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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time? Thread 2

610 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 30/05/2022 11:23

Continuing from 1st thread.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
33
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 11/01/2023 12:08

I'm getting worse.

Not been this bad for years - was saying before Christmas that I hadn't been ill in years but it's because this last few years I've just had so much to do I've just carried on and ploughed through.

Think my body has just shouted STOP! And I've just stopped.

It's not covid.

Feel like my throat is barely open. It sort of sticks to itself every now and then and I have a moment of panic - it's not nice. I seem to be able to cat nap propped up on pillows but not sleep. Again, nightmares/vivid dreams.

Was sat with two pieces of kitchen roll bunged up my nostrils because of constant streaming, my hair is greasy, I can't remember my last shower. The good thing is I've no sense of smell or taste. The bad thing is I can't face painkillers because my throat is so sharp - on fire. I had some about 2am. None since then.

I need to take the Christmas stuff down today - I can't face however much bad luck it brings 😉

H has been in to tell me he's going on one of his long walks and that the tree is still up. I think that's my cue - it's not happening. I forced a whisper, which rips my throat, 'I'm staying here, while you take your personality disorder for a walk.'

He winked and walked out, grinning.

If I cough once more - my throat will burst open.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 11/01/2023 12:34

Oh, darling. I do feel for you. Keep warm. Can you have anyone bring you a liquid paracetamol?

If you have a feather or down pillow or quilt, I find that bringing it into the bed with me down my back is like an electric blanket or hot water bottle with the warmth it holds once it gets going. It can give huge comfort.

I am in Western Australia where we missed so much of Covid but also all the other colds and flus for two years and a little cold a few months ago felled me like a falling tree without half your excuses. I just want to bring you some chicken soup.

KeziaOAP · 11/01/2023 12:42

This flu virus is the worst I've ever known nearly 20 years older than you, after feeling better gone downhill again. DR says it's viral and to drink plenty of fluids and take paracetamol, problem being they make me feel sick, Ibuprofen capsules can tolerate better.

Did you have flu jab? I missed out, had mastectomy 3 months ago booked for covid booster and flu jab couldn't do both as couldn't use arm on op side, sods law. Having said that others who had the jab still caught flu!

Lemonade or ginger ale is refreshing. Take care

Nix32 · 11/01/2023 14:03

Is your throat actually painful? Can you swallow? It sounds like quinsy - if it is that, it's nasty and needs treating asap.

Munchyseeds2 · 11/01/2023 14:41

Whatever is going around is truly horrible!!
Hope you start to feel better soon

friskybivalves · 11/01/2023 15:09

Can anyone bring you Night Nurse or are you able to order it from Amazon? It might unblock you enough to sleep and just take it during the day & who cares?? It's a miracle worker for me. I find the liquid better than the pills as it also soothes the throat a bit and may not jag your mouth on the way down? I feel for you so much.

Also brilliant are Beurer heating pads (also available on Amazon). They heat up for an hour and a half. Use instead of a hot water bottle. Just plug in. No worries about scalding yourself, no need to trek downstairs for the kettle. Just switch them on again in middle of night if cold. They're really comforting.

I recommend either the red one or the squidgy sheepskin one.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 11/01/2023 17:42

Many thanks for suggestions.

There seems to be a lot of it about.

H came back with dissolving cocodamol. Trying the least amount of water I can get away with. Also sipping ginger and lemon tea with honey.

I had another coughing fit which clapped my throat closed again - so frightening. It stays closed a little bit longer than I expect. When I relax/half asleep my throat makes all sorts of snorts and snores - it wakes me up, it's loud.

I'm frozen one minute and boiling the next.

I had the 'flu vaccine but not the covid booster (we were away the weekend that our surgery block booked it). I've also previously had a pneumonia vaccine.

It's definitely not a chest infection - it's like extreme laryngitis. We know that our grandson was admitted to hospital with croup and our daughter had these exact symptoms last week. So I'm not sure about length of incubation period. I thought we should have all been exposed to it at the same time? My son also has same symptoms but the GP said scarlet fever - which I know I've had before. My son had it last Monday, Grandson Tuesday, Daughter Wednesday. I first felt ill on Sunday. They all feel better now, still have irritating coughs. Looks like a lingering thing.

