DH family. So so upset

[sorryimwashingmyhairthatnight]

Sorry if I waffle on a little here I just feel so upset today with this situation and even stupidly have cried which I know is ridiculous.

For context I'm quite a quiet non confrontational person and DH always tells me I should stand my ground more. Over the last 14 years I have been with DH his siblings (DH is the eldest) have lived with us, we have lent them money, we have had many good times but also lots of bad times and bad behaviour from them. I have always remained neutral and out of everyone have tried to be the peace maker.

Over the last 2 years DHs siblings have done some things that to me personally I couldn't just forget about. One took a large amount of money for work he promised to do on our home(I'm talking thousands - kind of our fault we shouldn't of have him the money up front but were somehow talked into it) the other caused a huge scene at a party that was very important to us and was a really really awful night. From this point I said without apologies I couldn't forgive them and so probably childishly I did remove them from social media as i was so annoyed plus we were all pretty much NC.

A couple of years have gone by and recently DH has bumped into them and said hi occasionally but nothing more I have not seen them at all.

recently MIL is saying to DH how she misses all of them being together and she is sad about the situation but the other 2 siblings are annoyed with me and recently said they wouldn't invite us to a party they were holding due to me removing them (2 years ago and with good reason) off social media. Absolutely ridiculous I know, I don't even go on Facebook often so they aren't really missing out on things but at the time for me it was a case of out of site out of mind due to just how bad these situations were. If at any point they asked me why they were removed I could more than justify it after their behaviour.

I'm so annoyed now that MIL and BILs are now turning this on me and saying they aren't happy having me around them.

I feel like screaming, I never got an apology for the substantial amount of money we lost and a party we spent a lot of money on being ruined, but now I'm expected to apologise and accept responsibility for the face we aren't all 1 big happy family.

I'm genuinely starting to doubt myself now after yet another chat with MIL who is upset and wants me to make the effort to make things right.

I've always let people walk all over me and I won't let that happen again! Please tell me I'm right to stand my ground instead of apologising for something that was caused by them.

Sorry for going on a bit but it's really getting to me now. DH agrees with me and says im owed an apology but doesn't say this in front of MIL so she just thinks im being an awkward cow.

Arrrgh sorry I wrote that in paragraphs and now it's just one huge essay. Well done if you got to the end of that haha!

Well does your mil know they owe you the money?
I would say 'when I get the money they took off us back I will apologize for removing them from Facebook' I would keep repeating that.
It must be hard op, sympathies.

DH needs to say to MIL that you are owed an apology for her part in this. And his siblings need to set up a repayment plan for both the money stolen and the screwed up party. THEN I would consider engaging with them again - not until.

I'd be making sure MIL knows that and if she didn't drop the guilt trips I would stop engaging with her too.

Stand your ground and don’t apologise, they have repeat behaviour of walking all over you and if you apologise it’ll happen again.

I wouldn't be having anything to do with any of them ever again and that includes MIL!

Your husband needs to stop being so spineless.

Also, there is no family harmony when some people are abusive. It's all just more and more abuse and horrible people getting away with it.

I'd be pretty blunt with MIL and let her know it's not happening, even with an apology.

That's fine MiL, we don't want to socialise with them anyway because of their untrustworthy unreliable behaviour.
It's such a shame.

Your husband either doesn't agree with you and is telling you what you want to hear, or scared of his family. Either way he isn't supporting you at all.

Unless you're willing to apologise (I wouldn't from what you've said) then your husband needs to grow a backbone and deal with the situation.

What has he said to his brothers about the money and scene out of interest?

I'm genuinely starting to doubt myself now after yet another chat with MIL who is upset and wants me to make the effort to make things right.

You are nit in the wrong and should hold your ground.

You can 'make an effort to make things right' by writing a letter explaining what needs to happen and why. So BIL1 needs to pay back £x000 stolen from us and BIL2 needs to pay £x000 towards the party he set out to ruin. When this has happened and both have apologised for their behaviour then I will reinstate them on social media (pathetic babies relying on SM friends...).

