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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

412 replies

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 30/05/2022 20:44

I think we are likely to give our 3 maybe £2/3k as a contribution.

Echobelly · 30/05/2022 20:44

TBH, I think most people expect to pay for their own wedding these days. My parents paid for the biggest parts of ours (venue and catering) but we're Jewish and it's kind of normal for parents to pay and also to invite some of their friends, so for us that was sort of expected, but I'll admit until i joined wedding forums before ours (which was 15 years ago) I had not realised at all the parents don't tend to pay anymore!

Cameleongirl · 30/05/2022 20:46

My Mum gave me her wedding dress, though, which was a lovely gesture. It suited me so aside from the sentimental value, that saved me a lot of money! 😂

BadWolf2022 · 30/05/2022 20:48

YANBU. It's not your responsibility. They are in their 30s I'm sure they can afford it.

Pegasaurus · 30/05/2022 20:48

YANBU

It used to be traditional for the bride's parents to pay but it was also traditional for couples not to live together beforehand, times have changed (for the better imho)

Noisyprat · 30/05/2022 20:53

I think it's strange that the brides parents pay for the wedding in this day and age. Traditionally this was as part of the dowry because women were just chattels. I thought the norm now was for b&g to pay with maybe some help from both sets of parents?

As someone who sees these big extravagant weddings as a waste of money I definitely won't be funding either of mine and I hope they are sensible enough to either not get married at all or go for something small.

Franklin12 · 30/05/2022 20:53

Goodness isn’t the average cost of a wedding £20k. Bearing in mind the suggested contributions how the heck are people affording £20k.

Robinni · 30/05/2022 20:54

I'm a bit old fashioned. My family paid for the majority of mine, with DH family contributing a significant amount too.

Our situation was that it was my DM last hurrah, she died shortly thereafter so it was as important for her as us - she invited a lot of people....

We were able to go on an amazing honeymoon and had money for home renovations as a result, in hindsight we should have gone for a cheaper wedding and put more into the house but C'est la vie.

Friends experiences have varied - one had wedding paid for by one side and the other side gave them an enormous deposit for a house (because they were annoyed at being blocked contributing to the cost). Most had the cost split between both sides of the family. Or they paid for the wedding but were then given 5-10k from each side as a gift after the wedding.

I think giving nothing either in paying for the wedding or in a significant gift is a bit odd for parents. I'm saving for my DC now and they are very young. I would still want to contribute to significant events even if they were super wealthy.

trulyconfuseddotcom · 30/05/2022 20:55

I wouldn't expect the parents to pay. But a contribution is nice if you can afford it. My mum bought my dress and my husband's parents gave us something towards our honeymoon, both gifts were very much appreciated. But we paid for the wedding and the rest of the honeymoon costs - our wedding, our expense!

Supersimkin2 · 30/05/2022 20:56

No, you don’t need to pay.

But you can’t invite anyone - or think you have the right to make suggestions, either. You’re a guest like any other, so turn up on the day, don’t expect top table unless DD suggests it, and don’t hang around being gracious as Mother of The Bride. Or expect to be in most of the main pix.

Ditto DH - if he’s asked to give DD away, great, but that tends to be reserved for families who do help each other.

Invitations must be sent out from the hosts, in this case the bride and BF, not you and DH.

Make sure everyone knows the bride’s paying. Don’t accept any credit - pass it all smilingly to DD.

Cloud16 · 30/05/2022 21:02

My mum paid about 16k and we paid only 5k. My mum was desperate for a big wedding for the family though, whereas we couldn't have cared less! Our plan was to go to the registry office and then a meal. My mum couldn't hide her disappointment with that though and we went along with it 👀

ScrumptiusBears · 30/05/2022 21:05

My sister got married in her 30s. Mum bought the wedding dress (it was in the sale so about £350) and my dad gave her £2k. That was it.

Rogue1001MNer · 30/05/2022 21:06

Do people really not notice when the op doesn't come back for 6 pages?

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 30/05/2022 21:08

Rogue1001MNer · 30/05/2022 21:06

Do people really not notice when the op doesn't come back for 6 pages?

This thread was started 2 hours ago. A bit early to claim the OP has posted and run. Maybe they have a life away from MN or something?!

Stickworm · 30/05/2022 21:08

It’s not the expected thing anymore surely? I think both sets of our parents gave us £1k each as a lovely gift but we paid the rest ourselves and wouldn’t have expected anyone else to pay.

TheGoogleMum · 30/05/2022 21:08

I dont think parents pay for weddings that often anymore? Maybe just parts of it like her dress if you can afford it?

Abridget7 · 30/05/2022 21:09

It depends if you'd like to have some of your friends/extended family at the wedding - if so then yes you'd be expected to contribute a bit.
My parents & DH parents each gave us 5k towards our wedding and we paid the rest (about 35k).

justasking111 · 30/05/2022 21:11

Two weddings we helped with house deposits. Brides parents paid for the weddings.

Franklin12 · 30/05/2022 21:13

£35k!!!

Leggingslife · 30/05/2022 21:14

I was similar. My mum paid for my wedding dress which was a lovely and generous offer. We paid the rest ourselves, no issues.

FourChimneys · 30/05/2022 21:15

We will contribute towards our DCs weddings if they have them but they will be expected to fund the majority.

OneSayMaybe · 30/05/2022 21:16

Reverse…

knitnerd90 · 30/05/2022 21:21

The only people I know where parents pay for weddings are either 1) from very traditional families (often where they expect people to marry quite young so they couldn't afford to pay for it themselves) or 2) where the parents want a particular sort of wedding, or to invite loads of extended family & the parents' friends, etc.

I do know quite a few families where parents make a contribution, but not the whole wedding. When DH & I got married my mum paid for my dress. ILs did wedding cake and put a contribution in for the bar. It would be nice for you to offer something like that.

Brazooka · 30/05/2022 21:22

I can’t get past 45k for a wedding……

Tallulasdancingshoes · 30/05/2022 21:26

What’s happened to the OP? There have been multiple posters asking questions like whether the OP is actually expected to pay, but they’re nowhere to be seen. Posts like this, when the OP disappears, really irritate me

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