AIBU or is DH? Regarding 13yo DD

[AgathaBrazen]

DD (13) wants to go into our local city centre tomorrow with her friend.

DH says no way there's too many weirdos and she'll be abducted / raped/ murdered etc etc

It's two stops on the train and a short walk from the train station to the shopping centre.

She's done it with us many times.

She's very sensible and will be with her very sensible friend.

I think it's OK. DH says No.

Who is BU?

Independence needs to start at some age. She can do whatever she likes in a few years. This is a normal age to use public transport and go to town on your own.

She's 13
It's a place she knows
She's done the journey before
She's with friends
She has a fully charged phone
She can share her location with you on Google maps or WhatsApp or life360 or whatever you use.
She's sensible

If that's not ok, when will it be ok? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me, I have a 13 yr old (and 15 and 10 yr old) so I'm talking with experience, not just hypothetical.

Daytime, perfectly fine. Your husband needs to get a grip. Not allowing your daughter to gain independence and to become self-reliant is doing her no favours.

At 13 she's 5 short years to adulthood. This sounds like a perfectly sensible step in that direction.

Would have have let a son do it at that age? Ask him to be honest.

sadly there is no “safe” age so it makes it rather pointless .13 is a good age to build independence in this area. Rules about never leaving leaving your friend, keeping in touch with parents, stay on busy streets etc. I was doing similar at 12

I assume he's been taking her to a martial arts or self defence class for the last few years.

And not just telling her she's not allowed to do a perfectly ordinary activity whilst doing absolutely nothing to prepare her for the horrors of going to the shops.

I find letting my kids go extremely difficult so I’m not unsympathetic with your dh but in the kindest possible way he needs to understand that she is 13 and needs some freedom. I hated (and tbh still hate) letting my kids do things away from us. It worries me sick. But to stop then because of my fears would be unreasonable and very unfair to them. My concerns are mine alone and I won’t inflict them on my dc.

This isn’t about the big bad world, it’s about him and he needs to get to grips with his feelings about this soon become he completely alienates your dd.

Do you both have sons? If so, what age would he say for his son to do this?

*before

I think it's about more information - is your town and in particular the train station safe? Round here I've stopped my teens going up by the train station as it's become incredibly rough with fights and drug taking.
I'm also wary at certain times of day for various reasons. But my 14 year old goes in (we drop them) so in principle I'm fine with it.

Why not compromise and drop both girls in and bring them back so they’re not getting public transport.

You/your DH could go cinema or to a restaurant or something whilst you’re waiting and then if there’s an emergency you’re close by.

I think after a couple of times he will relax more and let them go alone.

My 13 yo dd has been doing this regularly since last summer. We usually drop off. Occasionally she has taken the bus when in big groups as the bus station isn’t great so we would prefer there to be more than 2 of the,. I was nervous at first but most parents are allowing their children to do the same.

Absolutely fine. At that age even at boarding school we were allowed out into town at the weekends on our own. He's being ridiculous.

I was about to say this. When I was younger than OP’s Dd, my parents let me go out with my friends during the daytime, including getting a train to the city. My parents knew my friends and trusted I would stay safe. The girls with super strict parents were super sneaky and became great liars. We had mobile phones (I’m mid 20s) but I only text my parents when I was on the train home. It must be awful to have your every movement tracked.

13 is fine. She needs to learn this stuff. Just make sure her phone is charged, she knows that if the small chance there is trouble anywhere to walk away with her friends and teach her how to check train times etc.

I have 3 young adult dc.

At age 11/12 they got a bus from our (slightly dodgy) part of Glasgow, walked 10 minutes through the city centre then got another bus in order to go to school. Then of course the same going home. They wanted to go into town at the weekend - that wasn't any different. They were canny enough and even at that age knew the parts of the city centre to avoid (round the station mainly).

They did fine. Kids in Edinburgh, London etc do the same every day.

Your husband is being an arse. It's just asking for your dc to go "to a friends" and then sneak off into town. 13 is plenty old enough. It's not Beirut!

Some of the responses on here are a bit harsh towards the DH, it's perfectly normal to feel anxious about starting to let your teen go off with friends into town.
Doesn't make you ridiculous, or a twat or whatever
I'm the same when my teenagers go out.
I know I can't stop them going out though, and they need to be able to learn to go out by themselves.
Just make sure they have some money, a well charged up phone with credit on it to ring you if need be and give them a time to come home by.

I’m maybe too cautious. I would want to know which city 😂

colchester or York, go for it. Central London, I’d think twice.

I also got the tube to school, back in the day but that’s a bit different - different clientèle at that time. I didn’t go into Camden (as was fashionable then) til I was 14 or 15.

So do you let them out at 12 and then lock them back up again from 13 to 20? When are they supposed to learn a bit of independence?

She’ll be fine. Is your husband usually over dramatic?

I think it depends on the city. Some city centres are more dangerous than others.

I've read him all your replies. He won't listen.

Does anyone have any good arguments?

I'm also nervous BTW but I know I have to let her do these things. It's part of growing up.

I think it depends on how sensible she is , how sensible are her friends and what experience of getting around on her own she has. It might be natural build up for some and too big step for others.

God yes, you are being perfectly reasonable. It’s a daytime jaunt with a single friend that you presumably know well. I can understand the anxiety because it’s hellish, loosening those apron strings but you can’t ever let them know that. If she’s sensible and learns how to handle this little bit of responsibility now, she’ll be in a much better place to handle freedom when she is older (and boys or girls/alcohol start getting into the mix 🙃).