DH family. So so upset

[sorryimwashingmyhairthatnight]

Sorry if I waffle on a little here I just feel so upset today with this situation and even stupidly have cried which I know is ridiculous.

For context I'm quite a quiet non confrontational person and DH always tells me I should stand my ground more. Over the last 14 years I have been with DH his siblings (DH is the eldest) have lived with us, we have lent them money, we have had many good times but also lots of bad times and bad behaviour from them. I have always remained neutral and out of everyone have tried to be the peace maker.

Over the last 2 years DHs siblings have done some things that to me personally I couldn't just forget about. One took a large amount of money for work he promised to do on our home(I'm talking thousands - kind of our fault we shouldn't of have him the money up front but were somehow talked into it) the other caused a huge scene at a party that was very important to us and was a really really awful night. From this point I said without apologies I couldn't forgive them and so probably childishly I did remove them from social media as i was so annoyed plus we were all pretty much NC.

A couple of years have gone by and recently DH has bumped into them and said hi occasionally but nothing more I have not seen them at all.

recently MIL is saying to DH how she misses all of them being together and she is sad about the situation but the other 2 siblings are annoyed with me and recently said they wouldn't invite us to a party they were holding due to me removing them (2 years ago and with good reason) off social media. Absolutely ridiculous I know, I don't even go on Facebook often so they aren't really missing out on things but at the time for me it was a case of out of site out of mind due to just how bad these situations were. If at any point they asked me why they were removed I could more than justify it after their behaviour.

I'm so annoyed now that MIL and BILs are now turning this on me and saying they aren't happy having me around them.

I feel like screaming, I never got an apology for the substantial amount of money we lost and a party we spent a lot of money on being ruined, but now I'm expected to apologise and accept responsibility for the face we aren't all 1 big happy family.

I'm genuinely starting to doubt myself now after yet another chat with MIL who is upset and wants me to make the effort to make things right.

I've always let people walk all over me and I won't let that happen again! Please tell me I'm right to stand my ground instead of apologising for something that was caused by them.

Sorry for going on a bit but it's really getting to me now. DH agrees with me and says im owed an apology but doesn't say this in front of MIL so she just thinks im being an awkward cow.

Thanks so much for the comments!

I feel vindicated. I felt like I was in the twilight zone when she turned around to me and said they aren't happy with me and it's me who should apologise so we can all move on.

She saw me crying the night our party was ruined horrifically she saw how we had our family Christmas on a tiny budget the year we lost thousands to BIL who then bought a new car and went on holiday. Yet I should apologise as I've made it awkward for them by removing them off social media because quite honestly I couldn't bare to look at their faces after what they did.

I'm standing my ground. MIL knows I'm a soft touch and for years has got away with murder but I won't be spoken to like that anymore or guilted into making an apology when I'm all honestly I'm not sure I'm even ready to forgive them yet.

DH behind closed doors is supportive of me but won't say anything in front of MIL which is frustrating as I very easily feel backed into a corner

This.

Just this.

You are right to stand my ground instead of apologizing for something that was their fault.

It’s not clear from your op but do they still live with you? I hope not.
Tell them you owe them nothing but they owe you and DH £000’s, the money stolen and the cost of the ruined party.

Did you point out to or don’t want to go to their party anyway?

@Floweryflora @LIZS

DH is also owed an apology but has said he knows it will never come so I suppose he's not as hung up on it but I don't feel like I could build bridges until I've had one.

The money was both of ours but I used personal savings to cover a large part so I suppose financially I took the hit a bit more.

The party was horrendous. BIL off his face on drugs and alcohol, made a huge scene, invited friends of his who turned up and on the end there was a physical fight. The party was our wedding anniversary and my family were upset and appalled after what happened. It was honestly quite scary.

Times gone by but I can't look at them and have a relationship until they acknowledge how much they hurt me.

What a horrible, horrible family you married into.

Users, thieves, gaslighting emotional abusers.

You’re well shot of the lot of them.

And your DH sounds like he can’t make up his mind who his real priority is, which is pretty awful too.

You need to tell him you don’t want anything to do with any of them, including MIL, unless it’s to get the money back they stole from you. Could you go through the small claims court? It’s not like there’s any relationship left to ruin, after all.

What happened with the money? Did you eg give BIL £10k to fit you a new kitchen but you have no kitchen? How can MIL square that theft?

It’s very worrying the way your DH is so willing to write off money you both lost, but you especially had put years into saving up. You must have worked hard for that money, and your awful BIL stole it and spent it on a new car and a holiday for himself. Your money.

Never mind an apology, they need to give you your money back. Do you not see how outrageous this is? What kind of dysfunctional hellhole is this family where that is considered acceptable and your DH hasn’t gone nuclear on his lowlife thieving brother?

And now they’re actually saying you owe them an apology?

You’ve been around these awful people for too long if you’re not able to see how completely fucked up this all is.

Maybe i misread your OP but there isnt anything suggesting anyone is asking you for an apology. Just that your MIL misses your get togethers and you and your DH arent being invited to your BIL party due to removing them off FB. Why would you want to go? I am confused. Who is expecting an apology? I would maintain LC with the lot of them ..

I’d be happy to apologise once they’d made everything right.

