bit because I didn't ask for him to contribute in any way except for walking me down the aisle. I also don't get birthday or Christmas presents from him anymore because 'you have children that I buy gifts for' we did get some money in a card as a wedding gift. But he also bought his spouse when she wasn't invited so that upset me a bit. If you can afford to offer to contribute in some other way.

Dailyfailcanfeckoff · 31/05/2022 19:08

Weddings are very expensive and it does no harm for people to understand that before they go and blow thousands on one day.

But then I’ve never understood why you would blow thousands on one day. We won’t have money to fund wedding when we’re retired- if I have spare money I’ll help out with concrete stuff but I’m buggered of its going on a fancy party so yanbu op. Stick to your guns.

Jane2406 · 31/05/2022 19:14

I think what my folks did was quite clever, while they are wealthy they said from the outset that they would not pay for the entire wedding but did offer to contribute, for example my mum made my dress (she’s a very talented dressmaker) & they paid for the photographer & the cake. When it came to settling the hotel bill for the wedding my dad produced his chequebook which was completely unexpected as we had already had a sizeable sum towards a house deposit. He said he had taught me well because we hadn’t gone over board & it was a lovely day with close family & friends 🥰

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