Effort made - everyone clear.... they won't repay and at which point I'd cut them off and MIL too if she refuses to stop the whinging about it all when her boys are in the wrong not you.

(But then I hate thieves of joy almost as much as thieves of cash and these lot are definitely thieving joy!)

I'd also make clear you your husband that unless HE deals with this the blame for being unable to socialise is on him not you.

Hi MIL, happy to let bygone be bygones - looking forward to getting our money back xx

Your dh needs to have your back and speak up when his mother starts laying the guilt at your door.

Choose what sort of life you want to have first. Make that your priority and your bouncing off point.

Does your MIL know about the money lost and the party spoiled? If not I would start there, I think.
I wouldn't respond well to MIL's efforts to scapegoat me as the cause of a family rift.

Block each and every one of them, and that includes your MIL. Your husband can deal with them. You'll be so much happier without their bullshit in your life.

I'm genuinely starting to doubt myself now after yet another chat with MIL who is upset and wants me to make the effort to make things right.
"MiL, I'm sorry your son is a thief, I'm not prepared to spend time with a man who stole thousands of pounds from me."

DH agrees with me and says im owed an apology but doesn't say this in front of MIL so she just thinks im being an awkward cow.
That's disappointing, especially as he ALSO tells you you ought to stand up for yourself - he should take the opportunity to present a united front & back you up.
But don't forget he was raised in this dynamic so will have conditioned responses to the batshittery.

So tell DH how disappointed you are, but also tackle it yourself.
You say you are not confrontational.
This is a mistake a lot of people make when they fear conflict - they assume that standing your ground is is some way comparable to being aggressive.
It is not.
You need to get over this "I'm not a confrontational person" bullshit, because all it gets you is doormatting while other people give you enough confrontation to make you bow to their demands.

"MiL, it's clear you think I'm being awkward, but I'm not going to play happy families with people who treat us badly. This isn't because I am AWKWARD it is because your other children have stolen from & mistreated us. You need to tackle them - the culprits - not us - the innocent parties. OK?"
^^
You then either change the subject or walk away.
Because there is NOTHING to discuss.
This is your stance, you will not change it, she is wasting her breath, let's move on to a more pleasant subject - is the attitude you need to cultivate.

& THIS is why you do not discuss - you simply inform - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Have a good look round that website btw. You will find it very useful, & recognise some inlaws ...

Tell her you’re not apologising for anything.

When you receive the money back that was taken in bad faith, and reimbursement for the ruined party, then you’ll consider accepting an apology from them.

Suggest she might want to think about how she’s managed to raise so many children who can’t behave decently and ask if she thinks it’s you that should be apologising for their abysmal behaviour.

and then tell your husband to grow a pair and tell his mother what he tells you.

Why would you even ask if you’re unreasonable?! For a start, your OP avoided the word “stole” - and I wouldn’t.
This is an easy situation because your husband agrees with you.
Say no, and give zero fucks in the process.

Absolutely not.

Your husbands family sound dreadful and he sounds like weak and spineless for not setting all his family straight.

Hard to respect weak men.

I really can't imagine whats to be gained having anything further to do with a thief irrespective of any apology.

But if the sibling took money to do stuff on the house, he owes it to BOTH of you. Other sibling caused a scene at a party important to BOTH of you... if you're being made the scapegoat, chances are your husband is allowing that.

Tell him to tell his ma and his brothers in no uncertain terms what they've done to him (and you) and they can apologise to him (and you) and pay you both back. Don't get sucked in.

Why is it specifically you who is owed the apology and not your husband also?

what was the explanation for the money, what happened? And how did they cause an issue at the party specifically?

What does your Mil know? Why isn't she trying to get her family to apologize to you?

Anyone who stole money off me would not be in my life ever again.

Say you'll put it behind you when you get your money back and they apologise for ruining the party. And repeat.

You say "me personally" but presumably it was your dh money and party too? He needs to tell mil that his siblings have caused this and how. It is not just you being awkward.