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To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

412 replies

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

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Wherearemymarbles · 30/05/2022 19:44

My mum paid for the champagne. My mil the flowers
We both worked, had good jobs and saw no reason for our parents to fund our wedding.

It worked very well

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SuziSecondLaw · 30/05/2022 19:44

I would never expect my parents to pay for my wedding. It's a weird old tradition from when girls were married off very young.

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Nothappyatwork · 30/05/2022 19:45

Teateaandmoretea · 30/05/2022 19:28

Out of interest did your own parents pay for yours?

I think if you can it would be nice to make a contribution but if it’s 50k at the Savoy then equally expecting you to stump it all up is unreasonable.

£50 K would not go very far at the Savoy for a wedding

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BiasedBinding · 30/05/2022 19:45

Has she actually asked you to? Your post doesn’t say.

You aren’t being unreasonable of course, you can do whatever you like. It’s a bit weird to go on about all the other things you’ve paid for though. Those were also your choice, it’s not like you said “you can have private school or a wedding, which would you like us to pay for?”

either give her some money towards the wedding or don’t, you don’t have to justify anything.

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calmlakes · 30/05/2022 19:45

My parents paid nothing but a lot of my friends had contributions or paid for weddings.
I think it varies a lot, what has your dd said?

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anonacfr · 30/05/2022 19:45

Is she expecting you to?

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saraclara · 30/05/2022 19:45

It's not usual for parents to pay these days. Though they might make a contribution by paying for one element.
I bought my DD's dress for her. She was very touched and grateful, but she absolutely didn't expect it.

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Gnomechange · 30/05/2022 19:45

I got married in my early 30s a few years ago, my partner and I were together for about10 years. We ofcourse paid for our own wedding, as did all of my friends of a similar age. I found it weird that some of the women I worked with were paying for their daughters weddings. It seemed very old fashioned to me. I would much rather my parents spent their money on big holidays and having a nice retirement.

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BiasedBinding · 30/05/2022 19:49

“I would much rather my parents spent their money on big holidays and having a nice retirement.”

me too, but some people’s parents can have those things and pay for a big wedding and it’s not either/or for them, so that’s ok isn’t it

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Nerdymummy · 30/05/2022 19:55

I got married at 24 and it never crossed my mind to expect my parents to pay for anything. We paid for everything ourselves without help from either of our families (in fact we paid for hire suits for family and for bridesmaids dresses for my sisters) my only ask from family was to give opinions if they wanted to and to be there on day. My sister is engaged and I know she doesn't expect anything either. I only know one person who had a big contribution from her parents who had a very expensive wedding but don't think its the norm any more

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Turnthatoff · 30/05/2022 19:57

I think the bride and groom should always pay for their wedding. Well, the lion’s share.

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Benjispruce4 · 30/05/2022 20:01

I was 25. Our parents split the cost of the reception and my DM bought my dress. They we’re retired but weren’t well off either. I have young adult DDs and I would expect to make a significant contribution but certainly not pay for their wedding entirely.

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Blossomtoes · 30/05/2022 20:01

We paid for the photographer. They chose a cheap one and the pictures were shit, their trying to save us money completely backfired. It’s a shame because we’d have been much happier paying more for a really good one.

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Franklin12 · 30/05/2022 20:01

Perhaps it’s just me but surely you have pensions coming in not no money at all especially as you mention private school fees.

sorry but you sound a bit mean and stingy. What about funding their honeymoon?

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Benjispruce4 · 30/05/2022 20:01

*Were not retired

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AliceW89 · 30/05/2022 20:03

Has she asked you to pay? If so say no for the reasons mentioned, offer as much as you can/want towards her dress and let her get on with planning her wedding. If she hasn’t asked, you are massively jumping the gun and need to stop playing scenarios out in your head.

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Benjispruce4 · 30/05/2022 20:03

My DM also made my bridesmaids dresses from silk which were beautiful and saved us a fortune.

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MigsandTiggs · 30/05/2022 20:06

YANBU to be wondering whether there is still a social/cultural expectation that parents of the bride pay for the wedding. Given your financial circumstances, if I were your dd I definitely wouldn't accept any financial contribution, even if you offered. FGS they're in their 30's, working and living together while you're retired and not flush with money. You've already given dd lots, as a private education costs serious money.
Offer to pay for something meaningful that won't break the bank, like the cake or flowers. You'll still have to shell out for a mother of the bride outfit etc. and anything with the word wedding attached isn't cheap.
Dh and I paid for our wedding ourselves apart from a very small contribution from my parents. And that was back in the days when the bride's parents were expected to pay for the entire wedding.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2022 20:07

It depends if you have any expectations.

My dad wanted to be able to treat everyone in the family and have a lot of booze and nice food. We invited a few extra family members for my dad, he paid a bit for food and booze.

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BunsyGirl · 30/05/2022 20:08

I got married when I was 32. My parents, contributed a third, my DH’s parents contributed a third and DH and I paid a third. In the end my mum paid a bit extra as my dream dress was more than I had budgeted for. She made up the difference. I didn’t ask, she offered. I think about that moment in the dress shop a lot. She died four years after my wedding.

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surreygirl1987 · 30/05/2022 20:08

It's old fashioned for the parents of the bride to pay for the wedding. Most couples I know paid for their own- possibly with a gift towards it (eg dress paid for, or some money behind the bar). Pay something only if you want to. I probably will put something towards my sons' weddings (if they get married) one day if I can afford it, but certainly not all of it.

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SimpleShootingWeekend · 30/05/2022 20:11

It’s nice to buy something if you can afford it such as the dress, flowers or cake but it shouldn’t be expected.

I think you should contribute towards the catering if you want her to invite people who wouldn’t make her cut. My mum paid around a third of my catering but invited a ton of people I wouldn’t have invited in a million years if I’d had to stump up to feed them. The mothers of kids I went to the tufty club etc.

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Sunnytwobridges · 30/05/2022 20:13

I wouldn't pay for my DDs wedding and I never expected my parents to pay for mine. I don't people should expect parents to pay for it. If they contribute fine if not then that's fine too.

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tillytown · 30/05/2022 20:14

If you have other kids and paid for them, then yes. If not, then no.

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Tiani4 · 30/05/2022 20:14

Op made one post over an hour and half ago and hasnt come back since

OP hasn't said why or even if her Dd expects her to pay anything towards DDs wedding

So it's all a moot point right now

I do hate those vague OPs from an OP. that don't tell you crucial info and let people go off on an imaginary one. Doesn't help anyone

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