I'm going to have to sit this out and wait for my immune system to kick in, I have allergies where antibiotics are concerned (my daughter and son have finished/almost finished their courses, they too have allergies but tolerate more than I do). Other antibiotics have side effects which are as bad as the original illness.

I did have tonsillitis quite regularly up until my 40s - doesn't feel like that.

I had laryngitis regularly when I was teaching - once went back to school in September with no voice (hoarse voice) and didn't regain it until after the Christmas holidays. If I rested my voice box there used to be not much pain - this is a constant 'on fire' feeling. Feels like it goes down as far as the top of my stomach. Even tepid drinks really burn me all the way down.

I still feel hungry every now and again - I have sent out a request for muller rice 😬

I'm supposed to be childminding tomorrow - I feel sick and want to sit straight back down when I stand. H is saying he can do the school run.

I may be running a marathon by tomorrow.

Let's see.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 11/01/2023 18:47

eek - you sound dreadful and clearly won’t be doing any child minding tomorrow.
“put your own oxygen mask on first “

get well soon - thinking of you . Have been imagining you as the sister from Happy Valley stomping round and saying Bloody a lot. loved the Fergie story.

I tried to think of an actress who would play me. Think Martine Mcutcheon but fatter…. with the feistiness of surranne Jones and friendliness of Lorraine kelly.
🤣🤣🤣

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 11/01/2023 22:40

@olympicsrock

I'm enjoying imagining who you look like. Dressed in 80s fancy dress.

Well I've set the alarm clock (phone, no idea why I put alarm clock) for tomorrow so I'll see what's what.

You and I have feistiness in common. I like to think firm but fair.

'Blumming' is possibly my most frequently spoken cuss - which is Yorkshire for blooming but can be mistaken for bloody. I pretend to feign horror when people swear - and say I'm a vicar's daughter. (I'm not.) But I've been stomping about plenty just lately - could be menopausal blind rage 🤣 combined with the fact I now find myself married to the character Jack Nicholson played in The Shining. Written down, swearing doesn't seem as bad because it's how you say it to yourself, in your mind's eye. When I read swear words I channel Miranda/Miranda's mother and mouth the word comically - and then the written word softens. My daughters and I also do the same with words like cake, chocolate, trifle, strawberry tart, new shoes ....

My parents didn't swear. I try not to - dad used to say that there are suitable alternatives just as strong - he was a walking thesaurus as well as brilliant with cryptic crosswords. If I hadn't completed a certain crossword by 8pm I used to cheat and ring him for the answers.

If anyone who knows me hears me swearing it stops them in their tracks and they know the gloves are off.

I imagine you as a kind and generous version of Connie from Casualty or Holby. Although I also imagine you in a Hogwarts professor's cape, carrying a huge, open medical tome, looking over the top of beautiful, dainty spectacles.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 11/01/2023 23:18

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I have just been reading your posts about our film doubles with tears of laughter … you write so well.

much love xx

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 14/01/2023 11:24

Have I ever mentioned my hip?

It's the dominant 'thing' in my life. Has been for decades. I've been saying for years and years - wish I could take this leg off and hang it up overnight for a rest. It's taken a backseat due to more recent events.

But it's much bigger than the distraction of the past year overall.

It's pretty darn huge. It overshadows every waking moment. And there are too many waking moments in my life.

In fact from time to time I have considered throwing myself under a train and that is no lie. I've been that desperate.

I have a little theory that it all started off many years ago with my big toe on the left foot. It simply hurts to bend. And over the intervening years I've tried everything to alleviate that pain.

For possibly 20 years I wore wooden soled clogs as the foot doesn't tend to bend at the toes in this type of footwear. I am known locally as the clog lady (look mummy! There's that clog lady! From a small child in Tesco) I still wear them occasionally along with wooden Dr Scholl sandals in summer because of their rigidity. But there came a point where I can now only wear trainers - I don't fasten them, I leave them wide open and shove the laces out of the way. I can slip them on and off very easily without bending (my hip pain prevents quite a lot of unnecessary movement and I now need soft,cushioned footwear rather than hardwood soles as my 'imperceptible' limp has progressed).

