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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH? Regarding 13yo DD

152 replies

AgathaBrazen · 29/05/2022 20:36

DD (13) wants to go into our local city centre tomorrow with her friend.

DH says no way there's too many weirdos and she'll be abducted / raped/ murdered etc etc

It's two stops on the train and a short walk from the train station to the shopping centre.

She's done it with us many times.

She's very sensible and will be with her very sensible friend.

I think it's OK. DH says No.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
WooNoodle · 29/05/2022 21:26

AgathaBrazen · 29/05/2022 21:23

I've read him all your replies. He won't listen.

Does anyone have any good arguments?

I'm also nervous BTW but I know I have to let her do these things. It's part of growing up.

Would he feel better if he took them on the train and waited in a cafe nearby? For the first time?

madnessitellyou · 29/05/2022 21:26

She will be fine. Dd1 (14) has been going into the city centre since y7. I did have to rescue her and a friend once because they ended up on a rail replacement bus and the driver told them the wrong destination (I complained). So long as she has her phone she'll be fine.

DD now knows the city centre really well which is no bad thing. In fact she took me somewhere I'd never been before the other week!

Branleuse · 29/05/2022 21:27

Is he saying that he wants to go along with her, or that she cant go at all?

kateandme · 29/05/2022 21:28

Depends on the daughter.
Depends on the location
Depends on your dh bring his usual overprotective self or genuine reason to be weary of this.

NerrSnerr · 29/05/2022 21:31

I agree that the children who have the most over protective parents become the best liars. Going to town as a 13 year old is perfectly reasonable.

CaptSkippy · 29/05/2022 21:31

She is more in danger from people online than in real life. Weirdos target kids on instagram now.

Beelezebub · 29/05/2022 21:31

All these ARE good arguments.

Rational arguments won’t work against irrational decisions caused by a skewed perception of risk.

The only thing you can do is point out that you were a 13 year old girl once. That you had to do these things for the first time, that you STILL do them every day, and he’s going to have to get his head around it.

And if you feel that strongly that she should go, you overrule him and deal with the fallout.

Hollyhead · 29/05/2022 21:31

I’d say it’s quite late to start this - most do this from late year 6/early year 7 around here. So a resounding yes!

MrsLighthouse · 29/05/2022 21:32

How is she going to learn basic safety and start looking after herself while travelling around if she’s never allowed to ? Presumably she has a phone to keep in touch.

Siepie · 29/05/2022 21:33

In 5 years' time she could well be moving across the country (or the world) for uni or a job.

Before doing that, she needs to gradually do more things on her own. These little steps, like going to the city centre with a friend, are how she'll learn to keep safe.

You could start with a smaller step, e.g. you go into the city centre with them and sit in a cafe while they're shopping. That way you're nearby if they need you. But after that, at some point, she does need to learn to get the train herself too.

Wigeon · 29/05/2022 21:36

I think I’m generally pretty risk averse but my DD, 13, does equivalent trips to this.

When does your DH think your DD will be safe from the weirdos/rapists/murderers? 14? 16? 18? Why will she be safer then? What is unsafe at 13 that is safe at 16?

titchy · 29/05/2022 21:37

How the hell is she going to learn what to be aware of and how to deal with situations if she hasn't encountered fairly normal things in a safe environment with friends as security. Does he imagine on her 16th birthday she'll suddenly develop all kinds of awareness and know how to recognise situations when she's let loose for the first time on her own.

I work in a university. The most unsafe students are those whose parents have never let them out of their sight. They relish the freedom, go overboard, haven't developed strategies for dealing with drunk lads/spiked drinks/others behaviour etc and end up risking their lives frankly.

WisherWood · 29/05/2022 21:38

Does anyone have any good arguments?

If your DH doesn't want to be convinced, then he won't be. My dad was like this. Very over-protective, reluctant to let me go anywhere, followed me when I did and showed a distinct lack of confidence in my abilities to cope with the world. He dressed this up as the world being a bad place but the reality was he trusted other people to be out and about in it, just not me.

As a result, as a middle-aged woman 30+ years later it still affects our relationship. It always has. I resent him for restricting me. I resent the impact it had on my confidence. After all, if my dad thought I was incapable of dealing with the world, then who was going to believe in me?

If he wants her to grow into a confident young woman then he will gradually allow her more freedom. If, at root, he believes women and girls can't really cope, he'll continue to restrict her in this way and that will be bad for her and bad for their relationship.

thenewduchessoflapland · 29/05/2022 21:40

DH says no way there's too many weirdos and she'll be abducted / raped/ murdered etc etc

What????

That's so messed up.Does your DH suffer from anxiety/paranoia etc?

PatAndFrank · 29/05/2022 21:40

Sensible in your company … 13 yo without adults… do you have a find my kid tracker type thing … if not you can get good free ones. That might ease the unease dh is feeling. Tell them they have to stay together and get the train together and not be late back.

Original poster
AgathaBrazen · 29/05/2022 21:41

Siepie · 29/05/2022 21:33

In 5 years' time she could well be moving across the country (or the world) for uni or a job.

