AIBU or is DH? Regarding 13yo DD

[AgathaBrazen]

DD (13) wants to go into our local city centre tomorrow with her friend.

DH says no way there's too many weirdos and she'll be abducted / raped/ murdered etc etc

It's two stops on the train and a short walk from the train station to the shopping centre.

She's done it with us many times.

She's very sensible and will be with her very sensible friend.

I think it's OK. DH says No.

Who is BU?

Would he be the same with a boy? He is being sexist and unreasonable and you have to override him. If for some reason you cannot then that's another issue about how much control he is exerting over the household.

I used to travel from Richmond to Chiswick from age 11 alone to visit a friend, and at 13 we'd go to High St Ken..As long as the are sensible, and don't draw attention to themselves {Mainly from teens who might rob them} they should be OK.
Keep any new smartphones out of sight.

@coffeecupsandfairylights @BeforeGodAndAllTheFish To explain better what I actually meant I didn't mean go with them a such more if he doesn't want to drive back and forth take them and go for a coffee or something while they shop. But it's just options as I think at 13 she's fine going with a friend.

I haven't rtft, and it may already have been said, but the first time our DD went to the big city with her friends (a step up from our local town), we ensured she had a Plan B in case the group became separated or their planned means of transport was cancelled. She and her friends were generally sensible and supportive of each other but we tried to prepare her for coping with the unexpected.

great minds

Does she walk to school on her own? Probably similar risk of being raped and murdered (i.e. 1:1000000). She’s travelling with a friend not going down isolated alleys or sitting in a in empty train carriage by herself? It’s a working day tomorrow, other DC will be off school and trains and town will be busy. So even less risk. She has a phone that so she can respond to texts to check in and you can see her location?

Your DH obviously has some sort of anxiety disorder (I have one too but I had to weigh up the risk and let DC go no matter how horrible I felt until they got back) or he’s being controlling and pretty sinister, and will fuck your DD up and his relationship with her. Would he refuse to let a DS go?

Exactly@minutesturntohours . Great name 😊

That would be an from me. I'm with your husband.

But part of the fun of doing stuff like that at 13 is catching the train or bus by yourself and being all grown up, not being chauffeured around by your dad and having to go and meet him in Costa for lunch!

Why? What age should a teenager be able to go to town? 16? 18?

My mother used to put me on the train 75 miles from London, give the steward half a crown to keep an eye on me in the buffet car and my grandma used to meet me at Victoria an hour and 40 minutes later. I was about 7/8.

My children were London children and perfectly capable of catching the tube to a friend's at 11.

I had friends who flew back and forth to school every term from places like Fiji and Hong Kong. The crew kept an eye - they weren't fully chaperoned by the time they were 9ish.

Sounds normal, unlike your DH's attitude.

inspired by beauty and the beast!

Beg pardon, @Readtheroom —

I believe it’s you who needs to read the room.

What an unbelievably insulting thing to say, much less to put down in writing.

My 13 yr old DD did this for the first time yesterday but I did drop her in and collect her as did her friends parents. I was a bit nervous about it she had a great time.

Good question. My ex was like this with his DDs but said if he had sons it would be different. Never understand how gender would make a difference since boys are raped/abducted/murdered too.

@Readtheroom you're on the wind up surely

He has to loosen the reins. Seriously. He has to loosen the reins or she won't want much to do with them when she's older. 13 is more than old enough to do what she's asked to do. Children travel all over London to schools on their own on public transit ... and in most of Europe ... at much younger ages. He needs to get a grip.

Of course YANBU. Does he think kidnappers/rapists/murderers will check for age in few years time and say ‘oh you can go, you’re 16’. How ridiculous. Assault can happen at any age and your daughter needs to enjoy her weekends with her friend. Honestly I really feel for teenagers - they’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Your girl is clearly responsible and mature and yet he is still treating her like some dim fool.

I think she needs to be allowed to go. But I’m not unsympathetic to your husband. I find it incredibly
difficult to let them go. He’s not a twat or an arse or needing a grip etc (quite sure these words wouldn’t be used if it was mum who was fretting). He’s just scared of something bad happening to her. And who can blame him really.

Does she travel to school on her own or is she driven?

Ask him to re-read my comment from the first page. The girls with over protective parents became super sneaky and were good at lying! It’s best to start now and show that you trust her. Also teach her to be street smart. If you leave it any later then she will be behind her peers and more naive. The tracker on her phone is a bit much (just ask her to text you when she’s arrived and when the train back has set off).

@Sushi7

I have the google family tracker thing on my kids' phones. They're 8 and 10 and they sometimes walk down to the high street after school to get sausage rolls or ice cream or something before they come home. They'll text me to let me know but then I keep an eye on their location to make sure they make it.

I think if you've been watching your kids like that for a few years, it'll be hard to let go when they're young teens.

But right now it's about their safety because they're so young. When they're 12/12, it's probably just spying but I can see myself finding it hard to let go. I dont think now is the time to tell the OP to stop that. Let her kid do it a few times and then it might be easier to stop tracking them!

My DDs had to get the bus 15 miles to school in the nearest city from the age of 11. And get it home again to an empty house until I arrived back from work.
A 13 year old is definitely ready to use public transport to go out with friends. I did long before that and I lived in London as a child.
Explain to DH that by infantilising your DD and wrapping her in cotton wool, you are doing her no favours, and making it likely that she will either rebel and sneak off without telling you, (possibly on far less savoury outings), or be too scared and lacking in normal life skills to go out at all.

@AgathaBrazen - you’re asking for arguments to convince him?

@titchy has made a good points here… and @wishmyhousetidy

Also comments by @Sushi7 regarding those with too-strict/unreasonable parents will just start to lie and sneak around. Without even mentioning how much your DD will resent DH in future.

AND (sorry forgotten who) - someone mentions statistics re: murder/harm being much more likely by someone you know, not a random stranger, etc etc

This thread is literally FULL of good arguments… but he is obviously not willing (or ready?) to be open minded enough to listen, and consider carefully.

@AgathaBrazen - you have already done the intermediate steps of taking her into town and waiting, and dropping her off etc (well done) - and YOU know that she is ready for the next step. I posted earlier that you should ‘be gentle’ with your DH - we all know he is just worried.
BUT he really needs to get a grip, look at the sheer numbers of people on here telling him it is ok!
and most of us are loving parents too - we ALL worry.

I think I’ve only spotted a couple of people who agree with him. It is a real shame that you didn’t enable voting on this thread as I’m sure the % would be in the high 90s … AND there’s always many, many more people who will vote an opinion but can’t be bothered to type a response.

OP - sorry, but I strongly think you need to put your foot down, and override him. It is NOT his sole decision to make, YOU are also her parent and he is unable to give a sensible reason for her not to do it.

Please stand up to him, and let her have some fun and independence this half term!