The pain in my left big toe can be excruciating. It can send shooting pains through my foot which stop me in my tracks. In order not to aggravate this pain I (consciously or unconsciously) adjusted my gait and this led to me walking more heavily on my right leg. I've known this for very long time. It was my right knee that started hurting first, then eventually my right hip.

I used to be quite a good runner. My fave distance was the half marathon. I ran every day. I was a skinny 'Zola Budd' type of person until my body decided - no more running. My knee and hip were painful and I had to take painkillers before running. Then came the hysterectomy at 40 and I never restarted. I just stopped. The weight gain bothered me for years but I've possibly grown to accept that.

The pain/ache grew slowly and steadily. Covid got in the way of GP consultations more recently. I've consulted many times about toe/knee/hip pain over the years and effectively was just dismissed.

Going back, the ache first started affecting my sleep in 2000. Just waking early at first. Then difficulty getting to sleep. Then difficulty staying asleep. I got into unhealthy routines around this area - going to bed as late as possible, getting up early for work. I used to work myself to death as a distraction.

Obviously, lack of sleep and a stressful career and a growing family can take its toll and I was more than delighted when H suggested that I stop working altogether to help with childcare when our first granddaughter was born (2016). I truly think that I am blessed to be able to do that. I feel very privileged to have been so involved with all my grandchildren. Hopefully, that will continue until I am no longer required.

Whilst carrying out childcare I have been up and down stairs, on the floor, up and down, and I have walked miles. My (second) granddaughter (third grandchild) who needed surgery the day she was born and spent 6 wks in NICU at the start of covid lockdown has been quite a handful to manage. Of course there are good medical reasons to explain why she was 'hard work' but she's never been a settled child and rather than her be hard work inside the house, I have preferred to be outside, walking with her as it was easier to get her to nap and it established a routine where she was more rested. My phone app would indicate the steps walked. Sometimes I would announce - I've done 36,000 steps today!

So it's fair to say that I've done a fair bit of walking over the last 6 or so years with the arrival of 6 grandchildren.

So - all this time I've had a limp. It feels quite big to me but when I've asked others they've said that I hide it quite well which has always been my intention. But walking heavily on one leg has 'thrown my hip out'.

Along with other things to do with aging - menopause, general joint aches and pains, bloody rotten frozen shoulders for the past three years - which has been agonising, I have lost quite a bit of sleep. I get round this by watching crap tv, reading and knitting into the small hours and then aiming to be in bed for as little time as possible.

I hate being in bed - it aggravates my hip, I spend 99% of my time in bed awake, throwing myself about trying to find a comfortable position. I've even thrown myself out of bed (accidentally) more times than I care to count, which is not nice, when you're knocking nobs off your head on the bedside table en route to the floor. Being ill this past week has really impacted on my pain levels.

The gnawing pain I have in bed drives me to distraction. Lack of sleep must be the biggest cause of mental illness as it honesty makes me depressed. Along with all the other stuff which goes with lack of sleep - lack of tolerance, no concentration, restlessness. On occasion I have been known to go for a drive in the middle of the night and just scream. I go out in the car so no one can hear me.

The best part of H's recent illness has been the fact that we now have separate beds because I was driving him to distraction by going to bed late, getting up early, tossing and turning all night trying to find a comfortable position for my leg.

Anyhow, I am more than ever thinking of trains. It might be because I've had to be in bed this week/enforced rest. But my bloody leg is agony. Not excruciating. Just gnawing enough for me not to be able to know what to do with myself. I've had another night where I've just had to pace around because it's the only thing bearable.

When you sit in front of a GP and say I can't sleep - it's just words. It means nothing to them. It's one of those phrases that just elicits an eye roll. I would love to be brave enough to say 'err did you know you did an eye roll just then? Are you aware that you are minimising my fucking abject miserable existence?'

Lack of sleep means zero to GPs. Pain means nothing. Perhaps I am not eloquent enough in my explanation. The last time I was there I needed to be helped onto the examination bed and I was throwing my head back in pain as I was examined. I had no reflexes on that knee or foot on the right side. The doctor thinks my bladder incontinence could be linked to the hip symptoms.