Before doing that, she needs to gradually do more things on her own. These little steps, like going to the city centre with a friend, are how she'll learn to keep safe.

You could start with a smaller step, e.g. you go into the city centre with them and sit in a cafe while they're shopping. That way you're nearby if they need you. But after that, at some point, she does need to learn to get the train herself too.

Yes I've been doing this. The first few times, A year or so ago, I took them in and hung around. Then it progressed to dropping off and picking up. And now it's the train.

OP posts:
Original poster
AgathaBrazen · 29/05/2022 21:42

PatAndFrank · 29/05/2022 21:40

Sensible in your company … 13 yo without adults… do you have a find my kid tracker type thing … if not you can get good free ones. That might ease the unease dh is feeling. Tell them they have to stay together and get the train together and not be late back.

Yes I've got a tracker on her phone.

OP posts:
Wigeon · 29/05/2022 21:43

Your DD is vanishingly unlikely to be murdered by a stranger. I had a quick look on the Office for National Statistics. In 2018 (the first year which came up), there were 67 murders of under 16s. Four of them were murdered by a stranger. I’m certain she is far far far more likely to be killed either in the car or by a car.

Darbs76 · 29/05/2022 21:43

Yes perfectly fine. My daughter has just turned 14 and has been Fokker this for a while. She’s going on Tuesday to a nearby town. This is the age they want to start going out with friends. My son was mugged at 12 but doesn’t mean I can keep them wrapped up in cotton wool.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 29/05/2022 21:43

It is your job as parents to raise her, and that means raise her through all ages not just treating her like a little child.

She needs independence. She needs to be able to do these things. She needs to start growing up and it is your job to facilitate that. If you dont, you're failing her. It's that simple.

12/13 is the right age to start doing this. I got the train 13 miles to the nearest city centre for shopping when I was that age with my friends. During the day, with friends in an open shopping high street etc, it is totally normal and safe.

If you dont let her do this stuff she will be the little one at school everyone rolls their eyes at because she isnt allowed. She'll be the baby with no experience. And when you need her to be independent, she will be behind everyone else.

jessicaemily · 29/05/2022 21:45

Of course it's fine. Poor child. How will she ever build up any life skills if she's kept under lock and key? Tell her it's absolutely fine

clary · 29/05/2022 21:47

Op I agree with (almost) everyone else, it is fine . I presume she goes to secondary school on a daily and has done for two years? My dc who are now young adults we’re going into town with friends from age 11/yr 7 tbh.

Will it help your dh to drop her off or pick up? When does he think this sort of step to independence is ok?

whippetwoman · 29/05/2022 21:47

At 13 I used to get the bus into town and meet my friends. We used to wander round town, go into the shops and follow cute sixth formers from our school. We once bumped into another group of girls from our year. We realised we were all following the same sixth former. As far as I know, none of us grew up to be stalkers.
I was quite young and innocent for my age but at 13 I managed just fine. I'm sure your daughter will too. I found it hard to let my eldest do the same but it was all fine and I'm glad I did. I hope he changes his mind.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 29/05/2022 21:49

WisherWood · 29/05/2022 21:38

Does anyone have any good arguments?

If your DH doesn't want to be convinced, then he won't be. My dad was like this. Very over-protective, reluctant to let me go anywhere, followed me when I did and showed a distinct lack of confidence in my abilities to cope with the world. He dressed this up as the world being a bad place but the reality was he trusted other people to be out and about in it, just not me.

As a result, as a middle-aged woman 30+ years later it still affects our relationship. It always has. I resent him for restricting me. I resent the impact it had on my confidence. After all, if my dad thought I was incapable of dealing with the world, then who was going to believe in me?

If he wants her to grow into a confident young woman then he will gradually allow her more freedom. If, at root, he believes women and girls can't really cope, he'll continue to restrict her in this way and that will be bad for her and bad for their relationship.

I think this is spot on. He sees her as a little girl and girls/women cant handle the world in his eyes.

He'll restrict everything and she'll rebel as soon as she gets the guts to push back.

He is failing in his parenting here.

The thing is, he doesnt get to be in charge. She has made a reasonable request, you have considered all the options reasonably and have decided that it is safe. So she can go.

He doesnt get to overrule you. You can overrule him. Tell her she can go. Stand up for her and take whatever shouting tantrum he has. And then start putting your foot down more and considering your options for how to handle this and protect her freedom as she grows.

wishmyhousetidy · 29/05/2022 21:50

I think if you don’t start giving her some independence she will start lying to you and being sneaky as. at 13 this is a totally normal thing to do . Also people on here who keep saying they wouldn’t allow their children to go to London I think are talking nonsense. Central London is busy, great transport and a pretty safe city. I get more worried when my child goes to small towns with not a lot to do and they then seem to hang around more, at least in London they have an aim usually to their day out.
Not sure what you can say to,your husband, but unless he gives her some independence soon she will rebel. She is not asking for the moon on a stick just a normal teenage day out. Tell him to trust her to do the right thing and make sure she sticks to the rules and is back exactly when she says she will be and then he will find it easier each time.

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