Have I ever mentioned my hip?
It's the dominant 'thing' in my life. Has been for decades. I've been saying for years and years - wish I could take this leg off and hang it up overnight for a rest. It's taken a backseat due to more recent events.
But it's much bigger than the distraction of the past year overall.
It's pretty darn huge. It overshadows every waking moment. And there are too many waking moments in my life.
In fact from time to time I have considered throwing myself under a train and that is no lie. I've been that desperate.
I have a little theory that it all started off many years ago with my big toe on the left foot. It simply hurts to bend. And over the intervening years I've tried everything to alleviate that pain.
For possibly 20 years I wore wooden soled clogs as the foot doesn't tend to bend at the toes in this type of footwear. I am known locally as the clog lady (look mummy! There's that clog lady! From a small child in Tesco) I still wear them occasionally along with wooden Dr Scholl sandals in summer because of their rigidity. But there came a point where I can now only wear trainers - I don't fasten them, I leave them wide open and shove the laces out of the way. I can slip them on and off very easily without bending (my hip pain prevents quite a lot of unnecessary movement and I now need soft,cushioned footwear rather than hardwood soles as my 'imperceptible' limp has progressed).
The pain in my left big toe can be excruciating. It can send shooting pains through my foot which stop me in my tracks. In order not to aggravate this pain I (consciously or unconsciously) adjusted my gait and this led to me walking more heavily on my right leg. I've known this for very long time. It was my right knee that started hurting first, then eventually my right hip.
I used to be quite a good runner. My fave distance was the half marathon. I ran every day. I was a skinny 'Zola Budd' type of person until my body decided - no more running. My knee and hip were painful and I had to take painkillers before running. Then came the hysterectomy at 40 and I never restarted. I just stopped. The weight gain bothered me for years but I've possibly grown to accept that.
The pain/ache grew slowly and steadily. Covid got in the way of GP consultations more recently. I've consulted many times about toe/knee/hip pain over the years and effectively was just dismissed.
Going back, the ache first started affecting my sleep in 2000. Just waking early at first. Then difficulty getting to sleep. Then difficulty staying asleep. I got into unhealthy routines around this area - going to bed as late as possible, getting up early for work. I used to work myself to death as a distraction.
Obviously, lack of sleep and a stressful career and a growing family can take its toll and I was more than delighted when H suggested that I stop working altogether to help with childcare when our first granddaughter was born (2016). I truly think that I am blessed to be able to do that. I feel very privileged to have been so involved with all my grandchildren. Hopefully, that will continue until I am no longer required.
Whilst carrying out childcare I have been up and down stairs, on the floor, up and down, and I have walked miles. My (second) granddaughter (third grandchild) who needed surgery the day she was born and spent 6 wks in NICU at the start of covid lockdown has been quite a handful to manage. Of course there are good medical reasons to explain why she was 'hard work' but she's never been a settled child and rather than her be hard work inside the house, I have preferred to be outside, walking with her as it was easier to get her to nap and it established a routine where she was more rested. My phone app would indicate the steps walked. Sometimes I would announce - I've done 36,000 steps today!
So it's fair to say that I've done a fair bit of walking over the last 6 or so years with the arrival of 6 grandchildren.
So - all this time I've had a limp. It feels quite big to me but when I've asked others they've said that I hide it quite well which has always been my intention. But walking heavily on one leg has 'thrown my hip out'.
Along with other things to do with aging - menopause, general joint aches and pains, bloody rotten frozen shoulders for the past three years - which has been agonising, I have lost quite a bit of sleep. I get round this by watching crap tv, reading and knitting into the small hours and then aiming to be in bed for as little time as possible.
I hate being in bed - it aggravates my hip, I spend 99% of my time in bed awake, throwing myself about trying to find a comfortable position. I've even thrown myself out of bed (accidentally) more times than I care to count, which is not nice, when you're knocking nobs off your head on the bedside table en route to the floor. Being ill this past week has really impacted on my pain levels.
The gnawing pain I have in bed drives me to distraction. Lack of sleep must be the biggest cause of mental illness as it honesty makes me depressed. Along with all the other stuff which goes with lack of sleep - lack of tolerance, no concentration, restlessness. On occasion I have been known to go for a drive in the middle of the night and just scream. I go out in the car so no one can hear me.
The best part of H's recent illness has been the fact that we now have separate beds because I was driving him to distraction by going to bed late, getting up early, tossing and turning all night trying to find a comfortable position for my leg.
Anyhow, I am more than ever thinking of trains. It might be because I've had to be in bed this week/enforced rest. But my bloody leg is agony. Not excruciating. Just gnawing enough for me not to be able to know what to do with myself. I've had another night where I've just had to pace around because it's the only thing bearable.
When you sit in front of a GP and say I can't sleep - it's just words. It means nothing to them. It's one of those phrases that just elicits an eye roll. I would love to be brave enough to say 'err did you know you did an eye roll just then? Are you aware that you are minimising my fucking abject miserable existence?'
Lack of sleep means zero to GPs. Pain means nothing. Perhaps I am not eloquent enough in my explanation. The last time I was there I needed to be helped onto the examination bed and I was throwing my head back in pain as I was examined. I had no reflexes on that knee or foot on the right side. The doctor thinks my bladder incontinence could be linked to the hip symptoms.
So I had an MRI at the beginning of December. I missed a phone call yesterday (9.20 am) from the surgery (no caller ID) because I was having a piss. It took me until 4.30pm to get through to speak to someone yesterday. My appointment to get the results of my MRI is at the end of January.
And I still can't sleep because of the pain.
Did I tell you I broke my right toe? My fucking bastard left toe is agony and I broke my right big toe because my knee collapsed and my foot buckled underneath me and all my weight went on my big toe as it crunched up backwards and cracked with the strain) floating bone and nerve damage). I spent 9 hours in A&E for an x ray. A man came in 6 hrs after me, turned out he'd broken a toe, but because he came in dramatically hopping (and drunk) he was deemed to be in most pain and he was dealt with before me. The reason I know this is because he's my next door neighbour (they moved house two days before Christmas). He'd kicked a piece of furniture in anger whilst drunk, broken his little toe, and because he was 'performing' and screaming in agony, he was in and out of A&E like greased fucking lightening. Whilst little old me sat on the same hard chair, in agony with my hip, in agony with my toe, sat there smiling and thanking everyone profusely for their help.
I've no idea how I still managed to walk during that period of time. Both big toes in excruciating pain and I still managed to walk and carry on with everyday tasks whilst laughing boy next door had six weeks off work on crutches. He had a simple fracture of his little toe, which was strapped to the next toe. He told us he was milking it as he needed time off to make some decking in his garden (which never got finished).
So now both of my big toes are too painful to bend and I adjust my gait accordingly, which further impacts on my hip pain when walking. I do a lot of walking.
I'm hoping that this agony will settle because, having reacquainted myself with the train time table, I'm not far from the bloody tracks.
Apologies for the swearing. I hate swearing.
Apologies once more for an epic post.
I think that the gist of all my posts are - I have no faith in the NHS. It's always been a battle to be heard/seen/dealt with in a timely manner. Why does everything have to be a battle? The root of all evil - money. The haves and the have nots. I won't waste money on myself but I have paid in the past for my children for healthcare and now I'm paying for my grandson for healthcare. It's such a poor, unworkable, two tier system. Which is wrong.
And by the by, my hip pain could totally have been prevented if my toe pain has been taken seriously by the GP 30 years ago (and in intervening years).