So I had an MRI at the beginning of December. I missed a phone call yesterday (9.20 am) from the surgery (no caller ID) because I was having a piss. It took me until 4.30pm to get through to speak to someone yesterday. My appointment to get the results of my MRI is at the end of January.

And I still can't sleep because of the pain.

Did I tell you I broke my right toe? My fucking bastard left toe is agony and I broke my right big toe because my knee collapsed and my foot buckled underneath me and all my weight went on my big toe as it crunched up backwards and cracked with the strain) floating bone and nerve damage). I spent 9 hours in A&E for an x ray. A man came in 6 hrs after me, turned out he'd broken a toe, but because he came in dramatically hopping (and drunk) he was deemed to be in most pain and he was dealt with before me. The reason I know this is because he's my next door neighbour (they moved house two days before Christmas). He'd kicked a piece of furniture in anger whilst drunk, broken his little toe, and because he was 'performing' and screaming in agony, he was in and out of A&E like greased fucking lightening. Whilst little old me sat on the same hard chair, in agony with my hip, in agony with my toe, sat there smiling and thanking everyone profusely for their help.

I've no idea how I still managed to walk during that period of time. Both big toes in excruciating pain and I still managed to walk and carry on with everyday tasks whilst laughing boy next door had six weeks off work on crutches. He had a simple fracture of his little toe, which was strapped to the next toe. He told us he was milking it as he needed time off to make some decking in his garden (which never got finished).

So now both of my big toes are too painful to bend and I adjust my gait accordingly, which further impacts on my hip pain when walking. I do a lot of walking.

I'm hoping that this agony will settle because, having reacquainted myself with the train time table, I'm not far from the bloody tracks.

Apologies for the swearing. I hate swearing.

Apologies once more for an epic post.

I think that the gist of all my posts are - I have no faith in the NHS. It's always been a battle to be heard/seen/dealt with in a timely manner. Why does everything have to be a battle? The root of all evil - money. The haves and the have nots. I won't waste money on myself but I have paid in the past for my children for healthcare and now I'm paying for my grandson for healthcare. It's such a poor, unworkable, two tier system. Which is wrong.

And by the by, my hip pain could totally have been prevented if my toe pain has been taken seriously by the GP 30 years ago (and in intervening years).

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 14/01/2023 12:07

Aww living in pain is horrible and not sleeping is akin to torture !

I've said before you are important too and if you need to and can throw money at it then do ! I had an early knee replacement as it was agony and stopping me sleeping, under NHS rules I probably wouldn't have got it as far too young but it's given me so much better quality of life. Yes it's not perfect and it's was a bloody hard op but 2 years later and it was worth it.

olympicsrock · 14/01/2023 14:53

Go and see a private orthopaedic surgeon.
Get a new mattress if yours if more than 8 years old - we just bought the Emma firm one. It’s great.
Stop walking so much - it is not helping your hip at all.

This all sounds terrible xxx sending love

OliveWah · 14/01/2023 17:54

I don't sleep. Well, I "sleep" for 20 minutes or so at a time, but I don't sleep, sleep - if you know what I mean? As you say, it really does impact my mental health, but you're right about the Drs not really taking it in when you tell them you can't sleep. No actual advice though (sorry), but much sympathy.

My DM has always had horrible hip pain, and in the last few years has started having these huge injections into the joint every few months. She says the needle is monstrously large, and it hurts like hell (but not as bad as the hip pain...), but it makes a huge difference to her day to day pain levels and to her mobility. I think it might be a cortisol injection, I wonder if that's something to consider?

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 14/01/2023 18:07

Yep - bed is good. I think it's the only reason why H is desperate to move back to our bedroom 🤣. It's super king sized and so comfortable.

It was delivered the day before the first lockdown. It was something the company probably didn't want hanging around in their warehouse. It cost several thousand pounds (won't say how many exactly, but more than you'd expect) we know the importance of a good mattress/good sleep.

Unfortunately it appears that it does nothing just lately with regards to hip pain but one of my worst aggravating factors this year has been spending two consecutive nights at my daughters house looking after my granddaughter whilst her and her partner were in hospital (having the twins). She was induced Thursday morning and gave birth Saturday early hours - so I had Thursday and Friday at their house. Their mattress was awful. The time I've spent recently on my other daughter's sofa was more comfortable than that mattress.

