AIBU or is DH? Regarding 13yo DD

[AgathaBrazen]

DD (13) wants to go into our local city centre tomorrow with her friend.

DH says no way there's too many weirdos and she'll be abducted / raped/ murdered etc etc

It's two stops on the train and a short walk from the train station to the shopping centre.

She's done it with us many times.

She's very sensible and will be with her very sensible friend.

I think it's OK. DH says No.

Who is BU?

I am quite protective of my DD with the same worries as your DH but I would let her go. She’s sensible & with a friend & where do you draw the line? We can’t keep them locked in all the time for their safety unfortunately & life come with risk in many ways! I would be happy if I could see my DD at all times so I know she’s safe but I just can’t. She’d end up neurotic so I just have to suffer in silence but pretend I’m ok with it😱🤣

So it’s her going on the train he has an issue with?

He is BU

Nuts

It is scary when the kids start doing more independant stuff, but he HAS to get over it. It's part of them growing up and finding their way in the world. If she is happy to do, is with a friend, and has a mobile, then this is fine. Teenage girls do not get abducted, raped and murdered going shopping with their friends as a general rule.

Re the train - my ds2 (19yo) had to get himself back to uni from Gatwick today - he had been on a sorting trip and tho we were there too, we couldn’t pick him up from the airport. He almost laughed in my face when I asked if he would be ok with the train journey - “yes I do know how to catch a train and even change trains “ - I had to catch myself on, of course he does; he has been catching buses and trains by himself for ages. If your dh doesn’t learn to step back, your dd won’t be able to do similar in 5 years’ time.

I think its fine but if he's uncomfortable with it is there a compromise like driving them their and picking them up or going with them and go for a coffee or something why they shop

So its the train he has a problem with not the city centre?

When I was 13, if my friend said her dad was coming with us and would wait in a coffee shop and we had to check in or whatever, then I would be cancelling the day out.

My son started taking the tube on his own aged 10. Perhaps there are more risks for girls but there was a spate of muggings of the school kids for a while. I did the same at his age so you have to trust them. And it's very different with mobile phones now.

I'd have no issue at all with her going with a friend in daylight. She's far more likely to be at risk from grooming on social media than wandering around the shops frankly.

He needs to get a grip. She’s a human not a thing to be protected and caged. I was going to festivals at 14

At 13?? I’m shocked that this is even a question, of course she should be allowed to go. Many children would have been commuting (to some degree or other) to school for two years by that point. And I have a 16 year old, so posting from recent experience, not a theoretical pov.

The tighter the apron string, the harder she'll fight.

YANBU.

It's fine unless you live in Luton.

Kinda joking, kinda not ...

DH needs to remember she will be out the house in a few years and have no idea of personal safety.

A friend of mine was never allowed fast food or alcohol until she was 18 at uni. You can imagine how that ended.

My df used to be like this im the eldest i jsut sneaked off one day without telling him where i was because he kept saying no

Where is he getting his rape statistics from? How does he explain how she’s less likely to be raped the older she gets? He is no ones owner.

Absolutely fine but to help DH anxiety set some boundaries (that she already probably knows). Such as time to be home, where she can and can’t go, is there a side of town they need to stick to. Location sharing of phones etc.

In less than 3yrs she can join the army (for example) and your husband feels entitled to treat her like a toddler? Nah.

He is BVU. How will she learn independence otherwise? Let her go and enjoy herself.

YANBU. There are not rapists and murderers everywhere. Especially during the day. Most secondary school kids make their own way to school

Please don't let him do this OP.

Your daughter will be utterly mortified and if a friends' dad had insisted on joining my friend and I on a shopping trip at that age, I would probably have cancelled and stayed at home!

Talk about ruining the entire day for both the DD and her friend.

Children need to assess risk for themselves.

It stunts their development otherwise.

This is appropriate for her age and stage.

My parents were very overprotective and I was at least 15 before I got a train to the nearest city with a friend. When I started uni I was so out of my depth. I nearly gave up and went home on several occasions. Everyone else was so much more street wise. I was lucky I made some very good friends who looked after me until I found my feet. I could easily have been taken advantage of. She needs to build up confidence doing things without her parents and this would be a good start.

Would it help to tell DH most women are murdered by their partner or relative that lives in their home...?

And, by the way - biggest risk comes from people they know, not strangers.