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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH? Regarding 13yo DD

152 replies

AgathaBrazen · 29/05/2022 20:36

DD (13) wants to go into our local city centre tomorrow with her friend.

DH says no way there's too many weirdos and she'll be abducted / raped/ murdered etc etc

It's two stops on the train and a short walk from the train station to the shopping centre.

She's done it with us many times.

She's very sensible and will be with her very sensible friend.

I think it's OK. DH says No.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
DogWithMyOwnRoom · 02/06/2022 06:38

Ps/ I also agree the tracker on phone is overkill… but it could help you both to relax a bit until the whole family is used to DD a being a bit more independent

Honestly, what more reassuring does he need? I do feel for him but you are also nervous, and of course love her too, and can still understand it’s the right thing to do.
Im quite frustrated by how unreasonable he is being…
🤞 for your poor DD, good luck to you getting him to see sense!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2022 07:15

AgathaBrazen · 29/05/2022 21:23

I've read him all your replies. He won't listen.

Does anyone have any good arguments?

I'm also nervous BTW but I know I have to let her do these things. It's part of growing up.

If he doesn’t want to be convinced, he won’t be convinced. Your dd should be allowed autonomy. He doesn’t get to override you when you have put the work in to get to this stage. You’ve built it up and now she’s ready to go on her own. I would just put my foot down and say she’s going. Sometimes you just have to override your oh when they’re in the wrong.

As for the tracker. My dd is 13. She has one too. Equally she could track me or dh if she wanted to. As she’s got older, I look at it less and less. It’s useful for when she comes back from school as there are days when I pick her up from the bus as there’s nowhere to wait.

Rinatinabina · 02/06/2022 07:23

Depends on the city centre, but yeah tbh I would think I should let my 13yr old go, in reality I would probably put an apple airtag on her and have phone finder on and possibly be hanging about town at the same time just in case 🙈.

Foolsrule · 02/06/2022 07:37

Your DH doesn’t get to overrule you! It’s fine and he’s the one with the issue. She’ll come to hate him.

balalake · 02/06/2022 09:09

So OP what happened in the end.

For what it is worth, my response would have depended on the place, and also how reliable the train service is. Probably a yes for most places.

Brefugee · 02/06/2022 09:15

if she can't go on the train with her friend, then he can take her. Or is he planning to keep her locked up until she's, what? 18? and then let her out, unprepared, into the big wide world?

He's worried about the behaviour of men. Why does he think all men are so bad? Does he think your DD is too silly to go out? that's on him then for not training her better.

Of course it's worrying when they do this for the first time, but they have to do it sometime. You have a tracker on her phone, get her to call/text you every 30 minutes or so if you want, but give the girl some freedom. Or when she finally gets it she may go a bit wild.

cottagegardenflower · 02/06/2022 15:16

She will have a phone. 110 % better than in my day when it really was a leap of faith. You can even track her movements. With her permission of course.

ManateeFair · 02/06/2022 15:27

I used to get the bus to the next town with a couple of friends from the age of 11 or so. By the time I was 14, the standard weekend shopping trip with mates where I lived was for us to go into central London by train and Tube. We also used to go to the zoo and some of the museums and galleries sometimes. And we didn’t have phones. It was FINE.

We didn’t have particularly lax parents - my mum was actually on the stricter side.

There are no more perverts now than there were then. Your DH is being really unfair on your daughter.

oznia · 02/06/2022 15:37

First time - I went to city centre but didn't spend any time with teen and friend..
After that, we drop off or pick up as requested.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 02/06/2022 15:53

It really is as simple as he learns to control his fears and to parent her as a teen - giving her various freedoms with suitable safety backup, as you described upthread.

If he doesn't adjust his parenting to meet her age and changing needs only one thing is guaranteed: she will start to distrust his judgement and resent his opinion of her. And that is a short step to her circumventing him, learning how to lie to him.

Basically, much as he thinks she needs to grow up before being given this freedom she is old enough to simply take it, and he is the one whose skills need to develop. Or not, if he wants to start the teen/parent divide with immediate effect.

Jovanka · 02/06/2022 15:59

My father was like this when I was a teen. It was over the top and suffocating. When I had my first boyfriend he was unbearable. I ended up lying to him about where I was going, who with, etc.

DoubleDiamond · 02/06/2022 16:03

Of course it’s fine. For her to be safe as she grows up she needs to learn to assess risk and to deal with problems. She can’t do that if she’s never allowed anywhere without you. What’s his alternative plan, keep her locked in the house forever?

Regularmumnetter · 02/06/2022 16:10

Well there’s still going to be weirdos and the risk of her being abducted at 14,15,16 so on, so unless planning on never letting her out.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/06/2022 16:10

he's BU

WDTABNONONO · 02/06/2022 16:22

She'll be fine.

My Mum wouldn't let me do stuff like this due to anxiety.

So I'd just do it anyway when at friends houses.

How are they supposed to learn any life skills without putting them into play?

saraclara · 02/06/2022 16:22

My kids were doing this by that age, before mobile phones and (god forbid) trackers.
He's being ridiculous.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2022 16:29

AgathaBrazen · 29/05/2022 20:38

He didn't say. But said she needs to be older.

Show quote history

Does she go into school on her own?

I was getting the bus into town to get shopping at 11 (while still at primary)

lifecanbehardattimes · 02/06/2022 16:47

I'd be more concerned whether she is trustworthy and going where she tells you. When I was that age I would tell my parents one thing and do the opposite!

NeedAHoliday2021 · 02/06/2022 16:53

13 is a strange age. Dd is now 14 and much more mature. I’d be happy for her to do this now but not sure I would have been so keen a year ago.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 02/06/2022 16:55

I meant to add, neither are bu you are both learning to navigate parenting a teen and gut feeling goes a long way. I’d start with going to the city with them but splitting up so you go off, shop, get a coffee etc then meet up to go home.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/06/2022 16:59

This usually starts in year 7, so at 13 she def needs to be allowed to spread her wings a bit.

SmartieRants · 02/06/2022 17:23

YANBU but your DH IBU!

Dietcokeaddiction · 02/06/2022 17:34

13?!
We live in London and mine have been getting tubes and buses across town since the start of year 7 (now coming towards the end of secondary / uni age)
Initially I was nervous but honestly they need to be independent.
He's massively overreacting to something very very normal.
If he really can't cope with the idea then he can get the train in a different carriage and be in the town at the same time as her so he can be there if she needs anything.
But honestly at 13 he is being really ott.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 02/06/2022 18:05

Does anyone have any good arguments?

"Well dear, how about you text Jane's Mum and offer to drive both girls into town and take them round the shops?"

Cervinia · 02/06/2022 18:13

Good grief, DDs friend at school was getting the train at 14 from her foster parents in Yorkshire to her birth mums in London on her own every holiday.

two stops at 13 to your local city, seems like the right start is the right age to have some independence now. Explain your expectations and make sure she stays in touch and is home at the agreed time. If she’s happy to compromise and put Find My on her phone, I really don’t see any issue.