So maybe our mattress does make a great difference. It was specifically made to our requirements by a family run business up in this neck of the woods. A bespoke mattress if you like.

I can't justify spending money on a private consultant. I would for anybody else - not myself. Maybe, having had the MRI already I could get to see someone soon.

The hobbies H and I share are skiing and walking. We used to regularly do 20 miles with the children and 3/4 times a year, huge organised, longer walks 30+ miles (without the children). We bought the static caravan in order to go walking. I feel like I'm on the scrap heap at 56 years old when we should be spending more directed/quality time with hobbies rather than being disabled by lack of healthcare. I don't feel it's due to to lack of enquiry on my part but lack of interest/empathy by the 'gatekeepers' to the consultants, namely the general practitioners.

Perhaps I should get rip roaringly drunk and hop into A&E screaming. That seemed to get our neighbour sorted fairly rapidly. 🤣

Oh - H is still in purchasing mode, just this week he has bought two coffee machines, yes two. Some coffee cups (8). And a barge. What! I hear you all exclaim. Yes - he's bought a dilapidated barge.

Christ on a bike! What on earth is he thinking? What random paraphernalia is next on his list? No we've never been to the Norfolk Broads. But he did watch something on tv about a bloke who renovated a barge recently and it came through our town. Should I say navigated? His daily walk takes him past a boat yard along the canal.

This is not making any economic sense - I will research a private orthopaedic consultant on Monday. I will swish my sparse hair to one side dramatically and say 'because I'm worth it'. <Goes off to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for using my savings.>

Anyone know where I can get a hair shirt from?

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 14/01/2023 18:16

Ah @OliveWah

I recently had nasty injections in my frozen shoulders. Something including hydrodilation. Steroid injections. I was supposed to go back for a second one in my right shoulder but never did. The first one on that side was too painful and put me off. The left shoulder which had two injections was ok. And it was the same person.

I know what you mean about 20 min sleeps. That's about how often I look at the clock during the night. I'm having vivid, unpleasant dreams lately and before Christmas I started sleep walking again.

This last virus knocked me off my feet - I think due to the fact that my sleep is so poor and I have less immunity.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 14/01/2023 20:36

Yes darling - you are worth it. A private consultation makes economic sense. There will be a lot more value from you being in less pain and able to do things you enjoy than a bloody barge, caravan or cement mixer or coffee machines.

please speak to DH if necessary and prioritise YOU for a change. I want to put you in a bag and give you a good shek as your granny said.

I wish I could work this PM business on mumsnet. Would like to send you a yoga nidra clip for relaxation and sleep. Big hug xx

olympicsrock · 14/01/2023 20:37

@OliveWah - sleep deprivation is awful. Thinking of you too xx

Weenurse · 14/01/2023 23:49

You are worth it.

alexdgr8 · 15/01/2023 01:05

re PMs.
i am using chromebook to read these, so maybe it's different on your machine.
but on here, under each posting is the words in blue:
report. bookmark. ...
clicking on the three blue dots gives a list of options.
the second one has the envelope symbol and PM.
but i have noticed that i often have to change the zoom in order to be able to click on the next page.
the change it back again to be able to read it easily.
and depending on the zoom, some of these blue options do not appear.
found the previous layout much easier to use !

alexdgr8 · 15/01/2023 01:07

Weenurse · 14/01/2023 23:49

You are worth it.

ditto.

olympicsrock · 15/01/2023 05:38

@alexdgr8 thanks - tried that . It just sends me to existing PM conversations and doesn’t let me start a new one

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 15/01/2023 08:59

Have you tried clicking on the square with the pencil ,that should open the option to send a message ?

To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time?  Thread 2
olympicsrock · 15/01/2023 14:34

Ah @Theheartmustpausetobreathe
sorted . Thanks for your help.

OP - I have sent you a PM!

Stomacharmeleon · 15/01/2023 19:55

I hope @olympicsrock doesn't shout at me but have you thought about zopoclone to get a decent nights sleep.
I have it when I have chronic pain and need to sleep.
It just sort of knocks me out :/