It seems as though they won’t and to be fair they can’t. You might get the money back (though I wouldn’t hold my breath) and they can never make that party better.

It is lovely that your husband sticks up for you in the house. He needs to stand up for you to them.

Removing someone from Facebook is small tatties. Thieving and spoiling an important occasion is not.

I’d no more apologise to the thief and the arses and the enablers than manage to be a size 8 by Tuesday.

and I agree with PP - why have you not got the money back? Is your DH non confrontational too?

Why on earth didn't you get your money back or the work done? You had a budget Christmas and BIL had a holiday and a new car with your money. Good grief stand up for yourselves.

You've said it right here succinctly; now you can say it to MIL:

1. I won't be spoken to like that anymore or guilted into making an apology.
2. Quite honestly I cannot bare to look at their faces after what they did, so (I) will not be socialising to make things easier.
3. There is something of a difference between the consequences that came from having money stolen, and hospitality abused, by family members, and things being 'awkward' for MIL because of those events.
4. You must realise that this hurt my family (ie you, your DH, and any children). You're not prepared to put yourself in that line of fire again.

I don’t feel that apologies, even if fulsomely and genuinely given, (which seems unlikely)would do more than put a temporary sticking plaster over matters. Sometimes, we just have to accept that no contact might be for the best. Your husband must stand by you and stand up for you.

I would tell Mil that I would consider building bridges once the stolen money had been returned along with an apology for ruining the party. I would also expect dh to fight your corner with your Mil. Definitely sounds like you're being made the fall guy.

“MIL I do appreciate that this is a difficult situation that you are in. Can I ask if you have also spoken with BIL’s about an apology for what happened? “

In the end, they are your DH’s family. You will never again have them living with you, give them money to do work or for anything else, etc etc.

You can have polite civilised family contact without it being a matter of pride.

But all in all they sound awful and I would just say ‘if they don’t want to invite me that’s a pity but their choice’.

Regardless of the past if your dh wants to speaks to his siblings surely he can have a relationship seperately from yourself and remove yourself from the situation.

I think the only thing you can do @sorryimwashingmyhairthatnight is to go NC with the entirety of his family , your husband can do as he pleases but they are not welcome at your home and you will no longer be doing anything with any of them . It can work , I was NC with my in-laws for 20+ years and my husband still had limited contact

You have a DH problem.

he should be backing you up 300%

dear mother

I have been entirely neutral and overlooked issues in the past for the sake of family harmony and at the expense of our emotional and mental health.

x owes us £z thousand for work he promised to do and never did in 2018 or whatever

on other occasions people have been rude and unpleasant to me and My wife - we both deserve to be treated with respect.

enabling other peoples poor behaviour or being using as a scapegoat for it is no longer in my remit, unless their is full accountability and apologies please count me (us) out of future family events

yours dh

I think that as you suffered both financially as well as emotionally from the behaviour of your BIL's it is your place to put your MIL straight. I agree your DH should say something to his mother but she needs to know why you're both upset. So perhaps:
Dear MIL We - dh - and I supported both BIL 2 and BIL 2. In case he didn't tell you BIL 1 had £×××× from us to xxxxx. He failed to do this, but he bought a car and went on holiday which we feel we have funded. He's never offered to repay that. Let me remind you of the party we held which you saw me crying due to BIL2's behaviour and he's never apologised. Apologies are due TO us not the other way round. If you want the family to be more together then you need to look closer to home at the behaviour of BIL 1 & 2. In addition to the apology we want the money repaid. Please let me know when we can get together and collect the cheque from BIL1.

I'm not even sure what you'd be apologising for tbh. Unfriending them off Facebook? Not talking much?

There's been a breach between me and some of my inlaws' family, and my FIL is clearly desperate to have us all be friends again. One day he even invited both me and my brother in law to his house without telling either of us he was doing it. We couldn't bear to speak to each other beyond 'hello'. It was absolutely horrible. We reached the point where we could be in the same room together a few months later but it wasn't easy and frankly I no longer care enough to make the effort. They've never made any moves towards apologising or even being in touch with ds separately from me, which I've attempted to make happen a couple of times but no more.

Sometimes there are horrible things done which can't just be swept under the carpet for the sake of the parents/senior in-laws' comfort. Clearly your BIL is a thoughtless thief. To lose your savings like that is terrible and your dh should be incandescent about it on your behalf. I'd be more likely to look at the small claims court rather than taking all this pressure to somehow forget. I think you've been too restrained if anything.

Why haven’t you started a legal claim for the financial loss?

I was in your situation many decades ago as a newly wed.

After lots of upset with husband's siblings we went no contact. With very good reason.

My mother in law always always looked to me to make amends.

I loved her dearly and over the years my conclusion was that she loved us all, she wasn't interested in who was wrong or who had been wronged. She just wanted us all together.

I was the easiest of the bunch to talk to, I usually did as I was asked. So it was me who became the focus of attention. She's just shrug as say 'oh that what we expect from X, they've always been a bit hot headed, you are just sensitive'.

I expect you are the easiest of her children (in law) to manage, she think you'll be the easiest to convince without the brothers kicking off. That's all it is.

Hold your ground girl!

An apology would not be enough for me to move on, I would want the money repaid too. I agree your DH needs to have a word with his mother also.